When I found you had a Draco/Pansy, I couldn't resist. I must say, although this isn't a characterization of Pansy I usually enjoy, I think you did write it very well and put a lot of thought into it. I was reluctantly convinced in the context of your story, and you should be really, really proud of that, hon, because I am REALLY attached to my Pansy.
I think the way you wrote her emotions was very convincing and realistic. She comes across as both broken and still deeply committed, which is a really heartbreaking combination. I liked that you emphasized how much she understands him and how much she wants that connection, because that is an element of D/P that I really enjoy. I can really see a person feeling like this after they have been taken advantage of and discarded.
I loved this line: "Be a model, be like his mother, be exactly what he wanted and adored." because it really sums up what she is willing to do for him. She will throw herself away and become whatever will get him to pay attention to her, it was just so, so sad.
Really well done, hon! I am glad I found this :]Author's Response: Hello, ciara! Thanks for reviewing this...I should have known a Draco/Pansy lover was bound to find this er-not so Draco/Pansy. (Which is more Draco's fault than Pansy's in my opinion...clearly haha).
Thank you so much for you veeery flattering comments. I really appreciate them and I glad that you understood where my Pansy was coming from and how this world (while different from your own) worked/was believable still. That actually does mean a lot to me as I know how attached you are to Pansy/Draco lol. I really think Pansy would do anything for him and maybe always will, but Draco was not interested for a variety of reasons and maybe in some world (yours :P) they would work out.
Thank so much again for your kind words, I glad you felt for Pansy and that you got a sense of exactly what I was trying to convey!
Lisa Report Review
Hi, blondey. I'm here to fill your review request. Just as a reminder, I'm going to be posting mostly critique/cc. I just want to make sure no one feels picked on going in.
I'll start off with characterization, as you mentioned that in your request. I'm not usually a big fan of Pansy-centric stories, as Pansy isn't really a very likable character and is often portrayed rather one-dimensionally. However, I do think you added some layers to her here that make her not only more interesting but also more realistic. You unabashedly embraced her weak and pathetic side and added reason behind her behavior with the comments about her mother. I like that you really seemed to recognize that pitying or looking down on a character is a valid emotional response from a reader. We don't have to like her to understand, relate or feel for her.
Growing on that just a little, I don't love the ending. I didn't feel we'd been set up enough for her transformation. The events and time span of the story just didn't seem to fully justify the total turnaround. I can understand that this may have been an accumulation of neglect from Draco, but then he must have treated her this way before, no? So why THIS night? Why the sudden resolve? In the end, I like the darker tone of the story and would almost have preferred Pansy didn't have her moment of absolution.
You also mentioned flow in your request, so I'll move on to that. I like the general approach you took to this: starting off with action/dialogue, drifting into more internal monologue and then mixing the two a bit more at the end. The internal thoughts were a bit long for me in parts. You actually do scene work very well. I'd trust yourself more on conveying a lot about your characters through their words and behaviors and rely less on describing their thoughts. With the exception of the detail about her mother, I got a lot of what she thinks about herself and her relationship with Draco from the opening scene. I get that he treats her poorly, that she clearly has low self-esteem, that she allows him to neglect her for reasons she probably doesn't fully understand herself, ect.
I'm harping on a bit about this only because you have some fantastic "narrator" comments that would only shine more if the internalization was less abundant. Some of my favorites:
"...flanked at his side like two fat fleshy suits of armor"
"The letter had etched itself over and over again in her mind to the point where the failure reached the size of a real troll."
"She felt like a dog. Curled up and waiting for scraps of his free time..."
To me, these are the gems. This is your writing M.O. Make sure to not hid them. There are simple and understated but vivid and powerful.
I know you said you've been out of the writing game for a while, but welcome back, and thank you for sharing your story with me. I hope I was able to offer something in return.Author's Response: Thank you so much for this amazingly detailed and constructive review. I appreciate it more than I can express right now! I'm sorry that it has taken me so long to reply to this review, I just moved back to college and it's crazy hectic here lol.
I understand exactly what you mean by the ending. And the only response I have for it is that at the time, when I wrote this piece, I felt like I was Pansy because of a certain situation in my life and I guess I wanted both her and myself to feel resolved and strong at the end. But, like I wrote, I understand what you mean about "why THIS time." I will probably look back over the one-shot and evaluate the ending and how I can explain the stronger side of Pansy at the end.
I think this review gave me a much needed confidence boast about my writing and where I am going with it. Thanks for that. I'm glad you enjoyed the little "gems" as you called them lol.
Thanks! Thanks! Thanks!
Lisa Report Review
I'm here with the review you requested (I'm still thrilled that you researched my reviews :D).
I feel sorry for Pansy. At first she seems so normal, so like a lot of girls I know who would do anything to get the boy they want to pay attention to them; but I also think what you've done with her is very realistic and very much like the Pansy we see in DH.
Draco is such a prat, but then I've always thought that about him. It takes having to (and failing to) kill Dumbledore that helps him mature into a man that realizes his own mistakes and flaws. He's very much how I picture him to be in HBP. However (and don't quote me on this) but I'm not sure that he would use the term 'pricks'.
Also, where Pansy is pushed out of the way and falls over, the term 'ass' is very much an American term where as in Britain they use the term 'arse'. It might be the only time I can actually britpick! lol
Now I have several nitpicky things before I get into the rest of my review (else I might forget!).
First: Pansy leaped off the couch, took a few steps, and landed This just reads really weird to me. To be honest, I'm not sure how someone can leap off a couch, take a few steps in the air and then land. It just seems the sentence is out of order to me.
Second: All she underneath his snarl was a determination There appears to be a word missing here. Did you mean "all she saw underneath his snarl"? Because that would make total sense.
Third: She was not allowed ask questions This is just a confusing sentence. She was not allowed asking questions or She was not allowed to ask questions would sound so much better.
Fourth: Every one if her coughs, sniffles, or cries pretty simple typo. IF should be OF.
Fifth: He would've to tell her what he was doing This sentence is confusing and I'm not exactly sure what you meant to say in it.
Sixth: "It won't happen again, sorry," Crabbe spoke up in Goyle's place. I Not sure why there is an I at the end of this sentence. I'm figuring it's just a typo.
As far as flow goes, it works just the way you've written it, except for the points I've mentioned above. Some of the typos or odd sentence structure takes away from the flow of the story and stops the reader while they try to figure out what you meant to write. Otherwise your plot and your flow are just fine.
I rather liked this little insight into how Pansy and Draco didn't work out. So many people concentrate on Draco after he's already married to Astoria and forget that Pansy was even in the picture.Author's Response: Hey DarkLadyofSlytherin! First of all, thank you so much for the fantastic, most awesomely thorough review. I appreciate it very much. It's nice to get some constructive feedback and helpful tips too.
I have looked over each section that you mentioned and corrected the typos and awkwardness of Pansy falling. The only thing I kept was "pricks" lol. I'm glad you felt like the piece was believable and that the characterizations were realistic. Reading that made me feel good haha. Thanks again, this review was excellent :)
Lisa Report Review
I felt so sorry for Pansy! The way Draco totally ignored her. I think this was a great one-shot actually. Well-written. Good job!Author's Response: Thank you, Matiilda! That was my aim, glad you enjoyed my one-shot :)
-Lisa Report Review
Nice one shot. Pansy's metamorphosis to a proud Slytherin was well shown is this fic. I liked it.Author's Response: Thanks very much, Timechild :) I appreciate that you took the time to review this one-shot...And am really glad you to see that you liked it!
-Lisa Report Review
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