I love reading about the sweet side of Sirius.Author's Response: thanks :D
means a lot Report Review
awww this chapter was so cuteee. i looved the sirius, grace iinteraction quick question: do friends touch each others faces??
can't wait fr the next chapter ::)
Veela_is_meAuthor's Response: you know, sometimes- from what i've experienced- lust and love takes over your body when you really can't explain why. i wanted to make it so they really sometimes can't control their feelings, yet they're too shy and self-concious to admit it.
thank you so much for your review- i love yours!
lotsss of love-
anniebellsss Report Review
You are welcome. And I am amazing aren't I? :P x MORE NOW PLEASE.Author's Response: hahaha well, MAYBE Report Review
It was good, especially the Alice bit.
But... according to my health teacher, you can't get breast cancer before the age of 30.
So we'll just act like it's different if you're a witch, yes? ;)
SummerAuthor's Response: oh yes, you can! in very rare cases you can get it at teen ages ect.
thank you very much for your review anyway :D Report Review
Aaah your welcome :D Great chapter ... I like how you really went into how she was feeling and you described it really well. Write mooore! Love ya xxAuthor's Response: thanks sweetheart :D Report Review
Thankyou for updating so quickly :) You Put a huge smile on my face when I saw that you had.
This is my first time reviewing this chapter, so I guess this is the time to tell you how amazing I think you're story is. The whole idea of it is real clever and I can't wait to read on.
You may just want to check a few of your grammar mistakes though to make it even more enjoyable to read.
Update as soon as please :):) x
10/10Author's Response: dawh' thank you so much! thats so lovely of you to say! thanks that made my day :')
you should review more then :D haha thanks so much for that!
i know my grammer is just... terrible.
thanks so much
x Report Review
Hey, i quite like this. Have you Read the book Before I die? Yes? No? Well if not, read it. It's like this, but obviously its not fantasy, it's just about a girl with leukhemia. Oh, you've been spelling disease wrong butohwell :)Author's Response: no, i haven't... i must do then! :D
thanks a lot for your review :D
yeaaah i know im getting tons to do with that- im terrible at spelling :D
x Report Review
hey i like the story but its disease not deceaseAuthor's Response: yeah! im really really really sorry about that... i asked someone to spell check it for me but they did it wrong! sorry. Report Review
Hello! I don't really have all that much time right now, but I really wanted to check out your writing since you so kindly checked out mine. I can tell, from this first chapter, that you have a lot of great ideas. From what I can tell, this is something of a bucket list style story, which I love. You don't see a lot of them on here, and usually I find them so sad and upsetting, and I could tell this one was going to be a little more upbeat.
Your opening paragraph is a great hook. From the first sentence, I was intrigued about this character - who is she? Why was she never one to fall in love with someone? It's always good to make your readers want more; it's what keeps them reading, as opposed to you revealing everything in the first paragraph of a story. I especially liked the imagery from the phrase "turn the grey into beautiful flowers". It reminded me both of the movie Pleasantville and the book The Giver, both worlds lacking color in the beginning and that's the image that line put in my head - color sweeping across a lonely girl's world. I loved this image.
Her friends' reaction to the breast cancer lump seems fairly realistic; cancer wasn't all that widely known back then as it is now, so it's logical that no one would really know what it was, and her friends would pass it off as a joke. I like how you can sort of tell the characterization of her friends in the first paragraph, how you managed to introduce us to them with only a few lines of dialogue.
I also especially liked the closing of your chapter; the whole analogy with Alice was so fitting. It took me a second to get it - I'm a bit dense and for a second I'm all "What? Is her name Alice?" - and then it clicked; her curiosity equated her to Alice from Alice in Wonderland, and I thought it was so clever. I especially liked your repetition of the phrase "Being an Alice..." - how she kept referring back to it in those last few sentences - because I felt like I really drove in the point about her being so curious. And at the end, I had to chuckle at the being Alice's biggest fan line. It was cute.
So I applaud you on all of these things and, that being said, I do have some criticism for you. I would recommend getting a beta reader; everyone makes mistakes, and it's hard to catch your own. My English teacher always said that when you read your own writing you know what's coming, so you read the words you expect to read and don't always see if there's misspelled or misplaced. In the first paragraph, for example, you referred to cancer, a disease, as a 'decease', something that I assume is a typo. And in the last paragraph, excited became exited a few times ;) . Additionally, some of your grammar was a bit off, and it confused me. The second paragraph in particular the sentences could have flowed a lot better.
The piece as a whole seemed to jump around a lot, both in structure and in ideas. The first paragraph could easily be split up into multiple chapters to make it easier for the readers' eyes; I know I automatically blanche at a large chunk of text, and it makes sense to group similar ideas together. But you go from talking about falling in love to what her friends said, to not getting treatment for her disease, ect. You could easily split this up. The same could be said about the last paragraph; it seems like you wanted to cram a bunch of ideas together and it confused me. Some information seemed a little unnecessary and out of place, like the mention of her preference for Beauxbatons over Hogwarts. And it would be nice to hear why she thought Hogwarts boring, and how she sought to achieve an exciting life if she wanted one so badly.
