Hello! Diem here from the forums. The first thing that I noticed is that, in your story summary, you've got a spelling error. I think you mean "incident" instead of "insant." I'd be sure to fix that, because the summary is the first thing that attracts - or turns off - potential readers.
First, I'd like to say that I really enjoy stories in which Lockhart is the main character. I think there's a lot about him that wasn't delved into in the books because it's from Harry's point of view. Therefore, something like this that gives us an insight into how he came to be and how his mind works, really intrigues me. In specific, I really enjoyed Lockhart's reflection on the girl's current state and how he had done her a favor. Although it seems horrible that he is stealing his fame, his logic in what he is doing is surprisingly... logical. I find the situation and Lockhart's rationale very believable - something I never thought I would say, mind you, because I understand him so little in the books. His disregard for the girl, though, is quite repulsive. I can't believe he just left her there... Ugh, what a horrible man. You wrote this part very well, though. His indifference towards the subjects whose memories he steals is apparent. The one critique I have on this part is that I think you could flesh out the part where he pushes her away a bit more. Being such a pivotal point in the one-shot, I think it could use a bit more description. It seemed somewhat rushed.
I LOVED the ending. It redeems Lockhart a bit in my mind, that at least in his insanity, he seemed to want to repent for mistakes he'd made in the past. I almost feel bad for him that he ended up the same way many of his subjects did - forgotten and alone. He deserves it, in a sense, but it's a horrible fate for a person. I really liked the story, and I applaud you on the plot. Thanks for the request!
Some spelling/grammar notes:
- "girl had encounter a": "encounter" should have an "-ed" on the end
- "horribly burned": should be "burnt"
- "Gildroy": his name is spelled incorrectly twice
- "he really need from": "need" should end in "-ed"
- "back t the": be sure to correct the "t" to "to"Author's Response: Thank you for all your imput, and I'll be sure to fix all the typos. I am loving the ability to request requests! Report Review
I thought I'd come take a look at one of your stories. It's a nice concept, I like the idea. You have one long paragraph, maybe try separating that into two. It's also a little short, maybe try adding a little more. It would be nice to hear if anyone remembered the girl and realized she was gone.Author's Response: Maybe it's just my style. Report Review
I think that this was very well-written. It's a little dry in places, and I may have missed something, but I was confused on what happened to his wand- I thought she still had it when she fell.
Either way though, this is at least an eight, and I think if you revised it or had someone beta it would be a nine or ten. Not that there is much to edit, but that's my opinion.
Well done.Author's Response: Well, I suppose the story was meant to be just a little confusing. Lockhart is seeing this as a rather foggy memory while in St. Mungo's, but even he doesn't know what it really mean. However, now I may take it up with my beta once again to see if it can be revamped! Report Review
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