I think I can see what you mean by your writing having a lot of description in it - though I think you worded it differently. And what big words! They seemed to fit, though, and you know how to tie them all together very well, but I don't think I've ever seen a story quite like this one - wordwise, that is. Of course there are stories about boys being obsessed with girls, but none of them are worded like this. Which is good, since that means it's not the same as others.
I think you captured the moment very well. Albus sounds unhealhily obsessed indeed. But I can imagine that it must be odd to find someone who's just like you (or an exaggeration, almost a parody, a caricature of you), both on the inside and the outside. The contrast between Albus and Scorpius seems huge. One would wonder how those two ever became friends - or was Albus pragmatic and rational as well before he met Danielle?
The fact that Albus sometimes thinks she's only an illusion, though a bit funny, is a little sad as well. It's almost like saying a word so many times that it sounds almost too odd to really be an actual word.
Who is Peter indeed. Strange. Danielle sounds like quite a mystery. Albus just sounds hopeful, and hopeless at the same time. A little dramatic, maybe.
I'm just wondering, did you plan on writing this story like this, with such big words, or did Albus' character kind of force them upon you? Did you make him talk like this or did he make you write like this? Sorry for the odd question :P Either way, I can imagine that it must've been very strange writing this, but you did a great job!

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing this chapter, as well as ALL my other one-shots as well, lol. I was quit surprised, pleasantly so, to see them. :)

I'll admit I've got a bit of a love-hate relationship with this story - or rather, this belles-lettres. I abolutely loathe it because I know it's bad writing which draws attention towards itself so unabashedly that I personally feel abashed about it, lol. There are a couple of lines which I like purely for the sesquipedalian frippery. It's not good writing, and doesn't carry any heft of actual thought or insight, but yeah, I like pretty words, so I thought why not indulge in a guilty pleasure, lol.

It's amazing how you teased some meaning out of this, seeing as there's so much that's untold. As to how Albus and Scorpius became friends... well, this is actually an outtake to my novel length fic Enticement, and in that story, I've portrayed ALBUS as the one who is slightly dominant and intimidating as opposed to Scorpius. Becuase I've seen so many fics where Scorpius wears the trousers in their friendship, so I thought it's be interesting to subvert this. Anyway, Scorpius and Albus haven't been friends for very long - as against fics in which they're mats from the year dot - and besides, most of what happens in this story happens in Albus's mind. He doesn't speak about these rather absurd thoughts of his to anyone else - definitely not to Scorpius. Scorpius only believes that Al and Danielle are in love, and with good reason too, because to some extent she does inadvertently lead Al on. She's, as it's been mentioned, searching for another man in Albus, which both he and Scorpius mistake as her attraction towards Albus when it's, in fact, her attraction towards, well, someone else.

Funny you should ask how the story was worded thus... It's DEFINITELTY not Albus's voice which I channeled. Nobody - and certainly I don't - speak like this in real life (I'll be laughed at or considered an anachronism from a previous century). It's not even my auctorial voice. When I come to think of it, I really don't know why this was worded the way it's worded. I really don't. :(

Anyway, thanks so much for this reviews and all others as well. It might take me a while to get round to responding to all of them, but I read all of them and will definitely respond to them, only not right now. :)

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I had to read that twice. Not because I didn't understand it. Far from it. But because I felt the need to truly soak that in.

Wow.

Although, the word 'wow' doesn't truly seem to encompass what I feel about this. I don't know if you truly understand how good a writer you are. You couldn't. If you did, you would not be able to write so well. Allow me to try and explain.

I am not sugar-coating this. This is the absolute truth. I am being 100% honest in everything I say here. When I was in school, all the assigned books were a chore for me to read. I have never quite enjoyed being told which books to read. Nevertheless, I would sit down and read them. Then I would read them again and highlight key sentences, quotes - you know the drill. Now that school is over, I have never realised it, but whenever I read anything, I subconsciously want to highlight things. I put it down to a habit. Which seemed reasonable. But it was reading this that made me truly understand why I want to highlight some sentences in what I read. It isn't because of a habit. Far from it.

It's because they touch me. They use English in a beautiful way. They speak out to me. They're just lovely.

I don't know how many sentences I wanted to highlight while reading this. There were many. Let us leave it at that.

You have a way with words. And the sad thing is that you will never truly understand how good you are at writing. Surely, surel you must realise that this is above par than the majority of what is written here. I am not undermining other writers. I am just saying that you are that phenomenally good.

Your vocabulary. Your phrasing. Your sentence structure. Your paragraph styles. Your metaphors. Your connotations. Your use of repetition. Hell, I almost feel like I want to pick this apart and analyse it. It's just... there aren't words in the English language to fully say what I am trying to say. I'm trying. But I don't really think it's working.

This story does not even have that much of a plot. It is one moment. Albus is looking at Danielle. That one sentence could summarise the entire thing. But you manage to make it into something extremely special. I don't know how you did it. I really don't. But I really, truly wish I could write even half as well you can.

Whenever I read books or stories where the author is as good as you are, all I do is read them over and over again. I truly think I can learn from this. Just be looking at the way you structure things. It's just... again, words are failing me.

Ordinarily, I love simple sentences. Blunt, to the point. Poignant. This is far from that. It's complex. And in any other case, I cannot read that type of writing. I now know why. No one really knows how to do it. At least, not in fanfiction. You are the exception.

