Consider your mission accomplished. I cried like a baby during this. And the shocking bit is that is was the letter that really got me, I was able to read the whole thing without blubbering, and I was feeling rather proud of myself, and then I got to that letter, and I broke down!
Teddy wasn't supposed to die!
Just a phenominal piece 10/10! Report Review
I happened to stumble across your story and I think it's great! I love the way you described it and the way Teddy was so determined to work it out with Victoire before he died. However, I am a little confused as to how Teddy contracted the disease and what exactly the disease is -- I thought at first you were describing the businessman as a vampire and I'd missed the part where he sucked Teddy's blood, but I was definitely wrong! Did Teddy contract the disease by drinking from the businessman's cup? (just reread that bit- think I've figured it out).
Anyways, I love the letter in the end and the line "If I see your mum and dad, I'll tell them you say hi". I thought it was such a perfect way to end the story. Report Review
Hi there, it's propertyoftheHBP from the forums.
I really, really loved this. No matter what it was, you had me guessing at something until the very end. So, yes, this was interesting. Beyond interesting. :D
It was also believable, especially for the Wizarding World. If the story and disease was in the Muggle world, I wouldn't be entirely certain in saying that--although, of course, it only makes sense that the disease can pass on to Muggles, if it does--but with wizards? For sure, stranger things have happened. I was confused, though, until I went back and read parts of the story again and read your responses to some reviews, on what the origin of the disease was. My initial reaction was that it had been caused by the drink, that a huge lot of Wizarding alcohol had been horribly spoiled. When kissing kept being mentioned, though, I was confused, but it was really only because it hadn't been outrightly mentioned, so that could be me being dense. (I also think that the word 'intoxicated' misled me, but obviously I was only thinking of the drinking definition.) xD So now I assume that Ted was right on at assuming the businessmen had been at a strip club, and that they had contracted the sickness there? Then of course when he sloshed the drink everywhere, he got the virus.
I love how we followed Ted hours through the hours, but it bugged me so much that he didn't just go back and make things right with Victoire as soon as he could! I understand his reasoning, though. I was also completely expecting Victoire to get sick once Teddy had kissed her, and was shocked by it. I didn't see the twist coming at all, with the film-type-thing.
I saw in your summary that this was written for a "Make Me Cry Challenge"--you succeeded at the very end. My heart was breaking throughout the story, but what made me cry was Ted's letter to Harry. The grief surrounding not only Victoire, but the Potter family as well was too much. :(
In short, again, I loved it. Everything was written amazingly well. I have only one question: Was Victoire watching the sun rise that last morning?Author's Response: Thank you!
I'm sorry you were confused - I imagined the disease to be something like mono (or the kissing disease) in that it can be contracted from things like sharing cups, but it's mostly known for contraction through kissing. That's why Victoire thought Ted had cheated on her.
Haha, I'm sorry you were bothered by Ted not going and fixing things, but that was my intention. Thank you so much. I'm glad I could surprise you =)
Thank you so much for your excellent review. I really appreciate your feedback. =)
I don't know. Was she? =P Report Review
Hello! Here with your review. One thing you'll notice, I review as I go, it helps me to not leave out things.
Right off the bat, the Summary pulled me in. It was very well written. Simple, yet enticing. I don't know what Staff Challenge #4 was, but I am preparing for the tears seeing as you put it in a make me cry challenge. :D
The date thing made me smile! I love when people do the tiny amount of research it requires to properly age their characters. Right off the bat, I could tell that you care about this story and that it actually means enough to you that you didn't just slap something down.
Hey...I like hard lemonade. LOL Then again *points at self* Girl.
I've never been intoxicated, so I really can't critique the description of it, but I think you wrote it well enough that I never have the urge to be so. I have, however, been married and this is so real, what he's feeling. The doubts, the 'first fight' second thoughts and the sick feeling. Very well portrayed. It does leave me with the thoughts that perhaps there is more than we are hearing. It is, after all, Teddy's view on things, so of course, we are going to jump to his side right off. That's the way good writing works. I'm eager to see how it plays out.
