Reading Reviews for Love, Deceit and Lies
  
18 Reviews Found

Review #1, by melian Deceit

22nd December 2009:
i there! Here with your review, and I'm SO sorry that it's taken me so long to get to this. I blame Christmas.

Anyway, the way I tend to do reviews is allow my inner critic to dictate the first part, and I'll outline any grammatical errors, typos and the like that I may have spotted. Then I go to your story.

Now, I didn't spot any typos or anything like that. The only thing I picked up on was this sentence:
She had never been happier whenever Draco was around.
I think it's technically correct, but I also think it would read better if it said, "She had never been happier than when Draco was around." I'm not sure why but it makes more sense to me that way.

Right, enough of that. For a first fic, and a first chapter, you've set things up very well I think. You've established the key relationship (Draco/Hermione), you've set up WHY it's in place (which isn't always the case in Dramiones), you've got her feelings about it, you've got his feelings about it, and you've got a nice bit of deception where no one is telling the whole truth but each of them think they're hoodwinking the other. I particularly liked that both of them were in the relationship to use the other and didn't think it was anything more than that, but there were enough doubts in their minds to push the story along a bit.

Overall, I think this is a very good first chapter and the story has a lot of potential. Keep on writing!

cheers, Mel

Author's Response: Ha! i would blame Christmas too! :D I understand, though. I'm just happy you left me a review, to be quite honest.

That's a really good way to review, but I've never had the patience and eye for that, so now I'm really impressed :D

Hmmm...That sentence? Whoa. I even forgot that I HAD that sentence in my story. Ha. But I see where you're coming from. It makes sense to me too. Either way, the reader would understand what I mean, though, right?

It's amusing to see how readers' reviews differ; some say that I haven't set it up well enough, some think I have, some think I've made it where there was almost no detail, some think I have detail that could fill an entire novel (I may have exaggerated in some parts, :D)

I'm glad you liked that particular part of my story! It's what I was really, er, leaning on, you know?

Yayy! Potential! My first story has potential!

Thanks, Mel! You've made my day!

~Michelle


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Review #2, by Alopex Deceit

6th December 2009:
You asked a few rather specific questions in your review request, which I'll do my best to address.

Is it too short for the first chapter? I don't think the length is as important as the contents. I've read prologues and opening chapters that are this length, and it's perfectly fine. I've read opening chapters five times this long, and they don't work. It just depends. I think this length could work as an opening chapter or prologue. However, I feel it is a bit too fragmented . . . there are like three POV changes, which I think is rather a lot for under 1000 words.

Is it too vague? No. I had a pretty good idea of what was going on. It seemed obvious to me. Of course, I do have a few questions about some things, but this is normal after reading only one chapter of a story. The types of questions I have are the questions I typically have after reading initial chapters, so I think you're on track so far with making things clear.

Does it seem cliche? Erm . . . yes? A Dramione involving a pregnancy? A Dramione involving spying with the Order and Death Eaters? Seems like I've come across those ideas a time or twenty. However, I can't make a definitive judgement after one chapter. Besides, a cliche isn't automatically bad. I give a pass on cliches if I find characters engaging and believable, generally.

Anything else I want to comment on. Ok. It just so happens you hit on a huge pet peeve of mine: The announced, italicized flashback. It's clumsy. I'm sure you're a better writer than that. I'm sure you can work the information in differently. I'm not entirely opposed to flashbacks in italics, but when they sort of come out of the blue like that, it's really jarring. (And your readers should know it's a flashback . . . you don't really have to tell them.)

It's nice if you can provide some sort of lead-in to the memory. What triggers Hermione's memory? Why does she think of it at that particular moment? Does the flashback have to occur at that particular moment? I think the flashback interrupts the flow of the story . . . this chapter seems a bit disjointed to me. You have I think three separate things happening, and if they were organized or combined differently, it might flow better. Maybe if each bit was expanded a bit, that would help.

