I didn't really find any glaringly obvious typos or spelling errors, anything of that sort, so kudos there. As I'm sure I've said too many times (but continue to say anyway), I appreciate pieces that have that polished look.
I liked your characterizations of Teddy and Harry. I think the ending, however, detracted a bit from the story. I do think it would have been better to leave James, Ginny, Lily, and Albus out of it. To me, it would have been much better if it were simply Harry and Teddy.
This was a very sweet story, and I like how Harry comforts Teddy. I also enjoy the fact that Harry teaches Teddy his Patronus, it does seem fitting. However, something that was out of canon for me was the fact that Harry would willingly break the law. I don't think it was against the law to teach anyone a patronus, and while Harry's good at keeping secrets and lying when he has to, well, that didn't set well with me.
I do like that you included Walpurga's portrait and all the carrying on that it does.
That being said, there is one thing I would like to say about the setting. It doesn't really make sense.
What would they be doing in Sirius' old home? According to canon, they would be living in Godric's Hollow, and I can't see them bringing home the Black tapestry, Walpurga, or Kreacher. Just seems a stretch to me.
Over all, though, this was well done!
LindersAuthor's Response: It's always nice to hear that my stories are polished, because I do make an effort to make them appear so. :)
Hmm, I see what you mean about not bringing the entire Potter family into it...I did feel a tad awkward writing it, so I'll definitely put some thought into possibly changing it.
I actually originally posted this story (and had it up the original way for quite some time) without any mention of of the Trace...I changed it after a reviewer said a lot of things about how it simply didn't fit without an explanation, but the change never did fit that well with me. I think I switch it back to the way I first had it, after hearing your opinion as well. :)
I don't believe that it was ever mentioned where Harry and Ginny settled down...though it changes from fic to fic for me, for this one I took on the assumption that they made a home at Grimmauld Place. Though I do think that if they lived elsewhere they would bring Kreacher. ^_^ I have such a soft spot for house-elves.
Thank you for the wonderful review! It was very helpful. :-) Report Review
Awhh, This is really sweet. I love the relationship between Harry and Teddy, because they can really relate to eachothers feelings - they are very alike aren't they.Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing! I'm glad you liked the relationship between Harry and Teddy--yes, they are quite alike! :) Report Review
This is really sweet. I think you nailed Harry's character. Keeping the tapestry up is definitely something he would have done (not that he really had a choice, permanent sticking charms and all). I love Teddy's patronus! That is a really creative and beautiful idea. It's perfect. Great story!Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing!! I'm glad that you liked Harry, I'm always a bit nervous to write him. Report Review
This is so cute! I love it :)Author's Response: Thank you!! :) Report Review
Aw this was sweet. I liked it when James ran in and was delighted to see Teddy.
I liked Teddy's character, he was sweet and ernest. He was Remus but at the same time he was alot like his mum too.
I thought Harry was great and it was nice that he taught Teddy the patronus.
9Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing!!
I'm glad you liked Teddy and Harry. :D Report Review
I think, it was a nice story. Nice imagination dude!Author's Response: Thanks a bunch! Report Review
I like it! i like it! like it! very much!Author's Response: Aw, why thank you! Report Review
This was amazing! I loved it. Lily was so cute at the end. She made me laugh. The whole story was perfect. Fabulous job.Author's Response: Thank you so much for leaving such a wonderful review! I'm glad you liked Lily; she was my favorite to write.
:D Report Review
I loved it! This story is so cute, and I love how Harry taught Teddy what Teddy's father taught Harry (:
10/10Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'm glad that you liked that part, I tried to make the godfather/godson relationship between Harry and Teddy realistic.
:D Report Review
I have tears in my eyes as I type this review. I really liked the idea of Teddy's Patronus taking fron both of his parents; it's perfect. Older Harry is so wise, just like I imagined him to be. And Kreacher purchasing sandals... ah ah!
10/10. Great job! :)Author's Response: Oh my goodness, thanks so incredibly much for taking the time to read and review these two stories. My day is made!
It moved you to tears? Aw, I'm so happy. Well, not that you're crying, but because...you know. ;) And I'm so happy you like Harry, because I was a bit nervous about writing him.
Thank you again!! Report Review
Even though this has been beta-read, there are still several mistakes, almost all dealing with comma usage. You might want to consider poking around in the Writer's Resources area to see if there's anything helpful there.
What a cute story! I actually formed the impression that Teddy was quite a bit younger than 12 (I was guessing 8) until he said he was entering his third year. He sounded younger than 12 to me, but the banner probably contributed to my assumption that the character was young (I have a banner like that too that I got at TDA in up-for-grabs, that makes people think the character is younger than she is).
As Harry points out, colored Patronuses are probably not canon, and I'm not crazy about authors stretching the bounds of magic like this, but with Teddy, I suppose you can make a case. It's quite impressive, if a little improbable, that Teddy managed to cast a fully-formed Patronus the very same day he learned the spell, but what can I say? I was totally rooting for him.
More than the cute Patronus story, I enjoyed the more serious aspects of this piece. I figure Harry and Teddy had to have had a conversation about their parents dying at some point, and I think you did it well here. Kudos also for bringing up the idea of disowned Black family members. I like that Andromeda and Narcissa at least bumped into each other and that Harry didn't burn Bellatrix's name off the family tree.
I think the plot could be a bit tighter . . . though cute, to me the Patronus thing seems a little out of synch with the rest of the chapter for some reason. I thought Teddy was a very appealing character, even if he did come across as younger than he really is. It was nice to see Kreacher as he was at this point in the future as well.Author's Response: Wow, I wasn't expecting a review back that quickly! Thanks!
