Reading Reviews for Unforgettables
21 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Penelope Inkwell Fifth year

25th November 2013:

So, I just now noticed that this had a chapter I hadnít read yet. I really enjoyed it. I saw that youíre shelving the story for the time being, in order to work on writing and such, and I respect that decision. Heaven knows my first fanfic, which Iíve not posted despite it being near-finished, is sitting on my hard drive for the same reason, waiting to be stitched together and posted once and for all.

But I just wanted to let you know that I think youíve got good beginnings for a story here, and I do hope you come back to it! Damonís a good OC--his sense of humor is great, and Iíd love to see where this goes, one day.

Good luck with your stories in the meantime! Iíll have to keep an eye out for them : )


Author's Response: Ohh thank's for the review :) I hope I'll be able to come back to the story soon because I really enjoy writing it :)

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Review #2, by marauderfan Fifth year

30th August 2013:
Hello there! I noticed you'd updated (ages ago, but I just saw it) which is awesome, because I really like this story!

I really like the way you write Dominique, she's great. And I like your James as well - just because he's named after two wild attention-loving pranksters doesn't necessarily mean that he's one himself. So it's really nice to see him as so down-to-earth.

Damon - he's great. All the little asides are hilarious. I laughed out loud at the one about the lady at Gringotts wanting his signature! And the line when he's about to give advice to James towards the end - I KNEW he'd say something far from philosophical, and then I read the next line and it was about cake and I was not disappointed. Your writing style is great - easy to read and a lot of fun!

Ooh and the seer I'm so intrigued as to what that's all about.

In terms of grammar/wording there are a few things you may want to edit. In the beginning when Damon is talking about Dom being loyal and brave, but trails off mid sentence, you may just want to complete the word. You can't really cut "brave" in half like that without it being silly :p

Also this: Not that Dom's voice ever went below,quiet volcano eruption,level
The commas are a kind of weird way to emphasize that. Maybe just try italics, or put apostrophes around it? like 'quiet volcano eruption' level.

and here: I'd find myself occasionally, like now, finding myself simply staring at her.
This is a bit repetitive - you'd be fine with "I'd find myself occasionally, like now, simply staring at her"

Anyway, you've got a great chapter here and I'm really looking forward to reading more of your story!

Author's Response: Hey there, sorry for the late response!
I'm glad you like Dominique, I'm trying not to make her too much like her fanfiction stereotype :p
I'm happy to know that people actually laugh at my jokes, because I'm the type of person who'll chuckle to myself while writing them.
I've submitted the adjustments you've suggested so thankyou for those! I'll also take another look over the chapter as I'm going to be making some tweaks to the story soon!
Thankyou for a great review!


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Review #3, by magnolia_magic Going to Hogwarts

30th July 2013:
Okay. So this review is terribly, shamefully late. I got incredibly distracted by life and then the House Cup :( But enough of my excuses! On to the review!

I am so glad you included this chapter, first of all. I always love sorting chapters, because we get to feel the magic of seeing Hogwarts for the first time, all over again. I think that's the biggest strength of the way you've written Damon's experiences in this chapter--I could really feel his wonder, his bewilderment at it all. The image of Dominique holding her hand out to him and saying, "Welcome to the world of magic, Damon" really drives that feeling home for me. It's like something you might see in a movie :)

I love Damon's narrative voice in this. It's very casual, and I like the little comments he throws in about how unbelievable it all is. When he's at the platform and says: "Yeah, it's times like this when I think I'm being played." I laughed out loud at that! And it was fun to meet the nextgen kids and see them from his perspective.

I like what you're doing with Dominique so far, too. At first I found it a little odd that Damon's mention of the orphanage didn't get even a little bit of curiosity from her. That's something that would start a conversation, I think. But in a way it sort of makes sense. Dominique is from a famous family, after all, and she knows what it's like to have people prying into your life. Maybe she wanted to spare Damon from that feeling. In any case, I like her for Damon because she seems more take-charge about things, while Damon is along for the ride (at least for now.) She seems tough and very kind at the same time, and I love that combination :)

And he's sorted into Gryffindor! I wondered where Damon would end up. He seems like a Hufflepuff to me (and I do take issue with Puffs being portrayed as "indecisive people." But I suppose it makes sense that school kids would describe the house that way.) And I have to disagree with the Hat on one point...I haven't really sensed much ambition in Damon so far. But it's still very early on in the story; maybe it will show up later :) Anyway, I love that you had the hat take his choice into account. And those last couple of lines were so cute! He wanted to follow Dominique! I think that makes perfect sense; he clearly likes her, and she's the only familiar thing in the world to him right now. I'm so excited to see where things go from here for those two :)