Nice reference about the feel of the coldness. Ugh, I so envy your ability to write 'Drunk Speak'. I find that one of the most trying things to manage. You found a nice balance between 'slurred' and 'understandable'. I got a bit thrown for a moment because the Healer said 'twenty-four hours' then he came back with thought on 'twenty-three hours'. Don't know if that was a typo or if I just didn't get the missing hour reference. :(
Jenna got hit with the tears. You had to play the parent card? Ugh! No, but seriously, anytime I see a mention of Remus in a Teddy fic, I feel the tears coming because he is my All Time Favorite Character. So you definitely made me cry on that. One tense problem right there. I'm pretty sure it should read -Now, he was torn.-
So...did he cheat on her or did he drink out of that man's glass?
Okay, my overall opinion was that I wanted more. Really, that made a good one shot, but the idea of that being a short story would just be the ultimate. It was really well thought out and very descriptive. One critique is that it seemed to falter. I know with One Shots, they tend to be written in one sitting and that a writer starts to get tired after a bit, it kinda showed here. In the first third of it, it was very detailed and lingered in a way that fit the story very well. Then with the second third, it started to pick up pace and lose a little of that beautiful detail. By the end, it almost felt rushed, as though you were just trying to get it done.
That being said, still a wonderful piece of work. Thank you for sharing it. :D --Jenna
10/10Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for reviewing. Reviewing as you go is a good idea. =)
The staff challenge for was: "The Challenge: Poison your favorite character. They have only 24 hours to live. And yes, they must die." I love Teddy, but I also love to kill him apparently. =P
I get SO confused with the next generation characters. I can't keep everyone straight. I had to look it up for myself, so I figured I should give that information to my readers as well.
I have never been intoxicated either, but I have studied intoxicated people for this purpose =P Thank you! Drunk speak was my favorite part of this story, actually. I had to read it aloud to see if it sounded realistic. That was fun, too. =P The lost hour: The healer asked Ted when he started to feel bad, and Ted say "About an hour ago." So it was twenty-four hours since the initial intoxication. It took him an hour since getting infected to get to the doctor.
*hands tissues* Sorry about that. But thank you so much.
He drank out of the man's glass. The man had the disease, and Teddy contracted it from his drinking glass.
That is a very good point about it feeling rushed at the end. I'd like to say it was my intention because Teddy was feeling like his time was running out, so I wanted the pacing to match that feeling, but that is untrue. I was just trying to get to the end. I wrote this in one sitting - I remember ending at 4am. But if anyone asks, I did it on purpose =P Thanks for pointing that out.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your review =) Report Review
Hello, I'm here with your requested review :)
oh wow. I don't know what to say... :o
No, I didn't cry but I honestly can't remember when was the last time I had cried about something so I'm not really the best person for an emotional response. Not that the story itself wasn't touching, it really was and I think that the best part of the whole story was how real it felt.
Even though it was just a fantasy story, it felt real. The emotions were all there, the reasons for Teddy's actions were there, the reality of Teddy and Victoire's relationship was obvious and it offered so much more than what the usual happy-go-lucky Ted/Vic fics do.
I'm not saying they are bad or anything like it, I'm just saying that every couple has their ups and downs and if we witness some of their ups and some of their downs, we feel as if they are somehow more "real".
The only thing that put me off a bit was the whole appearance of a disease out of nowhere. Though, it is a one-shot so it's understandable that some things are just skipped over, especially the ones that aren't THAT important to the story. And since this was more about the characters and emotions, it didn't bother me all that much ;)
It was a really touching, and for some - heartbreaking, story :)Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much ^_^
I'm so glad you felt it was real. That's such a great compliment. =) For some reason, I can't seem to keep Teddy alive whenever I write him =P He always ends up dying in some way or another, leaving Victoire to cry by herself. Maybe I'm just a morbid person.
That's a good point, but how much of a build-up would I have to have for this disease to be real? Perhaps I could have included a magazine article or something of the sort, but I sort of imagined the disease to be something like mono; you can catch it from things like this.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your review =) Report Review
I cried. I did, i cried. Over a story. I cried over a story. An amazing story at that. But i still cried. Maybe i'm just a baby. Or maybe you're just a great writer. I'll go for the latter. It really was a pretty damn good story.
Dee, xAuthor's Response: *hands tissues* I'm sorry you cried! But then again it makes me happy that my writing can evoke such emotion in readers. Thank you so much for this review! It makes me feel so good to know that my writing can touch people. Thank you so much ♥ Report Review
Oh God. Tears on keyboard.
This is so sad, but that's what makes it so amazing. It's incredibly sweet, too. Oh, I love it. So much.
Teddy and Victoire are one of the most adorable couples out there, but I've never read a depressing Teddy/Victoire before. Now that I have, I can truly say that depression T/V is better than fluffy. Definitely.
This was just utterly beautiful. I couldn't find anything bad about it. Oh, I love it. Tears are still on the keyboard. xD
10/10Author's Response: Aw, thank you so much! I really appreciate your review. Teddy/Victoire is comfortable to me to write, and I am enjoying it more and more. Actually, this is the second story involving Teddy and Victoire in which they are young, married, and Teddy dies XD Thanks so much! Report Review
oh my gosh that was soo sad! I loved it tho. very well written. u should do a sequel or something.Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you liked it ^_^ Report Review
Uncle Harry, if I see your mum and dad, Iíll tell them you say hi.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Tears on keyboard.Author's Response: =( I'm sorry! But thanks for your review! Report Review
Aww is it bad my eyes are tearing up :L that was so sweet and really well written! Im going to look at your story list now and read some more. Really amazing! xAuthor's Response: XD Aw, I'm sorry you're crying! But at the same time I'm glad XD Thanks so much for your awesome review! I really appreciate the feedback. ^_^ Report Review
Can't say how much I loved this! Seriously! :'( So sad!!! I cried. Which, according to your summary thing, was what the challenge required - so well done one that! :D
Poor Victoire. He would die lying to her.
And poor Ted, for he would die a liar.
Best two lines EVER! I swear, the story would have amazing even if those were the only two lines.
As for the ending paragraph? So sad! The letter to Harry, and the bit about saying hi to Lily... Author's Response: :D Thank you! I'm glad you liked it, but I'm sorry you were so sad. Well... you know what I mean. XD
I rather liked those lines, too. Thanks for pointing them out. ^_^ Report Review
Hi there! So sorry it took this long to get to the review!
I thought the beginning was really good, and you portrayed Teddy's emotions about Victoire very well. After he found out he was intoxicated though, I sensed a bit of a rush. Why didn't he go straight to Victorie, his wife, and spend the rest of his time with her? That was really the only thing I noticed. Also, you could have made the hours in bold so it would make it easier for the readers.
Other than that, I liked the idea! It was new and original, and it seemed to work well. Good job!
*torrentaldownpour aka lovelyinsaneAuthor's Response: Thank you! Teddy and Victoire are becoming my favorite characters to write, especially together. I'm glad you're enjoying reading them. =)
I didn't want to write about Teddy spending his last moments with Victoire because that's what you were expecting. =) I'm all about doing something weird. =P
Thank you so much! I'm happy to read your review ^_^ Report Review
Ah!!! How can you write such sadness? When I saw this story I thought, "Oh, I have to read this. No one can write depressing amazingness the way she can." That is a compliment, of course, but nevertheless, I feel like crying...
I actually signed up to do this challenge but I backed out because I knew I couldn't make myself write a story with an unhappy ending. So I really admire that you were able to write this! And the plot was so clever, with the times and everything. I loved it. Your one-shots are made of love, you know that? Seriously.
Ah, well, I think I'm rambling. I just thought it would only be fair to leave a review and tell you that this was an amazingly horrible, depressingly lovely story. So there you go ^_^
~CBGAuthor's Response: =( I don't know how I write such sad stuff... I'm really not a sad, depressed person. I'm pretty happy :D Thank you, though! Wow, I didn't know I had a reputation like that. I'm honored ^_^
I ♥ one-shots. Seriously. XD
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your comments ^_^ Report Review
Hey, It's me, Leslie, from TGS here to review as requested. I thought this was very well-written and found myself hanging on as the clock ticked down to Teddy's last moment of life. It was so sweet of him to think of Victoire and wanting to kiss her without giving her the disease before he died by making sure he was safe and wouldn't give it to her. There isn't anything I saw that really needed any critiquing since it was just that well paced with great descriptions of Teddy's last day alive. Great job; 10/10Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so glad to hear you had such a strong reaction. I really appreciate hearing that because I poured my soul into this one. =P Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it ^_^ Report Review
Here I am with your review! This was very very good! I wanted to smack teddy for not going to Victoire right away! Stupid boys lol! It was so touching though! Very well written! 10/10Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you had such a strong reaction to this story. Thank you so much! Report Review
Hello there! Unwritten Curse, here, with the review you requested. :)
I'm just going to comment on things as they come to me. I apologize in advance, because that will probably mean this review will be all over the place. I'll do my best to keep some semblance of order!
but it spilled all over his face and on his clothes. - Typically, I tell people to 'show' rather than 'tell,' and I can never show them where to improve. But here I've found a line! Instead of just saying it spilled, show the drink trickling down his chin. Show it darkening the fabric of his shirt. Go crazy! :P
Oh wow. Twenty four hours to live? That hit me. Especially after he'd been questioning if this was the life he wanted, and now this... I'm sure he's regretting all of his doubting. I'm afraid to keep reading, because I already know I'm going to cry. :( Just a quick note, though. I think you could've made the moment in which he learned his diagnosis a bit more impactful. It felt a bit rushed, and because of that, my emotional reaction wasn't as strong as it could've been. Just a bit of tweaking, and it'll be great! It's already good, so don't stress too much. ;)
The only time they would be able to watch one together would be this one, if she was watching, and if she would be willing to count this as Ďtogether.í - Yep, here come the tears. What a beautiful concept. They are watching it together, in a sense. *sigh*
Wait, he's contagious?! As in, he can't see her before he dies?! NO! D:
I'm typing this through tears. What a beautiful ending. I'm so glad he got to kiss her one last time. I can't even imagine how hard it must have been to lie next to her and know he wasn't going to wake up with her... and to not even be able to tell her about it! He let her yell at him and just took it. Clearly, he wanted the last few hours to be simple, easy, just like they used to be. Poor Victoire. Gosh, how powerful was that!
I also liked the formatting, how you showed us snippets of his last day and told us the timing of each. I could almost see the time passing - it was almost like a slideshow of his last hours. I appreciated that. It was also very effective, because it made the day feel shorter, which I'm sure it was for Teddy. He knew he was dying, so time sped up.
His reactions going through the day were nicely done. He started with thinking about Victoire, then felt sorry for himself, then thought about all the things he'd never get to do, etc. I felt myself going through the cycle with him. He was very mature about it all. I'm not sure I'd be that strong. Great job with not over-doing the dramatics, too. It would be so easy to do in this situation, but you kept it under control.
Okay, no more of my rambling. 8.5/10 for you. Great work. Please feel free to come back and request again for any of your other stories. I really enjoy your work. :)
GinaAuthor's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you liked this piece!
I understand what you mean about showing rather than telling, but I thought that for this particular instance, since the glass spilled quickly, I should write it in real-time. Taking the time to write about the fabric of his shirt getting dark with the drink seeping into it would be lovely, but it would read too long. I wanted it to be short and simple, because that's how it happened. Thank you!