Here's one thing that stood out to me as a potential strength in this story. It's right there waiting to be brought out. The tension and force between Malfoy and Hermione. You have it set up perfectly for a really interesting dynamic. I mean, there's the Veritaserum, the spying, the betrayal, the attraction, the pregnancy . . . that's a boatload of drama there, and the force of the characters alone could draw people in and propel this story if you can keep your chapters organized.

Author's Response: I tend to be specific, although I'm told I'm not very detailed in this story so far, :D.

I'm really working on writing longer chapters, but I really appreciate that you think length is no issue here, and I see how fragmented it is, now that you've pointed it out.

Details have really been an issue for me.
And yeah, I've encountered that plot a few times myself.

Oh. Ouch. I was really hesitant about that. You see, I've read stories with unannounced flashbacks, and reviewers are sometimes whining, "Oh, I'm so confused! What was that part in this chapter, yadda yadda yadda." No joke. But I see how it could be...ah, irksome to an observant reader. The flow...is very choppy in this chapter, and I really should fix that :/

Ha, well, I liked setting up the drama, and thought it would, you know, pull the readers in, like you mentioned.

I'm ecstatic that you left such an amazing, honest review!

A billion (and one) thanks,
Michelle



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Review #3, by blueirony Deceit

2nd December 2009:
I have to confess from the start that I am utterly confused. I'm not kidding. I'm just sort of... staring at the chapter, wondering how it ties in together. It doesn't make that much sense to me. Allow me to elaborate.

What seems to be here are three very distinctly different events.

The first, an admission of love between the two. That is a very simple and poignant scene. I don't know what I can about it other than it's simple, true and to the point. It definitely sets up the main relationship of the story in the first few lines of the first chapter.

The next is perhaps what confuses me the most. It seems that Harry knows about the relationship between Hermione and Draco. However, what I do not understand is whether Hermione intends to kill Draco out of her own volition or if she is carrying out an order or a mission. Nowhere in Harry's speech does it seem like Hermione has been ordered to kill him. Yet, there is all that about it being the last sunset that Draco will ever see, and how she has to kill the person who she has shared herself with the most. I don't want to be rude. But I am honestly very confused.

And then the third part of the chapter. The part where Draco faces Lord Voldemort. Again, I am struggling to understand what is happening. It seems as though the Order had given him veritaserum, got the truth out of him, performed a memory charm on him and then fed him false information. I hope that is what you meant. But what I do not understand is why. And how it came about. And why Hermione cast the memory charm.

And then there was also all those hints about Hermione being pregnant? Her touching her abdomen and him never knowing his children or grandchildren?

I don't want you to be disheartened! I really don't. You write very well. Each 'part' in itself is really well written. They really are. I just do not quite understand how the three of them tie together. Perhaps that was your intention. I do realise that this is just the first chapter. And I do not want to make too many hasty judgements. Perhaps you want the reader to be intrigued from the outset. Perhaps you deliberately left it vague. Or, perhaps, I am just too loopy to understand plain English, haha.

What am I trying to say here... Hmmm.
I guess the bottom line is this: this is only the first chapter. It is perfectly fine to dangle some carrots in front of the readers to see whether they make a grab for them or not. It's ok to be a little vague. However, maybe you could provide just a little more backstory to this? But then, I almost don't want you to. Because that would kind of ruin the first chapter. I don't even know what I want you to do! Haha. Maybe I just need to read the next few chapters.

You know, while reading this, I was honestly and genuinely confused. But I kind of... liked it? In some weird and twisted way? It's like a puzzle. I don't understand how to solve it, but I know that I just need more pieces. The next few chapters are going to be the pieces and I want them now. In the meantime, I like being confused.

You probably think I'm a nutter. (And rightly so)! But I don't think you should really pad anymore on to the first chapter. I just hope the your next chapters fill in the gaps. Until then, consider me a very intrigued reader who probably just wasted an entire review telling you absolutely nothing to help you. And for that, I am sorry. Oh, no, wait! I can help you! You asked in your request whether this was cliche. I am here to tell you that it's not. Well. I don't actually know. Because I don't quite get it. Oh, man. Now I'm starting to confuse myself...

