Reading Reviews for Hogwarts Affairs Of The Heart
  
1 Reviews Found

Review #1, by pennyardelle Trains, Bets & the Unexpected

15th October 2009:
I saw your story hadn't been reviewed yet, so I thought I'd do the honours! There's nothing worse than writing a story and not getting any feedback, is there?

So, I liked how in the first chapter, Lily's arrival to Platform 9 3/4 was somewhat similar to that of Harry's. It was an interesting parallel. There are some grammar and spelling errors in both chapters which you might want to keep an eye on--people are usually pretty picky about wanting to read well-edited stories! Most important would be to watch the switching of verb tenses that occurred a few times throughout the chapters. You'll be surprised how much more polished a story can sound if you simply keep all of those the same!

I have some questions, too. Now, it's your story so you can do what you want with it, but some people can also be picky about stories sticking to the facts we know about characters. We know that the Dursleys were Harry's only remaining relatives, which makes me wonder about James' twin sister. James was supposed to be an only child (but again, you've got artistic licence here). I realize you plan on writing further stories, so perhaps she won't be in the picture later for some reason. I also wonder about Lily's aunt and six cousins--technically they shouldn't be around by the time Harry is born, so perhaps you also have plans for them. Also, where is Snape? We know from the books that he and Lily were very good friends and rode the train together for the first time.

Also, my jaw dropped a bit when you described what had happened to Lily's family--that's some pretty heavy stuff, especially for an eleven-year-old! You may be treading some tricky waters here, but if you can pull off her characterization well, my hat will be off to you.

I think it would be neat if you added some sort of explanation of how exactly the Marauders met, whether it was at the train station or before that.

And at the beginning of chapter two, it might be helpful to be more specific in the first paragraph whose point-of-view we're reading from. It becomes clear in the first bit of dialogue, but since this is an original character, people might need it spelled out earlier on so they can situate whose thoughts they're hearing. That said, it's always interesting to see an alternate female point-of-view in a Marauders story, since it's usually Lily who gets the main voice.

You seem to be planning for a long haul with this story and its sequels, and I really think you've started off with some intriguing differences from other Marauders stories. Keep it up! (By the way--yay Canada!)

Author's Response: Wow!

Thank you very much for the feed back. I will keep an I on the grammar, and when I have time between school and writing the other chapters, I will definatly correct the previous mistakes.

I realize that some people are very picky on the facts being true and straight. Like snape being in love with lily, and petunia being her only relative. My thoughts for this story, and the sequels, though, is based upon an Idea that a friend gave me.

The next couple of chapters are going to be different and not always sticking to the facts. Without me giving to much away, some of the fatcs WILL be corrected. Chapter 3 will be on the train still, so, you will see what happens.

Once again, thank you for being the first to review. I will definatly consider the more picky members and readers, and hopefully, if you still read it, you will enjoy what happens.

Cheers! (GO CANADA!)


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