A couple of errors I spotted:
Se = She
yell to the world, “AVADA KEDAVRA!!!” = world should be word, I believe
My favorite paragraph was: And Remus John Lupin, werewolf, husband of Nymphadora Tonks, father of Ted Remus Lupin, ex-Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, valiant, noble, and brave member of the Order of the Phoenix fell. Moony, last of the four Marauders fell like his brothers. He fell like Prongs, dying in the name of those whom he loved. He fell like Padfoot, fighting alongside those whom he loved. And, like Wormtail, he felt Death’s cold, shining silver hand grasp him tightly, never to let go. He fell.
I really liked this because you incorporated all the Marauder's deaths into how Remus fell and that's something rather unique that I've never seen before. So I really liked it.
However, over all this seems a bit rushed, to be honest. There really wasn't much time or correlation between the paragraphs, and the ending seemed much too abrupt.
I think this would have worked out much better if you simply kept it from Nymphadora's perspective rather than throwing in the bit about Bellatrix, at the end. Everyone is well aware of how crazy she is, but that's simply my two knuts.
As far as characterizations go, I really liked them.
I didn't find many spelling or grammatical errors in this piece, just what I mentioned before.
This piece was an interesting perspective of a scene that has been written and rewritten several times, so kudos on pulling something new out of your imaginative hat.
LindersAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review, and thanks for getting to it so quickly!
I'll get to fixing those typos ASAP, though I do think that "world" was my intention...I'll check out where it came from and see. :)
I'm so happy you liked that paragraph! It was the original idea that sparked this piece.
This was actually my first fanfic, so the flow probably is rushed. I've been meaning to give it a big edit lately, so I'll definitely take that into consideration.
I'm happy you liked the characterizations! I'm also thrilled that you thought this was an original take on the scene.
Thank you again for the review! :) Report Review
aww. :| well, it`s sad, but nevertheless written well. :)Author's Response: Thank you for the review! I'm glad you found it well-written, even if it was sad. :) Report Review
makes me think... and cryAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing! I'm glad that it touched you. :) Report Review
poor Teddy nice writer thoughAuthor's Response: Thanks so much! Report Review
This is quite as I imagine it could have happened! It is a really well written, emotional one shot! You have a couple small mistakes, like se instead of she and an "of" missing at one place, but that's not many mistakes. I also feel that at a couple of places you could do with a little less repeating of things and descriptions of people, like when you say all of what Remus is or when you start several sentences with "she wanted to" when Tonks thinks about Teddy. It works as a technique to get the attention, but if you used the kind of repeating technique just once or twice it might have greater effect. Sorry if I'm not explaining what I mean clearly. Anyway, it might just be a personal preference of mine and what you do here, you write well anyway. :) It's more like just a suggestion to think about.
I really liked the way you made her torn between being with Teddy and Remus. Nothing of this is really explained in the books as the focus is on Harry and there it kind of seems like she happily runs off to fight without any thoughts about anything else. I like your interpretation and like I already said it seems right to me. She must have thought of Teddy too as she went to join Remus.
I really like the end how you show Teddy and Andromeda. It ties up it and is really beautifully sad too. Good job with the missing moment!Author's Response: Thank you so much for the great review!
Darn those typos. :P I'll be sure to fix 'em.
Thanks for the suggestion on the repetetive-ness - I'll totally take it to mind.
I definitely agree with the Tonks being torn between the two - I was annoyed that wasn't touched on in the books, because you'd think it would be an issue for most mothers, so I worked it into this.
I'm so happy you liked the story! :) Report Review
Oh my goodness that was so beautifully tragic! I had goosebumps by the end. :]
Tonks' emotions at the beginning seem very natural and motherly. Split between her desire to be with her child and to fight to protect his future.
It was so sad when Remus fell. Writing on this was a good idea, because the deaths of these two is a majorly tragic part of the book that was mentioned only in retrospect.
I like how Tonks knows hope is lost, and how it is Bellatrix that kills her. Since Bellatrix took so much pleasure in killing Sirius--another family 'blood traitor'--makes sense she'd have the same feeling for Tonks.
I also think ending with Teddy was a really good way to end it. Mother and child are supposed to have the strongest connection in the world, and his reaction causes an even bigger imapct on the reader--on me at least.
I liked this one shot. Its like something that could have actually happened behind the scenes in the story :]
~~ChelseaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the great review!
Writing Remus' death was one of my favorite parts of writing it - :'( - and the reason I decided to. I'm glad you liked it!
And I'm insanely glad you liked the ending, with Teddy - I almost didn't put it in, but I decided to at the last minute.
Also, I'm thrilled that you thought the story itself could fit into canon!
Thanks again! Report Review
First off, so sorry for the delay in getting to your review.
Right. Now, I've read a few Tonks-and-Remus-die scenes, but I don't think I've ever felt as chilled as I did reading this one. The way you had Bellatrix down . . . scary. (That's pretty much my major criterion for judging Bella's characterization, by the way: does she frighten me?) I really liked the bit about death's cold hand and death cornering them. Those phrases and ideas could seem trite in the hands of many writers, but you handled them adeptly so that they seemed genuine.
That said, I do think Tonks is perhaps overthinking the situation at some times. I know some people disagree, but I personally don't believe that people have a bunch of grand thoughts in the middle of hugely stressful situations such as big battles. Then again, never having been in a comparable situation, I really couldn't say. What I'm getting at is that I think Tonks' thoughts about being in history textbooks is a bit over the top. Don't get me wrong--I DO think she'd be thinking of her husband and child. I just think she'd be thinking in a much more survival-oriented way, rather than these more grand ideas.
I thought the strongest part of this story was the lag time between Tonks seeing Remus killed and being killed herself. That part drew me in, and you had toned down the rhetoric some by then, which made it seem more realistic to me. You packed a lot into this one-shot. For its length, it's deep. Then again, I shouldn't be surprised . . . I've read quite a few very short but biting and fabulous one-shots here.Author's Response: Thank you SO much!
You have no idea how thrilled I was to see that you felt Bellatrix was believeable - writing her was easily my favorite part of writing this story, and I'm so happy you felt that it came out nicely.
And I'll definitely take a second look at the parts you mentioned being a bit too much - I'll most likely feel the same way when I reread it.
Thanks again! :)
That was really sad, but good! I always assumed Bellatrix had killed Tonks for some odd reason, so that fit in well. I liked how you had Tonks die with her head held high, I thought it fit her character and personality nicely. I always kind of thought Tonks died first and then Remus, but it was really touching how Remus died trying to help Tonks. Really spectacular job, I enjoyed reading it!Author's Response: Thank you, it means a lot that you said her death fit her character, I was worried it might not.
Thanks! Report Review
That was beautiful. I mildly object to 'Nymphadora' over Tonks, but it does fit the rhythm of the story quite nicely.
xEAuthor's Response: Thanks!
I agree with you about how Tonks may have been better - but I wrote this at 11:30 pm and wanted to make it sound dramatic. :) Report Review
I think this a really good take on that missing moment
So sad! =[ but written quite well =]
spam_up_samAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! Report Review
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