I really hope you don't think I hate this story! Because somewhere in there, buried between my babble, is me saying that I really did like this first chapter. Even though I had no freaking clue what was going on. Lmao. Take that as you will.

I'm just going to stop. I'm starting to crack myself up which is never a good sign. You may need a magnifying glass to actually find anything of substance in this review. And I am sorry for that. But, by all means, ask me to review again once you have a few more chapters up! Because I do really want to know what happens next. I do!

Ju :]

Author's Response: O_o
I'm very much confused. Your review was greatly appreciated...but I'm not sure...um...so..it's intriguing and confusing to you...that much I understand.

Thanks for the review!


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Review #4, by xLostxFaithx Deceit

1st December 2009:
Hi! This is FicNastyyy__ from the forums.

Alrighty, I'm a HUGE Dramione shipper so I'm prejudice to love your story before I even begin. haha

However there are a few things of CC I would like to add:

I feel like a little more description here is necessary. There is A LOT of stuff going on in this chapter, and yet it's pretty short. I think especially in the first part, before the flashback, you could add a little more detail it would be less confusing. That is obvisouly after the two of them started their fake-but-not-really-fake relationship, and before Draco was killed, but was it before Hermione was pregnant? After? Were they meeting because one, the other, or both needed more information, or was this a secretly planned meeting that wasn't part of their "missions" at all? Also when Hermione is talking about the child she is pregnant with, maybe add a little more description that would SHOW us her emotion, rather than just telling us? I think that would help slightly.

Here's what I liked:

The flashback. That was definitely the best part of this chapter. It was descriptive and emotional. I felt the dire need of this situtation and sympathized Hermione immensely. Although may be just a LITTLE more background info in that part too could be helpful, but other than that, that section was very well written!!

Also, the premise of this story in general. Like I said, I love Dramione / Forbidden Love stories. I think you have a very good and promising start here and I will definitely be tuning in for more!!

Good Luck and cannot wait to read more!! =]

Author's Response: Hey there! Haha, DRAMIONE SHIPPER!
And yes, I'm going to have to work on my description.

Thanks for the review


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Review #5, by kandekisses Deceit

1st December 2009:
First off I must say, I love the title!

Now about the chapter, I honestly loved it. Yes it was short and a little confusing but it made me want to read more. The beginning was absolutely crazy, I was not expecting that at all!

So lemme see if I got this right. BOTH Hermione&Draco are acting as spy's but they have started to catch real feelings for each other? Interesting. &Then Hermione and the rest of the Order have a plan to kill Draco. While Draco and the death eaters think they are getting insider information from the "silly mudblood". But low and behold the Order had already given Draco veritaserum, and Hermione of all people erased his memory so he has no idea! Oh my goodness! Oh and lets not forget there is a baby involved now. Wow a lot of twists there.

I wouldn't worry about it being cliche, its all about how you write it and I must say I haven't came across this plot yet. I think you did a very good job dear! Your writing style is great. =)

Could you do me a favor and re-request this story when the next chapter is out? I would love to see what happens next!

Author's Response: Yay! I'm so happy you love this story! My writing style is great? It's not cliche at all? Yay, thanks! And yes, I planned for this to have many, many twists.

I'll request when the next chapter is out!


Thanks for the review!


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Review #6, by confusedlover Deceit

29th November 2009:
very lovely.

first off, i must apologize for the great delay in getting to this story. you requested for a review on my thread weeks ago and i haven't found the time to get to it until then. i am terribly sorry. nano took over my life and i am just recovering from my first experience of it. i am sure you understand but please know that this wait was not intentional at all. i never like to keep people waiting whether they realize they are waiting or not.

i thought that this was definitely a wonderful start to a story. seriously, i was great. you really have an interesting plot, something that i have yet to read on this site. sure some of the aspects are the same but you are really striving off of your own individuality with this one and i love it when i see that take place, especially as a new author to this site. it's great to see that you are not too afraid to express your works publicly. that is a very helpful trait to possess early on.