This was a great follow-up to the first chapter! I think you're doing well...keep up the great work! And sorry again for the incredibly late review :/


Author's Response: Apologies for the incredibly late response!
But thankyou for a great review :)
I'm glad you liked the chapter and I do agree with seeing parts as a movie, I'm a student of TV so a lot of what I write is initially an idea that can be put onscreen!
I'm glad you pointed out the lack of ambition, I think I'm going to change that bit because you're right, Damon isn't very ambitious so far!
Thanks again

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Review #4, by DumbledoresArmyOfOne Going to Hogwarts

30th June 2013:
Ooh, Sorting ceremony! Lovely! I love a good sorting ceremony :)

Damon seems really sweet so far - it's nice how quickly he became attached to his friends!

I'm not sure quite where this story is going quite yet. I've really liked these chapters but they definitely seem like establishment chapters - I can see lots of different plots taking off from here, so I'm excited to see where it goes.

Grammar and spelling was quite good, just one typo sprung out at me 'bHat' which I assume should say 'hat'. Also, maybe put at least single quotes around the Sorting Hat's "speech" just to distinguish it from the text.

I do think it was simultaneously cute and a bit strange how quickly Dominique and Damon decided to be friends, and how quickly Dominique passed judgement on him. I think it speaks for her character that she's quick to judge- I can't wait to see how she develops over time.

I enjoy Damon's little sarcastic thoughts (a boy after my own heart!), and I'm already a huge fan of Professor Accipiter- he seems like a riot! (oh dear, I just said riot xD)

Any story that mentions Neville (and spells his name right) is off to a good start in my head, and your writing here is really good and quite engaging.

Hopefully, I've given you some useful feedback. I'll definitely keep reading and reviewing!

Author's Response: Who doesn't love a good sorting ceremony? :)
Professor Accipiter is pretty much the same as my Highschool Physics teacher :p So credit goes to him for giving me inspiration!

I'm glad you like the writing at this point, because, well, it can only get better (right?)
You've given some amazing feedback and I can't thank you enough!

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Review #5, by marauderfan Going to Hogwarts

30th June 2013:
Hey KiwiOliver! I'm here with your requested review!

The continued characterisation of Damon is great. He reminds me a bit of Neville - he seems very clumsy and innocent, but tries to do the right thing. I loved his first meeting with Dom.

I think you've perfectly captured that "magic" feeling when a Muggle-born sees Hogwarts for the first time, without going overboard on it. And speaking of overboard, I really enjoyed when Dom and Damon fell out of their boat. Nothing like being rescued from a lake by a giant squid to bring people together.

I liked how you included Malfoy's greeting to the Potters/Weasleys from Damon's point of view - very subtle but easy to recognise that scene from the DH epilogue!

I adore Damon's dry commentary on things - I laughed at the line when he thinks the older students are scary. I definitely felt that way about teenagers when I was 11. And I'm sure it must have been nice for Albus and Rose to meet someone who didn't already know who they were.

One thing I think could use some editing is the tense. The first bit is in present tense, and then it switches over to past tense. So maybe edit the first piece (up until Damon goes through the barrier at Kings Cross).

Also, when Damon and Dom are discussing houses on the train, they both seem set on Gryffindor, but then later on Damon's not sure what he wants and is considering Ravenclaw. Maybe you could clear that up - you could edit the first bit probably, because I think as someone raised by Muggles he wouldn't be that set on Gryffindor so soon. Or, a second idea is that you could leave it with him changing his mind like that, but explain why (Rose praised Ravenclaw enough to convince him, etc.)

This was a great chapter! I am really enjoying the story so far.

Author's Response: Hey there! Thank you for a great review!
I'm glad you like Damon, and the chapter!
I agree I need to work on my tenses, quite a few people have pointed that out so I'm currently trying to do some short writing exercises to better myself! :)
Ohh I think the reason Damon changed his mind was because I had originally ended the chapter as soon as they left the train, and then went back to it and added. I forgot that he had his mind set so I'll be sure to change that!
Thanks again!

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Review #6, by DumbledoresArmyOfOne An old teacher and a new one

30th June 2013:
Hello! I'd like to open by telling you that this chapter has a killer opener. I know it's just one sentence, but it's one very important sentence and it definitely did its job of making me want to read more!

You developed a very rich exposition, managing to give us hints about Damon's life without using one of those clunky introduction paragraphs that everyone hates to read.

I love the two characters so far. Damon seems very insightful for a ten year old, and I can already tell that he will be a great narrator. I'm glad we'll get to see the world through his eyes.

I also like the dramatic irony where you made it clear to the reader that Miss Goshawk is a witch (the author Miranda Goshawk, I'm assuming), while keeping Damon entirely oblivious.

You do need to watch your tenses. It's a mistake that every single author has made, no exceptions, to switch between past and present times and I noticed it a couple of times in the chapter (if you can't find them, I can point them out to you over PM). Also, just a small thing, but I noticed a couple of times you tend to repeat the same word (like the word 'donate' in the 2nd paragraph). While this isn't a big issue, and "any word you have to look up in a thesaurus is the wrong word", it tends to make things a little monotonous for the reader ( unless you're doing it on purpose, to make a point).

A couple of teeny grammar mistakes (carer and I would clean up, not carer and me) and a dangling participle here and there ("relatively big for the suburb area we lived in" should be "for the suburban area in which we lived"). however, I understand that as a ten year old, Damon may not have the best grammar, so as long as you're doing this to keep in character, you can ignore those corrections.

This chapter flowed really well. I love the introduction of Neville at the end (I LOVE Neville)- he would have dirt on his face, the poor dear, and you ended it at exactly the right moment. I can't wait to read more!

Sorry for my overuse of parentheses :D

Author's Response: Aww Thankyou! I'm glad you liked the chapter!
Keeping in the right tense is one of my many downfalls! :p Ohh, I hadn't even noticed the repeated words, thankyou for pointing it out! I'll be sure to correct that in future!
Thanks again for such a great review!

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Review #7, by Penelope Inkwell Going to Hogwarts

30th June 2013:
Iíd like to warn you, this is going to be rather obnoxiously long. I couldnít help writing down things I liked all the way through, so it might be a bit gushy. But I just liked *so* many things, and I had to let you know. There are probably fanfics shorter than this review, but oh well. Hope you enjoy hearing some highly specific readerly perspective! I have a Lot of Thoughts...clearly.

"Yeah, itís times like this where I think Iím being played.Ē
--Itís those little one liners that always catch me by surprise, and make me like cough/laugh/splutter. I love how sort of dry his humor can occasion. Or maybe itís just a result of being frank. Either way, it makes me giggle--I love how he says what any logical person would be thinking. I really hope that, when I try to add a bit of humor into my stories, I can make single lines really catch people off guard, like that, and make them laugh.

I also really like the relationship Damon has with Miss Goshawk. How interesting, that she hasnít told him that sheís a witch. Is there a reason behind that? I like imagining the moment he finds out that, all this time, she was just like him. And Iím still wondering what was up with that ring!

I would have enjoyed seeing his take on Diagon Alley. I feel like it would be so amusing to hear it described from Damonís perspective. But, fun as that would have been, I can understand wanting to move the plot along and get him to the castle. I suppose heíll have a whole host of magical things to comment on, there.

Oh! Itís that moment when Draco nods at the Potters! And when Teddy and Victoire are snogging! You worked it in--itís those little details that are my absolute favorite--when I can look at a story and it matches up exactly with something on the book timeline. Hooray!

I adore(!) that he tries to recall some French from the donated church books--it really ties that in and it just makes me like Damon all the more. He seems like an understated sort of smart, and it was quite thoughtful of him to try to speak to someone in their own language.

It makes sense that Dominique wouldnít be all that phased by hearing that someoneís parents were dead. After all, after two generations of war, she probably knows a lot of people with no, or just one, parent. Her Uncle Harry and Teddy Lupin, at the very least.

ďlooking up at the most beautiful castle I had ever seen.Ē Just how many castles has this boy seen? Did the orphanage go on a field trip? I suppose it is England, so there are other castles.

Oh, Hagrid! What a very Hagrid-esque greeting. It made me smile : D

I love that Albus wasnít used to having to introduce himself, and was completely taken aback by the idea. I always thought it a bit odd that they wouldnít have any idea they were famous. I mean, I got the idea, based on the questions the kids asked in the epilogue, that maybe they didnít know *how* famous they were, but they already had so many siblings at Hogwarts. Could James really keep a secret like, ďDadís the savior of the wizarding world?Ē Even based on the brief glimpse J.K. gave us of him, that seemed far fetched. And of course, even if it had somehow been kept under wraps, all their lives everyone *would* have known who they were. So, nice touch. It gives Al and Rose a bit of extra characterization while really highlighting Damonís position as an outsider.

