A doll.. Yes that came as a complete surprise to me.
The beginning was hysterical with Rose sobbing like that. I've never seen her characterized as such. I guess it had to be done, to get Crystal and Scorpius together. =)
The whole time I was reading it I was trying to figure out who this girl was. I really like the twist at the end. Very clever.
I like the way that you did Scorpius also. He differently had his Slytherin qualities.
I loved how you hinted at the fact that she's a doll *Dollface* and yet it still came as a complete surprise XD
Very nice One-shot. I really enjoyed it. &Your descriptions are amazingly good!Author's Response: Thank you! Yay, you were surprised! I'm so glad my plan worked. I know Rose was kind of a jerk at the beginning but yes, it had to be done.
I'm not too fond of Scorpius, actually. Writing him was a challenge, but I'm glad you liked him. Thank you so much! I appreciate your review ^_^ Report Review
Why did Crystal have stitches?? [I know who she is now] but they're a 'muggle' cure. Molly was annoyed when Arthur used them when he was bitten. So I doubt Scorp would know anything about them being pureblood and everything.
I'm not sure about your Rose, to me she seems a bit more like a mini Ginny, so she wouldn't cry in the middle of the Great Hall.
Ha! the ending was totally unexpected. I was NOT expecting that!...:DAuthor's Response: Hi!
I didn't mean medical stitches. I meant the stitches that would hold a doll together. A doll made of fabric, I suppose. Sorry for the confusion.
For the sake of the story, Rose had to be like that. Sorry you didn't like her either, but to be honest, she wasn't that important to the story.
Thank you so much! I'm glad I caught you off guard with the ending. I appreciate your review! Report Review
Hello! Angeleyez3954 here with your review. I apologize for taking so long; real life got the better of me!!
Anyways, I enjoyed this story, and the end was a huge surprise to me. I liked how you dropped the hint early on about the ending, but it was so subtle! I think your characterization of Scorpius is great, being like his father; I think it is very realistic.
At the same time, however, I'm not too impressed by your characterization of Rose. I just don't quite picture the daughter of Ron and Hermione causing an hysterical scene in the Great Hall for that length of time. But that's just my opinion, and I don't think it really impacts on the story in a way to make me dislike it.
Anyways, great job :)
~LJAuthor's Response: Thank you! It's no problem at all. =)
Yay! I'm glad the hint was subtle enough. That was my main concern - I didn't want to give it away too obviously, but I wanted to give a hint here or there. Thank you!
I understand your concern about Rose, but to be honest, I didn't think too much about her because in this story, she's not important. Her only purpose is to cause a scene so that Crystal can stop Scorpius from hexing Rose. I appreciate your opinion, though.
Thank you! Report Review
Hey! So firstly, sorry it's taken me awhile to get this review up. d: Homework and such kept getting in the way.
I really liked your first line, it opened the door for the humor in the story.
I like your description in this--how you described 'Crystal' and such.
xD I was surprised by the end, yes. I really liked it, though, it worked.
The line 'Our hips were TOUCHING!' really made me laugh, I'm not sure why, but I liked it.
I really enjoyed reading this. (:
-JasmineAuthor's Response: No problem. I understand =)
Thank you! Crystal was difficult to write - I didn't really know how to write a Mary-Sue. But I'm glad you liked her.
Yay! I'm glad the ending worked! Thank you so much for your review! Report Review
Helloo :) Here from the forums to review :)
First thing I have to say is that is one of the best Scorpius stories I've ever read. I love the characterization of him, I never expected him to be the Gryffindor type. Maybe a bit better than his father, but not like that. And I love how you did that.
Also the ending twist was great. I was going to say something about the stiches, because wizards don't normally have stitches when they're injured, but it made sense by the end.
Great description and detail as well, I don't see that much in stories.
All in all an absolutely fabulous story. I don't think I have anything to criticize in this. All the grammar and spelling is great as well, except there was an extra e on the end of "her" in the chapter summary I think.
Great story! 10/10
~nickyAuthor's Response: Thank you! I don't have a lot of experience with Scorpius, so he was kind of a shot in the dark for me. I'm glad you like him!
I knew at least one person would be bothered by the mention of stitches =P
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your review ^_^
Hi, here with your review!
Okay, inner critic stuff first. I noticed a typo in your chapter summary - you've got a "here" instead of "her". At least, that's what I think it's supposed to be, otherwise it makes no sense and I know you're a better writer than that. :) And you've misspelled conscience in your author note again ...
