Love your story ;) Can't wait for more!! Report Review
Wow. This was a very strong start to this story. I liked the vivid description and emotion that you brought to life here; the topic was very easy to relate to. I can see where Fleur (I'm assuming that she's the speaker here) is coming from; this was a very interesting view into the mind of a veela. To be honest, I have never read a veela-centric story, and I'm excited to read more from this one.
Also, I liked that you used Fleur to convey this view, this pain, because it also shows how her love for Bill sort of overshadowed that subconscious disgust. She did marry him, even after he was attacked by Fenrir, didn't she? :)
Well, I'll be reading more as soon as I can.
NadhiraAuthor's Response: Thanks for all the compliments! I've never really read a Veela-centric story before, either, which had me a bit nervous going into this one.
Yes, a very prominent part of this fic is how Fleur has managed to look past the Veela gene in favor of her love for Bill. Glad you spotted it right away! Report Review
This was short- but you managed to get a lot packed in there. The emotion was raw, and getting a glimpse into something that I've never even thought of before was great. I think that you've got a great idea, it's really original, and the writing was flawless! For an opening chapter I think that it hit everything that it needed to, it really drew me in!Author's Response: Thank you! I was aiming for emotion, trying to get the reader to sympathize with a character that I personally think could be expanded upon. Glad it pulled you in! Report Review
Ugh, Beauxbatons sounds like Umbridge in their Dark Magic approach...but I can easily believe it. It was so...creepy when Fleur let loose on that Death Eater, but that part especially was written so well. She really did seem like a monster, being so ruthless to him like that, even if he was a Death Eater. Then her remorse after was so sad, but it was perfect for her character.
It's also so sad to think that Remus died because he was helping someone else out like that, but it's likely how he went. And then Tonks following...I really liked Fleur's "That shouldn't matter compared to the fact that she's dead, but it does, because she should have at least been able to keep that much," line, it was heartbreaking but I loved how Fleur accepted Tonks and her outlandish appearance at least once.
This is a great story! I'm really enjoying it so far, everything great. I'll be keeping an eye out for updates! :]Author's Response: I didn't think about that! Haha, it's not QUITE to the point that Umbridge took it, but I don't think they'd have thought it "proper" to teach young students things like Unforgivables. The scene where Fleur attacks the Death Eater was influenced by the scene in GoF when the Veelas at the World Cup throw their little temper tantrum; I'm glad you liked it!
Remus and Tonks... their deaths always make me sad when I think about it, yet it's hard to fully accept it since we didn't see it happen. I just had to write it in, for closure, I guess.
I'm working on chapter seven now (although it's being a pain :P). Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews!
Sami Report Review
Firstly, I loved the lyrics from The Phantom of the Opera in the beginning. I absolutely love the show and that particular song, and it fit perfectly with the opening mood of this chapter.
I loved the lines: "It hides that which should shine. Maybe, in moments of extreme Veelality (not vanity, never vanity) I was more upset that others could not see me than that I could not see anything else". They just fit so perfectly, and it's the essence of Fleur's character, they were definitely my favorite of the chapter.
I really liked Kingsley's speech in the end of the chapter, as well. While I'm not sure if they'd all be in one place together before going out as soon as they could, I really do like the idea and it was a very "Aww"-togetherness moment. :)
I'm off to the next chapter! :DAuthor's Response: Ooh, Phantom of the Opera is one of my favorite musicals/movies of all time! Those lyrics came to mind while I was trying to think of something fitting, I'm glad you liked it!
I'm not sure how quick they all left once they got through to the Room of Requirement -- the actual fight took a little while to get started because all the Death Eaters had to arrive (unless I'm making this up, which could be xD). In any case, it was a fun moment to write, and I'm glad you liked it :).
Thank you! Report Review
Haha, I absolutely loved Molly in this chapter! I suspect that's very much how she would have reacted in canon--mollycoddling every "child" there. Even though the only person underage is Ginny, of course she still would have tried to stop Fred and George from fighting. I also like how you had all the Order members hold a little meeting before going into the castle. While, if I remember correctly, I don't think that Remus knew Tonks had went into battle before it was too late, if he knew it at all, it still worked and I liked the idea.