It's interesting that you'd point out the fact that he'd been questioning the place his life was going and then be presented with the twenty-four-hours-to-live bomb. I didn't think of it in such simple terms, but I suppose that's exactly what it is. XD You're right; I should have expanded on the moment he got the news. I suppose I was just so excited to get into it that I blew over that too quickly. =P
Aw! -hands tissues- I'm sorry I made you cry, but then again I'm not XD I entered this in Rin's Make Me Cry Challenge, so if it worked on you, it might work on Rin too, eh? XD In any case, I'm so happy that this story got such a strong reaction out of you. I didn't think I wrote it in strong words, but apparently if it got you to cry, I did something right. =)
I didn't want to dwell too much on each timestamp for that reason. I knew readers wouldn't want to read too much drama at once. I tried to keep melodrama to a minimum. =)
Thank you so much! I love your reviews - they're so detailed and helpful. I'll definitely be back when I have something else I'd like your opinion on. Thanks again! Report Review
Such a heartbreaking story. *sniff* It was sad the way Teddy had to die. Especially the letter at the end! That's just a tear breaker itself. What a great story. I really enjoyed this.Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you were touched by it. Your review means a lot. Thank you so much! Report Review
Hmm...this was really good! I love Next Gen. and you really delivered the goods! You portrayed a couple in a troubled maraige MAGNIFICANTLY and I think that that, along with the limited time Teddy had, made this such an extraordinary one-shot. It was sort of realistic when you set the scene in a bar...obviously Teddy had major issues. The bartender, even though he was OC, was very good too! I loved every character you put in here, because I felt like you truly knew them.
If I would have to give a criticism, it would be that the trip to St. Mungo's was a little too quick. But with only a one-shot, waht can you do?
The end made me cry. I don't think anyone who read this had a dry eye=]] Good job! My favorite part was when Victoire asked Teddy for a kiss goodnight but he wouldn't give it to her. It made me sad =[[ which would be a good thing!
Please, do me a favor and post in my review thread again. Your writing is so refreshing to read I'm jealous!
Constants.Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you liked it! It's good to know I portrayed their marriage nicely - I've never been married and I really have no idea what it's like to be in that kind of relationship =P Thank you so much! I really liked the bartender XD
Exactly. I would love to go into detail with some of these ideas, but it's just a one-shot. =/
Aw! I'm sorry I made you cry, but that was the goal XD
Thank you! I'll definitely stop by your thread again! I love your reviews ♥ Report Review
Oh my gosh, this is so sad! And weird! And sad! But I loved it...even though it's sad.
You do a lot of good internal dialogue and it helps to build up Ted's character and create tension in the plot. I love how you bring in the state of marriage as the spring board from which you let the plot jump off. We see so much of these two falling in love, but very little afterwards...
The disease bit I find to be very strange, and a little jarring. It doesn't seem to mesh as well with the story as it could, probably because you introduce it so suddenly and you do not explain where it came from, how wide it's spread...any other details you'd see included in a story featuring some sort of fatal virus/sickness/disease outbreak. Still though, I wonder if in explaining it more fully you'd end up sacrificing a lot of your tension, emotional focus and pacing control. I don't know...
I almost wished that Victiore had gotten sick too, but that's only because like the Japanese, I love it when my lovers die together. Or maybe that's just my inner-Shakespeare speaking, who knows. Anway, it's more bittersweet that she didn't...
This was a great bizzare read and I'm glad you were lovely and bold enough to propose it to me. Thanks Illia! 9/10
BBAuthor's Response: XD Thank you! I'm so glad you liked it.
This is actually the second story I've written where Ted and Victoire are married, and Ted ends up dying. o_O XD
I understand what you mean about the disease. I should have blended it into the plot a bit more. Thanks for pointing that out. =) But I also agree with you - I quite like the mysterious feel that goes along with this disease, and I wonder if describing it more would get rid of that...
XD I know what you mean. It would have taken on a whole new feeling if Victoire had died too. But I just couldn't see Teddy as the selfish kind of person who would knowingly kill her with his disease, you know?
Thanks so much for the review! It was very kind of you to accept my request even though this story goes against your rules =) Report Review
I frowned, if that counts for anything. Didn't cry, but I'm no crier! I was bummed at the end. Poor Tedster.
I will say I found his death anticlimactic though. The story was amazing, and I'm sure it turned out how you hoped. That's my only qualm.Author's Response: XD Yes, it counts. Thank you. Anticlimactic, huh? Well, I understand. But I didn't want it to be too dramatic to the point where it's cheesy, you know? I didn't want to overdo it, and I thought that if I made his death dramatic and OMG, it would have crossed the line. Thanks! Report Review
Hey, it's SnitchSnatcher from TGS with your requested review!
