Loved the story! Well done! Nice characterization. Hope to see a sequel soon! Please :)Author's Response: Hey there! I'm so glad you enjoyed it - this was my first attempt at writing, at all, so I'm really glad that even now (when I cringe at certain bits) it is still enjoyed by others. And thank you so much for saying you liked the characterisation - it's always scary taking on next gen, because on the one hand, we know almost nothing about them, but then they're not OCs that we can do whatever we like to.
The sequel... yeah. There are chapters sitting on my hard-drive already, but I promised myself only two WIPs at a time, so it may be a while before they're posted. Then again, once it is it should be think and fast!
Thanks for reading, and for taking the time to review! Report Review
I like it! I think you did a nice job.Author's Response: Aww, thank you! This was my first ever attempt at writing, and so it's always nice to know that someone liked it. Report Review
I love it... but i too am unsure about the ending... i am however glad you are going to do a sequel... just make sure that rita has to retract everything bad she says about them... pretty please...Author's Response: I really should redo the ending to this story - it's just too quick, and too easy. But then again, as this was the first story I wrote, I kind of don't want to play around with it too much, as it's a guide to how my writing has come on since then. Hmmm, tricky...
The sequel is almost entirely planned in my head, and it will be written (2 chapters already are), but I really have to finish my other two WIPs first, as otherwise my brain may explode.
Thanks so much for reading though, and for taking the time to review! Report Review
I care what Malfoy wants help with... :PAuthor's Response: Ah, the double entendre - is there anything better? Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Nice... interesting little twist at the end there, can't wait to carry on reading even though it's just a click away :DAuthor's Response: Wow - I haven't had a review for this story in a while, so it's nice to see that someone's still reading! And I'm glad you liked the twist - the whole point was to start right when she first became aware of him (as a person rather than as a caricature). Hope the rest of the story lived up to your expectations! Report Review
This is way cute. Way, way cute. I was thoroughly enjoying reading the descriptions of the game and how much she liked being Seeker and yada yada yada and then bam! Scorpius on the scene. A perfect little ending to a perfect little first chapter. I thought it was incredibly fun and light and interesting.
Well done(:Author's Response: Cool! This was my first ever attempt at creative writing, and the entire thing was down on screen in under an hour. Thus, I was incredibly nervous to have anyone read it! However, the support I got on this site eventually convinced me to write the rest of the story, and there may even eventually be a sequel (I have the plot bunny cornered, but no time to use it!)
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing it - hopefully you'll have a chance to read the rest at some point, because apparently it gets better (lots of con crit at that point really helped me improve!) Report Review
Hold up, in the banner, is that Arthur from that show Merlin? I LOVE that show!
10/10Author's Response: Yes, it is! I was going through a bit of a love affair for the show when I started writing, and thus he became Scorpius to me!
Thanks for reading and reviewing! Oh, and I love your name! Report Review
Well, I really enjoyed this story, couldn't stop reading it while I was supposed to be revising so that says something. I like how you portrayed Lilly and kept that innocence of her youth. I also loved Scorpio's character, if only men like him really did exist *sigh*. Just the ending, that last bit before the epilogue, I don't know, it needs some more working up to I think, something different, a little more romance, and I don't think he really would declare it like that, boys are too cowardly to do that. Apart from that the rest of it I loved. Well done, write another one please :) xxAuthor's Response: Heya my fine Gryffie friend! Thanks for the review, though of course officially I say "go and revise"! I'm glad you liked the characters I created here - I've had very mixed opinions about them, so it's good to know at least one person liked them.
The ending; yeah, it's not so good. The reason for this is that I'd originally written one (awful) ending, and then decided I didn't like it, so wrote another (slightly less awful) ending. However, the new ending had no basis in the original story, so it is hopelessly abrupt. As for Scorpius' declaration, I'm hoping the companion piece (Weekend in Azkaban, which you should definitely not read until your exams are over) will allow it to make more sense, but it's probably still too much. One day I'll get round to fixing this, but at the moment my head is all filled with my three WIPs (including the sequel to this story).
Just need to make sure those have a decent ending lined up!
Thanks for reviewing, and hope all's well! Report Review
I like this chapter, BUT. (Yes, there is always a "but..." and it comes right before Henry takes control).