Okay, enough of that. I thought this was a great one-shot. You got my picture of Scorpius to a T - the arrogance, the self-centredness, the fact that he was perfectly willing to insult Rose's mother but couldn't take it when she mentioned his parents. Lovely.
The only thing that bugged me was the mention of stitches. Yes, it was all explained in the end with the whole doll thing (nice twist, by the way), but my memory of Arthur Weasley explaining to Molly what they were in Order of the Phoenix suggests to me that wizardkind weren't familiar with the concept. Of course, this is next-gen so they could have been introduced in the years since, but it did bug me a little.
Aside from that, I thought this was a really good story. :) Your characterisation was excellent and it was a great plotline. Well done on this one!
cheers, MelAuthor's Response: Thank you! Thanks for pointing those out. XD I promise, I know how to spell conscience. It's just that I write that in every beginning of my stories and I type it so fast, sometimes it gets messed up. =P
Thank you! I don't have a lot of experience in either reading or writing Scorpius, so I'm glad you liked my interpretation of him. =)
In my opinion of next generation, the wizarding world is more modern, and I see it as more integrated into the Muggle world. I'm sorry it bugged you, but that was just my take on the era.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your review ^_^ Report Review
Wow. I did not see that ending coming. By any means. Though this was really well written. It was refreshing to see Scorpius portrayed like his father. Most people take him on as his mother's son, kinder and gentler than all of the Malfoy's combined.
I liked the way this just ended after his realization that she was a doll. It left it open ended just a bit. This idea is something I have never seen before. And things that are so original its shocking are few and far between.
~Alassie~Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so glad you liked it. I don't have a lot of experience with Scorpius, either writing or reading him, so I just kind of went with my first impression of him. Thank you so much! I'm so glad you liked this story and I appreciate your praise ^_^ Report Review
ROTFL~ What a twist. I never saw that coming. SHe's a doll? I mean wtf? If that wasn't the oddest thing I've ever read. ;p I knew that they were to good to be true (I had thought it would be a dream in the end.)
I love you descriptive voice here. It's like you know the male mind, haha. I think if I were in this situation here, that I would describe things in the same way he did -- referring to someone as seemingly perfect as her as some sort of goddess or deity. (I especially like where you refer to her voice as harp's music. Utterly beautiful.)
I thoroughly enjoyed your work with cliche: the twist, the perfection, and in the end it turned out to be someothing very... uh... unique and original. Great Work!
-AxjionAuthor's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you liked the twist. This was all a play on what it means to be Mary-Sue, which is perfection.
I certainly don't know the male mind, so it's a great compliment to hear I had written it well. =) Thank you ^_^
Thank you so much! I always love reading your great reviews =) Report Review
Clicked on the link in Alopex's review thread and...
Wow! Surprise at the end! This story is fab. At first, I thought it was going to be a ScoRose (aaw, I love them) but then BAM...Crystal/Dollface comes in and they start having sex on a bench. WOO. Not clichéd at all, and I love it.Author's Response: Thank you! I didn't know anyone actually saw that in his thread =P Thanks! I'm so glad you liked it! I appreciate your review ^_^ Report Review
OMG, Ilia. YES, the ending surprised me! Are you kidding? That was so weird. It was really trippy and mind-bending and . . . googly-eyed. Bizarre! Brilliant! Crazy!
I'll be honest here. As I was reading, I was trying to think of a really nice way to say that that I thought it was pretty weird the way Crystal came out of nowhere like that and the way Scorpius reacted to her by melting into a puddle instantly. I mean, I guess it happens, but it just seems so cheesy, you know? I didn't realize until the end that you playing up the cheesiness (and cliche-ness and Mary-Sueness) of the situation. You played it up, but you didn't overdo it either.
I just loved the way you portrayed Scorpius! He was so adorable. Poor kid, falling into the lake that way. I felt so embarassed for him, but it was also so funny the way he just shrugged it off because he had accomplished the goal of putting his arm around a girl. I felt like you got into a teenage boy's head so well, it's ridiculous. (It's also ridiculous how many times I've written "so.") Scorpius was just perfect the way he was acting around Crystal; the combination of awkwardness and uncertainty with pushiness (as in pushing the limits) was just right.