I don't know where to start as it feels like my mind's been ninja-ed by this story, so if my review jumps around and doesn't make much sense, that's why. So, here goes nothing!
This was wonderful. Beautifully written and obviously well thought out. Even though I knew it was a one-shot, it felt like I've just finished a short story. The introduction was absolutely fabulous. It established Ted's character without going into too many details. The way you described him drunk, well, it made me feel like I actually knew him when he was sober too. And for a drunk man, he's got a pretty impressive train of thought, lol.
I loved the style in which you wrote this piece. Starting with the contraction of the disease to the very end. Like I said, it made it feel more like a short story than a one-shot. In particular, I liked the shorter scenes during the final day he has left. The sunrise and noon were quite possibly two of the most simplistically beautiful scenes that I've read in a very long time, so kudos to you.
Hm, what to hit on next? The characters themselves! I really liked your characterization of Ted. He wasn't your typical Golden Boy who fell in love with the gorgeous Victoire Weasley, and their relationship wasn't perfect. I liked the flaws in it, the fact you actually gave substance to their very realistic fight. Though I'm not married, I'm sure every newly married couple has similar doubts, especially when marrying so young. Also, I liked your Victoire, even if I thought she was jumping to conclusions a little too soon. I mean, sure, if your husband is gone the entire night and doesn't call, there is some room for suspicion. I just wish that Ted could've gotten a word in to let his wife know.
Last but not least, I loved the way you made him say his goodbyes. They weren't full of sobbing and heartbreak. He did them quietly, which is the type of goodbye that best fits his situation, especially since it was so surprising. The touch with the ink was very clever as was the film coated lips. Though I must admit, when I read that part my mind immediately when to that horrific film known as "Batman and Robin" where Robin kisses Poison Ivy and after he doesn't die, he says "Rubber lips" and peels them off. So, even though that was a serious bit, I chuckled ever so slightly.
All in all, this was fantastic. The idea was so very original and I like that I still don't know exactly what the disease is. It adds an air of intrigue. Mystery. And I like that. In other words, this was great and I'm so happy that you requested this review from me! It was a pleasure to read.
MollyAuthor's Response: Thank you! XD Ninja'd, huh? That's a wonderful compliment.
Thank you. It's interesting that you mentioned it feeling like a short story, because I wrote it thinking that way, too. XD I may have gone into too much deep thinking when he was drunk, but I had to establish him as a sober man as well.
Thank you so much! I actually just let the words flow out of me for this piece. I sat down, opened a new document, and wouldn't allow myself to get up until I finished. Thank you =)
I really like writing Teddy/Victoire because of their relationship. It was only mentioned in the books so I feel like I have so much to explore. I'm not married either, but it just felt sort of right to have this marriage have some problems.
I would have died of fluff if he had died with trumpets and fanfare. I'm glad you liked the way I wrote this ending =) XD I haven't seen that, but I can understand.
Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it ^_^ Report Review
Hey! Here, from the forums with your review. (:
Wow. That was... really sad. But beautifully written. (:
I loved the times that you put in, they really helped with the flow of the story, even though it seemed to be... not really jumpy, but not completely smooth. It wasn't a bad thing, it really fit the story well.
I loved the idea for this plot, and how you kept us in the dark about things. Like, what the letter said, and how the kiss wouldn't kill Victoire. I was wondering about that, actually; after his longing to kiss her, it didn't seem like he'd just kill her like that.
About that, however, I think I should mention one thing: Why did he wait to kiss her, if he knew he was okay? I mean, I know he couldn't just outright do it, because that would've kind of tipped us off to it, but that seemed a bit... odd to me.
I like this portrayal of Ted. It's different from how I've read him before, and the same with Victoire. Why, though, did she think he didn't love her? Was it just her paranoia, or was there something he did? Also, why did she think he'd been cheating on her; was it because he wouldn't kiss her, or because of the disease?