Argh, those darned commas. I'll go back and reread, and check out Writer's Resources for sure.
I always wonder exactly how young to make characters sound. Thanks for pointing it out -- I'll go back and make a mention of his age in the beginning.
Yes, Teddy learned the spell quickly and it took on a crazy twist for him. I like to think that his Metamorphagus genes came into play for the patronus (even though Tonks' didn't). I don't think I can really make him take any longer to learn it at this point without completely reformatting the story.
I'll definitely go look it over to see how I can tighten it up a bit, and I'm glad you liked Teddy and Kreacher!
Thank you for the review -- it was very helpful! Report Review
Hm... I don't really know what to say about this one. It was average, I guess.
Don't get me wrong: Your style is pretty good, your calculations about dates are correct and the story (mostly, see below) fits in the original scenario.
However, the story was generally lacking any point of highlight. I was half-expecting Teddy himself to turn transparent, or multicoloured at the very least, and I didn't find many "comedy" parts either. The first scene with Mrs. Black was good, though. And little Lily was extremely cute.
But large parts of it were just a flashback... The idea of your rainbow-werewolf was nice actually, but your title gives away too much.
Besides: Exploding Snap had nothing to do with the story at all. When I first read it, I didn't even notice they played. Having used the search function and finally having found it, I still think it's not worth being mentioned in the summary.
One major problem:
If I'm not mistaken, 12-year-old Teddy wouldn't be allowed to perform magic outside of school, would he?
This includes metamorphing as well as practicing his patronus.
I want an explanation for this.
And one minor correction:
"against the Chudley Cannons and Tutshill Tornadoes" -->
don't you mean "between"? Sounds like it was Ginny vs. 2 teams at the same time...
Rating: 5/10 overall
The idea of a rainbow-werewolf (sorry for always calling it that) was good, your overall style makes good reading and the characters behave naturally.
BUT: minors mustn't do magic outside of Hogwarts. I insist on that. And from my point of view, the story was just lacking anything special, thoughtprovoking, or extraordinarily funny.
P.S.: Add a spoiler warning.Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!
Hmm, the title. I, personally, don't picture Teddy as having inherited any lycanthropic tendancies from his dad, so the thought of the title being literally about him never really crossed my mind. Maybe it does give away the ending of the story, but at this point I don't really want to change it.
By flashback, do you mean like the parts where the family tree is explained? That's just my writing style, I guess. I have this tick where I feel like I have to go into a story explaining most things, so even though most people reading it would know the details of the tree, I feel like the story is incomplete without a description of those kinds of things. If that's not what you meant, totally ignore what I just said. ;)
About Exploding Snap, well, I didn't really mean for it to be considered a main plot point when I mentioned it in the summary; it just stood for the time that it took Teddy to learn the patronus. Maybe I'll stick a horizontal rule somewhere to add the passing of time.
And about Teddy doing magic out of school, if I remember correctly, the Trace doesn't tell exactly who performed the magic, it can only tell when magic is performed in a household. My interpretation is that it sort of relies on the honor system for parents/guardians to keep their kids in check.
Ah, yes, I did mean "between". Thanks for pointing it out.
I'm very pleased that you liked my writing style -- thanks for that!!
Sorry about the spoiler thing -- but most of the next-gen stories I see out there don't have a warning for it, so I didn't see it as necessary. :/
But thanks for the review!! Report Review
*stands, dumbstruck an speechles.* "Nothing other than wow..."Author's Response: Aww! Thanks! Report Review
Oh wow! I loved it! :D Great job!Author's Response: Thanks so much!!! Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your review from the forums! I apologize for the long wait.
That was the sweetest thing! I really really enjoyed that! It was very well thought out and creative! I love how you incorporated so many things to show how their life has changed. Like mentioning Ginny announcing the match, Ron still being a Cannons fan, Kreacher mumbling about his "poor mistress"...the list goes on and on! Wonderful!
The only suggestion I have is to get this beta'd but not because it's horribly written! You have some wordiness going on that I noticed, and it'd be good to have someone edit it for you, or at least to show you where it is so you can avoid it in the future.
I want to give this a 10, but the grammar bumps it down to a 9.5. Still, great job!!Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you liked the comments about their life now.
I totally agree about your comment on getting this beta'd - in fact, I've already had it done. :) I'm only waiting on a banner, so I can update it all at once.
9.5? That makes my day, really! Thank you again! Report Review
That was great. Its might have taken a few more times to do the patronus, but I like the story. The Harry/Teddy connection was great. Keep it up!Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it!
I recently had this beta'd - he said the same about the time it took to do the patronus, and I agree, so it'll be changed up a little soon.
I'm glad you like the connection between Harry and Teddy!
Thanks for the great review! Report Review
This is a great one shot.
I loved the twist on the Patronus you had for Teddy. It works well for getting both parents to live on in him.
Very good writing. I will be checking out your other stories.Author's Response: Thank you!! Report Review
Excellent one shot, no other words can explain itAuthor's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing! Report Review
AWww cute! LOVED it!Author's Response: :D Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked it. Report Review
Aw! So sweet! I love teddy...Author's Response: Thank you! Report Review
Oh - the patronus is WONDERFUL! How did you ever come up with that?
This is a darling story. Nice work.
PalomaAuthor's Response: Thanks so much!
For the patronus, I was trying to find something that would represent either one or both of Teddy's parents. (First I thought of a pig, you know, for the nose, but then I realized that Ernie MacMillan's patronus was a boar. xD) Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection