i can't believe I'm back aha seriously i am so drawn to this story. PLEASE UPDATE x Report Review
I LOVE YOU AND THIS STORY this was amazing as per usual, thank you so much for the update.
I know it's an odd request and not very comely for a reviewer to try and manipulate what the author is writing: but, perchance, could you soon write some more "present-time"? Like obviously these chapters are great and are providing awesome insight into Marlene. But I ADORE how you write future-Marlene. Honestly, so so good. And her interactions with Sirius! Sublime.
Thank you! xxAuthor's Response: Hello hellOoooOO!!! :D
Dont get me wrong, but you are like an alod friend that keeps coming aorund every now and then and warming my day. :)
Im so glad that you keep reading and that you enjoy this story even though Im such a slow writer. And its ok about the request, I will take it to heart, promise.
the reason Im writing these chapter about Marlene's past is because i want you guys to understand how important, unique to ehr character, and (hopefully) deep is her relationship with Lily, her friendship and love, because later on it will drive Marlene to do very naughty things in the name of that connection and friendship.
I had planned on writing at most another two chapters from Marlene's school days - explain how she got her scars and give a more concrete reason for her belligerant and hostile nature - and then get back to the 'present' but i can find a way to alternate or something.
Or updat a lot faster so you won't have to wait too long. ;P
Im so happy that you like her interaction with Sirius by the way - thanks for saying that.
I hope not to dissapoint in the future.
Thank you so much for your words and for always finding time to say them! Report Review
I'm still obsessed with this story. Good God don't stop!! Ahaha I'm awaiting the next chapter eagerly!
XxAuthor's Response: Hi there. Im finally back, and Im almost finished writing the next chapter of this story. Im sorry it has taken me so long to come back, but life has not been very easy lately. The next one is going to be a humongusly long chapter, because I've been away such a long time.
Thank you for coming back to this story, it means so much to me.
I really hope that the next one doesn't dissapoint. Report Review
So I read this chapter before going back and reading the new 10/11 and it made is so much more heartbreaking when Marlene thought about her family, although I'm sure it worked the other way around as well. And I have to say, although there are spelling and grammaticals like every other story, you do an amazing job of fleshing out characters and keeping the other characters true to JKR's original pen, which I absolutely love! Cheers! Also, and I think I either skipped around it or forgot, does this take place during Harry's 5th year?Author's Response: Hi! Im so happy that the new chapter is in line with the mood of the story. i was starting to think I had seriously lost my touch.
And yeah, I think somewhere in teh first chapters i specify that this story unravels during the summer before Harry's fifth year. Its been a long time since you've read the first chapters, its no wonder there's confusion on that. (I myself dont even remember what descriptions i used to specify the timeline)
Unfortunately for anyone who reads my stories, grammar and spelling mistakes are usually very much present in my writing, mostly because i suck at editing. And they always multiply when i dont double check what i write, and that's the case with the new chapters because i was so anxious about finally posting them.
Marlene's family and her deep love and conection with them is one of the motors of her actions, so i had to find a way to make that connection as clear and strong as I could. Im glad that you felt it and that you were able to feel for Marlene. Really, it doesn't particularly matter which chapter you read first, because this story isn't exacly linear ;P
You have no idea what a relief it is to hear that the canon characters are true to the original JKR description - im always obsessing about that, because i really really want to keep them real and the way JK wrote them, even though its a different story Im telling.
Thanks so much for reading this story! I hope the next chapters do justice to your expectations :) Report Review
Hello again! Sigh, I've missed this story. And finally, some answers! I know I'm supposed to hate Marlene, but I do feel quite bad for her in these past few chapters. I hope you'll update again soon! :)Author's Response: ***HELLO!!! ***
Its so good to hear from you too! :D :D
I'm sorry I havent updated this in so long, but I've had such a horrible block that I actually started another story altogether just to get out of it. I dont know what happened to my imagination, i just couldnt get out a single word that made sense.
But now Im writing again and Im very slowly getting out of that epic crash-and-burn i had. I made myself get back to this story and started with a LOT of editing on the past chapters (mostly grammar and breaking long chapter into 2 parts) and doing that made me feel like I could get back on track again much easier than i had initially thought.
I really hope to close on Marlene's past with the next couple of chapters, and get back to what's happening while she is with Harry. The next one is in the que and in the middle of chapter 18.
Thank you so very much for not giving up hope on this story. It really means a lot :) Report Review
I'm very confused by this entire chapter. I'm confused at how it even is supposed to fit in with the prologue. Plotwise, it doesn't seem too implausible. Mostly though, it came across as very confusing to me with the diction you chose to describe the situation.
Clarity is a very important thing to have when you communicating the plot and stuff to your story so I would consider getting a beta again to help you because I'm really not sure how to understand this chapter.
Grammar and issues were about of the same level of issue as the past couple of chapters. I really think that working out some of these kinks would help the reader to be understand where you want the plot to go and allow the reader to be intrigued and be able to have an easy time reading your story.
Your plot is intriguing and your characters are readable but its the mechanics that really take away any ability for me as a reader to enjoy and really be able to get into your plot.
Best of luck,
LMWAuthor's Response: Last of three - thanks again for that.
Ok, i dont mean to make you feel guilty or anything - I actually i want to thank you a lot for the very helpful reviews and advice - but it was really hard to take in your opinion because I realised how much the mistakes i consider somewhat insubstantial (I mean here grammer) take away from the story. On the other hadn I was actually encouraged to try and do better of explaining mysef and find the right language to tell a story. I was a little discouraged because for the most part, I have little control over both of these aspects and I cant really fix them by myself.
That doesnt mean I wont try though *insert determined face here*
Im also sorry to have forced this on you (even thought im glad for your opinion) because its kinda easy to tell that you read this just because i'd asked for a reaview in your thread. Knowing that you would have been a reader that would have totally switched story if you could is... well, saddening, but I promise that Im going to try really hard to improve.
Thanks for taking the time! Report Review
Hi LMW back with your second chapter request. Overall, I think you have some serious points that could be improved with some attention to detail and a beta.
First off, you have many canon terms that you have misspelled in the past couple of chapters including Metamorphogus. Amongst other words, you need to pay attention to such detail and it will immensely help your crediability as an author and allow the reader to have a better understanding of what you mean.
Secondly, you tend to have several run-on sentences; break up your sentences with semi-colons, dashes, and commas. You try to write complicated sentences, but gramatically, they do not come out correctly.
Your characterisation seems to be in canon most of the time; Snape seem correct as well as the kids and so does Sirius it seem. I was confused by this chapter because of the beginning with Marlene's voice then it switches to Sirius'. You may want to make a clear indication that you switched.
It was very hard for me to read the first part because in my mind, the language and Marlene's character seems very forced. It seems like you trying to push the fact that she is so "bad" and so "angry" and so whatever other word you would choose to describe someone who had a carefree but witchy attitude. If you removed some of the lanuage and kept some of the cool nature perhaps, you could convince of what her personality is really like.
Overall, the chapter was hard to read due to the grammar and mechnical issues. I'd reccomend considering to re-reading this chapter and getting a beta to help you.
LMWAuthor's Response: Hi again. I hadnt bothered at all with the canon terms to tell the truth, because I read the books in three differet languages and very often forget (or get confused) how to correctly write words like 'Metamorphogus' in english. I understand that its irritating, but since i never pay attantion to things like that, its hard to find the mistakes after writing the first draft and then correcting them. I explained the sentence-problem before and yes, i've been told about that i have an issue with that befrore as well. Im not unaware that i desperately need a beta, but i cant seem to find one.
All the entries in italics are from Marlene's pov, i guesss i could specify that in an Author's Note in the begining, I just never thought about doing that. I kinda thought that mentioning Harry and all would set the perspective straight on whose perspective the story is being told from.
Yeah, the first part of this chapter was added afterwards, and i guess I overdid it a little, but the thing is, she is like that. Not bad or angry, but just a kinda mean, spoiled girl that never gets out of her head, because she's too lazy to empathise. Anyway, her personality shows more in later chapters, so explaining here is kinda dum ;P
I actually toned it down a bit after this reaview. Report Review
Hi there, LMW from the forums with your requested review.
Your graphics are very lovely and always add to a story when you want to help the reader be able to envision what characters may look like in your own mind.
The first thing that deters me from the story, however, is the length of the prolgoue. It seems SO long especially just for the first chapter that supposed to introduce a story. Prologues are generally used to set up important details but not tell all of the story. This seems like a one-shot or a short story in itself in the first chapter alone. As a reader, I'm left feeling like my head is spinning and too much was going on.
Once I managed to finish the chapter, a lot of interesting things happened but my biggest thoughts are directed toward the long paragraph blocks you have at times and how I lost my place several times and had to go back to reread. Also, you mentioned you'd done so editing but I found several typos and grammatical issues.
I didn't keep track of all of them and when I went back to find them, I got lost in all the story again so I'd just reccomend going back to re-read. Some earlier reviewers pointed out some good places where to review.
I also think that the premise is intriguing for a reader but I'm not quite sure why you started with this chapter. Marlene is semi-believable but also semi-unbelievable for me at this point. My policy is to give 3 chapter reviews and I'll do the next two.
On to the next,
LMWAuthor's Response: Hi there. Thanks for the set of three reviews, I never get tired of hearing opinions about this story because even to me its a little confusing, since most of the time I write as I feel and then try in a more structured manner to put the pieces toghether.
I went fangirl-crazy over te graphics also, batman and niika are such amazing artists, I should buil them a mini-shrine or something :D
Ok... So, first thing first. The first chapter isnt a prologue. It's the EPILOGUE. This is the last chapter of the story, but posted as the first, which is why its so long and full of stuff happening. I dont know why i wanted to do it this way, really. I couldnt find a better way to start this, so i went with the first idea that poppeed into my mind. I guess i could try to pick another moment in which to start, and maybe that would be better. Im goingt o have to start thinking about that.
I know about the typos and gramar mistakes, and the sentences sounding all wrong or not makig sense... I am aware that as a writer this is one of my major faults but the thing is english is not my first language, so I make a lot of gramar mistakes. And weird sentences are the result of bad translation, because maybe in my language those sentences sound right, but they dont in english. I guess im trying to justify myself right now :( Report Review
I'm sorry this review took like 2 months, but I wanted to read the whole thing before I left a review...
First, this is an excellent novel so far. There are one or teo little grammar and spelling errors throughout, but it's still quite good.
The whole premise of this works well. I found it intriguing and original. It flows fairly well, but there is a little stiffness in some places.
Overall, this is a great piece and a little extra work will make it perfect!
~candycoatedhappinessAuthor's Response: Hi there. its no problem, im actually very flatered that you read it all and so very very happy that you liked it. The gramar and spelling stuff is because i havent fund a beta for this one yet, but i do my best to read it over myself - with very little success, as you can see ;P
Thanks so much for taking th time to read all of this again. Im actually going over this story, to adjust some of it, make it a little easier to read and maybe that will help with th flow of the story as well.
hey!! this is me again from the forums with the review!!
well the ending was cool!! It was fun to read!! I enjoyed it!! and the rest of the chp built up well as well.
Though I think you should improve on your spellings, expression and sentence formation. You can get a beta reader for your story as well, that would help I think =)
Great going and I think you have done a very nice job. The characterisation, the scene setting, the thrill and suspense, its all quite good except that in a few places it seems sort of rushed. Try to work on that!!
Rest, I have given my comments in the first chp's review itself =D
I hope I was of help!!
ADAuthor's Response: I added the begining of this chapter when i was halfway throught the tenth one or something! ;P I was thinking about how Marlene would phrase herself and that came to mind. Im glad that you enjoyed it and that you thought it was funny!
A beta would be great and i need it like nothing else, but unfortunately its prooving difficult. English isnt my fist language you see, so I cant catch most of my own mistakes.
I know about the rushed thing, but it was gone like that on purpose (kind of - Im still goig back to see if i can make it better thought, so thanks of telling me) because I didnt want to story to stall. I wanted to get right into it, because there seemed no point in waiting since, except Marlene, we know all other characters and I didnt feel like dwelling on familiar things.
You were of great help, so thanks for that. Im so glad that I requested! Report Review
I am AditiDraco95 from the forums, with the review you asked for =)
Well right now, I would say that your story had a nice start. It makes the reader eager and excited to know what happens next, and once one starts reading, they wouldn't want to stop. It is written in a very thrilling manner and Voldemort has been described quite perfectly, almost the way JKR does it. So I would congratulate you on that.
You have shaped all the characters quite well and I think it is all done in a detailed yet not boring way, so its good.
And you most definitely dont have "lots of scene setting and nothing happening." You have balanced the scene description and the event happenings quite impeccably and once again I would like to congratulate you on this, as many authors fail to achieve this.
The start is really nice and so is the rest of the chp, but I think it becomes a bit confusing towards the end. Perhaps you should try and make it a bit more simpler for readers to understand.
And there were a few grammatical and sentence formation mistakes here and there,
for eg. "She was detached from everything, there was no emotions in her anymore, just a mix of chemical reaction and body symptoms she could name and pass by without experiencing." Here it should be She was detached from everything, there WERE no emotions LEFT in her anymore, just a MIXTURE of chemical REACTIONS and body symproms THAT she could name and pass by without EVEN experiencing.
If you frame the sentence the way I mentioned, it would make the story a lot more readable and certainly better.
"he didn’t come here to make a fool of herself, but she was an unexpected visitor and as such, slitting a few throats as she made and entrance might give the wrong impression about her intentions. On the other hand, if things got serious, seeing that they had little experience would make them an easier kill. And besides, less Death Eater out there, the better it would be." here too, I think the sentence formation and expression of words can be improved.
Similarly in many places you can give some polish, especially towards the end, so that your story becomes a bit more comprehending and provokes the reader to read more.
Rest all was good, Overall a very good beginning for the story, and really thrilling and fantastic.
Operation: Green with Envy.Author's Response: Hi there. Im so glad that you think this chapter provides a nice start. I had to add it after I started the story because i noticed that I couldnt quite pull the readers in with the one used to have as a starting chapter.
Wow, you have no idea how many cold sweats ive gone throught to try and do Voldie right. Canon character that are so well developed in the books scare the holy hell out of me because i never seem to know what to do with them or if i do them right o_O
I added that about the 'scene setting and nothing happening' in my concers in case you decided to read the first few chapters, because thats when the story really stats to unfors, but not for the forst one - I tried really hard to avoid that kind of thing in this chapter, to move things along and draw interest. I should have pointed this out, sorry, my mistake. Thanks thought, Its good to know that i managed to make a chapter that is not static.
I know exacly what you mean with the way the story gets confusing sometimes. Its because if my weird way of puting sentences together and the many typos that i make when i write. I have tried to get a beta, but nobody would pick up my request :( Im THAT horrible with grammar. Thanks a million for pointing out some of the places that were confusing though. Ill fix those right away!
Thank you so much for reviewing! Report Review
I really don;t know why, but I don;t hate her, I mean I get the feeling I should, she's horrible and probably is the worst person in the world. But I don't hate her, is that weird?Author's Response: Nope, totally not weird ;P
I mean, you're supposed to understand that she isnt the best person thre is, but the hating is goig to come on slowly. Again thank you for reading and taking the time to tell me what you think. Report Review
oooh... she's feisty...Author's Response: Yeah, that's like the major characteristic of her personality that rules over everything else. Thanks for the review! Report Review
wow. that was brilliant! i actually got so scared - which is difficult for a story to do, but in all honesty i had chills! especially the bit where severus was all, "There's someone else here!"
Ah I love it so, so much, this entire story. i feel it's a little under-appreciated; it only has, what, 27 reviews? But it's beautiful. Marlene is such a strong, wonderful character. I really cannot wait for the next chapter! abhfbhfr i cannot express my love for this!
Also, thanks for the mention :) It was a lovely surprise!
ArianeAuthor's Response: Hi! Its so fantastic for me that you liked this! Honestly, this chapter kind of wrot itself and it was supposed to be like way longer (12000 words of more) but i had to break it in two parts. Its always good (great! amazing!) to know that I was able to carry the wanted effect, I actually was worried about that ;P
Thank you for everything, especially for loving this story (can you say thank you for that? o_O oops!) and for the lovely compliments. I hope you like the rest! I've already written most of the next chapter so it should be out soon. Report Review
Yay! Some answers! I'm really glad you decided to keep expanding on Marlene and Lily's relationship, I love them as friends. Can't wait for the next!Author's Response: I know what you mean about finally getting some answers. I feel like I've ben talking in riddles all this time, i hope it hasnt gotten old yet! :D
I dont know how much Im going to expand on Marlene's and Lily realtionship, but now I have a plan in mind - and I think Im going to dwell on them longer than I thought. But it fun thought, because they are so different, they clash, but I somehow have to find a way to make their friendship last.
Thank you for always coming back to this story! Report Review
im not sure why im addicted...but i am.
this is interesting. please update soon.=]Author's Response: :D
Thanks, I'll take it that you like what you've read so far! The next chapter shoudl be up tomorrow or maybe the day after, depending on que. Thank you for reviewing and for reading! Report Review
I HAVE RE-READ THIS SO MANY TIMES!
xxxAuthor's Response: oh god, Im so sorry to keep you waiting... I have been going through a bit of a block recently for this story. I think its because I havent written in cronologically, just bits and pieces as they came to me and now i dont know how to fill the empty spaces...
Thank you for sticking with me and I promise that as soon as the que reopens I'll have a new chapter! Promise! Report Review
I think you nailed Lily and I just adore her. Their friendship is really interesting. I don't know what I was expecting, but this is good. I guess I sort of understand Marlene now but I don't hate her. Anyway, good chapter, as always. I hope you update soon!Author's Response: First of all, sorry about the late. Ive been out because I was kind of exiled to teh beach for holiday (and believe it or not i really dont like the beach - all that sitting and doing nothing gets on my nerves) and had no tecnology access for what felt like forever.
Now, about Lily... you would not believe the relief of hearing she was well liked. i have read so many versions of her, of all qualities, from the lowest to the highest that I was scared sh...less of her character, to tell the truth. I wanted her to be liked but i also want to make something refreshing for her character - I still have to figure out how exacly to do taht thought ;P
I hope that I have an update soon too. Im having some difficulties with smoothing the story out and its giving me some pains, confusing me a little. Ill figure it out though. As always thanks for your review and your attention. Report Review
I loved it. This story is just so, so brilliant! Though I must ask - what exactly is the condition plaguing Marlene? Sorry for being dense, I've been traveling for the past few days and have dreadful jetlag haha!
Also, as I mentioned in my last review, the notion of confusion was not meant negatively - what I was supposed to say was that I like the way the POVs rotate, as does the form of 'person', which, albeit a little confusing, really just makes the story more vibrant.
Finally, even though she's such an impulsive bitch, I love Marlene. I picture her so well in my mind's eye, it feels as if I've met her, really!
Update soon and keep on writing :)!
ArianeAuthor's Response: Thank you very much for the kind words, really. About Marlene's condition, I havent really said anything about that anywhere (yet), as in, to explain exacly what it is, but i will and its going to be a major point in forming her character (but nothing supernatural, dont worry), so you just wait and see. Though I have to admit, that after I read your review, it occured to me that even in the chapter where i give all the explenations, I havent really shown what her condition is about - I just tell and kind of shove it down your throasts. But as I was done reading your words here, my mind was alread on track with a brand new chapter that would show all about it... the only problem is that I'm going to have to put in the middle of this one, or before it, because of the timeline of the events (everything happens when she is just a little girl)
So there you go, next chapter will be dedicated to you since you inspired me to write it. :D
Also, Im really glad that you like the whole Pov changind thing. I promise that I'll get even better as i go, with teh other elements of the story as well. I was hoping that this characteristic would set this story aprat from what i have written before and give it a different dynamic, to make the reader forget that I just went major clishe and brought back someone from the past, a dead someone at that :P
As for Marlene, I'm estatic that you have a vivid picture of her. I really want you guys to love hating her, a real dispiccable character, but thats goingt o need a lot of work - reviews always give me a good pat on the back though, so thanks. I was worrried that I've centered too much aruond her and forgottent he other characters, so Im going to work on other people around the house a bit more in the next few chpters, if i can.
Agan thanks for every word and I cant wait to hear from you again.