Who needs drugs when they can read stories like this one?Author's Response: OMG, Alopex! Thank you! Whoo, I'm so glad you were surprised. That was basically the only way I could pull off such a lame-o character.
XD I know what you mean. That's why I tried to keep it a secret until the end that I'm not /that/ bad and I did have a secret up my sleeve. =) Thanks!
Scorpius was new to me - I didn't really know what I was doing. I'd written Draco before but I didn't want to make Scorpius a carbon copy of his father so... it was kind of difficult. I'm really glad you liked him ^_^
Oh, wow. Thank you so much! ♥ Report Review
wow. This was creepy? To say the least :D. I think that I've never read a more original and unique story about a Mary-Sue. Though you couldn't call Crystal (or Dollface) a real Mary-Sue but still...
You asked if I was surprised by the ending? Well, yes, I was, just because I wasn't really expecting her to be a doll in the HP universe. I've watched something (or read - I can't remember at the moment) that was similar to this, about a perfect-looking girl (as far as I remember her behaviour was far from nice and perfect), though she ended up being a doll and the only reason why I thought about a doll while reading this story was because of her nickname and the comment about her eyes (because in that thing (I still can't remember what it was *sigh*) the important part was about the girl's (doll's) eyes - they were empty, just like here in your story).
Scorpius's characterisation was good, though I imagine him being different than your Scorpius, but everyone has their views and visions ^^ .
Anyways, it's a really original story, but I'm sure you already know that xD and I'm glad that you requested for the review since I probably wouldn't find it otherwise.
10/10 and I'm favouriting it since your writing is amazing - very descriptive and the whole story flows extremely well ;D .
~ DeaVanityAuthor's Response: Thank you! It means so much to me to hear that you thought my take on this cliche is original. It was very important to me to get that across.
Whoo! I'm so glad you were surprised by the ending. It's interesting that you mention that.. it kind of sounds like Coraline - is that what you were thinking of? In any case, thank you =)
I've never written Scorpo before so this was kind of a stretch. I didn't know how to make him =/ Thanks still ^_^
Thank you so much! I can't thank you enough ^_^ Report Review
omg thats great. how funny he fell in love with a doll. lol. i loved it this was a great one shot with scorpius and an oc. i think it was very original. i was very surprised that she ended up being a girl.. has she been there the whole time during school or did she just appear though since he had never seen her before. anywho great story. keep up the good work.
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: XD Thank you! I hadn't intended that this be a humorous story but that seems to be a common way to take this =P I'm glad you liked it, though. I appreciate your criticism, but since this is just a one-shot I wanted to keep everything streamlined. Thank you so much! Report Review
Hmm... that was a bit odd. Well-written, definitely. Like everything else you create! Seriously, you and your writing skill make me feel so untalented XD
Yes, I was most definitely surprised by the ending! It was so completely unexpected. To tell you the truth, I was kind of excited, because I thought it was going to be Scorpius/Rose, and you were writing them really well at the beginning =] But it was good the way it ended up too!
I really liked this, even if it was a bit strange at the end! As always, I love your writing - great job! Feel free to reequest another review any time, it's always an honor to read your work!
~CBGAuthor's Response: Thank you! Odd is good in this story's case =P Aw, thanks! You are indeed very talented!
Thanks! I don't know if I could handle a Scorose o_O XD
Thank you so much! I'll probably take you up on that offer soon =P Report Review
AHAHAHAHA! Oh my gosh! Haha, I don't know if she really was a doll or if Scorpius was just freaking out, but I found that hilarious.
Wow. I also hated Scorpius for taking a girl he had just met and nearly having sex with her 5 seconds after he met her. Haha, Ilia, this was great.
As always, you wrote beautifully. The scene with Scorpius and Crystal was beautiful and well describing. And the little bit with Rose was quite interesting.
Great job, dear! As always!
10/10Author's Response: XD Thank you! I didn't mean for this story to be a funny story, but I appreciate the reaction. She was really a doll. A doll come to life =P
Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it ^_^ Report Review
Well, hello. Umm. Usually I'm much more composed when reviewing, just... Give me a second here.
This was outstanding! One of the most clever and eerie parodys I've ever seen. I think your approach when it comes to portraying "her" (for a lack of a better word) is perfect. The descriptions of her appearence, naturally, but also Scorpius' initial reaction to her contributes immensly.