When you say he heard about war heroes from Miss Goshawk, are you referring to WWII? Because he doesnít know sheís a witch, does she? That was one moment where I had some brief confusion.

ďHullo, my name is Professor Accipiter. Or, if need be, Iíve also been known to respond to ĎOií and ĎWhat do you mean, detention?íĒ I think Iím going to like this character--very charming and likeable. Accipiter is Latin for hawk, isnít it? Any special meaning there?

I also think it perfectly sensible that Dominique would feel less pressure over her House assignment. After all, unlike the others, she doesnít have two parents from Gryffindor--her mother didnít even go to Hogwarts. I can just imagine Fleur, ď*sniff* Zees ĎOgwartz studentz make entirely too much of zees ĎOuses zey are sorted into. I Ďave always said this.Ē

I love that he chooses Gryffindor to be with Dom! That seems like a great beginning for them. I think it would be good to maybe put the Sorting Hatís words in italics, just to show that theyíre in Damonís head and eliminate that minuscule moment of trying to figure out who is talking, but itís not, like, a *thing*.

On the whole, my main constructive criticism that I could give would maybe be to add in a hook at the beginning? So much of the first couple paragraphs is recap, which is utterly necessary, but not as exciting. Maybe if we could live through some if it, or flash back? Just a though. Once I got into the present of the story, I enjoyed it immensely. Obviously. Sorry if the review is obnoxiously wrong, but I just got the feeling I *had* to tell you all these little things I like--so much of your talent seems to be in these fun little details, so I thought Iíd mention it. Anyways, till next time,


Author's Response: My jaw hit the floor when I got back after being away a couple of days and saw this!
Thank you for such an amazing and detailed review!
I'm glad you liked the chapter and I agree, I need to make the story more gripping at the start and end points! I'm working on improving my writing so hopefully amazing people like you can show me what to do! :)
Thanks again for such a great review :)

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Review #8, by Gabriella Hunter Going to Hogwarts

30th June 2013:

Hey there, its Gabbie with your requested review and sorry that it took a minute. For some reason I've been really busy and haven't been able to do as much as I would like. It sucks!
Anyway, on to this! I really liked how you described Damon's eventual transition to the Wizarding world. I especially liked those few opening paragraphs, they really made me laugh, I think Damon is a very unique character. He seems really grounded and relatable to me. Anyway, I especially liked his relationship with Ms. Goshawk again and her obvious affection for him. I would like to know more about her sometime in the future and I hope you go into more detail later on. With him going to the platform finally, I liked his train of thought and the way he met Dom, who usually isn't shown this way. I think you've created a different version of her that I like but I think that some of the scenes went by too soon. Alot of characters were introduced and there wasn't enough time for me to get a good grip on their characters. That's really the only CC I have, aside from a few spelling things but the rest of this chapter was pure gold to me. I hope he and Dom have an easier time at Hogwarts too, I have a feeling that the less he knows about the Weasley/Potter family now might play a big role in the future. And am I just hoping for romance or is that just me? :3 I know they're only kids but I so hope that Dom/Damon become a thing. Heehehe.
Anyway, thanks for the read and feel free to re-request!
Much love,

Author's Response: Hey there, don't worry about it being slow, I appreciate any feedback I can get!
I didn't really want us to get the other characters personalities too much, as in chapter three it skips to fifth year and they'll all have changed as people, but I may look into expanding on them a bit earlier on :)
As for the possible romance, well, my lips are sealed ;)
Thank's for a great review!

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Review #9, by Penelope Inkwell An old teacher and a new one

29th June 2013:
Well, thatís quite the beginning, isnít it?

I like that youíve captured the voice of a ten-year-old boy. Simple, in a way, but capable of saying those things that are just so *true* that I couldnít help but laugh aloud.

Iíve never run across a OC pre-Hogwarts opening chapter that drew me in. Generally, I donít care much to read about children (though, of course, there are exceptions), let alone before they get to a magical, interesting sort of place. But something about your story really invited me in. Maybe it was that beginning--I love the idea of killing time by reading a variety of used books, and Iíd say that, from the titles selected, Damon is either very bored or very openminded. I appreciate both--Iíve never known a ten-year-old boy who could sit patiently through any sort of service--religious, academic, what have you.

Also, I loved--LOVED--that you included minor, just-barely-mentioned characters like Billy Stubbs (so Damonís from the same orphanage as Tom Riddle? Awesome!) and Miranda Goshawk. It was fun figuring out why those names were so familiar.

I look forward to reading the next bit.


Author's Response: Aww I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter!
I'm completely the same, I think a lot of OC pre-Hogwarts chapters can be quite dull, theyre not even magic yet! I originally started this story when Damon was in fifth year (that's not chapter three) but I didn't like the idea of constantly looking back to explain everything, so I wrote the first two chapters to make up for that.
Minor characters rule! I just had to include as many as I could (they're not all of them! There's more to come!)
Hope to hear from you again soon! And I hope the rest does not disappoint!

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Review #10, by marauderfan An old teacher and a new one

28th June 2013:
Review Tag!

I really liked this opening chapter! Your main character is likeable - just seems like your average ten year old boy. I'm curious what happened to his parents though. And I could relate to him, as someone who also has a tendency to have biscuits break off in my tea, haha.

Miss Goshawk is great. From the beginning I assumed she was a witch, wasn't she the author of a textbook, or a member of the Wizengamot or something? I recognise her name but can't recall who she was. Anyway, I really liked her, she seemed like a wonderful and sassy old lady (who apparently can't be bothered to follow the statute of secrecy! :P )

I always like reading how Muggle-born kids adjust to the news that they're magical, so I'm looking forward to seeing Damon's excitement at the wizarding world. I liked that his first impression was that wizards dress like Jedis.

This is a great start! Nicely done :)

Author's Response: Aww thankyou for such a lovely review!
:) I did make it really obvious what she was :p and I think I'll annoy people when Damon continues to be oblivious to it :p
Thanks again!

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Review #11, by HeyMrsPotter Going to Hogwarts

28th June 2013:
Oooh I'm really loving this! Couldn't help but leave another review! I absolutely ADORE the charms professor, he's hilarious :D Looking forward to the next chapter already :)

Author's Response: Aww I'm glad you like him! I based him off my Highschool Physics teacher who was just as awesome. (Without the magic!)

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Review #12, by HeyMrsPotter An old teacher and a new one

28th June 2013:
Hello! Here for our review swap!

This is the first story I've read that starts in the muggle world and already I'm hooked!! I'll definitely be adding this to my favourites and reading further :)

I adore Miss Goshawk's character, she seems like a very wise, albeit a little loopy loveable old lady, I hope to see more of her later on!

This was well written, clever and funny. I didn't spot any spelling or grammar mistakes :) Thank you for the swap and for the excellent start to this story!

Author's Response: Aww Thank you for such a positive review! I'm glad you liked it and hopefully we can swap again soon!

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Review #13, by Gabriella Hunter An old teacher and a new one

20th June 2013:

Hey there, its Gabbie with your review and dear God forgive me for being so late with it. I hadn't meant to take this long to get back to you with it, but I have the worst internet connection in the world right now.
But on to this!
Oh, so I loved it! I think you've really created a very unique and likeable character with Damon and I think I'm half in love with him. I think he's very witty and far more realistic for someone his age, I didn't get the overdramatic air from him one bit.
With his situation, you have to wonder a bit more about his background and if his parents either abandoned him or if they passed away. His life at the orphanage at times eerily reminded me of Tom Riddle but let's hope he won't turn into someone like that. Hahahaa.
I really liked the history and relationship you built up with him and Ms. Goshawk though, she's rather prickly but I couldn't help but be a little fond of her.
The rumors about her being a little strange caught my interest and I was able to figure out her little secret after a while. But I wonder why she takes such a fondness for Damon? Is it because he's a wizard or something more? Hm, you've got me curious!
There weren't too many things that I thought were major CC's either. I think some of your paragraphs could be shortened to one big one instead of broken up but otherwise, it was a great read!
Much love,

Author's Response: Hey there! :) Don't worry about being late, I always appreciate the helpfulness of reviews!
I'm glad you liked the story and I'm hoping to develop lots of peoples relationships with Damon throughout the story :)

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Review #14, by -BookDinosaur- An old teacher and a new one

17th June 2013:
-BookDinosaur- here with your requested review!

