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Review #1, by chillychick95 Chapter 1: Welcome to The Jungle

21st September 2009:
The challenge is an interesting one. I think it's a good idea, people have done moving to Hogwarts from America many times but you seem to have incorporated the challenge well.

I think she get's used to it too quickly, for someone so cold and proud she's very vulnerable or at least thats what I got from the story, and she sounds like a stubborn little thing as well so I really thought her moodiness would last a little longer.

I like the use of a timeline, 2 months later, one week later etc but I thought you should've included where, what, how as I was a little bit confused through most of the parts.

Your grammar, from what I saw, was pretty awesome just make sure when someone's talking especially this last bit here - “Just kidding. Always friends!” I smiled. It looks like Des is speaking but it's actually James, just put in, 'he added mischievously' so it's clear to readers.

One more thing, WRITE. Don't be afraid to describe something for paragraphs. You had a plot starting but there's no. butterfly writing (or rather fluff) where she just thinks, reflects etc. They give a good insight into what she's feeling.


It's a sweet little story, and first reviewer. Keep writing. :)

Lexy

Author's Response: OMG! I am loving this review. -huggles- I don't think I've had a review like this, well, EVER! I probably could've gone in and done a second draft, but I am one of the lazy people in this world, and work more than what I feel like is not exactly up my alley. I love to describe, but the thing is when I describe or have my character's just thinking, it tends to get a little weird and sometimes disturbing. I am so going to add you in my author's note for the next chapter. :]!

Last thing, The only reason it was even slightly good was because I live in America, and the reason she warms up quickly (which will not stay like this, I like my characters with DRAMA) is because I want to live in England and go to hogwarts. in my mind my character is insane.

Once again, THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU for the review! Luv u lots!
XOXO
Greta


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