Reading Reviews for War Torn
  
16 Reviews Found

Review #1, by LoopyLemon Prologue Geckos on a Hot Ceramic Roof

9th March 2011:
This is really really cool. I'm hooked. I love how it isn't set in England yet you worked England into it really well :)

Author's Response: I'm glad you like it!

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Review #2, by Reyes91 Prologue Geckos on a Hot Ceramic Roof

6th February 2011:
Hey, here for another review for you,

All right, so you don't seem to have much problems with characters. Kalama and her sister seem to react quite well for their ages, especially in the beginning when Kalama was getting yelled at. Her thoughts drifting away was kind of amusing; my son gets that blank stare on his face whenever he gets in trouble, and I know he isn't listening to a word I'm saying.

Now, Kalama's real father sounds quite interesting. For her mother to bring up the war in Britain when they're all the way in Hawaii means something. It leads me to believe Joseph was involved with the war (not saying he was bad or anything, just that maybe he was affected).

Pretty good story you got here. Not much to critique honestly.

-Reyes91

Author's Response: Hmm, well, Kalama's father, Joseph, doesn't get a lot of character development, seeing as he's dead. But I'm glad you like how it's going so far.

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Review #3, by LovelyMioneWeasley Chapter 6 As Long as You Love Me

12th January 2011:
So I decided to review this chapter too. Just for a little surprise.

I really enjoyed this chapter and the Wizarding law enforcement officer seemed very uncertain of how to handle little Kalama.

I really enjoyed the ending on this chapter as well; the Aloha was really great to read. I'm excited to see where the story goes from here because I honestly have no clue as to where you will take a plot turn next.

I'm wondering why Will and Ewa didn't have a greater reaction to the Kellers crashing into the fireplace and living room. I noticed that Ewa may had widened her eyes but I'm not sure why you didn't give a bigger reaction.

Overall, I'm loving your story. Hope it gets more attention soon! Ta-ta dear.

Lindsey 8/10

Author's Response: Hmmm, maybe I'll have to feature Kalama in a future story. I do tend to reuse OCs. With Ewa, Kalama most likely made very sure her family knew what to expect, probably so her stepdad didn't go straight for the gun.

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Review #4, by LovelyMioneWeasley Chapter 5 Closing Time

12th January 2011:
I loved the Pensive scenes. Very interesting and definitely necessary to the continuation of the plot. Hearing about how Nora's parents deny their son-in-law breaks my heart a bit. Then again, it is a very realisitc image. Humans in general tend to deny the unknown element because they lack understanding more than anything.

Kalama's sneaking around and general survival in the market place actually seems plausiable. For that, I give you major points; I hate when a story takes an unrealisitc turn.

Her sneaking into the antique shop and being fascinated by the swords seems very believable but curious. Why was Kalama drawn to the swords? What possesed her to touch them? You could pass with the excuxse of shiny and a childish inclination to touch. It would be more interesting to give more insight to her character.

This stranger coming seems very mysterious but I am at a loss to understand why Kalama is not putting up any sort of fight or even giving an uproar. I can understand that she was shaken but why wouldn't she at least try to protect herself?

8/10 Lindsey

Author's Response: This story was written for a challange, and one of the stipulations was that I had to have a sword featured somewhere. Kalama's reaction was basically just the five-year-old in her going "Oohh, shiny!"

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Review #5, by LovelyMioneWeasley Chapter 4 So Why Are You Running Away?

12th January 2011:
Oh man! What a rise of action; the agrument was perfectly well executed. Kalawa's tension finally cracked and being just on the verge of puberty made it perfectly believable.

Ewa and Wills' sandcastle was amusing to hear about; I'm still curious to what exactly they were building. And hearing about the scavengering on the beach was very realistic. I do always enjoy people watching in such scearnios.

Reading Kalama's thoughts about magic was really interesting and envisioning how she wanted to meet other witches and wizards on the islands. My curiousity is wondering where exactly Kalama will go.

I know it wasn't a planned idea on her part but Kalama's sponaneity could prove to be very determintal. I am also wondering how Ewa could break her own glass bottle.

That part seemed a little unrealistic to me unless Ewa, herself, was magical. It's extremely hard for a full grown adult to break a glass bottle much less a young child. I do realize that this is a nitpicky detail but a necessary one to discuss.

The pacing in this chapter was excellent beyond belief and I can't wait to read the unfolding of the next few chapters.

Lindsey 8/10

Author's Response: Maybe I didn't explain it very well. It was Kalama who broke her sister's bottle, being in a fit of uncontrolled magic. If it was really uncontrolled, Kalama wouldn't have necessarily broken her own juice bottle.