I really like how you've set up the plot. We see a young boy, who has no clue about his magical abilities, and an orphan. He reminds me of Harry a lot as well with those things. Your characterisation of Damon was good, I really enjoyed reading from his POV. He sounds a lot like one of those quiet children who won't talk much in public.

Your flow was good as well, if anything there were just a few mistakes that disrupted it a bit (which I'll cover last) but nothing major.

I love how you took two really minor characters from the HP novels and added them into this, it just serves to link this story more strongly with the HP universe.

I really liked the bit where he thinks she'll spout out some useful advice and instead she tells him she wants biscuits in her tea. :P That made me laugh.

Okay, so my CC would just be to look over it again, I saw a couple of spelling/punctuation mistakes that disrupted the flow a bit, like this:

-Near the beginning, you wrote church go-er. Now that is rather awkward to read, and if you look it up (I Googled it just now to make sure), it's one word, churchgoer.

-You put 'Woops' instead of 'Whoops'. This one is just my opinion though, so if it was meant to be like that then ignore this.

-At the end you put 'Hello, My name is...' Since it's a comma, the M shouldn't be capitalised. If for some reason you really really want to capitalise the M then you'll have to replace the comma with a full stop.

All in all, this was a really good first chapter that I really enjoyed reading.

Author's Response: Ohh thanks for a great review! I'll make sure to correct the mistakes you pointed out, and hopefully the next chapter will be out soon so I'll be sure to re-request it!
(And judging by the reviews, I'll add a joke) :p
Thanks again!

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Review #15, by academica An old teacher and a new one

15th June 2013:
Hello, stopping by from Review Tag!

This is very interesting! I like the idea of this normal boy suddenly being surprised with a visit from a Hogwarts professor. He reminds me of Harry in a lot of ways: he's an orphan, he gets glimpses of magic here and there but doesn't understand it, and he's got that existential sense that his life is going nowhere and he's just kind of moving along by doing what adults tell him to do. Obviously he isn't being mistreated like Harry was, which makes me feel a bit more positive for him.

It'll definitely be neat to see where you take this and how Damon feels when confronted with an entirely new world of magic, witches and wizards. It will especially be cool to find out how he was selected for Hogwarts and if the reasoning there was connected to the loss of his mother and father.

Great start :)


Author's Response: Thanks, I'm glad I created a character that can be related to such an amazingly created one :)
Hope to see you again in the review section :)

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Review #16, by magnolia_magic An old teacher and a new one

4th June 2013:
Hi! I'm here for our swap--thank you so much for doing this, by the way! I'm really glad I got a chance to read this chapter, because I think it's a really promising start :)

I liked reading from Damon's point of view. He seems like a pretty typical 10 year old, and I'm really interested in getting to know him better. I thought he was really precious with Miss Goshawk, and she had some really funny moments herself. Like this one:

"Miss Goshawk studied me for a moment, she knows me better than anyone else in the world, I know right now she'€™ll come out with a piece of advice that I'll carry with me forever.

"€œI'€™ll have biscuits with my tea today I think."

Or not."

^That part made me laugh out loud, just by the way :D

Loved the mention of Neville near the end, and I think in that last little paragraph you did a great job of capturing the wonder of hearing about Hogwarts for the first time.

Overall I really enjoyed reading this! Your other reviewers have mentioned a couple of grammar things you could work on, but that's the only suggestion I would make. I like Damon a lot so far, and I'll be interested to see where his journey goes from here :) Thanks again for the swap!


Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Sorry for the late reply!
I'm glad you like Damon :) and my little joke :p
I really wasn't sure how I would go about the whole Hogwarts speech but then I realized, we all know it :p so I sort of cheated by not making it longer! My grammar changes are in the queue and I'll be beta'ing chapter before release from now on :)
Thabks for the swap!

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Review #17, by Aphoride An old teacher and a new one

30th May 2013:
Hey there - stopping by from the forums with your requested review! Sorry for the delay - I injured my wrist yesterday and haven't been able to type until this afternoon, but here I am! :)

So, I love the idea of the orphanage, and a boy from an orphanage finding out he's a wizard and all that jazz. And I love the fact that you've included a pair of hugely minor characters - Miranda Goshawk and Billy Stubbs - in it as well. Plus, an appearance from Professor Neville! :) It's all good...