And I loved Fleur's "I don't approve of that girl. The way she always changes her appearance makes my head spin, even though it's easy enough to pick out the distinguishing features of her face," line. It's perfect for her character, and the way she's trying to hold it all in--with everyone--throughout the chapter is just great.
This was another great chapter, good job! :-)Author's Response: Haha, I love Molly! Maybe it's mostly because I love her method of parenting. Hmm.
I haven't read DH in so long, I don't even remember if Remus knew Tonks was there! All I can remember about her before she died was how she heard how someone had seen Remus dueling someone (or something...), and she left to find him. I don't remember anything before that, so you might be right.
Your reviews are all very kind and helpful! It's good to have these things pointed out to me, as I'd like for this story to remain canon.
Thank you! Report Review
This was another great chapter!
I loved Dean's "I'd rather die than live in a world ruled by You-Know-Who" line. It's a great glimpse into his character that we hardly ever get to see, and it was absolutely fitting. The abruptness of his and Luna's departure was great as well--they basically up-and-left, which I think is what they would have done in that situation.
And I love how Fleur was the one to initiate hers and Bill's going to Hogwarts. From all you've written of her, it fits perfectly with her character and the dialogue between her and Bill was great, too. (But I just noticed one little thing: I don't think that any of them would have been able to Disapparate that close to the house, as it's unlikely that Disapparation would be allowed there, for safety reasons. I think it would have been better to have them go to the perimiter of the property and then leave, but of course it's just my opinion.)
Again, great chapter! I really like this story so far. :)Author's Response: I've been doing some minor-character exploration in this fic, which is actually my favorite part of writing it. I have a soft spot for Dean, and I think just about everyone has a soft spot for Luna!
You make an excellent point about Apparating! I wasn't thinking about it at the time, but you're right. Once I finish the fic, that's something I'll have to go back and fix. Thank you very much! :) Report Review
I really like your characterization of Fleur--I've only read a couple of oneshots about her in fanfic, so this is my first chaptered story about her, but she's consistent from the first chapter to this, which is always good. I only have one little comment to make--it's a bit distracting for me to read Fleur without an accent, which I know sounds odd, because usually it's distracting with an accent. It doesn't sound right in my head, though--I think that even cutting off the "h"s and maybe writing her "a"s more "ah"s would make it more authentic. I do get that accents are difficult to write, however, so I understand where you're coming from if you've purposely avoiding it.
I like the place in time that you picked to write this--right before the battle, and during it, Fleur is going to have to make a lot of self-adjustments, especially your Fleur, with her monsterish obsession of beauty and all. I really like how she's struggling to love Bill, and how she really does, she's just fighting the monster. Like I said in my last review, it's a really original take and I love it. :)Author's Response: I haven't actually read too much Fleur fanfic myself, so I don't know much about how she is in other stories. =P There IS a reason I left out the accent, and it's not because I think it's too difficult. As it's first person from her perspective, she wouldn't hear an accent for herself, and I'm trying to write it how she would see it. I know it might be irritating (I get a bit distracted by it too, to be honest), but I don't think it would fit with first person. I do, however, try to use contractions in her speech to show that she's not AS comfortable with English.
Thank you for reviewing! :D Report Review
Wow, I think that this is a great idea. Veelas can be very ugly (not in a literal sense) creatures, as seen by their display at the Quidditch Cup, and it only makes sense that they had some sort of permanant thing against humans. And I can definitely see Fleur trying her very best to rebel against it--I thought that the parts describing how she resisted it and how her mother and grandmother had an even worse time of it (which only makes sense, as they were more veela than she was) were great, especially. I think that this little "issue" would make her words to Molly in HBP about Bill even more genuine...because that's exactly what she would be thinking, that he's not beautiful enough, but she wouldn't truly feel that way.