Lily seems to be a bit not like herself. She is turning into the standardized independent Potter/Weasley/MainCharacterPerson girl, which are too many to count (one even in my own story). I don't like reading the same character over and over in different eras and situations, so I won't comment further on it until I get to know her better.
Don't you think that Lily falling for Malfoy the evening after he caught her would be a bit of a stretch? And by "a bit" I mean quite a lot. My first reaction if a Malfoy dared touch me (even if he saved my life) would probably be a punch in the nose for him, without even thinking if he deserved it for whatever he just did - 'a Malfoy always deserves to be punched' is a motto I feel is true.
Another thing is the five hyphens of a dividing line you stuck in the middle of action flow. Why in the world would you separate "Party in the Common Room" from previous chatter on the Quidditch pitch? There is no need, reason nor argument.
The title of the chapter is suitable, but none too surprising and it leaves little to interpret. An ideal chapter title situation is in "Match" by mental. and it is a story I often refer to for good writing style (but not for too much originality - it is a Sirius/OC after all and those never make it too far into the "good literature" section).
A thing that made me cringe slightly is the naming of Gryffindor girls. Somehow Electra doesn't sound like a wizarding name - more like a 90's cross-dressing drag queen. Oops. Also, the name Carmella doesn't seem too Hogwarts, even in the Next Gen. Think about it: the magical world is about a century or five behind muggles as names go.
On the bright side, we got to know the main character better. She changed (as I said before). You introduced Rose (a valid description, I think) and we found out that James is a playboy, while Albus is a bit of a voice of reason. Teddy is also mentioned - brownie points for that! I love Teddy Lupin.
That's the end of my rant for now! See ya next chapter!
AdrielneAuthor's Response: So, many things to reply to. I'll start with those things I could potentially defend. Electra is the name of a star. Burke (her surname, though I realise it's not been mentioned yet) makes her a distant relative of the Black family. Hence, I feel a somewhat canon name. Carmella isn't a wizarding name at all, but I figure there's always one random muggleborn with a terrible name!
Also (though this one is clearly my fault as I must have given this impression) - she has NOT fallen for Malfoy at this point. She's just vaguely intrigued by him doing something so utterly out-of-character. She still sees him as someone to be wary of, honest!
So, onto the indefensible. The hyphens thingy - that was a weird thing I was trying out to separate section of a chapter, which is utterly unnecessary and so cut from my writing style. It will be removed pronto! The title - well, it's less than great, but you should have seen the ones I didn't use! Seriously, I suck at titles, so any suggestions are most appreciated!
Sorry, but that's all of Teddy for this story (ducks and runs away), but I'm glad you liked the other characters - this was the chapter where I decided to make this whole thing more than a one-shot, so it suddenly became imperative to create some characters.
Hope Lily becomes less formulaic, but not holding out a lot of faith, as well, I've read her! On the plus side, I'll definitely be adding more flaws to her character in the sequel! Report Review
Hello, winner of the "Quidditch Game Challenge"!!! xD
Explanation for long wait in PM on the forums... Oops.
Anyways, back to reviewing:
This chapter is very well-written, though if I hadn't read through all the warnings, summaries and such I'd probably have guessed the narrator was Rose. I do not recall you mentioning Lily's name even once in this chapter.
I like the narrating style and the Briticisms (I noticed a few) add a slight Rowling feel to it :) but your style is original and I like it very much.
The "too many Weasleys and Potters to count" situation, always present in Next Gen stories, is not overused here. I think I would have tried to get some more out of it, actually - good job restraining from that!
The actual game is only described as Seeker moves go and - despite the mentioned plays and moves - I don't really get the excited feel that Rowling brought to us every time flying was involved. I missed that spirit.
I enjoyed the plot twist at the end - Malfoy saving a Weasley's butt could be just putting the situation straight: GrandMalfoy didn't do anything good, Harry saved Malfoy Sr and now Malfoy Jr saved Harry's relative... Is that where the plot goes? We'll see!
I'm giving this a 9/10 for minor grammar mishaps (probably more a style issue than grammar anyways). Great job!
AdrielneAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! Yeah, kinda didn't even occur to me to point out who was narrating - I've purposely used the unmentioned narrator trick in later fics, but in this one, the fact that James wanted to bench his siblings is all you get. Hmm, might add a word to his instructions to her, to make it clearer.
I used Britishisms? Being British, I don't even notice myself doing this - that's just how I talk! Good to know it works though.
Yeah - this match really doesn't have all that much tension, and it's the one thing I plan to work on when I do the inevitable re-write. It wasn't 'til your challenge that I even considered the chapter from a tense match point of view, but now I have, I can see it needs more to really deepen that quidditch match JKR feel.
Will also have to give this a quick grammar clean up - it was posted pre-beta, and so never got the polish it deserves, but I'll get it done some time.
Anyways, there have been some really useful ideas in this, so thanks again! Report Review
Yay! I love it! It's a great ending, you are a great writer! Dark Arts, Ha! Patronus, dark magic? Love it!Author's Response: Wow, I'm so glad you liked it so much, and thank you so much for taking the time to let me know. I plan to start the sequel soon; hope you get a chance to read it!
Thanks for reviewing, you've made my day! Report Review
hi i am back,
Wow this is a great ending, love the news paper artical. it's cool.
I like it very much and so happy that Electra and Louis got back together and i am gald that Lily and Scorp got together well done.
thank you for reqesting this story it is great.
Estelle XOXAuthor's Response: Hi!
Wow, so glad you liked the ending - I've been pretty worried about it, so good to know.
Yeah, had to have Electra and Louis get back together - it wouldn't be a happy ending if Lily's best friend was still feeling done wrong. And yeah, Lily and Scorpius was a definite must - don't do unhappy endings as a rule!
Thanks so much for all your support with this project, it has really helped me keep writing. Report Review
hi i'm back again
This chapter is great,
Wonder what will happen with Electa and Louis
Scorp and Lily
i had better read on
Estelle XOXAuthor's Response: Nice to know I've kept you guessing! Thanks so much for reading all of this; hope the last chapter doesn't disappoint! Report Review
hi it's me, i'm back again to finish the reviews.
Wow Scorp you prat...
Poor Lily, wonder what will happen there.
Hugo haha Do you like gold or silver with your jewlery haha
this is a really great chapter.
Best get onto the next one
Estelle XOXAuthor's Response: Yay, glad you're still liking it - I did wonder if the humour got lost at the end, so it's nice to know that someone's still being amused. I am surprised though at how many people take Lily's side in this - can you say "over-reacting"! Still, nice to know people like her enough to feel sorry for her.
Thanks for reviewing. Report Review
YAY SO HAPPY they kissed YAY *jumps up and down*
oh this chapter was brilliant. Wonder what James is going to do. Don't think it will be pretty to be honest.
Well i have loved reading this story, but since i have changed my rules saying that i am only going to review three chapters at a time i am at the end of my road.
But do re request i would love to keep reading to see what happens.
Estelle XOXAuthor's Response: Yay! If only James hadn't come along and produced that all essential conflict ;-). It's amazing how many people have assumed James is going to react badly... it's almost as if Lily's portrayed him as an insensitive so-and-so!
If you're sure you don't mind... I'll definitely be over to re-request, particularly as there are only three chapters left! Thanks for all your input. Report Review
OH well, well, well this is getting very interesting yay.
Louis naughty *shakes head* wonder what will happen now between those two.
Well Valentine's Day is the next practise for the two. mh wonder what will happen?
Best get onto the next chapter
Estelle XOXAuthor's Response: What indeed? And yes, almost can't believe Louis' actions myself - that's not how a Weasley should conduct themselves! Hope Valentine's day lives up to your expectations!
Thanks for reviewing all these! Report Review
Hi MissSpitfire/Estelle Black here with your review you asked for.
did I say i love this story at all? i am very much into it. I wonder what will happen with Louis and Electra and Hugo and Chelsea... i am also curious about Lily and Scorp.
Well i had better get onto the next chapter
Estelle XOXAuthor's Response: You said you liked it - so 'whoop' about the upgrade! Glad you're still interested in what's going to happen to this new trio.