I like the suspense throughout the story, as I alluded to above. It really flows well, and I'm sorry I've said it so many times, but it does. (:
Oh! And Teddy's drunk-speak is really well done. I could kind of hear him in my head, and he sounded drunk. Which is good. :D
The 'Noon' paragraph is beautifully written. It's heartbreaking, and yet seems so true of what someone in his condition would be thinking. ):
The plot has somewhat been done before, yes, but you managed to make it original.
Ah! The letter, at the end. It was really, really sad, and touching. Especially the last line; it put a tear in my eye.
I really enjoyed this, in case you couldn't tell. (: Thanks for requesting, and feel free to re-request for any other stories! I love your writing style.
-JasmineAuthor's Response: Thank you! The idea for adding the time stamps came to me when I first planned this. I didn't know how else to show a lot of time passing without being boring. I kind of pictured this as a film when I was writing it, and if I were writing a film, that's what I would do. =)
I understand your criticism. For the sake of the story it had to be that way, AND I wanted to get the point across that Teddy was still scared to kiss her - what if what the Healer had done wouldn't work? I just thought he should still be cautious, you know? =)
She thought he didn't love her because he was out all night and all day, and when he got home he refused to kiss her. Suspicion seemed right for her, don't you think? I thought of the disease kind of like mono (the kissing disease XD) It's kind of taboo to get it, because it's the kissing disease.
=D I was worried about his drunk speak! Thanks!
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your review and I will definitely be back for more requests ^_^ Report Review
Hi Ilia! I'm here with your review from TGS!
I think it goes without saying that you're an exceptional writer. As far as all the basic components of writing go, you have it all nailed down.
I really like your use of timestamps to map what was happening at each point during the day -- I haven't read any other entries for this challenge yet, so I'm not sure how many people have decided to do the same thing, but I still like it, especially given how Ted chose to spend his day -- that is, to just do something, anything, until his time ran out.
That brings me to Ted's character, which I loved. He was really a guy (yay!) He acted precisely as many guys do -- in fact, a lot about him reminded me of one of my ex-boyfriends, as far as his mannerisms and things like that. That's a good thing, not a bad thing, by the way -- you didn't girl him up or anything. I'll admit I'm a sucker for romances where the guy is all sweet and sensitive and loves his girl and everything, but I think a lot of female writers struggle with writing male characters because men and women really are quite different in their behavior, emotions, psychology, etc.
A lot of people would have had Ted spend his last remaining day by Victoire's side, but you had him withdraw from other people, which I think is quite a natural response to something like this. And the things he did were mundane yet poignant. He didn't say, Alright, I'm gonna die, so I gotta go skydiving, save some orphans in a runaway bus, etc. He watched a sunrise, watched people going to school and work, and he mainly sat and thought about a lot of things. I really enjoyed how you just gave a little snippet of what he was doing at each time you listed -- you didn't go on and on, you just touched on his thoughts in a way that made it clear what was going on in his mind.
I liked how Ted just sort of seemed to accept his death and waited more or less calmly for it. However, I did think that he seemed to accept what had happened to him a little too quickly when the Healer first told him he was infected. It just seemed like the Healer told him he had less than 24 hours to live, and in that same moment Ted started thinking about what he'd do with the rest of his day. I think that, when someone receives news like that, I would just expect a little more stunned silence and Uh, excuse me, did I hear you right? Let's try this again. While Ted was obviously upset about it, he sort of accepted the Healer's diagnosis right away, where I would normally expect some resistance or denial.
I was also curious about the fact that Ted was walking around London looking like death, with his pale face and black lips, and I wondered how he could just wander into coffee shops and things like that without causing other people to run screaming in the opposite direction -- because he didn't get his appearance fixed until the following night, when he went to St. Mungo's again.
And then this next part is not criticism; I just want to make sure I understood what was going on correctly. So this disease that Ted got, is one that's most often transmitted through sexual contact? I assumed that based on the fact that the businessman (who probably was at a strip club) had it, and based on Victoire's freaked out reaction when she thought he had some disease -- did she think it was this one, or another disease? And I assumed Ted got it because, in his drunken haze, he drank the other guy's drink and not his own.