There was a spooky suspense throughout the entire fic; I was literally squirming nervously - and I think this is what truly defines a Mary Sue. Despite an otherworldly beauty, a kind tone ect, a Mary Sue will still make you feel... uncomfortable, annoyed, and as though you're missing out on something important because no one can ever be that perfect. (Gods, I'm rambling, please forgive me!)
Moreover, I truly like your writing style. It's a relaxed prose that flows very well, but you still manage to be descriptive. Bravo ^_^
“It’s Crystal, but most guys call me Dollface,” she said with a winning smile that showed her perfectly aligned teeth. Only magic could have constructed such a beautiful creature. “And yours is Scorpius.”
With this line you touch so many issues when it comes to Mary Sues. Their fairytale names, mens' seemingly neverending fascination for them, the perfect features, the gift of being all-knowing. It just has it all, and when I read the story again (yes, I read it two times) I couldn't help but to laugh because it's such a smart line.
The ending really gave me some serious creeps! The whole thing with the zipper, the dead eyes... It literally gave me goosebumps. Poor Scorpius. Scarred for life, the poor lad.
Keep writing, you're very skilled. I'm adding this one to my favourites for sure.
LinneaAuthor's Response: XD Thank you! I'm so happy that my story has had such an effect on you ^_^
Hm, I didn't intend for it to be a parody, but I appreciate that you looked at it that way.
Oh, I totally understand what you mean about the eerie feeling throughout. It was kind of like you were waiting for something big to happen to explain why she is the way she is, right? I'm so glad it worked that way ^_^
Thank you for pointing out that line! I actually almost didn't add that bit about her nickname because I thought it might ruin the surprise, but I am so glad you pointed that bit out. It feels good to know that my hard work doesn't go unnoticed. =)
Thank you! I really appreciate your review ^_^ Report Review
Ahahaha! What a creepy yet enjoyable twist! I really rather liked this one, Ilia! It was a totally original take on my challenge - the idea of a doll is very well done. You didn't go into much detail about how the doll could talk and everything, but it's a magical world, so hehe. :P
I liked that Scorpius was still in Slytherin character. He took very well after his father, even if I didn't quite warm up to him at the end. I thought he was much better characterized in the beginning than in the end, but that's just my personal opinion.
Fabulously original, my dear. ^_^ And congratulations - you're my 100th review!
XOXO, KalinaAuthor's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you liked the way I interpreted your challenge. Yeah, it was a one-shot so I wanted to keep it as streamlined as possible =P
Thank you so much! I've never written Scorpius before so I appreciate your criticism. Thanks for making that challenge! Report Review
Um WHOA. Why on earth do you have such amazing ideas! A doll? A live doll? It's like a perfect scene from a sci-fi movie. I loved this. It was amazing. Your power of description was simply amazing, and when you first described Crystal, I though she might be Victoire or Dominique from the effect she had on Scorpius. You said once you don't have the art of description down- I disagree.
The idea behind the story is simply... brilliant. I don't know how you thought of it. I'm favoriting this. You wrote Scorpius probably more realistically than I've ever seen, simply because the way he acted at the beginnnig especially is definitely the way his father would've raised him.
Brilliant, brilliant job. I loved it. 10/10. No crit to be heard of, as usual.Author's Response: How the heck do you do this? Seriously. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your reviews. They always make my day ♥
I chose to make her a doll because I wanted to think about what makes a Mary-Sue a Mary-Sue, and that is that she is perfect. Like a doll, yes? So I'm glad you liked my choice. =)
Thank you so much! I ♥ you Report Review
HOLY! hilarious! i fell apart laughing at teh last line "you're a doll!"
something had to be done about that irritating mary-sue. and thankyou so much for revealing who she really was! 10/10 and favouriting :DAuthor's Response: =P Thank you. I wasn't sure if I should add 'humor' to this story - I decided against it because I wanted it to take on a darker tone. But thank you so much ^_^ Report Review
your genius is showing!
loved it!Author's Response: Ahaha! Thank you! Report Review
Oh - I think she's a little too creepy to be a Mary-Sue. I LIKE her too much for her to be a Mary-Sue!! This is a unique take on the cliche (that is a strange phrase to write).
Nice work - gorgeous banner, too.
PalomaAuthor's Response: Thank you! Interesting that you say she's too creepy to be Mary-Sue. I kind of didn't know how to write a Mary-Sue, if I can say that. XD Thanks so much for reading! And thank you, I made the banner myself ^_^ Report Review
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