You mentioned that you were concerned about the vagueness of this, whether or not it made sense. It made perfect sense to me. Every last sentence. It was not vague. Far from it. You managed to encapsulate a single moment in someone’s life and make an entire one-shot out of it. I am still scratching my head, trying to figure out just how you did it. In fact, I started a challenge on the forums on this very thing – write a one-shot about a single moment in time. If this had been entered, it would have been the clear winner. The description. The way you write. The way you manage to describe every last detail of something and yet still manage to keep the reader interested – amazing. Truly, truly amazing.

Please don't ever stop writing. And I honestly would not be surprised if you get published. Embrace your talent. You truly have talent. I do not mean to sound arrogant, but I know good writing when I see it. I do. And this is an example of it. I do not know if you write for joy or leisure. I do not know if you write simply to fill time when you are bored. I do not know whether you ever truly intend on pursuing writing further. But I do hope that you do. It would be lovely for the world to be treated to such talent like this. It really would.

That is all I have to say. I could rave on forever. But I cannot. And I feel if I do that somehow the power of this story will be lost.

Joop :]

Author's Response: Oh my goodness! Joop, to be very honest, this story isn't deserving of this review. I'm not affecting modesty here at all; it is an incredibly flawed piece - lack of a concrete plot for one thing - wanting in depth and refinement of language. It was written ages ago - almost a year ago and at that point of time it was deemed not good enough to be posted, and oddly I only posted this because I wanted the banner.

"You have a way with words."

Some would call that flowery language or being grandiloquent when not necessary, lol. I've also had my writing deemed 'unreadable and laborious', and to sme extent I know where the person was coming from.

This is not to say that I'm an ingrate, and am dismissive of your words. I'm incredibly grateful to you, and was overwhelmed and astounded to read this. I possibly can't thank you enough for this.

Coming to the bit about the plot again... It's true this doesn't have a plot. This is to tie in with my novel length fic Enticement where Albus/Danielle is a ship that'll come into play in the second half of the story. It's not the mainstay of the story, and they certainly don't end up together - mostly because the love is unrequited (there is a line about her not seeing him as anything more than a friend), also because it's slightly unhealthy and obsesive. The lines about Al's and Danielle's selfhoods attenuating to a single point suggests this; it's Albus's first love, and I think he's not so much in grasp of the reality than he's in grasp of his delusions. He doesn't really know Danielle enough; what he sees and admires is only the surface - her intelligence, her perseverence, and the most superficial of all namely her looks. Even if he sees her flaws - obstinacy, her tiresomeness, and general oddity - he chooses to overlook them. He's preoccupied with a delusion - the delusion into which he's moulded her into, rather than the real her. Theirs is a complicated and complex frienship, and I hope there's enough depth to see it through.

Yes, I do write for fun mostly, and no, I don't think I'll ever be good enough to be published. I mean, if I'm going to be published, I'll have to be really bloody good, which I don't think I can ever be. There are innumerable two-bit writers who get published but are forgotten in no time, and I don't want to be one of those. Besides, I don't think I have the drive and the perseverence or the patience or furthermore the talent to devote myself consummately to writing.

Once again, thanks a million for this utterly gratifying review. Thanks so so much. :)

- Renee



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Ohhh my gosh.

There are no words for this fabulous piece. It's beautiful. Your language and vocabulary make this story feel like a song or poem. You are able to draw sooo many emotions into the thoughts

I'm so glad you posted this. This is a brilliant piece to allow your talent to shine. Everything was captured splendidly. Peters character had such an interesting take in this and so did albus's relationship with Danielle.

Oh my gosh, amazing. This is such a perfect romance. It's all about thought and what really lies in a relationship.

Excellent!

10/10

Author's Response: Like a song or a poem? Funny you should say that given my general dislike for poetry - does my head in, poetry does. However, I'm incredibly pleased that you enjoyed reading it.

Hell yeah, Peter's character just makes things between Danielle and Albus entirely... messy. He's insanely in love with her, and she with Peter, and Peter's actual identity only renders this eternal triangle all the more... complicated. The dramatic irony, however, can be enjoyed only by me as the reader is entirely oblivious as Albus is.

THanks again for this awesome review.

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Um... wow? Does that sum it up enough? I hope it does, because that's about all I can say right now.

Firstly, the story wasn't too vague, not at all. What you said in your author's note was perfectly true; it all happened in a moment. The unknown 'Peter' who was buried somewhere in Danielle's memories and poked and prodded at Albus from where ever he was hidden was only the beginning. The fact that Albus was so true to his love, so aware of it, so ready to wait for Danielle to love him back... it was an amazing story.

Your writing is stunning. The use of vocabulary, how you interrupted his thoughts every now and then with 'her eyes!'... it completely and totally captured me. Your description is beyond praise. I was just floored by the beauty and complexity of your writing. It wove a story into a few stolen glances. It was incredible. I probably missed half the meaning of the story, but I was amazed anyway. I have nothing to suggest. 10/10

~lllb

Author's Response: Wow. Thanks, thanks SO MUCH for such an amazing review. This story is kinda really close to my heart, because it's a spin-off of my novel length fic, and I've got so attached to the characters of my novel-length fic that I was dreading how this'd be recieved. I don't think I've ever felt as unsure while requesting a review as I felt while requesting for this. SO I can't possibly tell you how much this means to me.

I'm glad you didn't find the story vague, because as the writer I have like about 38 chapters worth backstory about both Albus and Danielle, most of which wasn't written in this fic. So to directly plunge into this depriving a reader of all the details and yet be told it was enjoyed is gratifying and incredible.

Haha1 Peter is no much 'unknown' as you might think. It's just a codename Danielle uses to refer to someone very, very, very close to Albus, which I think heightens the complexity and messiness of the love triangle.

Thanks again for this absolutely marvellous review.

- Renee



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