I think this is a great idea! I'm curious as to where it will go--I'm definitely going to keep reading. ;)Author's Response: The Quidditch scene was heavily in mind when I was trying to find supporting details to make this more plausible. The scene in HBP also features in the story =P
Thanks for the review! Report Review
ok ive been reading for a while now and i must say I LOVE THIS STORY! it is so bittersweet and i love how fleur has just seen past all bills scars and freckles,and known that if she dies that thoses will be the last thing she sees. im a sucker for a good romance. lol :)
keep on writing!Author's Response: Wow! A long-term reader? I'm glad you've stuck around for a while, then :) Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
Sami! Great chapter, I thought you did well with showing the dueling that went on during the battle. You've done a great job with sticking with how it went down in canon to Fleur's experience of what happened to her during the battle of Hogwarts, not to mention he she felt. Also, I actually teared up when I read over the scene in which Dolohov kills Remus and then Tonks, mainly Remus though. In fact, I'm getting teary eyed again just thinking about it. Yeah, you can tell I'm a baby :P Over all, though, great chapter as it was well paced and it didn't seem like it was crammed in at all as the flow was smooth and very well written all together. And I thought you ended the chapter with the most perfect line to follow in the next chapter. Keep up the excellent writing! 10/10Author's Response: Leslie, I pretty much don't even know how to thank you at this point. There's a reason I've been responding in foreign languages, you know :P. And I don't know that anyone's ever told me I made them tear up before. :o
Thanks so much again for reviewing! Report Review
Hello, Sami. Looks like you're my first review volunteer/victim.
I've read through the first four chapters of the story and jotted down some notes as I went. I'll share those first and then post some overall thoughts at the end. Just a forewarning - like I said in the review thread, this is mostly about critique, so please don't think I'm picking on you. I actually remember liking the last chapter you posted when I read it in the queue.
Chapter One: I really liked the setup/idea of a Veela as actually disgusted by the lack of beauty in the world. I think it's easy to forget Veelas aren't just beautiful people but actual magical creatures. However, I didn't love that the story starts off with a strong dose of self-pity. I think that's a weaker starting point/character introduction. Chances are, throughout the story you will show the reader how much of a burden it can be. It makes me think back to the opening of HPatPS. Clearly Harry has a rough life but he never has to come out and tell that to the reader. We see it in the place he sleeps, the way his aunt and uncle talk to him, ect. As a reader I like Harry more for not complaining about it.
Chapter Two: I liked the dialogue here and the picture of Luna through Fleur's eyes. The problem for me was the flow. I'm not sold on how chapter one set me up for this scene or the exact point/necessity of the flashback at the beginning. Be aware of making links from one point to the next. For example, if Fleur was looking at Bill in the flashback, perhaps we could find her looking at him in bed/a picture of their wedding/see him through the window, walking up the gravel path, ect when you move your reader back into present time.
Chapter Three: The strongest chapter yet. Your writing really shown in the wireless reporting. I'm not really sure yet if I'm seeing the Fleur from the books or not though. I understand her flood and range of emotions here but miss the spunk we see in her, particularly in book six. And I'm still waiting for the tie-in back to the opening thoughts. It feels like you brought up some very interesting ideas there that don't feel woven in or developed further yet.
Chapter Four: There are a lot of characters in this chapter and you handled them well. My only suggestion would be to tighten up the dialogue a bit. It's a little formal for natural speech patterns and a little similar from character to character - but overall good chapter.
Overall: You mentioned three primary areas of concern in your request: angst, flow and characterization. I think I hit on them already but I'll cover them here specifically for the overall piece. I'm honestly not getting an "angsty" vibe from this story at all. I already mentioned my feelings on chapter one being a bit forlorn, but that didn't equate to angst for me. For characterization, I don't yet totally see the Fleur I'm used to, but we also don't see a great deal of her in the books and there is plenty of room for you to play with and make her your own. I'd like to see her tougher side shine through but you've definitely made it clear that she's going through trying times and is appropriately affected by them. Of the three, I'd say focus most on flow. Within the chapters themselves the flow works well. There are a couple of paragraphs with slightly elongated sentences (a few too many commas and semicolons), but overall it's easy to read. I'd look more at the "big picture" flow, if that makes any sense. What's the most important theme in this story and how does each seen you choose to show help the reader follow along that path? Is the point about how difficult it is to be a Veela? Is it just what happened when we weren't following the trio? Is it about her love for Bill changes her? Personally I REALLY liked the concept in chapter one about Veelas seeing the world as harsh and ugly. Perhaps the story is about how the love and sacrifice Fleur sees at the final battle helps her find beauty in the human spirit.