your flow is in very splendid condition so far. naturally, that is subject to change with your future chapters but as of now i think you are doing a great job with it. the one thing that does sort of interrupt your flow however is the past/present/point of view thing that you have going on. separate your different points/views a bit better than what you have so far. if you need help with it just send me a PM on the forums and i can work with it. the way you have it right now just gets in the way a bit and i am convinced that it would look better if you made a few minor adjustments.

your characterization so far is doing alright. i never like to judge characters with their first appearance into the story so therefore i won't do that to yours. at some points they do seem to be a bit OOC but then again this is only the first chapter and i only got a small dose of them in both the past and present. i am sure they will straighten out a bit later on if they need to.

overall i thought that this was a lovely chapter with a wonderful plot. you did a nice job of just giving us readers a brief overview rather than a full out description of everything. nice work. again, if you need any help with anything that i have mentioned needs some improvement feel free to contact me on the forums and i will be more than pleased to help you. sorry again about the wait but i am sure that you're not too worried about it. you probably forgot all about your request anyways. feel free to request again on my thread anytime that you wish. i promise to be a ton quicker next time if you do. also, i would love to see where you take this story so therefore i would love it if you notified me with a fresh request when you happen to update. thanks for your patience! lovely job on this introductory chapter. keep up the wonderful work.

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Review #7, by shesXaXfake Deceit

25th November 2009:
It's a bit confusing, honestly. They're really in love, right? But Voldemort is making Draco believe he really still hates Hermione by altering his memories? So what's the veritaserum for? What are they making him forget?
It was written well, as far as grammar and structure goes. Your decriptions were written fairly well, also. However, this one-shot is far too short. We don't understand how or why Draco and Hermione got together. And afterall, that's the beauty of Dramione! Being able to see them together and witness that struggle. For this reason, they were totally OOC.

Author's Response: Ahh, yes. Finally. I've been waiting for a review like this: lots of ConCrit.
Thanks! :D I needed a wake up call like this! Haha!

They will be in love, later on, but they are starting to have feelings for each other but not completely love. The Order messed with his memories.


See, this first chapter was to confuse my readers, THEN explain it more as it goes along, but I'm really sorry I made it so confusing that it'd be THAT difficult to read. :(
Yes, that's what I love about Dramione too. Otherwise, it's totally cliche.
So thanks so much for the review!

Peace, love, and chocolate,
Michelle


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Review #8, by _Lady Marauder_ Deceit

24th November 2009:
Hello darling! Chelsea here with your review!

First of all, that was a beautiful start! It literally put butterflies into my stomach! and then...*slap* what??? Draco is dying? Dear Lord say it ain't so!

"now that you've got the information we need" hmm, was Hermione used as a spy to seduce Draco and get information out of him? Sorry if that is a weird, specific guess as to how their relationship started, but Im writing a one-shot kind of like that based off of John Mayers, "Assassin" so thats why it came to mind :]

Ok...uh oh, Hermione this is not good! They have to kill your baby daddy!?! This is all so dramatic (all this drama in 900 words!) that I am just sitting here with little goosebumps on my arms.

You said you thought it might be too weird or vauge in your concerns. True, it is vauge but I think that adds to it rather than taking away from it. I find myself desperately needing to know what happend next! And definately not cliche! (well, all Dramione's are cliche to a certain extent, but you know what I mean).

I really liked this first chapter, and I think it has potential to be awesome! Please re-request when you have new chapters up if you'd like!

Cheers!
~~Chelsea

Author's Response: Hello there Chelsea!

Really? The start was...beautiful? Wow, that's first, haha. I'm glad you liked it.

And yes, Hermione was a spy...sort of in a twisted way...mwahaha! It's a good guess, though.

Yup, yup, they want to kill him. Oh thanks, drama is what I'm aiming for here.

