i love this story.
do one favor dnt abandon this story like many others do, its a gud start keep up the gud work. Report Review
wow great story!! please update! the international quidditch idea is really cool and i love your james character.. veryy good Report Review
Wow! Another fabulous chapter.
It was nice to see James and Lily put together more. Her actions aren't at all what I was expecting, but I like that. It's unexpected and new! Just like your characterization of James.
I was a little disappointed in Sirius. I thought he would react better to his best friend and try to help him out. Minor disappointment, but I totally understand where he's coming from.
Excellent job! You're quite talented. I can't wait to see this develop more. Let me know when you've updated. xD
8/10 Report Review
Well, hello! Here with your reviews as requested!
Fantastic chapter. Really. ;) James' attitude is much more likeable than he is really ever portrayed. I love your version of him.
The flow is nice, and I can't wait to see where this is going. However, the grammar made it a little rocky. A few times there were a few commas and what not missing or the spacing would be a little funky. It was just a minor disruption, but it's easy to over look. :)
Great chapter. Onto the next! Can't wait to see some James/Lily action.
8/10 Report Review
Hiya! Sorry this took so long.. been super busy! Anywho. Bout the story. I thought it was really cute! I especially like the idea of a World Cup for Schools... really great idea! I always really liekd how you characterized Lily and James. You managed to show the HUGE improvement his "training" made. Lily was also a sweetie. One thing though, I would definitely add a chapter or a section that has a flashback about James' training. You really didn't give us much detail there. The only other things that I thik could be improved on are dialogue and some minor grammatical stuff. At some points the dialogue was a tad bit awkward. You really need to write how people talk. For example (I'm making this up on the top of my head...), "You are really going to get it!" She said. Okay. SO no one talks like that (at least no one I know...). So either you need to add some adjectives about how she said it, (threateningly, menacingly, etc), italicize stuff to put emphasis on the word, or juts shorten "you are" to "you're." I'm really picky about that kinda stuff...
And then the grammatical stuff... you really only missed a few commas here and there. Nothing major. Just thought I'd point it out. Anywho. Great story. Defintitely keep it up! :O)
Overall, great start to the story so far.
There were a few mistakes in there that could be fixed if you simply read back over the chapter. Also, in my opinion betas are always helpful for writers to improve and develop their writing skills, so I would definitely recommend one.
But, the plot was interesting, very original. I like how you have developed James's character so that he's not an arrogant prankster, but he's actually got a much deeper and more intellectual side. Very good.
I also like how you included the small line about Lily in there, 'He had been sitting at the Gryffindor table with the rest of the marauders scheming new ways to ask out Evans', it adds a little background into the story concerning James and Lily's relationship.
Good job :)Author's Response: Thank you, I always hate how people make him out to be a big idiot. Report Review
wow great beginning!! i loved it. its very original and very creative. i really like it and cant wait to see where this story is going to lead to. it seems like you have a great idea for a story. great job. keep up the good work.
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Thank you so much! Report Review
Fantastic, looks promising for rest of storyAuthor's Response: I appreciate it. Report Review
well i hope the next chapter comes very soon this is great! i love the ideas
hurry please i'm desperate!Author's Response: Chapter 2 is on it's way Report Review
Wow what an interesting, unique idea. I hope you'll expand further on what training James got in his year out as the story progresses, because it sounds very interesting.
You have quite a few grammar errors within the story, but nothing a beta couldn't help with. One thing I noticed was that you tend to use words that mean the same thing in a sentence. For example: 'he had a way of moving with such quick speed that others thought he must have a way of knowing what was coming next.' In this sentence, 'quick' and 'speed' mean the same so you don't have to use them both. Instead, consider leaving it as 'moving with such speed' or 'moving so quickly.'
Another example would be: 'He ran a hand through his hair and vocalized his thoughts aloud.' In this sentence, 'vocalized' and 'aloud' mean the same thing so it is not necessary to put them both.
I liked James' characterisation a lot. Many marauder fics characterise him as a prankster and not much else, so it was nice to read about a highly skilled, well trained wizard instead. You've included Peter in the Marauders as something more than a snivelling little thing in the corner, so you get big points for that :D I'm not going to talk much about the flashback because I see you've already got feedback about that from other reviews. So I'll content myself by saying you don't have to write 'flashback' and 'end flashback'. I could tell it was a flashback without the pointers.
Overall I think you've got a strong beginning here. The grammatical side of your writing can be improved by getting a beta, but the ideas are all there and I look forward to seeing the next chapter!
Thanks for writing. 7/10 :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much those are exactly the little mistakes I'm looking to fix. Report Review
Hey! Interesting story idea! I like the way that you have written Dumbledore and James, both sound very true to character and I also LOVE your original idea on James having rather special powers, and am I right in guessin that it was indeed HIM not Snape that invented the spell tha cuts people up? Even if that was not what you were hinting at, this story has a great unique concept that kept me intrigued the entire way!