It made me sad, but I liked how Victoire was left with quite a bit of regret after Ted's death. It was a good point to make; quite often we mistreat each other so much, not thinking about how someone could die the next day and then we'll really wish we'd treated them differently.
The letter was a perfect way to end this. I loved this line: Uncle Harry, if I see your mum and dad, Iíll tell them you say hi.
This was such a great read. Thanks for requesting! (I'm also really glad I can give back to you a little bit, since you do so much for me as a beta.) ^_^
MelanieAuthor's Response: Wow. You are awesomesauce.
To hear that I am an 'exceptional writer' from you is one of the best compliments I could ever receive, because I think your writing is of such a higher caliber than mine. Thank you so much.
That, and that Ted was a guy. I'm a girl. So writing guys is definitely a stretch for me. I'm always scared that when I write guys they will either sound girly, or like I'm a girl trying way too hard to sound like a guy. But I'm so glad you thought he was manly XD
I would have choked on the fluff if he'd spent his last day with Victoire. That didn't seem right for him, you know? Thank you =)
That's a good point. I should have added some more shock initially. Thanks for pointing that out. =)
Yes, I understand what you mean. That's what I was trying to get across when the people saw him and crossed to the other side of the street. I mentioned it once and I didn't want to go through it every time he went somewhere, you know? I figured it would get tedious. Thank you for mentioning that.
Well, I kind of thought of the disease as some extreme form of mono. Mono can be contracted through shared glasses (like it was here) but it is more commonly called the Kissing Disease, which is why Victoire was upset. She jumped to conclusions too soon, and once she was at "You have that disease!" she automatically assumed he'd gotten it by kissing. Does that make sense?
Thank you so much for understanding the big picture! Wow. I'm so glad you got that. I want to make people think of the people in their lives whom they love.
Thank you so much! This is way more than 'giving back'. I ♥ you. Report Review
Awww, I felt like crying! That was so sweet. And just from those comments you can tell I'm a girl, hahaha. But seriously, I really liked it in a depressing kind of way.Author's Response: Aww! I'm sorry, but that was the feeling I was going for XD Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it, in a depressing kind of way =P Report Review
Hi Ilia! This is Wildheart from TGS, here with your review.
This was... incredible. Heart-breaking. The kind of story I have to sit around and think about for a while because of the emotion it stirred in me. This will be where my mind wanders when I think about twenty-four hours or poison.
The scene with Teddy in the bar -- retching in the bathroom, vision blurring, blood on his lips -- was one of my favorite parts, although I do have to wonder why he felt ill immediately after contracting the disease, but then never again? Was it the nature of the poison, or because he had been drinking as well?
One tiny inconsistency I noticed -- at the beginning, it says Ted was only ever called "Teddy" by Victoire, and even then only sparingly and affectionately. For the most part this stayed true in the story, but towards the end everyone seemed only to call him Teddy. Even when Victoire was accusing him of cheating, she called him Teddy.
I worship the entire Teddy/Victoire-ness of this fic, how Teddy's love is not reciprocated at all evenly until after his death, when Victoire learns that he specifically went looking for a way to kiss her one last time without putting her in danger.
The final letter from Teddy to the Potters was sweet. Uncle Harry, if I see your mum and dad, Iíll tell them you say hi. Perfect.
I am in awe of this fic, and I only added the couple critical points because I figured you would appreciate that more than the meaningless squeeing I was going to post as my review. xD
Favoriting!Author's Response: Hi! Thank you! I'm so glad you liked it. Wow, I can't believe my little one-shot had that much of an effect on you. I'm so happy! ^_^
Well, he went into the bathroom and started throwing up because of the drinking. After that ordeal, the disease started kicking in, so that's why he looked pale in the mirror.
I was going to change the beginning to say that he was only called Teddy by his family, but I forgot XD Thanks for pointing that out. =)
Wow. Worship? That's awesome! XD Teddy/Victoire is becoming one of my favorite ships to write. I love exploring their relationship.
Ah, the letter. Thank you =)
I do appreciate your criticism very much. Thank you so much for this awesome review! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection