MICHELLE, MY BELLE ~*~*~ /serenades, Beatles style. Okay, I won't harm your eardrums with my singing anymore, so I'll just go on with the review.
Obviously, every other person who reviewed this was wrong. :P I didn't find the different point of views confusing at all. I mean, I guess if the whole story was first person, that would get really confusing (who's using the "I" again? etc) but since it's third person, it's as if the point of view is omnipresent -- and we know what they're both thinking at the same time. It doesn't skew the story at all!
Gotta love James and his ego. His huge, manly ego that squeezes all the air out of the room. I love how he bounces back defensively after she hurts that ego, by sneering. Sneering solves all! And Lily, with her denial! Bwahaha. Sweet denial. I like being in denial -- especially about boys I like. The whole "I SO DO NOT LIKE HIM" argument is always fruitless, but so amusing.
So, I don't see any confusion at all? I see what James means with his statement about Sirius seeing it -- obviously, he's talking to himself, since he's the only one not in detention. I don't see how someone could have missed it :P
NO, CLIFFHANGERS ARE NOT NICE, MICHELLE. THEY MAKE TANYA A VERY SAD ASIAN, INDEED. *SOBSOBSOB* *THROWS FIT*. Cept, you know, I won't be as sad as James when he discovers how scary Lily is after she discovers what he's plotting! Or you know, when he's cowering in fear in a corner.
I LOFF YOU. ♥Author's Response: THESE ARE WORDS THAT GO TOGETHER WELL. Bahah, no, sing all you want XD. I'm quite attached to that song.
I thought using first or second person would be confusing, so yes. Thank you, Tanya. ^_^
I'm glad to hear that the POVs weren't confusing to you.
YOU MAKE MY STORY SEEM SO MUCH MORE INTRIGUING THAN IT IS. Lol, I see it all the time: comebacks by sneering is all that guys can manage. And denial is what girls pull off best!
I'M SORRY TANYAAA! CLIFFHANGERS DRAW IN READERS. YOU KNOW SAD ASIANS ARE A BAD THING, INDEED.
LOFF YOU MOAR. Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your review from the forums! I'm sorry this has taken so long!
Well this was a nice introduction on Lily and James's relationship for the story. You showed nicely how Lily felt about James through their dialogue and their thoughts. The Lily/James relationship has so many levels!
One thing I had a problem with was how you switched back and forth from Lily and James's POVs. If you wanted to show them both, then I would suggest that you used a third-person POV instead. I have a feeling that you wanted to switch back and forth because you wanted to show their thoughts, but it is possible to do that in a third person also. For example, at the end of the third section, you could have written (instead of putting Lily's thoughts in italics), "Lily finished with a smirk as James turned red with embarrassment and spun on his heel, walking away angrily. Guilt began to creep into her thoughts, before Lily frowned and turned to face the river again. It's not like it was any of his business." I know I changed a bit, but it was just an example of how you can still include people's thoughts in a third person POV. If that wasn't what you meant by using third person, then just ignore this last paragraph haha.
This other thing wasn't exactly a problem, but more of a confusion. It was in James's first POV, when he was thinking about Sirius and his detention. I'm not exactly sure what was going on there. Why was he talking to Sirius? And why was James on his way to the Forbidden Forest? (or will that be explained later? or was that just for a prank?)
Overall, this was a nice first chapter. I remember noticing some weird quote placing somewhere, but it's nothing that you can't find if you go over it. Other than that, your grammar was spotless, as far as I could tell. Your characterization was nice - very typical James and Lily. I think your dialogue was a little awkward, but I think that was just because you kept switching from James to Lily.
I give this a 7/10, but just because of the POV switching. I'm sure it will be wonderful once you fix that! :) Happy Holidays!Author's Response: Thank you for leaving a review.
I'm not quite understanding what you mean when you said I should've used a third person POV instead, when the story is written in third person already O.o.