Despite this I have a few comments, not regarding the story themselves for the story is great, but rather the grammer-
'He had written down a list of all the spells he’d created but it was stolen months ago by who he thought to be Snape since he had seen them using them.--> He had written down a list of all the spells he had created, but it had been stolen several months ago. He was sure it was Snape as he had seen the other boy using them since then. --> or something to that affect, really the biggest point is that you have 'he had seen them using them' and Snape is only one person :-)
This was nuts to say the least. I mean --> This is not indicated as James' thoughts so this 'I mean' phrase is not suitable.
had been to fight them when he graduated and the was a great opportunity to start --> the should be this
And the moment James stepped off the train and on to the platform at the end of his sixth year his life was forever changed. --> I am pretty sure this should be 'the end of his fifth year'
James remembered all too how the train ride home had been heartbreaking for him knowing that it would be a year until he would be with his friends again. --> all too ? all too what? I believe a word is missing here.
He also still had his same old jet black which --> his jet black hair is my guess, again another missin word :-)
I notice that you start quite a few sentences with 'and' which is not something you should start a sentence with, try finding another way to structure these sentences.
You also use a lot of contractions, perhaps the story would read more professional if you wrote these apart as - was not, could not, etc.
Several sentences are oddly shaped and worded.
Overall I believe this needs a bit of editing as grammatically it is not a great piece of work and this detracts from the story line by making it choppy and difficult to read fluently.
Despite this it is an interesting concept that is really quite intriguing with what seems to be an original plot idea.
Continue the good work, it is a good story base, and several moments are very good and show great promise, you capture Dumbledore and a young James very well so do not be discouraged by my comments please but rather continue to write this great story! :-)
So yes, continue the good work, perhaps get a BETA or just do a little bit more editing when you read in order to ensure that others will be able to enjoy it without being distracted by the small errors.
Good work, look forward to the new chapter :-)
7/10Author's Response: Thank you, I just went through and fixed all that now. Report Review
Hi, here with your review!
Now what I generally do with reviews is let my inner critic loose first and go over spelling and grammatical errors I noticed. Then I go on to your story.
Okay. Grammar nazi stuff first. To be honest I think you could do with a good beta because you have several run-on sentences or fragments attached to dialogue. This is the sort of thing I mean:
"Peter on the other hand was not exceptional in any way but he was above many other students in classes even if it didn't come naturally, many people assumed that the other marauders tutored him so he would fit in, which wasn't true."
This is a run-on sentence, which means that it would be better split into two or more sentences. In this case, if you replaced the comma with a full stop (period) then it would read much better.
"James said in a voice full with wonder."
This is a fragment attached to dialogue. That is, your dialogue ended with a full stop which would make this a sentence on its own, but as you can see it doesn't make sense on its own. Your best bet here would be to change the full stop at the end of the dialogue with a comma, which would make this part of the same sentence.
There were also some spelling and word choice errors I noticed (eg "tan" instead of "tanned" in the last paragraph) but like I said if you get a good beta they should be able to pick up on these things. I don't know if you want Americanisms picked up on or not so I won't comment on those - if you leave them in there that's entirely your choice.
Finally, the canon nerd in me keeps pointing out that James was 16 at the end of fifth year, not 15. His birthday was in March so he'd been 16 for a couple of months by the time OWLs came around.
Okay, enough of that. This is an interesting premise. I don't think it's been done before so you've got something original, which unfortunately I can't say about a lot of the stories on this site. Your flow is quite good and characterisation seems pretty right for what we know of your main characters.
I quite liked the abilities you have given James - inventing spells, wandless magic - and I assume that there is a reason for his not needing glasses any more aside from vanity that meant you wanted a clear-faced hero? Either way it's your choice, but if it's vanity then that's not quite consistent with canon because James has glasses when Harry sees him in the Mirror of Erised. But again, that's your choice, it's your story after all.
All in all this is a pretty good start. Feel free to re-request once you've got some more chapters up.
cheers, MelAuthor's Response: No there is a reason he doesn't have glasses which will come up later in the story. Report Review
Hey, it's InviWitchie019 here to review as you requested.
First of all, I'd like to say that this is a great start for a story. It is quite easy to read and the flow is good so far. The flashback was brilliant too but I suggest you put a divider line or something similar instead of the words FLASHBACK because it is a bit annoying. But it's fine, I'm just speaking in the words of others who might find it not so good.
The characterization is brilliant; you got it spot-on. James and Dumbledore are wonderful characters and I'm glad you portrayed them well. Your writing style is also simple but very nice, which is good. The plot seems interesting so you could re-request if there's an update.
Keep up the good work! :)Author's Response: I just got rid of the flashback, because you are right it is really annoying. Report Review
Hello, my dear! I'm here with your review as requested!
I'm quite excited to read this story. I love stories that focus mostly on James! He is my favorite of all time.