Ps: whatch out for your chapter. I really hope I finish it before the cue closes! Report Review
Wow I loved the additions! It was really good insight in my opinion. I'm glad to see this updated but it was well worth the wait. Can't wait for the next :)Author's Response: Thanks! I hoped that you would and Im really glad that you did! Thank you thank you. The next chapter is already in the que, it should be out soon. I cant wait to hear what you think about that one. Report Review
EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS STORY IS AMAZING.
seriously. i like that it's slightly confusing. and i love marlene's character, she's so horrible yet unnervingly likeable at the same time, and i love how you've portrayed sirius and remus!
PLEASE update soon! :D
ArianeAuthor's Response: OMG!! Thank you so much! You made me so proud of myself right now. Im glad that you like the story and like-hate Marlene. I have the next chapter in the que and the next one after that is already written!
Please please, if you ever come back to this to leave another review, Id love it if you could point out what about the story confuses you - because maybe its some mistake on my part and it'd be great to fix it. I know that the switchin in POVs can be a nuisence, so if that's what you meant, Im working on it.
There will be more of Remus later on, hopefully well written, and more of Sirius too. I'm still writing this, so i dont really know where im going :P
Thank again for the review amd hope to hear from you again. Report Review
I think I should take the time to thank you as well; it's rather difficult finding a story that you can keep up with and relay on to be a good read every time. It's just nice to be able to anticipate something.
Anyway, yes lovely chapter! Sirius is just so jkhafgdgs :3
Marlene, Marlene, Marlene. The dislike is growing, in which case, excellent job!
I hope for more soon!Author's Response: AGH thanyou thankyou thankyou! And youre welcome, how could you not be :D
I have been toying these past few days with teh idea of adding a prologue that will make teh story start at teh end of the whole things, with Marlenes death and how she dies. Honestly, Im doing this because the first chapters are boring and I need something to spice things up. It might take a while before I get ti right, but I just wanted to let you know.
Thakyou for everything. Report Review
Wow so it took a long time getting here, sorry about that.
Love it, naturally. Marlene was quite amusing in this chapter but I do feel bad for Sirius (I mean how can you not?).
And now I'm off to the next!Author's Response: No worries, thanks for being back. Im glad that you were able to connect with him. At many points I felt i was being too misterious, but I just wanted to write it the way he was thinking it, like straight from his head you know. No explenation - those will come later. I hope they put the story toghether somehow, because I have a feeling its quite scartered Report Review
First of all, you didn't sound at all demanding in your review request. If at all, the more questions of concern an author raises, the easier my job is! So, by all means, go nuts and give me as many concerns as you have - anything is better than "Anything thx". I want to rip my hair out when I read that.
But anyway. That has absolutely nothing to do with your actual story.
And what a story it is. Lately, I have been asked to review more and more non-cliched stories, the ones that really dig into the essence of Harry Potter, the evil. And I absolutely love them. This is no exception!
I had to admit that, in the first two chapters, I did find myself a little bit lost at places. But that was nothing that a quick re-reading of the last few paragraphs couldn't fix. And as I read more and more, I started to realise just how much of a clever story it is.
One thing, though. In chapter 1, you use the word "Weaslies". It should, instead, be "Weasleys". The 'chop off the y and add ie when pluralising' rule only applies to common nouns.
Now, let's go through your concerns, one by one.
What impression does this leave on me? A good one. And a definite thirst to know what happens next. Although I found myself a bit lost and (though I hate to admit it) a bit bored in some of the earlier chapters, chapters 3 and 4 were definitely enjoyable and interesting to read.
Has your turning a cliched plot into something original worked? Well, forgive me for being clueless, but I'm not sure what cliche plot you are speaking of? To my knowledge, there is nothing that has been written like this before. And I don't see what cliche plot you have turned into this. That isn't to say that that plot isn't good - it definitely is. I am just having a hard time understanding what you mean about how this is a twist on a cliche.
The character development. I'm not sure how much development there really is? The canon characters are ones that we know and love so well and it's hard to develop them further, even if you write an entire thesis of a fanfiction. The characters are believable. If that helps any.