Another thing that might help you attract more readers is to capitalize your entire title, and to proofread your summary; there's a few typos in it, and it doesn't seem to flow all that smoothly. It should be properly capitalized (it's only a summary, but it gives readers' an impression of the effort you put into writing your story) and it kind of confused me how much it jumped around. It might sound better if you combined some sentences (i.e. I had a list of things I wanted to do before I died - I didn't think I would have to jam it all into a few weeks. I didn't think Sirius Black would be the one that would tick all of the things off my list either. But I had a lump that brought in my list, and that list brought in Sirius.)
I'm sorry if you're offended by this or found it overly critical or anything like that. I liked your writing and ideas and I really think you have a lot of potential; I wouldn't bother reviewing if I didn't. I hope I still made you happy with this review (at least as happy as you made me with yours). Good luck with this story, and I hope I helped at least a little!
Cherry BearAuthor's Response: k.
therealmagicpeach_ Report Review
Brilliant chapter! Loved it, can't wait for more!
XOXO WildFlower!Author's Response: thanks very much :)
i thought this chapter was really cute. my favourite part was when Grace and sirius both started talking at the same time and said the same thing "trapped". i can imagine that in a movie and it would be so cute, i reckon.
love this new chapter, can't wait to read the next.
Veela_is_meAuthor's Response: thank you very much- my friends liked that bit when they read that. stroke of genuis...ness :P
haha thanks a good compliment!
i'll upload asap then :D Report Review
Prety good babes! Its so sweet! Add more soon ;) Loove ya xAuthor's Response: thanks sweetheart. loves xxx Report Review
Very Good, Very Good. I will buy ;)
WRITE MORE DARHHL!x Report Review
ADD MORE MISSY! (Love you though ;) x) Report Review
This chapter is great and am extremely interested as to reading whats going to happen next :)
please continue :)
Veela_is_meAuthor's Response: thank you so very much :D Report Review
This chapter is better than the first. I loved how you portrayed all of your characters. I especially like how you portrayed Sirius. He is so rarely something other than a player and this shows that there is so much more to him. Again, I look forward to reading more! Beautifully written!
orangezauberAuthor's Response: thank you :D
yeah, i prefer a more gentle sirius :/
thank you very very much! Report Review
I am really hooked into the story already. Even though this chapter tells what exactly is going to happen later on I am left wanting to know how it all comes together. Beautiful writing style. Easy to read and very smoothly put together. I look forward to reading more.
orangezauberAuthor's Response: thank you so much Report Review
I love the way you write. Its like sad but moving in the same way. And your summary enticed me so much to this story. The way you wrote it, was so lovely and beautiful. I think I'm going to fall in love with this story.Author's Response: thanks! that makes me smile!
i love those stories that make you really happy!
I like where your going with this..it's something different.
And your writing is amazing!
I can't wait for the next update!!!Author's Response: thank you very much! Report Review
okay, i dont usually review stories unless i REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want the m to update!
i swear ive started crying!
this is amazing! sirius seemed a little ooc at first but i dont really care because this sirius is so much better and im dying to know whats caused this transformation. update now!!!...pleaseAuthor's Response: haha really? thank you very much.
i'm having personal problems at the moment and so wont update until next week... at least i think :) aww thanks for spilling your tears out for me thats very sweet. OOC? i don't really know what that means... thank you very very much.
i will update promise :) Report Review
Omg this is incredible, how can you say this was better then mine?!?
you better update soon or... i wont either ;)
xxAuthor's Response: oh thank you :)
haha your well sweet.
i was kinda going for the whole thing you are but your making it make sense more than i am!
haha i will update but i keep forgetting but then keep writing loads.
thank you very much my friend :)
xxx Report Review
I love noughts and crosses! In a really morbid way... I'm excited to see where this story goes. :)Author's Response: thank you very much for your review :)
yeah, i feel a tiny bit pressured, but, i will try and carry on trying to get reviews. reviews are good. i love them :D
ahhh my best friend megan LOVES them so much. she's always like: read them! your a romance fan you'll love it!
and when i found out they died, i got WELL upset. so you know; this story is for her. :D
thank you very much :D
xxx Report Review
Aww thats so sweet! I love you loads! :D xx WRITE MORE! xxAuthor's Response: a hey hey hey.
will do :D
love you + so glad your back! Report Review
Yay! You updated! I must say, very interesting! I like how you explained the pains she was feeling of being sick, I feel so sorry for her. I can't wait until she begins ticking things off her list, oh gosh, its sad thinking about it though! I can see this going a long way! Update soon!
XOXO WildFlower!Author's Response: a why thank you very much there :D
reviews e :) haha i love them so much :D
thanks; i hope interesting is good, as im very into interesting. Yeah- i think she will tick the first thing off her list next chapter... yeah well, i like lots of intense stuff. Its good. :D perhaps not mine, but hopefully people like it!
therealmagicpeach_ a.k.a annie x Report Review
I thought your prologue was really good:) It really hooks the readers attention and I can tell that this story is going all kinds of awesome places. I really thought the writing was very good and I'm looking forward to another chapter:) 10/10Author's Response: thank you very very very verry much :)
reviews make me very happy.
the next chapter is in validation, and so will be up... today or tomorrow maybe? I kinda feel a little under pressure if this story doesn't make everybody really happy like my reviews so far.
thank you for saying my writing is good; my teachers don't really think so!
thank you very much once again!
therealmagicpeach_ a.k.a annie xxx Report Review
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