Ahh, okay, but I meant vague in a bad way, so thanks. Yes, Dramiones are cliche to a certain extent, I agree.

Thanks so much for the review!

Peace, love, and chocolate,
Michelle


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Review #9, by Writrchick Deceit

24th November 2009:
Here I am! Review time. :)
For the first chapter, it was pretty good. The beginning paragraph seemed a little cliche. The story jumped around a lot, so it was kind of confusing in some points. But other than that, it was good. For further chapters, I would recommend trying to keep things clear. Because of Hermione's pregnancy, things could get pretty cliched later on, so I would try to keep things original. But I am very interested in what happens. Update soon!

Author's Response: Yes, yes. It seemed so..ick, but that's for a reason, and I'm glad you reminded me about that :)
I wanted it to be as intriguing for my readers as possible, but not too confusing, so thanks for the heads up!
I'll try and clear things up a bit, and don't worry, originality is definitely what I'm going for here :D
Thanks so much for your review!

Peace, love, and chocolate,
Michelle


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Review #10, by dracos_hotter Deceit

31st October 2009:
Here from the forums!

It's rather... short. Petite. Bite size. Whatever.

Confusing, but I guess it'll all be explained.

I reckon, with the opening, you could rearrange it so it's a little more effective. As it is, it slips into the story well, I just feel it could grab my attantion better.

Gah! Grammar! Capitals at beginnings of sentences!

Ahem.

All in all, quite good, a good start, feel free to resubmit when you update...

xE

Author's Response: Thanks for your review!

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Review #11, by Illuminate Deceit

25th October 2009:
This is a good start to what I think is an interesting story. It does seem a little complicated though (Does Hermione love him, does he love her, the whole Veritaserum thing) and I think it kind of needs to be explained. Nice angle on the pregnancy, though.

I do have a niggle though. Voldy is the most powerful mind reader the world has ever seen, I don't think Draco will be able to cover his real thoughts that easily.

Otherwise, it looks pretty good, well done :)

Author's Response: I try to confuse my readers :) Makes it fun to write, haha. I will explain it, though. Yeah, I thought that angle would be a nice touch.

I see where you're coming from, but my little excuse for that would be that as he grew up, he had practice, and didn't experience as much emotion as others? I'm not really good with my explanations, hehe.

Thanks so much for your review!


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Review #12, by Remus Deceit

23rd October 2009:
Hi! Sorry it has taken me pretty much forever to read your story! I feel bad but I've finally gotten to it and I'm quite...sad! Its such a short chapter!

I'm honestly not a fan of Hermione/Draco BUT I'll still read them. This one...is interesting! I really want to know what happens next! Is she going to do it? Dun dun duuun!

Anyway!

Characters: Hermione seemed a little OOC but I guess she would have to be in order to be with Malfoy. Harry, also a little OOC...I don't know why. I guess its the fact that he never, no matter what, was a killer? He would never kill I think...I mean, he even saved Goyle or was it Crabbe (I need to re-read book 7) from the fire along with Malfoy.

Grammar: Everything looked fine with me, so kudos there. :)

Overall a very good job on a Hermione/Draco fic so feel free to re-request when you update again :)

--Remus/Perelandra

Author's Response: Aww, man! I'm sorry I disappointed you with the length of this chapter, as I have done with a lot of reviewers :(

I'm glad you think it's interesting, though.

I tried to avoid making Hermione OOC, but okay, I see how she would seem like it. Hmm.I understand about Harry being OOC, maybe I exaggerated a bit?

So, thanks for the honest review, I appreciate it!

Peace, love, and chocolate,
Michelle


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Review #13, by harrylilyjames Deceit

11th October 2009:
Hey, here with my review!

The beginning was a bit cheesy, but it would be nice if you expanded on it and described it a bit more, because to me, it felt cheesy because it felt rushed at the same time. If you slowed down and wrote about it a bit more, it would become less cheesy. If that makes any sense to you. Also, you might want to expand on each of the scenes, because the chapter is rather short.

