Wow. This was pretty darn good for a first story. I've ready many firsts for author's here and I have to say you're a pretty good writer for a being a newbie. Well, a good writer for anyone really :) I did enjoy this story. This is the first story I've read that somebody actually paid attention in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and used Salem Academy as the American school. I've got a story of my own that used it, and I'm glad to see you found use of it too. Anyways, on with your review...
I really like the name Sephe. It's different and that's really good to have in a story. Common names don't have as much attraction, so you started out very well there. I also like Sephe's background. The plot is very interesting and original. I'm very anxious to read on and see how she takes her meeting with her sibling (I'm guessing she eventually finds him and I'm guessing it's Draco with him being on the banner and all?). So exciting!
You started out very well in the first few paragraphs. It was a bit difficult to follow though at times. I think the flow of the chapter could use a bit of work. There also could be some more description in it. What does Sephe look like? The banner only gave a image of her, but you can't rely on it to show a mental picture to your readers. The way things were explained also could have used more description. I sort of just read it as words on a page, but do NOT worry. Every beginner starts out that way. I definitely remember writing my first story (similar to yours. American girl from Salem going to Hogwarts), and I just did NOT write description well at all. Many other authors are the same way, too. It's all about practice. Description is something that is so unique to each author and you'll eventually build that skill up. It all takes time.
I think you did a good job with Neville and Luna though. I could picture Luna saying everything she did in the exact way J.K Rowling writes her. Nice job there! Ginny seemed a bit out of character. I don't really understand why she was with Seamus as she goes out with Dean in the books. But writing original characters is tricky. I've written HPFF for a little over a year and I'm still working on writing original characters well, so no worries.
I'm just a little confused on when this is set though. I believe you said Order of the Phoenix but I believe you also said Sephe was 15 at one time and then she's sixteen in another time. And if it's set in Order of the Phoenix, Ginny and Luna would be in their fourth year rather than sixth and Neville and Seamus in their fifth. Just a little confusion there...
But all in all, great story! I really did enjoy this!! I think you're a very promising writer. I hope all I said didn't sound mean in any way. I love this story overall!!
Please request again when you're ready for another review for the second chapter! Thanks for requesting!
Clair :D (EvelynCullen09 on the forums) Report Review
i really like this fic
Im geussing Draco is her brother
i wonder when he'll figure out
or when everyone else will
update soonAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review! I am *very* glad that you like my fic. As for your guess about Draco.you shall have to see. Though I will venture that you are very insightful. As for when he and everyone else will figure out, I have yet to find that out myself. I will do my best to update soon. :) Report Review
I never really thought of what house Sephe should go into, on one hand I'd prefer Gryffindor just because I'd love to see more altercations between her and Ron but Slytherin is okay too largely because Draco is in that house and it seems too cliche for her to be in Gryffindor assuming this is a Harry/Sephe story. So, I think that she is okay in Slytherin.Author's Response: Yeah, they are both kinda good choices. But Slytherin is the best, I think. As for altercations between Sephe and Ron.>evil smile< He is Harry's best friend, after all. We shall have to see.>evil laugh Report Review
Good Story, I am interested and will continue to read.
I seem to enjoy the stories of the transfer students lately.
A few minor errors in spelling and grammar, but the story makes you over look them.
Sorry, I know who Edward is.Author's Response: Thank you for the review! I am glad that you like the story. >happy dance< Sorry about the errors. I do use spell check, but somethings must have gotten through. Oh well. Glad they were overlook-able.
Great Chapter even though it was short. I was bummed that Sephe got placed into Slytherin but am curious to see how you will have Harry treat her now that she is and also how you will have Sephe and Draco interact when they finally get to meet?Author's Response: Thank you for the review! About Sephe's placing...I really believe she should go there.Out of curiousity's sake, where did you think she should go? As for the Harry/Sephe drama and the Sephe/Draco drama, you shall have to see. Heck, we shall all have to see! Myself included. My charries are rather...singular. And sorry about the short chapters. My muse has a screwy sense of timing. Report Review
I really like this story so far and am looking forward to reading more. Keep up the good work and the part about Sephe embarassing Ron was classic. Report Review
*in small voice* I like cookies...
So if the payment is cookies then I most definitely can help you out with a banner. My e-mail is ssmiley (at) charter (dot) net if you are interested. I hope to hear from you soon =] Report Review
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