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
How could it be less romantic? They're the successful version of Romeo and Juliet! No-one died! They're alive and SNOGGING!
xEAuthor's Response: Glad you liked it - others have suggested this chapter "takes the romance away", so I'm glad to know at least one person was happy with the ending. There is nonetheless an edited version coming out - this one was the combination of my original (and ridiculously cheesy) ideas with a newer plot line, the revised version cuts the original cheesiness altogether. Really hope you get a chance to read it!
Thanks so much for your uplifting review! Report Review
Right oh! I've got a bit to help you with grammar and dialogue!
"Yes, Lexi, that's the most important part of all this." I muttered sarcastically.
(I don't know if you asked me or not, but here goes!)
This is as very witty little retort from Lily right? All clean and polished, right? WRONG! (not the witty part, but the clean and maybe polished part at least) You see, a quick fix to this is heading over to the Writer's Resources section and looking over the guidelines for dialogue. It helped me a ton, but I think I can help you.
You noticed how in this sentence, Lily is muttering? Well, that has direct ties to the dialogue, doesn't it? And the rule (not sure if it's a rule of thumb or what, but it's a rule nonetheless) is that if the next line of narration has direct 'ties' to the line of dialogue preceding it, then you MUST not use a period. Instead you must use a comma (unless it's an exclamation point or question mark, then you just leave it) and lowercase the next word in the following line of narration (unless it's a name, then you just leave the name)
However, if the following narration has no ties to the line of dialogue, then you leave the period (or whatever) and capitalize it as a new sentence.
Rereading through the chapter I'm not entirely sure if that was a typo (as I've spotted a few other mistakes along those lines) or what, but . . . oh well. I've explained it. No going back now.
never thought of getting concussed
^That's a line spoken by Malfoy. I might change it to 'getting a concussion' - I just think it might flow better. Also, there's a bit of dialogue with James . . . oh where is it . . .
Don't you care what your family think at all?
FOUND IT! It's missing a word or a letter somewhere I think. What about you?
And with that I've finished! And . . . I kind of have a raised eyebrow. It works I think, but it's kind of . . . well it was rather easy wasn't it? I don't know - sure the romance has been taken away, and not that anything's been cheesy, it just feels like . . . I've got! Great analogy! It feels like a skeleton. The story's all there, and there in perfect form and everything (I quite like the epilogue myself), but it just feels like there's a lot missing. Where's the muscle, you know? And the shiny skin?
I'm not exactly sure how . . . but I can offer that as advice. Lily and Scorpius's reconciliation was a second. And the James bit kind of seemed strangely out of place.
However, beyond that, we're definitely looking at a cute and good story. I will give you the premise and everything is rather good. Lily might strike some as a Mary Sue - good a Quidditch - amazing at magic, no real flaws that aren't adorable or helpful in some ways, but I liked her. She was innocent - and up until the end she didn't like to flaunt them, which was good, I think.
I hope I was able to help at least a bit. And thank you for requesting me this story. An easy read (very clean grammar, quick quips) through and through. And that's definitely not a bad thing.
JacksonAuthor's Response: Thanks for the typo alerts. Not really sure how to use the rest of the advice, but I'll definitely be thinking about it.
Glad there were some redeeming qualities for me to keep using. Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Loved the story and I love the chapters either way...
Sequel sequel.Author's Response: There will be a sequel, but there will be a break first, while I finish uni and get the plot cemented down. So glad you liked this one though, and hope you get a chance to read the companion piece coming out later this week.
Thanks so much for letting me know that you enjoyed this! Report Review
All right! Hi Capella, here to give you my 'first' review, so on that note, let's take a look at this story.
We're looking at a novella, so it's not as though this is meant to carry on forever, though from the story stand point I would definitely open up the beginning. I mean, if I'm thinking of this story on a character - by - character basis, Lily is definitely given an opening. Well, the start's a Quiddtitch match, but after that we seem to get a kind of summarized version of the characters. James and Albus, Lexi and Chelsea are thrust at us. Not necessarily in a bad way, but kind of in a quick way. We are supposed to care about the situations they go through. Hugo and Louis might be expanded on as well. Maybe you could show interaction between Lily and those friends in different situations that aren't exactly relevant to the plot but definitely help us relate better to them and begin to invest in them. I'm not saying fifteen new chapters or anything, but a few quick quips of dialogue might be just the trick.