Phew, okay. I tried to run through a lot without writing a novel of my own down here. I do hope I was able to offer up something helpful in all this rambling. I appreciate you letting me try out my new reviewing technique on your story. It's a very enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing and good luck with it as you continue writing!Author's Response: Wow! I wasn't sure what to expect, but I'd say this is an infinitely helpful review, and your advice really made me think, so I want to start out by thanking you for your honesty. Now, to try and come up with an adequate reply...
I can't blame you at all for disliking the way it started out, and I agree; it just goes to show that one thing I need to work on is the Show, Don't Tell rule. I guess I just used it as an excuse to get inside her head before the story started.
Dialogue is not my strongest area, and I know this. Although, I know Fleur might sound even more formal than the rest because while I didn't write an accent because it's in her PoV, I did do away with using any contractions to show that her English isn't perfect. The other characters, though, it's purely because I still need to work on getting the realism into the dialogue.
I'm hoping I'll be able to work Fleur around into a somewhat familiar character. I've got four chapters left to do, and I plan on hopefully tying the story together by then. My problem is mainly that I didn't have much of an actual plot idea when I started, so as a result there's very little plot involved. In the end, it's more of a character portrait than anything, and I think the overall message once it's over is that there's always hope, or some other similarly cheesy line.
...My reply kind of jumped around, but hopefully it was readable! Thank you so much for all the helpful critique, and I'll do my best to remember it when I write the last few chapters! Report Review
This is really good!!! Please write more!Author's Response: Thank you! I'm working on it, don't worry! Report Review
SAMI! I absolutely loved how you've set things rolling in action in this chapter. It made it seem more organised and real, instead of just blindly rushing into action which is not how it seemed at all in DH when they were all preparing for battle. It may have been spur of the moment, but it was anything but unplanned as the Order has been preparing for this moment during the past couple years as everything spiraled steadily downward. And furthermore, I like that you are taking time to get to the fighting by putting in all the steps of what happened before the battle began. It was well written and I'm looking forward to reading what else you write for this story; feel free to come back after you've posted the next couple of chapters and I'll gladly review them for you! 10/10Author's Response: LESLIE, I love you so much. :D In my original outline, none of this calm pre-battle stuff was really going to appear. But I should have known that would never be the case, because I don't ever use outlines. The story just took control of itself, and all of a suddenly there was an actual lead-up and steps and Order planning.
In other words, this is going to be a few chapters longer than I intended. :P
Muchas gracias, a billion times over! -hug- Report Review
Hey Sami, back to review as requested. This story is coming along quite nicely and you're doing a lovely job sticking with canon as it seems to be running parallel right along with the events leading up to the final battle in DH. It's nice reading from a minor character's perspective as to how they got to Hogwarts and their experiences in the whole big dueling battle between Good vs. Evil.
Characterisation: Again, I applaud you on your ability to write Fleur and make her seem as real as if she were to came out of this computer screen and tell us her story herself. As for the other characters in this chapter, like Ginny I thought you really captured her stubbornness and tough exterior that she keeps on the service. She is definitely more like Fred and George when it comes to following rules, meaning she prefers to break them more often than following them. And I like how Molly is still very much a mum as she is a member of the Order, too, meaning she is still going off on the twins when they cause the loud noise and rattling of glasses on the counter. She has a temper that is hard to settle, even in dire situations like the one leading up to the final battle in DH.
Plot: As I already said, I like how you're keeping to canon by including those essential elements about how to get into Hogwarts from the Hog's Head (as that played a key role in DH) and the anticipation in the air leading up to the final show down between Voldemort + Death Eaters and the Wizarding World. Over all, great writing and keep it up! 10/10Author's Response: I love writing different perspectives of the battle; I wrote one from Ginny's PoV for school once! It's fun, but it can be extremely difficult trying to stick to the canon timeline :P
Thank you for pointing out the Molly/Fred/George/Ginny thing! I wanted to keep them acting like themselves, even though there's a battle just around the corner. I especially wanted to give poor Fred some last moments of screentime before he's cut.
