Reading Reviews for Obsessed
  
6 Reviews Found

Review #1, by DemetersChild Beginning of the End

26th January 2011:
DemetersChild here with your second review!

Flow and information are just fine. The thing I had a problem with was that this was from Morana's perspective and she's not even five yet. This writing style is that of someone who is much older. I suppose it's fine since it's written in past tense and it could be Morana writing this as an adult, but it just seems so weird. It doesn't sound like a 4 year old girl. Even her conversations, her thoughts--I think they're a bit too complex. And Allen, he would be 3? Maybe even 2? The way you've written him I imagine him to be a 5 year old at least.

Most children that small don't understand death. I don't think Morana would see her mother die and really accept it like that. Not if she was 4 years old. It's just something to think about.

I am really enjoying the story though. It's definitely caught my interest. I'm curious as to who Chris is and why Fenrir was there and what's going on. I want to know why Vena came home early and what had happened that night. Very very curious to find out!

Magically Yours,

Dem

Author's Response: Aha! That's what was wrong. I knew something was definitely off in this story so far, and that's certainly one of the issues. It's sad that I have a child around that age, and I still can't manage to write in the POV of a child that age. My goodness, it's killing me.

I'm going to go back and definitely try to dim it down a bit. Maybe I'll actually sit and listen to my little cousin (who's three) and my son whenever they have their little conversations to see exactly how kids that age talk. It's driving me nuts trying to write like them without going overboard.

So, thank you so much for that critique. It's something I desperately needed. And I'm happy this story got you thinking, dude. Everything should come out in future chapters about everyone, especially why Vena came early.

Thank you, dude! Your reviews were so helpful as I'm starting to go back and edit some of these chapters before posting a new one. Thanks. :)

-Reyes91


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Review #2, by DemetersChild Running

26th January 2011:
Hello there! DemetersChild here from the forums with your review! Sorry it's taken me so long. I tend to drop off the face of the earth every few months, but I'm back now. :D

Anywho, you asked about flow and if I felt that any more information was needed. So far, I think it's flowing rather well. It isn't rushing through things, the transition from May to December was easy, the subtle hint from Dumbledore about what was about to happen made that transition even better. We didn't have to wonder what he was talking about because we got our answer right away.

As for information, I don't think anything else was needed. Obviously Sirius and Vena had something going on while they were in school and Sirius loved her very much. I think that she loved him too, which is why she didn't want her daughter to look like him because of the pain she would have to go through to see that every day.

The summary makes it obvious that it's about the daughter and not the mother, which is one of the reasons I like this introduction. It explains who Morana is through a different perspective. The reader will probably know more about where Morana came from than the girl knows herself.

I'm looking forward to seeing how she plays a role in Harry's life and who Morana becomes.

Magically Yours,

Dem

Author's Response: What's up, dude? I don't mind the wait; it was worth it.

Thank you. I sometimes have an issue with flow, especially on introduction chapters. I tried to put enough information without just giving the entire story away right off the bat. I'm extremely grateful that you got it and understood the basis of what was going on. There will be a bit more information about Sirius and Vena's relationship later on though.

Thank you so much for this review. Again, definitely worth the short wait!

-Reyes91


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Review #3, by Cleopatraa Dying

16th December 2010:
Hey this is Cleopatra from the forums and your fellow Slytherin and I guess Iím also your secret santa! I just read your review and just saw that you were my secret santa!

First thing first I love the name Vena. Itís such a beautiful name and I actually was befriended with a girl called Vena. Omg it was so freaky in the first chapter that Dumbledore knew that she would conceive at first I was like huh what does he mean with stay healty.

Does Nick beat Morana or molest her? Sorry Iím typing this review and reading it at the same time so if you already going to answer it ignore it.

Chris knows Fenrir? Like Fenrir Greyback, the werewolf? Is he a werewolf or something?

The Cruciatus Curse!?!? Do Morana and Allen go to Hogwarts? And if so is Morana a fellow Slytherin? And what about her little brother which house is he in?

So I guess I was right Chriis really is a wolf? *High-five to me*

A merry christmas to you and I hope you will enjoy your holidays ( if you holidays now in your country) fellow Slytherin!

-xoxox-

Cleopatraa

Author's Response: Well, hello fellow secret santa!

I love that name too, it's so simple. And the reason Dumbledore knows is something that will be found out much later on in the story. It isn't anything freaky or something like that; he just...heard about it.

It's just some general abuse. Nothing...overly bad. (and no reason to apologize for typing while reading. I do it a lot)

Yep, that Fenrir.

Nope since they're in America, they go to an American school.

*High-five back!!*

A very Merry Christmas to you as well, fellow Slytherin. Thank you very much for the review/gift,

-Reyes91


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Review #4, by HarryPotterRockss (: i loove him. Running

22nd October 2010:
this is good. i love your writing techniques (:
when are you writing the next chapter ?

Author's Response: Thank you very much, dude. The next chapter is already waiting to be validated.

Thanks for reviewing!

-Reyes91


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Review #5, by DracoFerret11 Running

17th April 2010:
Hey, it's DarkRose from the forums!

Okay then... hmm...

This seems so far to be a really original story. I really liked the plot-twist of her being pregnant. I believed her that it was a "family emergency" until she talked to Dumbledore. And I so-far like all the OCs and how they're developing. It's interesting to see how Selene is dealing with being someone whose actions cause terrible consequences. I'm curious to see what this prophecy is about... And I liked all your characterization! Especially Sirius and Abraham. Really, really good.

On to chapter two...

--DracoFerret11/DarkRose

Author's Response: What's up, DarkRose!

Thank you. But, I can't take all the credit. My friend did think of this first. I'm just tweaking a few things here and there.

I am happy you like the OCs so far. It's tough to make a realistic one, so thank you for that, dude.

-Reyes91


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Review #6, by Spicky Running

16th October 2009:
oh. worrying!!!
can you post another chapter soon??? thank you!
i really, really, really, really love this story!!! its so amazing!
:-)
xxx

Author's Response: I'll post another one once I get a few other stories out of the way. I'm glad you like it!

-Reyes91


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