But it's brilliant for your first fic on here!! Seriously, my first one was a shambles- not saying that my fics aren't now, my god, some of them are still dreadful!! so great job!

Okay, let me get this straight, Hermione is pregnant and she hasn't told anyone, and the order told Draco the wrong information which he told the Dark Lord?

I never read Draco/Hermione, so completely I'm totally out of my comfort zone right now, but I enjoyed this first chapter a lot!

Author's Response: Hey there!

Aah, I see what you're saying. It's just that I wanted to show that so as the reader got into the story, they would understand why I put that part at the beginning.

Yes, the chapter is rather short, but as I was writing this, I was planning on leaving it as a one-shot. Eh.

Aww, really? It's brilliant? Thank you! :)

Yes, and yes. xD

Well, thanks for reading, and I'm glad you liked the first chapter!

Peace, love, and chocolate,
Michelle


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Review #14, by butter_beer_junky2499 Deceit

9th October 2009:
Yeah for first stories! I love short chapters :) Okay so I have never read a Dramione fic that started out with them together right away, never, but I like it :) I am always open to trying new things, especially when it comes to Harry Potter, well except for slash, that is where I draw the line. So let me get this right, Hermione has to kill her love for the sake of the war? I do not know if I could do that, whether my true love was a spy or whatever or not. I could never murder just anyone in cold blood let alone someone I had given a piece of my heart and soul too. I knew it, I love when pregnancy is tossed into the picture. She will not be able to kill him, she will find another way, so she can keep her family together. So Malfoy is a piece of crap, never mind, let Hermione kill him, she can find a better dad anywhere, like in Ron or Harry, or at least have them as close Uncles for goodness sake, but screw Malfoy, if he is just using her. The last paragraph confused me. But I like that they are going on about this war, you introduced several great points to the plot in this short chapter; a mark of a good writer. I cannot wait to see where you take the story. I didn't notice any typos or grammatical problems so keep updating. And always feel free to request reviews on my bit of the forum. Butter-beer-junky2499 is here for you :) can't wait to see you grow as a writer.

Author's Response: Hey there!

Hehe, thanks. I'm a pretty open-minded person myself.

Um..Not necessarily, but that is the plan. No guarantees that it will be carried out *hand covers mouth* Dang it. Should not have said that. I feel like Hagrid in SS. Jeez.

Thanks, I thought the pregnancy would be a nice touch for some strange reason xD.

Tut, tut, tut. We don't know if Malfoy REALLY is a piece of crap yet. *smacks forehead* Oh, gosh.

I thought the last paragraph would confuse some people, sorry about that.

Eh, I'm not sure if I'm that good of a writer, lol. I'm not sure if I should continue the story or just keep it as a one-shot, so...yup.

Aww, thanks so much for your support! I appreciate it :)

Peace, love, and chocolate,
Michelle


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Review #15, by Celtic_Dreamer7 Deceit

8th October 2009:
Its a good beginning. A little short but good. I can't wait to read more of this. Giving information in the flashbacks are a good way of moving the story along. I like how in just a few short paragraphs the reader knows what has happened and is thrown into the middle of the story. Great job on that. Let me know when its updated. I would love to read more.

~Celtic~

Author's Response: Hey there!

Yes, I know it's a bit short, but that's how I wanted it to be.

Thank you so much! That's just how I wanted it to be!

I will let you know when it's updated.

Thanks again for your wonderful review!

Peace, love, and chocolate,
Michelle


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Review #16, by civilized Deceit

7th October 2009:
Hey! It's civilized from the forums and this is your requested review.

Wow, I want to know more! This is a really exciting story, definitely not your average Dramione story. In fact, when I saw the little story explanation that you have to put when you nominate one for review that yours was a Dramione, I grew weary. I hate Dramione. Honestly, it's my least favorite ship simply because it's all the same. But as I delved into this, I realized that it's completely original and entirely its own.

As for interesting enough, well, my third sentence should've answered that! Haha, but really, this is incredibly good. It's got a lot of different plot lines and it has a load of potential. I can't wait to see where this goes!