James is in the Forbidden Forest because he's being the troublemaker that he is, and he was actually talking to himself. This is all in third person.
Thanks again. Report Review
This first chapter seems cliche. Lily, sitting by the lake, worrying about her secret, undeniable feelings about James Potter, who just happens to pop by, and then they fight...you get the picture, I am sure. Perhaps it would be less cliche if you changed the setting. That alone could do wonders.
You asked for my opinion on characterization. I think that James and Lily are thus far only 2 dimensional. Yes, you get James' arrogance and Lily's hatred for said arrogance, but what else? I would recommend broadening them. Why does James love Lily, besides what is already well known? Why does Lily love James, besides the fact that it is a canon pairing? Branch it out.
I hope this review helps! Can't wait to see how your story goes. :DAuthor's Response: Hm. This is a straightforward and to-the-point review.
The setting, huh? Maybe I could've set that up better.now that you've mentioned it :/
I think that that's the whole concept I'm missing here: branching out my story. I'm hoping that I can, as you said, branch it out as the story moves along.
This review really did help! It did wonders! :D
Thanks for the review!
~Michelle Report Review
Lily and James is my absolute favorite couple, to both read and write, so this intrigued me from the start. I really liked how you portrayed Lily's thoughts in the beginning. Her mental remark about Hogwarts being a busy place without any time for peace and quiet seemed really accurate, and yet I'd never really thought about it like that. Now that you've had the incredible insight, it seems really plausible that Lily would find the castle overwhelmingly busy and frantic, and need an escape.
I also like how she was taking the time to think in such a pretty place, especially the simile you included in the first paragraph between her thoughts and the clouds in the sky. It gave me only a smidgeon of a picture of the place that Lily was at, however, so I really would have appreciated a bit more description. You mentioned a river, and that's about it. I didn't even know she was anywhere supposedly hidden until James showed up and seemed to believe he had found some secret paradise. I would have understood better if there was some sort of clarification about where Lily was when she was thinking in the first bit.
Also, maybe this is just my neurotic side, but I found the spacing of this a little bit distracting. Not just how far apart all the paragraphs were - which was probably an error on your part - but also how you created a new section every time you flitted from James' perspective to Lily. I find it a little confusing when authors do this; I understand that, sometimes, it's needed for the story, but it doesn't offer as much insight into your main character. Instead, you offer equally average insight into two different characters because you keep switching between them. It might be a bit more coherent if you dedicated one chapter to Lily, and one chapter to James, but, again, this might not fit well with your plot at all, in which case, just ignore my suggestion.
That being said, I do have to say that the whole James-reading-Lily's-diary-when-Lily-suddenly-likes-him is a bit cliche. Firstly, I didn't really recall any mention of a diary until James mentioned it, which makes it seem like you just threw it on at the end as you thought of it. Secondly, yes, it's cliche, but that doesn't mean you can't do it. I'm just hoping you'll offer a new twist on it, and hopefully explain why Lily is suddenly unsure about whether she hates me or not. Remember that your readers are coming in here with their only notion of Lily and James relationship during Hogwarts what was offered in the book, which isn't very much. How did Lily go from seemingly loathing James in fifth year to obviously being confused about him here? I think it would be incredibly useful and a million times less cliche if you offered more insight into how and why this happened.
I did, however, enjoy your interaction between Lily and James. Lily's blatant embarrassment at getting caught really shows in the way she projects her frustration and anger at James. I also like how you made James retaliate, especially the bit with the high-pitched imitation of her voice - I really can't stand stories that portray him as a lovesick fool who never stands up to Lily. I'm really thankful that you gave him more of a backbone than that - he was a Gryffindor, after all. Just because he fancied the pants off her doesn't mean he didn't see her flaws too.
If you're at all offended by what I've written in this review, I truly apologize and I hope you know I don't mean to offend you. I'm just trying to help, I swear :) I look forward to seeing the next chapter you write; I think you have great potential.
Cherry BearAuthor's Response: Hello there! I'm so sorry I haven't responded to this review sooner!
This was an absolutely lovely review! (Not to mention that it was really long! Haha!) No, I'm not offended; it was really helpful!
Thank you so much!
I'll try and update soon!
~Michelle Report Review
Hey! I'm here from the forums with your requested review. (:
First off, I liked this. A lot. (: I was expecting it to be a typical 'My name is blah, my hair and eyes are blah, my friends are blah blah.' But it wasn't, which was a pleasant surprise. (:
That said, it was a bit jumpy, with switching POVs so much. It wasn't confusing so much as kind of... jarring, I guess would be the word? I kept getting taken out of the story and having to readjust.
Also, the spacing's really wide. It's not a fault of you (the HPFF spacing's always like that), but it might be something to fix, I don't know.
I did like this, especially the ending.
Now onto characterization. (: James seemed spot-on to me, with his inherent pranksterness but still 'love' for Lily, but Lily herself seemed a bit off. I don't know, perhaps it's just me, but she seemed more damsel-in-distress than I imagined her as.
When the next chapter's up, feel free to re-request! :D
-JasmineAuthor's Response: Really? A lot? I mean, a little bit would've already been too much to ask for, but a lot? I'm flattered =)
Yeah, I might need to work on the POVs. It seems confusing, doesn't it.
Spacing? Hmm.Let me check that out...hehe, sorry about that.
Damsel-in-distress? Oh noes! That's what I DIDN'T want to seem like. Oh schnapps I have to work on that. It seems like James is easier to write than Lily, well, for me at least.
Okay! I will re-request!
Thanks for the review!
~Michelleee Report Review
Hey there :).
So. I think my only problem with this chapter is not the length, because I have read so many stories with 500-word chapters that really pack a punch. Yours being one of them, as it jumped right into the plot and has the reader wondering, 'what happens next?' My issue though, and I guess it would be different for everyone, is the constant switch in POV for a chapter that is so short. It makes for a choppy read, as the reader had been settling down to read something from Lily's perspective, and then it jumped to James for a couple paragraphs, and then right back to Lily. It's a lot to digest in such a short amount of time, you know?
Other than that, it was not only a good start to a promising story, but it was well-written. The switches in POV, though somewhat distracting, are clear. In the sense that I can tell the differences between James and Lily, and not because you use their names. I can tell that it's a different character because their characteristics, general actions and thoughts differ drastically. So good job with that.
I also like the the way this story seems to be going. Lily's chucked away diary, and James's mischievous streak making him not only want to find it, but possibly read it as well, sounds interesting.
In that sense, James seems completely in character. He may be utterly and completely in love with Lily, but not being mischievous is something he can't do. Lily was a bit off to me though, just by the fact that she'd say something so...crude, about hexing his you-know-what off, especially for no true reason. She's more subtle and witty.
I liked this though, and I am curious as to what you're going to do in future chapters. I didn't really spot any errors, so that's a good thing too.
~L. KelleyAuthor's Response: Hello there!
Huh. I thought the length would actually be an issue. Merlin, was I wrong. I tried to make the transitions as smooth as possible, but now I understand how it would be confusing, but I kind of wanted it to, er, build up, you know?
I try to make it interesting, so thanks :D
It seems that I have better luck with James then Lily, which really isn't surprising, because Lily seems to be more complex for me.
The crudeness, I admit, was a bit too much, but I'm not that creative; I can't really come up with witty comebacks that well :) I agree though, she should be more subtle. The slight OOCness, however, will be explained later.
thanks for this wonderful, helpful review!
Peace, love, and chocolate,
Michelle Report Review
Hey, it's Siriusly Smitten here from the forums with your review:
Firstly, I love Lily/James fics, so already I like your story.
Your structure is unique, and I like it. To make stories good around here, there needs to be something that sets them apart from the others - something original. I think the structure worked nicely for you, and you were able to get a lot across in only a few words, which is so nice. I hate it when authors blabble on for paragraphs after paragraphs about the weather. It's pointless.
Characterisation wise, I had mixed feelings. Some aspects were a bit over-the-top for my liking, for instance, the part about Lily hexing James's balls off. While yes, Lily probably had a fiery temper, she was also incredibly sweet and kind, so I imagine that no matter how annoyed with James she would get, she'd keep some composture and perhaps choose more witty and cheeky comebacks. Just a thought.
I like your James; he's the perfect mix of charm, wit and arrogance. Going from your title, I'm guessing this is going to have a lot to do with James's pride - that's nice to focus on something so simple, and expand it. I really like that.
For someone who hasn't written a Lily/James before, this is good! Haha, I remember mine was shocking - all the cliche's in the book. I think if you keep away from cliches (over-the-top hate/hate or love/hate or having the Marauders involved to extreme lengths with their own plot lines), this will turn out really nicely.
Can't wait for more; you have me hooked. =D
xxAuthor's Response: Hello there!
Haha, a James/Lily lover? Lucky me.
I feel the same way about many stories. I mean, yes, description is nice, but not so much when it takes over the whole plot and stuff.
I have to work on characterization, yeah :) Well, originally, I thought of that too, but then I realized I wasn't really creative with snappy comebacks, hehe, so I put that. And I made her a little OOC for a reason, so stayed tuned for that.
Wow! Thanks so much! This was a very encouraging review! It's reviews like these that keep me going!
Peace, love and chocolates,
Michelle Report Review
Hello! Chelsea here with your review!
First of all, Characterization:
Lily--Seems very canon. The way she would act to James etc. The only thing I could not picture her saying was that she would hex James' balls off ^_^ But it was hilarious, and shicked me into laughter so its ok :]
James--SO PERFECT! He is totally canon. Some people write him too evil, some people write him too sweet (*clears throat* guilty as charged hehe), but I think you wrote him spot-on, which is somewhere in the middle. Even with the chapter being incredibly short (I want to know more!), I could tell that you hit the nail on the head with james' characterization.
The relationship--perfecto! Its a bit of a love/hate, as always. Thats part of the magic when reading a James/Lily story. How such a animosoty can turn into pure, truen love.
I am wondering what dear James will find in Lily's diary?
I have one teensy crit, and its not about grammer or anything: I think it was too short. I know, you probably have it that way for a reason, but the most 'comfortable' word counts for people to read (AKA the most enjoyable) are 2000 to 4000 (I read that in suggestions or something somewhere). That said, I adored it nonetheless, and beseech you to rerequest when your next chapter gets valiated!
~~ChelseaAuthor's Response: Chels!
Oh em gee!
Hehe, I try to put a little humor in, even if it's a little crude. After all, it is a James/Lily story.
I know, I have a hard time with length. I'll work on that.
Thanks again, hun, and yes, I will re-request ASAP. :P
Peace, love, and chocolates,
Michelle Report Review
Hello! I know I said I wasn't going to start these yet, but this was so short I figured I might as well drop by and take a peek really quick. I'm awful, I know.
Though this is short, I like it so far. Your depiction of Lily and James' relationship before they got together and solid and accurate as far as I am concerned, and this is all good! Keep up the good work.
P.S. When you have another chapter up, feel free to drop by review forum and tell me. If you wouldn't mind reposting the link, that would be terribly helpful. I wouldnt mind at all coming back here and reviewing the next chapter, and feel free to post even if it says my waiting list is full. I'm interested in this story.Author's Response: No, no, you're not awful, you're wonderful, teehee!
Whew! I was afraid that I totally messed up their characterizations and personalities.
Really? I can post, er, freely? Awesome! I'm glad my story has caught your interest!
Thanks so much for the review! Report Review
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