Thank you, darling! And wow, you got to this fast! On to respond to the next one! Report Review
Amazing story, please keep updating :)Author's Response: Thank you! I will, I promise :) Report Review
Excellent story! I haver to say that I really like your view of veelas being exceedingly conscious of the flaws of others. I think veelas are so interesting, creatures that have a lot that can still be explored about them, and I think you're doing an excellent job of showing some interesting things through Fleur's point of view. Just two quick notes in this chapter, you mentioned Luna sitting next to Dean after saying she'd left with Harry, and when Bill's talking about Xeno he says, that he tuned most of it out two times in a row. You might want to go back and fix those small things, but besides that, keep up the awesome work!Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing! I think Veelas are interesting, too, which is why I wrote this. :)
And eek, you're completely right! See, this is why one shouldn't write a story at one in the morning. :P Thank you, I will edit that right now! Woops. Report Review
This was another marvelous chapter, Sami! I really like how you're moving this along in the stream of conscience that kicked it off in the first chapter. You have a consistent style that carries the reader along as through they were experiencing the story right there with the characters; I could feel Fleur's anger and defiance as she attempted to stand in Dean and Luna's path to block them from leaving for Hogwarts to fight, right up to her resolve and reveling to Bill that they had to go and fight, too. I've already said (wrote) it but I'll say (write) it again, I love the way you're writing Bill and Fleur together and their chemistry for one another. It's more than just love, but also friendship and mutual understanding (if that makes sense). They work well together. Over all, great writing so far and feel free to come re-request again if you'd like. 10/10Author's Response: I don't think I can thank you enough, Leslie! Consistency has never been a strong point for me, so it means a lot to hear (see?) that. I was actually kind of hoping Bill and Fleur's relationship might come off that way. She needs him in every way, and he needs to feel like there's someone he's providing for (I totally failed in explaining that, but WHATEVER). So they have that relationship that's got friendship aspects as well as love.
I might just take you up on that once I've got chapter five finished and posted! Report Review
Hey Sami, back to review ch. 2. I thought you started this chapter off quite nicely with how Fleur felt initially about Bill's face being scarred at the end of HBP. It showed the deeper side of her that you're trying to get across to your readers; also, I like how easily you write her stream of thoughts as it truly seems in-character for her.
Characterisation: You've portrayed Luna well from how she's perceived in the books. She's intelligent, yet eccentric in the things she believes that her father has told her were real. And the way you've draw up the relationship of Bill and Fleur in this chapter was sweet and showed the chemistry between the married couple.
Plot: Nice job moving this along in Fleur's thoughts and what she thinks about it all. I like how she worries about the trio regardless of feeling that they'll be alright in the end, knowing that they will succeed in whatever they had been planning to do. Over all, great writing. XDAuthor's Response: I swear, Luna is the most difficult character ever. It's so hard to make her not too OTT, but then you also have to keep in mind that she does say weird things a lot, and it's just... eurgh. :P
There was a quote somewhere in DH where Fleur told Harry he was safe there and that he shouldn't leave, which is where that thought sparked off, that she might worry about them.
Thank you again for reviewing, darling! Report Review
Hi Sami! This is Kristen from TGS. :) I've been wanting to read this story for awhile now but never seemed to get around to reading it. It's very interesting to see Fleur's view on her curse/blessing. I would never have imagined that they would not only be given irresistible beauty but to be able to see everyone else's faults as well. It adds hardship on her already overwhelming curse, which I think definitely furthers the story. I love this idea! The emotion you put in this story makes it even more enjoyable. I can't wait to read more! :)
10/10Author's Response: Hi Kristen! Haha, I know how that is. I have a LOT of stories I've been meaing to read for some time. I can't remember where the idea to write about a negative effect on the Veela gene came from, but I'm glad you liked it. :) Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
Sami! It's Leslie and I'm here to review as requested! First off, before I get started, I'll just say (or rather write :P) that I really like the way you've written this first chapter... it's kind of like a stream of conscience, actually, what with it being narrated all in thought. Anyway...