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Review #6, by LovelyMioneWeasley Chapter 3 Candles on the Water

12th January 2011:
What a heartbreaking scene. A small girl slutching to a porch swing while her enviroment breaks around her as well her life. What hard, hard decisions.

Now, I must question where you got the definitions of mana and the general descriptions. If you wrote those yourself, I am BEYOND impressed. They were very formal read brilliantly like a textbook.

Ewa's character was very believable and Kalama did an excellent job playing the older sister. She protected her sister well and acted just like a substitute mother. Their relationship is believable; the only element I wished I could have seen more of was Ewa pushing for answer from Kalama more. I understand that Ewa did not want to reveal the private conversations between herself and her father, but it seems to me that a young child would push for more of an answer. Then again, the storm is probably cause for a distraction.

I loved the flasback with her mother and the explanation between her mother and her father; how her father explained to cling to community. It was actually a beautiful verison and beautiful idea that community is similar to love. I loved it very much.

I really enjoyed this chapter; I just can't put my finger on what I felt was lacking with the Ewa conversation though.

8/10
Lindsey

Author's Response: To answer your question, yes, I did come up with that passage on my own. I have several 'story within a story' textbooks, but they were previously rejected ebcause they weren't 'really' a story. Maybe now I can plead my case, though; the plot is that this textbook is a book within my stories. Rather Zen when you think about it.

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Review #7, by LovelyMioneWeasley Chapter 2 The Proposal

11th January 2011:
What a heartbreaking charge- choosing between a younger sister and the love of education.

The entire scene with the hula dancing, the heavy tension of the "light and airy" studio, and the suffocating room full of girls. You did an excellent job creating such an intense scene. I could really understand; it reminded me of the scene with the Arab on the beach in Albert Camus' "The Stranger."

If you haven't read it, then I reccomend a read. Its a short book but chock full of some very interesting metaphors and imagery. Very heavy on the way the enviroment affects someone.

I really enjoy all the subtle and not so subtle pieces of Hawaiian culture added into the story. Sometimes, the scenery can take away from a story, be indifferent to affecting the story, but in this case, I am only positive that it enhances it.

The best encouragement I can add for this chapter is perhaps adding an element of more pacing; it is realistic but like I discussed before, it may turn off some readers. Some readers do not have the patience for a good story to develop; adding details and some foreshadowing may be another technique you could employ to bring in more readers.

My final piece of advice is to advertise: get more reviewers to pop over and read, visit others' pages and read and review their stories asking for a review and quick look at yours. Unfortunately, sometimes with this site, you have to scream for a little attention even if its a beautiful story. I hope these reviews have helped. Best of luck.

8/10
LMW

Author's Response: I have heard of Calmus' "The Stranger", but now I'll definitely have to read it. And I have only just discovered that you COULD request reviews, and believe me, I am definitely taking advantage.

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Review #8, by LovelyMioneWeasley Chapter 1 Summer in the City

11th January 2011:
What a slight cliffhanger to end. I enjoyed using those myself with longer stories. Anyway, I liked the progression of the story.

Kalama and Rachel were both very believable characters. You are developing Kalama well; she has a more childish quality to her this chapter. The weight of her mother doesn't seem to loom on her as much; it seems that she is more involved with her schooling but being home seems to shift her gaze.

I mention all that to say that you did an excellent job with the shift of her environment. And Ewa's jealousy is very palable and believable. Will, her stepfather, also has a believable role and action as a parent.

The pacing of your story is going well, but I enjoy the semi-lesuirely pace and simple unfolding you have going with the plot. I believe that you reveal enough but not too much, just enough to keep the reader interested. The best advice in that area I can give is that maybe some readers would find the pacing a little slower than they prefer.

I deduced Kalama's age; I assume she was ten in the last chapter. And I believe I remember reading something about that. Sorry for all the confusion. You made it clear!

8/10
LMW

Author's Response: I'm glad you're enjoying the story, and I do think Kalama does use her school to kind of help her forget about her home life, which is why later developments become such a huge issue.

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Review #9, by LovelyMioneWeasley Prologue Geckos on a Hot Ceramic Roof

11th January 2011:
Hello, its LovelyMioneWeasley from the forums, here to review your story:

First off, I must say that I'm entirely too jealous of the location of this story. Hawaii was seriously one of the three most beautiful places I've ever been to- tied with Italian countryside and Jamaican countryside. So I had no problem imaging the geckos, the hot sun, or the tile of the house.

I really, really enjoy Kalama. She is a very believable girl; a definite older child taking on the responsibilites left to her by her sick mother. Her father's stress is undeniably believable and slightly heartbreaking. My heart really feels for the family.