The pacing. I think the pacing is okay. You could pick it up a little bit, though. Don't rush in with guns blazing, you could just afford to speed things up a little bit.
Description. You don't have too much of it. Don't add anymore, but don't cut back. If the way you write description is what you feel comfortable with, then stick to that.
Is the way you are writing consistent with the plot? Well. I don't think a writing style can adapt to a plot. The two are totally independent things. One cannot rely on another.
However, I would ask you to be cautious when you switch from character to character and point of view. It can be a little bit confusing when I'm reading in third person, then third person over someone's shoulder, then first person, then second person and back to third person. Be clear with whose point of view you are writing from.
Are you able to connect me to the story? Well.. in part? I do admit that I am a little bit confused about the story but for the most part, yes, I do connect with it.
Are the bits you wrote in second person clear enough? I don't believe so. I am just one person. Please don't take this harshly! I just did find myself a bit lost...
I am slightly torn on this one. You seem to have a really well thought out plot. And, from what I can make of it, it really is a well developed and interesting and original one. However, I think that your switching from characters and points of view can make it a little bit difficult to really get immersed in this story.
But don't be disheartened! Because this really is such an interesting story and I absolutely love what you have done with Marlene's character. It's just so original and I can't help but want to know more!
Joop :]Author's Response: I like it too when authors know what they want from a review, but sometimes it can be picked up in the wrong way and I didnt want that to happen. I'm glad that it didnt! :D
You wouldnt believe the number of times I have gone back to those two first chapters and rewritten them, cut pieces, tried to make them better... it never is enought! x_x
I hate those two chapters, because they have to be there but I haven found a way to make them more interesting yet... that's why I am so worried about them. So thanks for pointing out you confusion, because now I know that they are going to be totally re-written cause they are ruining my story! Ok, ranting over.
You know, I was like this :) when I read what you had written about the plot. I have read so many stories that deal with characters traveling through time and ending up wherever. I thought that a reader would be put off as soon as it was revealed that this chick is from the past, and bold away from the story. That was the clishe part. The twist is, as you said, digging into ALL forms of evil, because, as Sirius said, the world isnt devided in good people and Death Eaters.
I should have expressed myself more clearly, that was my bad; when I said character development I wanted to know if I have suceeded in making the canon characters beliavable. If you say they are, Im thrilled and enourmously relieved. (because I find them so very difficult to write about... I mean seriously, everyone loves them so much, its a lot of pressure)
Picking up the pacing... unfortunately I was afraid that you would say that. Thats why I wanted you to comment on it, so that I could be sure. I dont know how Im going to do it yet, but as I said before, the first set of chapters is going under major reconstruction.
POVs... I was practicing switching from one to another in this, thats why they are so frequent. (its part of the writing exercises that timeturer posted on the forums, dont know if you have ever seen them) Again, thanks for pointing it out, its clear that I need more practice.
This story is a big experiment, and so is everything in it, from the POV to the bits in second person. Of course Im going to work on them and try to turn them into an element that helps the story flow rather than the contrary.
Thanks for this review, Im not diheartedm - on the contrary, I foound myself grinting my teeth and wanting to do the very best I can with this. I apriciate very much every word you have said, and if you ever come back to this after a while, you'll find that they have been heard. Report Review
Here with my review that you requested!!
Okay, so you have a lot of concerns about this story, I'll try and get everything in, but if I miss out something, I'm sorry...
Ha, I'm sorry but I LOVED the beginning of "In other words, I fucked up pretty bad that day." I grinned badly when I read it.
I think you hit Sirius' character on the head, he hated feeling useless and being practically imprisoned in a house all the time.
I don't see the point in the sudden change of views from the kitchen to Ginny telling the twins. You could just write about Molly putting up the spell and why she does, just so it isn't so jumpy.
The line about the red sea and Moses doesn't fit in, as we all know that they don't have a religion as such and is a bit weird to slot in something from the Bible. You could do something magical.
A few "The day Harry Potter would be" - the 'the' should be 'that' in this sentence. Also, in this paragraph I got lost at who was speaking, you could slot in his name into one of the 'he's in there, just to make it easier to follow.