Characterisation: I seriously think you've captured Fleur's character quite magnificently with how being half-veela makes her feel. It's unique and original, not to mention different than how she's normally perceived by other authors who've written her. She's definitely one of the harder minor characters to write in my own opinion because it's almost like people expect her to be stuck-up what with being a half-veela. But it's clear from the books that she has more depth to her than that, and already in this first chapter you've made it clear just how much depth she has in her.
Flow: I thought this flowed quite well, and I'm looking forward to reading more. There's not much else I can critique on this chapter with it being relatively short other than the fact that I enjoyed.Author's Response: Leslieee! You know, it kind of felt like a stream of conscience at the time. This chapter/whole story was an experiment of sorts, and I had a vague idea before I started, but not much.
I think in canon it lightly brushed on the idea that there was more to Fleur than met the eye, and I expanded on that and made this. It is kind of scary trying to stick to the plot of this story while keeping the Fleur we know semi-in-character, so merci for the characterization comments.
Thank you for reviewing, Leslie! Report Review
OK that was pretty good but the galleons came too close after the morning.Author's Response: It's no longer morning, it's more like late afternoon, though I probably should have done more to elaborate on that. Thanks for taking the time to review! Report Review
hm. not something I usualy would read but it's OK.Author's Response: Thanks for giving it a chance! :) Report Review
Oh no! I just wrote this review and clicked away without submitting, so I shall have to rewrite it :P.
Anyway, I realise that this may sound bizarre, but that portion of HBP where you picked the quote from is one of my favourite moments in the whole series. To me, it showed that even in the face of all this heartbreak and devastation, love still exists and it's one thing that cannot be defeated.
Once again, I thought this chapter was fabulous and I'm very intrigued as to where you're taking the story! It's got so much potential and you're completely fulfilling it, but I can't even begin to fathom how you're going to continue. It's all so wonderful and mysterious.
Character-wise everything was absolute perfection. It seemed like a missing moment that could just be slipped straight into canon! I especially admire your Luna, she wasn't in it for long, but her characterisation was entirely spot on, as were Bill and Fleur's, so well done!
I find this subject absolutely fascinating and your narration in this was beautiful. Definitely very Fleur.
I enjoyed this immensely! I hope you have a wonderful holiday season and a Merry Christmas! ^_^Author's Response: Aww, I always get a little bit put out when I write a review and it disappears. It's so disheartening :P.
That's one of my favorite parts, too, that Fleur can see past it all. While I was sitting down to start writing this chapter, I thought of that HBP quote and thought it would kind of go with my Fleur and her determination to beat down the Veela instinct.
GAH, Luna is so hard to keep in character! I know she's a bit different, but I never know if I've got too little of it or if I'm going overboard.
Thanks so much, once again! Merry Belated Christmas, and Happy New Year! Report Review
Merry Christmas, Sami, it's me again :P! I'm here with another review for you for TGS's Secret Santa Gift Exchange ^_^.
Wow! I absolutely ADORED this. It's such a fantastically original idea and I can't help but marvel at how you've come up with it. I know there's a difficult side to being a Veela, but hardly anyone deals with it, and they way you have is just beyond fantastic. I never even considered how much something 'ugly' would bother them, but it's SO plausible.
I also love this take on Fleur. It creates so much sympathy for her character, and it really shows her strength for still wanting to be with Bill after he was attacked. It's clear that Fleur is a strong woman, but this story just makes my respect for her mount even more.
First person really seems to suit you and this chapter had just the right amount of angst and explanation. This could so easily have slipped into a situation where she just seems vain, but you wrote it so well that it doesn't even cross the reader's mind.
I'm absolutely hooked on this story and the originality is truly astounding, never mind that I really love Fleur XD.
Wonderful start and MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Jane xxAuthor's Response: Hey again, Jane!
Gosh, I never know what to say when I get such positive reviews xD. Besides, you know, THANKS. I'm flattered you say first person suits me, because it's actually going outside my comfort zone. I'm so used to third person that I wasn't sure if this came off as forced or not. Report Review
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