You seem to have a good handle on grammar and spelling; I couldn't really find any glaring mistakes.

My only criticism would be that you put a lot of space between each part, and it's all very varied. In short, just make sure every time you press 'enter', you make sure you press it the same amount each time. The reason I would keep it measured is because it's just a little bit distracting.
But that's a tiny thing and it hardly detracts from your story.

Keep going with this! I'll be looking out for future chapters.

Author's Response: Hey there!

Oh my goodness, really?
I felt that it wasn't as original as other Dramiones I've read..

Haha, thanks! I'm still debating on whether or not I should continue or leave it as a one-shot instead, because I'm terrible with plot lines and such xD.

Oh, yes, I see how that would be distracting. Thanks for the advice.

Alright, thanks again for the lovely review!

Peace, love, and Harry Potter,
Michelle


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Review #17, by Burke Deceit

6th October 2009:
Well this is interesting.

The start almost had me running for the hills I admit, but the hesitation in Hermione's voice kept me cautiously reading on.

Is it a one-shot or will you continue with more chapters?

There is a lot that you have revealed in this chapter, about their relationship, Hermione, Draco, the Dark Lord, if it is a one-shot than that is fine, however; if it is a short story, etc. it may be an idea to create more events and spread out the revelations to several different chapters. To build up what the relationship between them is like, what Hermione's life at this stage is life, what Draco's life is like, you have done it briefly, and like I said, if it is a one-shot then it's fine, but by drawing it out and adding more description you'll be painting a more thorough picture for the audience.

The idea is not bad, Hermione has grown 'fond' of Draco (I think that is what she is feeling in anycase) mostly because of the physicality of their relationship and the fact that she is pregnant with his child. Draco is still the same as ever, smug, arrogant etc. etc. and that's good characterisation.

If you put a line break in instead of the word flashback, and keep the flashback in italics that is enough that the reader (if they are intelligent) will understand that it is a flashback. I understand a lot of people here like to put the word flashback there as a full proof, but I believe you don't need to worry, you're flashback is clearly a flashback :-)

Grammer and flow seem good, the story chops from scene to scene quite well despite the short length.

Overall a very good first attempt!

Feel free to re-request with the next chapter or another story :-)

8/10

Author's Response: Yeah, I admit that I didn't like the beginning at first, and I still think it's cheesy, but thanks.

I'm still trying to decide whether or not I'll keep it as a one-shot or continue..

Oh, thank you! I worked as best as I could with the characteriztions and everything...

Hehe, thanks for pointing that out. On some sites though, some people aren't able to tell, so I put that in there. But on the site I don't think that's the case :)

Again, thanks so much for this wonderful review!

Peace, love, and Harry Potter,
Michelle


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Review #18, by Miss Lily Potter Deceit

4th October 2009:
Hey! Here from the forums, with your review. (:

So, the beginning seemed kind of cheesy, but then... it wasn't. xD It's very different from anything I've read before, I'll give it that.

The only thing I'd point out is that you don't need to point out that it's a flashback; it kind of takes the reader out of the story and it'd be all right without it.

It is interesting, yeah. However, it's a bit short. And I have one question; so Draco doesn't love Hermione, but she loves him? And she and Draco had sex, so he's the father of her kid? And... He's going to die? xD That's more then one, sorry...

I really did enjoy this. (: Feel free to re-request when a new chapter's up.
-Jasmine

Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing!

Oh my goodness, really? It's very different from anything you've read before? * dies *
Eeep! Haha.

You're right, thanks for pointing that out.

Yes, it's a bit short, but that's kind of how I wanted it to go..

Answers to your questions: She doesn't love him entirely, but has feelings for him, know what I mean? And yes, he's the father, and you never know..I'm not revealing the answer to that, haha. No problem, I'm happy to answer any question you have.

Aww, thanks so much!
I'm just so giddy right now, because this is my first review and all!

Peace, love, and lemon drops,
Michelle


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