When they all get the headache/pain in the head, you could describe it a bit more. So instead of what you had written, you could write something along the lines of "Then many things happened at once. I loud explosive sound, shaking the ground and they all flinched in pain as a sharp pain shot through their skulls" - only an example.
And in the next paragraph, because it's full of action try to make the sentences a bit more snappy, so the parts that don't need to be there like “and because of the force of the contact, slid all the"- take them out, we know why the table breaks or cut out some of the words. So it be like "with the table, breaking it's wooden legs and with a bang, it smashed against the ground, sending papers flying everywhere," this can also apply to the part where they draw the wands, a bit more snappy. So take out the “confusion alone” sentence or reword it so it's smaller.
"Please! refrain yourselves from anything rush." Dumbledore.- I think the 'rush' here is suppose to be 'rash'?
I like your style, but there are some parts where you use too many words to say what you mean, or you could make the sentences string together, and not all broken up. Like, here-
"front of her. He towered nearly a foot above her head." - you could write something like... "front of her, but he had to look down as he towered over her petite form" get what I mean?
Also, this sentence should be swapped around a bit ""So we thought you needed some help!" George added, as miss Weasley opened her mouth, not giving time to their mother to respond." - to like "So we thought you needed some help!" George butted in, not giving his mother any time to respond as she barely opened her mouth."
Why would Hermione want to look at the kitchen after wards? All they knew was that it was a fight between Sev and Sirius.
At the part where Hestia says "Someone bring my bag!"- it sounded a bit weird that she turned the body "trying to find the face"- but everyone knows where her face is, the wording just sounded weird. You could write- "to see the face", as it sounds better.
I don't think they use 'tubes' in the wizarding world, I know it looks more dramatic, but they have hundreds of spells and its very Muggle-ish.
Umm.. I think the ending should be written more dramatic. I didn't really connect with that part. So you could write something like. "Hestia stared at the screen, at the little flat line.. "Nobody dies on me kid!" she hissed, and she tore the bloodied shirt buttons open to reveal the girls bloodied and bruised chest"- just try and not write the stuff that just slows the speed down.
I can't really say anything on the character development as the oc is out cold :) but I liked your Snape and Sirius, they were spot on. I think Hermione would of been the one that would propose that they go into the room later, instead of Ron. I can't really say anything more right now, as these are only little snippits.
I think the speed of the story is fine, it's not too slow and not too fast and it grabs the reader on what is going on! Great job on not blabbering on for ages on nothing and just getting stuck in!!
I will get to the next chapter as soon as possible. But I really liked the first one, I can't wait to see what happened when she wakes up!! oooh!!
I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this review to be this big, sorry if it scared you.
Overall I though you did a good job with it.Author's Response: WOW, are you kiding?! I L-O-V-E long reviews (I dont think Im alone on that one), especially when they are as helpful as yours was. I totally fixed all the things you had pointed out for me, and I have to say that some of those things were really ridiculous miss-explenations of me. Hence the 'find her face' thing!!! Every time I read this I couldnt help but laught, it souded so silly after you poited it out. I think I ment to say that her face was all covered with her hair and her clothes that it was difficult to find it or something, but I didnt explain it right! haha!
"Also, in this paragraph I got lost at who was speaking, you could slot in his name into one of the 'he's in there, just to make it easier to follow." - Got that, I already changed it. I just thought that it would be a hint refering to Voldemort as Tom. Who else does that except for Dumbledore! But then when I reread it myself, it was a little confusing. I hope you dont mind tha I used your words when getting these things right. I was just so thrilled that I kept reading your review and going back to the story to rewrite the parts you had mentioned, before I even responded your reviw! But when my words come, I'll put them in I promise.
I also took out all that part about the kids looking at the kitchen... I looked more and more like a mini-filler, with no real point but to express Harry's frustration, and I'll have a lot more chances to do that.
I was so worries about the action parts. I'm no good at those, and I always break into a hyperventilation when writing them. Thanks for the tips. I kind of stole your words there too, when I went back to it. Im also happy that you liked the opening. I use them to give pieces of the OC mind in this story, but that's more obvious in later chapters.
Thank you so very much for everything. Danke - Grazie - Merci - Gracias - Faleminderit - Im out of languages i know... so Thanks! Report Review
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