However, when we get past this however, we look at the plot. From the trinket chapter on I think it was rather predictable, but not necessarily in a bad way. It's cute, but nothing's really surprising. I could tell just from the way Lily 'thought' and the story moved along that Louis wasn't at fault for the trinket (though the bit that it was actually a second hand gift was a bit of an unexpected twist - makes Louis more real) and Scorpius was not doing this for a bet. Or a joke. I mean, I can't be sure, but I really get the feeling from the dialogue that Scorpius and Lily shared that Scorpius really did care about her and she completely overreacted.
However, I do really like the set up you made for that. Planting the seed of worry in her head with James's comments were definitely clever as a plot device.
On the definite brighter side, I believe this fic has plenty of upsides. It's rather docile, bright and truly good hearted. Your characters are all easy going and besides from the rift between Lexi and reality (:P) it was pleasant through out. Lily isn't really a Mary Sue, I think, but I like the way that you portray her prodigal ability at magic and explain it thoroughly. You definitely have Lily firmly under your grasp. Scorpius is definitely deep as well.
Jackson Robles. I do look forward to seeing how this story ends - and I liked the family picnic as well. We get more insight into the characters. And the climax is swiftly approaching! And while I do know what is going to happen I can't help but feel curious about how exactly it'll pan out.Author's Response: I'm glad you found Lily and Scorpius' characters developed, even if the rest are lacking! Will have a look at expanding on the rest - and the tip about adding some minor interactions could definitely work.
Yeah, the story is largely predictable - it's not meant to be a suspense or a drama, just a romance. I'm glad the minor plot twists caught you unawares, as I wanted the story to have at least some complexity and depth.
The ending is rubbish at the second - may I recommend waiting until the edited version goes up (should be tomorrow or Friday)? It still may be a bit abrupt, but at least it's less muddled now.
Thanks for all your R&R. Report Review
I think Lily's annoying. And Scorpius is socially inept.
That's my response to this latest development.
Though I do like all the background things going on with Cupid and WWW's antics.
I'm definitely curious to see what happens with the couple in the next chapter, and as such, these last two chapters will be my 'real' reviews.
*claps hands together* Are you ready?
XD JD!Author's Response: Well, yeah, but they couldn't be happy the whole time, and I find that all too often couples do end up fighting over mis-communications. Hopefully it wasn't too unbelievable!
Thanks for reviewing. Report Review
Confusing there for a little while - but not the narrative's fault. More like what's exactly going to happen. And what does it mean that the Cupid thing got free (rhetorical question)? I think it means that Hugo's an idiot.
And James of all people. Where's Albus been, for that matter! I like Albus. But that's off point.
I'm still reading. And for your first fic things are going well. Nice chapter name, by the way.
And I was wondering - shouldn't you capitalize your chapter titles? This one is 'Stupid Cupid' but the other ones are lax in the grammar department ;)
JDAuthor's Response: Ahh, the one part of my fics that isn't beta'd... I'll get on that!
I'm pretty sure all your questions get answered in the next chapter, and yeah, they were supposed to be left unanswered at this point.
Glad you like Albus - a little more of him to come.
Thanks for continuing to R&R! Report Review
Humph. That little crystal thing is interesting. The summary of your final chapter leads me to believe that someone other than Louis implanted that thing on Louis's charm thing.
Scorpius and Lily are coming along nicely, although I'm still having issues with the other characters. I can't really see Electra as corporeal, though Chelsea is much better. I'm sure by the end of the fic however everything'll be how it should be.
Off to nine!
JD :)Author's Response: Hope so, though not sure she develops overly. Glad Chelsea is more real to you now though.
As for the crystal... hmm, I may need to look at avoiding that being too obvious!
Thanks for all the support and critiques! Report Review
WRITE THE SEQUEL NOW! BEFORE I GO INSANE!Author's Response: LOL. There are some one shots that follow on from this story, and they'll be coming out ASAP, but unfortunately the full sequel might have to wait until I finish uni (May) or I'll go insane!
Thanks for reading and being so excited about the sequel! Report Review
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