I thought this chapter was nice -- a great introduction to a forseeably fantastic story! The characterization was nice; not many authors take the time to give the lay down of their character, but you did! And it was great!
Well done! Very nice and descriptive. I can see sexy James fantastically. ;)
Be sure to give me a shout when there's and update!
9/10Author's Response: James is my favorite character too. There are not ear enough stories about him. Report Review
It just so happens you hit on one of my personal pet peeves, so I'm going to get it out of my system first (skip this paragraph and the next and go to the end if you want to read something friendlier, lol). Flashbacks. Yes, flashbacks are a big pet peeve of mine. In particular, when a flashback is set off with **Flashback** or a horizontal break or, heaven forbid, a huge chunk of italicized text.
I have a reason for disliking flashbacks, and here it is: It seems to me that in the majority of cases, the information contained within a flashback could be included in a different way. I notice this especially in longer stories, and as you're planning on this being a novel, you may want to keep an eye out in future chapters. Often, rearranging a few events or approaching a scene differently eliminates the need for a flashback, or reduces the length of the flashback. Or the flashback can be its own chapter, although that can become confusing.
Enough on flashbacks. Obviously, as this is projected to be a novel, this was an introductory chapter, but it didn't come to a conclusion as a one-shot would, obviously. As I was reading, there were several little things I wished I had more information on. Some of them you answered as the chapter went on and I anticpate you'll fill in the details for most everything else in subsequent chapters. I think you definitely planted seeds of interest for readers, as there are things we are going to be left wondering after reading this first chapter.
It's still early in the story to be making a definitive judgement, but I believe James needs a bit more depth of character. There was an awful lot of explaining/listing what was going on with him, but it was like a list after the fact, if that makes sense. There wasn't action occuring, exactly, except during the flashback. Even though I'm not crazy about flashbacks, I actually thought that was the best-written part of the chapter. In that segment, we were in James' mind more (I enjoyed the way he thought at times), there was actual action occuring, and it just seemed more immediate and relatable than the beginning and end of this chapter.Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review. Report Review
i thought that this was an amazing start to a story. honestly, you had a very nice and easy flow throughout this and your characterization was completely flawless in my eyes. fantastic job for this being your very first story. this was a very readable chapter, something that was quite easy to just delve right into and there is certainly no better way to start out a story than the way that you have so far. make the readers want to read more and that is definitely what i saw here.
overall, i thought that this was a great first chapter. it is sort of difficult to say too much with this only being the first chapter and the fact that you had no concerns so i guess that this review will be all i have for now. feel free to request again on my thread anytime. i would honestly love to read some more from you. great job on this first piece of work. keep up the amazing work and potential.Author's Response: Thank you for the positive feedback. Report Review
Ok, I could definitely not pry my eyes away from this. I could read every word so clearly and the flow was just fantastic! You've got great transitions and it was a pretty appropriate length. You did a nice job writing style and character style shall I add. You really did do a nice job. I hesitiated a bit when readinf your request. I have to be honest, the Strong Language warning was the very first thing I saw, but then I read your small note and obliged. I really do want to help those whoa re stuggling with reviews, cause' I myself know the very feeling. It's really aggravating and sad, so I'm here to help! I really liked this chapter a lot and even though my eyes are BURNING by looking at a computer screen too long from filling a lot of review requests today, I really did not want to pass this one up. No way. It really was quite good, especially for it being your very first story. I can tell you right now my firstie was no where near as good as this. Uh uh. Nope, nope, nope. I really think you're an excellent writer that has a good and suspensful plot going! I'd really like to continue this story if you will please re-request. I guess I can deal with the language should it arise in the later chapters, so gimme more story! :D
Thanks for requesting! I'm glad I took a look ;)
Clair :DAuthor's Response: Thank you that means a lot. I'm just trying to keep it headed in the right direction! Report Review
Well... I like the idea that you've got going, but I think you might want to think some more things through. Just some of the plot line and such. Like: how much does Dumbledore ACTUALLY know about James' magical talent? How did he find out about whatever he DOES know about James' magical talent? Little things like that. :)
Also, I'd look for a beta or editor-- someone who can look at your stories and point out grammatical errors. I noticed quite a few comma splices and run-on sentences. (Of course, that might only be because I'm a complete grammar FREAK. :D )
Overall, though, you've got a good chapter, as well as a good story idea, it seems. :thumbs up: Keep up the good work!Author's Response: Thank you so much. It was one of those things I was so happy to have finished it that I posted it and now that it is up, there is so much I want to change. You are right though I need a beta and I need more depth/detail. Thank you for pointing me in the right direction. Report Review
Love it. Please update soon.Author's Response: Thank you. Report Review
ohh i love it will you please update soon?!?!? i cant wait to see what you do with it!!!Author's Response: I just sent chapter two to be validated so it should be soon. Report Review
Very interesting story so far, I hope you update again soon!Author's Response: Thank you very much I appreciate that. Report Review
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