I like Damon's character so far. He's an odd, complicated, hypocritical sort of child - which is good, because it means he's real. He doesn't want to be adopted, but then he does; he wants to be successful, but doesn't really seem to understand what that means. I also like the fact that he doesn't understand Romeo and Juliet - that comment made me laugh :P Why would a boy die for a girl, indeed... :)

His relationship with Miranda Goshawk is great, too. I like how she's more uptight in public and more relaxed at home, how she's hiding her magical identity, and how she seems to like Damon - presumably, she knows he's a wizard, I'm guessing ;) The one thing I did find a little strange is that you said that at seven he was sent over to help her. Now, I'm not an expert, but I did once apply to help out at a care home and they're really, really tough things to get. I highly doubt anyone - even a grateful orphanage - would send a seven year old boy, who has no idea about first aid, about health and safety and is nowhere near strong enough to lift her if necessary to help out an old lady. That being said, it's actually a little unclear what you mean by that. If you expand, it could work - if he's helping out by cleaning things, or going on errands for her, that sort of thing. As it is, it's a bit unbelievable and ambiguous.

The detail in this was great - I loved the little cultural references, like Jedi, and Goshawk's comment about her being successful and his utter confusion at what she means. Of course we know, but that's what makes it fun ;)

I just have a few things I want to say quickly. I'm not totally sure why Goshawk would want to create a savings account (I doubt it would be a bond, tbh - bonds are debt security and transferrable) or a trust fund for him? You don't really show that they have a close enough relationship for that... you show they get on, but it seems a little odd. Also, if the church is nearby (which is must be), then why wouldn't Damon know if he's a priest or a reverend? Since he goes there - even if not to the actual service - it seems like something he would just have picked up from other people, like Goshawk or the other kids (you know, talking about Reverend Clive or whatever his name is). Lastly, you have a slight comma issue :P You use them a LOT: in place of semi-colons, in place of full stops... I would recommend sending this first chapter to a quick beta on the forums, and having them check it over for you - they will be able to point it all out to you and explain to you how it works (just make sure to mention it to them! :D), since this review might get a little long otherwise ;)

The flow was great - you have nothing to worry about there, and it doesn't get dull at all. You're introducing us a bunch of new characters, and a whole new situation which hasn't yet got to the world we really know well. Even though there's not much action, it's the descriptions and the information about him and his life which is needed at this point. So, no problems there!

But yeah, I liked this. I like Damon's character, Miranda Goshawk is a great character and a nice inclusion, the detail was great (the mentions of the 'strange green substance', the champagne glass with a rat's tail, the jedi robe), and it was a good introduction :)

I hope I didn't come across to harsh - I just want to help! - and feel free to re-request! :)

Aph xx

Author's Response: Hey there, let me start of for saying thank you for taking the time to review, and thanks for such a good one!
I'm making a few changes at the moment, little things that you've pointed out, and as soon as I'm done I'm sending it to a beta :) I'd also like to thank you as before now I never knew about quick betas and was scared of getting an actual beta!
Thanks again!

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Review #18, by MadiMalfoy An old teacher and a new one

28th May 2013:
Hey, MadiMalfoy here with your review as requested! :)

Well, I've got a lot of good things for you! First of all, you have very good sentence structure, flow, and consistency, and that's a big step to having a great writing style. As this is a first chapter, it's only supposed to set up the plot for future things to happen, and that's exactly what it does. You don't throw too many things in there, just give lots of needed background information and foreshadowing for the future.

I love the fact Damon helps out Miranda Goshawk, author of the Standard Book of Spells, but has no clue she's a witch! And the hints that Damon is going to be a wizard too, which is why he is the next boy selected to help her out and why she begins to give him things that he has no idea what the meaning behind them is. You set things up very well, and sometimes that's very hard to do. The cliffhanger with Professor Longbottom *eek!* was perfect! Cliffhangers are an author's best friend, I swear! :)

I think this has great potential already! Great start to this story, I'm excited for you to re-request once you have the next chapter up! :) xx

Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter! Hopefully the next one will be up soon too! I'll be sure to re-request!x

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Review #19, by UnluckyStar57 An old teacher and a new one

28th May 2013:
Hi! I'm here with the review you requested. :)

First off, I'd like to say welcome back!! You've had a bit of a hiatus from fanfiction, I guess, and it's good to see that you've returned. I'm so glad that I got a chance to read this story!! :)

You've set up the whole plot very nicely. It was nice to see Damon, an OC, as an orphan, without any notion of his magical abilities. I think it's really cool that he gets to help out Miss Goshawk, who must know that he's going to be a wizard. It kind of reminds me of the relationship between Harry and Miss Figg, although she's a Squib. On a whole, I think you've written Damon's and Miss Goshawk's relationship perfectly: an eccentric old woman and a young boy who listens to her stories.