There is something so . . . mildly disturbing in my mind as I read Kalama refer to her father, 'Joseph.' I understand they never really knew it each other but it just adds a depth of old soul and almost adult nature to such a young Kalama. If I may ask, how old is she supposed to be at this age? 11? 12?

Finally, the best reccomendation I could give is a one more once over. I think I may have seen a coma or two out of place but overall, I really, really liked the chapter. I am shocked to not find more reviews but I imagine its because of the originality of the plot. Sometimes, when we take the liberaties that fanfic offers and transfer the magical world free of major pairing and/or Hogwarts characters, it becomes quite difficult to find readers.

LMW
8/10

Author's Response: I'm glad the scenery is painting such a beautiful story. Kalama is actually nine years old in this story. This was one of my older stories, and I do suppose it could use another spot check.

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Review #10, by WeasleyTwinMom_staff Chapter 6 As Long as You Love Me

28th February 2010:
Wonderful resolution. Kalama really grew up in this chapter. And I adored the last line. Perfect!

Author's Response: Well, I'm glad you liked the story, and I hope you will keep an eye open for more.

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Review #11, by WeasleyTwinMom_staff Chapter 5 Closing Time

28th February 2010:
Oh, so sad. :( Kalama's parents were so tragic. This poor girl. I really love the characters you've developed here. In so short a time we have such a feel for them, a picture of their lives and who they were. Ach, now I'm sad. I hope Kalama works it out with her stepdad and sister. She needs a family.

Author's Response: Well, I wanted to write a dramatic story! It seems I succeeded!

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Review #12, by WeasleyTwinMom_staff Chapter 4 So Why Are You Running Away?

28th February 2010:
Oh dear. Will is mishandling her, but I guess he thinks he's doing what's best. Kalama seemed younger than ever in this chapter. She's reacting very childishly. Sigh. What a mess. Great writing.

Author's Response: We all have our childish moments. And I suppose Kalama is a little immature by nature.

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Review #13, by WeasleyTwinMom_staff Chapter 3 Candles on the Water

28th February 2010:
Poor thing. Kalama's having a hard time. I think she ought to go to school. How old is she? She seems very young.

Author's Response: Yes, poor Kalama. This is more than any twelve-year-old should have to handle.

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Review #14, by WeasleyTwinMom_staff Chapter 2 The Proposal

28th February 2010:
Hmm. Her dad seems to be overreacting. The war is in England, half a world away from Hawai'i. Where exactly is their school? If it's only a three-hour ferry ride, it must be still in the islands, so I can't see how there'd be any need to panic about Voldy. Well, I'm sure he's just scared.

Oh the hula scene made me so happy. I have a couple of pa'u hanging in my closet right now, it made me want to go throw one on and play some Keali'i Ho'omalu at top volume! Lovely bit of home to me, gave me a bit of aloha kaumaha i ka home.

Author's Response: Yes, Kailani is in the islands. There are so many more than just the main ones (thousands, I hear), so I thought a school having it's own island would work well.

And Will is over-reacting, and Kalama knows it. But he's scared for his daughter who lives in a world he doesn't fully understand, so of course he's going to panic.

I love the hula too! Me and my school choir (from the concert tour) are actually in a documentory somewhere in Tahiti dancing the hula at BYU-Hawaii.


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Review #15, by WeasleyTwinMom_staff Chapter 1 Summer in the City

28th February 2010:
How old is Ewa? Is she a witch too? I feel bad for their dad, he seems kind of lost about parenting his two girls. I was kind of hoping for more island flair, but it's a good story. Have you been to O'ahu before?

Author's Response: Ewa is eight years old at the time Kalama returns, but she is not a witch. Kalama's mother is a Muggle, but her real father was a wizard. Ewa's parents were both Muggles, so she is all Muggle, as well.

I'm sorry the story isn't...Hawaiian enough for you, but I suppose if I put too much...Hawaiian in it, it would just sound like a bad Potterized-version of Lilo and Stitch.

And yes, I have been to O'ahu, once for a concert tour, and I frequented many of the places in my story.


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Review #16, by WeasleyTwinMom_staff Prologue Geckos on a Hot Ceramic Roof

28th February 2010:
I couldn't resist reading this, since you've gone and set it in my home island! I was born in Honolulu, we lived in Kailua when I was a kid. There aren't nearly enough non-Hogwarts school stories on the archive, I've been skimming your posted stories list and have been so pleased to see the variety of your writing. This is off to a good start. :)

Author's Response: Yes, I do a lot of thinking about other wizarding schools in the world, so I write stories about them. I hope I can write more.

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