The bit about the nine-year-old girl stealing his stuff all the time made me laugh. :)

A few pieces of grammar advice:

*When you have dialogue, watch your punctuation at the ends.

If you write something like this:

"We are going to the circus," he said.

You will need a comma if you're going to note the person who is saying the sentence.

If you don't want to note the person who is saying the sentence and the sentence will not end with ! or ?, you can write it like this:

"I've always been a fan of the Kenmare Kestrels."

Just put a period at the end before you close the quotation marks. :)

*As for my second piece of advice, it's just that you've got a few run-ons--nothing very big!! Wen you go back and edit this chapter, just read the sentences aloud to see if they're too long or are unclear. If you find that this is the case, try to split the sentence in the most logical place. Add any extra detail you think you need, and you're good to go!!

Other than those little, nitpicky things, I found nothing wrong with this chapter! It is quite well-written and very intriguing. I hope you post the next chapter soon, and when it's posted, you should definitely rerequest in my review thread! :)


Author's Response: Thank you so much, this is a great review :) I'll be sure to sort out my grammar as soon as I'm home! And I'll definitely be posting the second chapter in your thread when it's validated! Thank's again for being so helpful!

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Review #20, by MargaretLane An old teacher and a new one

27th May 2013:
The idea of a bookcase in a church foyer seems strange to me. That's not a criticism or anything, just a comment. I've known some churches have a rack with a few prayer books or maybe a life of a saint, but definitely not novels or anything. I know churches in places like the UK and the US seem to have more to do there than just attend service though. I just never thought of a bookcase.

Like the way you show the kind of person Miss Goshawk is. I can sort of picture her.

Billy Stubbs? Wasn't he one of the kids in the orphanage with Tom Riddle? I'm guessing it's the same orphanage so. He must be OLD by the next generation. Let's see, if he was born around 1940, he'd probably be 70ish at this stage. Must be nearly time for him to retire.

Oh you misspelled "loser" as "looser".

This is reminding me a bit of Great Expectations, which my dad called me in to see part of today. Never read it, but what I do know of the storyline fits a little with this story.

That was amusing when he's convinced she'll give him some really significant piece of advice and then she just decides to have some biscuits.

And hmm, I'm now wondering if Miss Goshawk is a witch or a Squib or something, just because of all those strange symbols and stuff.

Yeah, she's got to be a witch if she was holding a "stick" (a wand) over him.

Hmm, I wonder what's the significance of the wolf's head. I've a feeling there IS a significance.

"Professor" should have a capital letter when used as a title.

This story has a curiously old-fashioned flavour considering it's presumably set in more or less the current day, to the point that the mention of e-bay sort of jolted me. It's partly the references to the orphanage. I don't think that term is used much any more. And also things like how Miss Goshawk talks about how the most she expected was to marry a moderately rich man. Though of course I don't know how old she is. She could have grown up before World War II, especially if she's a witch.

That could explain why she seems so Victorian actually. Maybe she did grow up in the late 19th/early 20th century. Witches can live to 150.

Author's Response: Thank you for such a helpful review!
For the bookcase, the church my grandma attends (That I drive her too) has one in the lobby/foyer, it's there so people can borrow the donated books and return them whenever, it isn't exactly a common thing, so I might change that.
Yeah I did take Billy Stubbs from the orphanage Voldemort grew up in, I imagined him as an old man that does more talking to the children then actual caretaker-ing, so I don't mind too much about his age, since I don't think I'll ever mention him in more than passing.
I'm glad you found parts amusing too, I don't want it to be too depressing even though it isn't exactly a happy topic (having no parents).
As for Miss Goshawk and the wolf, they come later ;) Although if you do want to look a bit forward into the story, you could always Google her name :p
Thank you so much again for the advice, I'll be making the spelling/grammar changes immediately!

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Review #21, by LadyCullen94 An old teacher and a new one

16th December 2009:
I like it. it's interesting. I think you have done a good job on the opening and ill make sure to read the next chapter when you put it up.

Author's Response: I must admit, I had not signed onto this account after I posted the first chapter. Although it's been rewritten now I do appreciate the positive feedback :)

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