But I was wondering if you know who the girl is in your chapter picture. If you know, please tell me, thanks. :D Report Review
Your summary kind of confused me, probably just me being slow- but when you said 'she' near the end, I didn't know who it was talking about. Just my input, you don't have to change it if you don't want to. =]
A little tip, when you say "when he's worried and all." it sounds very teenage-ish and unprofessional. I know it's in the mind of a teenager, but it just isn't something you would read. If that makes any sense.
When mouthing words to one another, people tend to keep the sentences short and to the point, because it's very hard to lip-read, so when Teddy turned and mouthed, ďYou alright over there?Ē, more than likely he would have just said ďAre you alright?Ē so it's to the point and not hard to read.
I think you meant Quaffle in some parts where you said 'Bludger' as Bludgers can't be thrown, Bludgers zoom off and can only be controlled by hitting them with the bat. [this was when you said Molly threw the Bludger at her].
When James is flying towards her, you said as quick as a 'cheeta'- there's nothing wrong with this, I'm not telling you off. But just something to think about is that, seeing as the story is in the 'magical' world, use a 'magical' creature.
A Bludger would do more damage that just 'hit off her arm'- more like shatter her collar bone or dislocate her joints.
How's there a bush of thorns on the Quidditch Pitch? Sorry, I'm just curious as I always picture the pitch with having no shrubs or plants anywhere.
It seemed to be a bit rushed at the end part, like everything happened very quickly when they got to the hospital wing.
I don't have anything else to say, other than I actually really liked this. I never read next-gen fics ever and if I do they are all based on the Potter kids...It was a nice change. =] I really think you did a lovely job with it.Author's Response: Hey!
I had a feeling that the summary was a bit confusing but I have no plans to change it whatsoever. I'll also keep the teenager thing in mind, though I like it.
Now that I think of it, mouthing long words to others is a bit hard. I'll be sure to change that into a shorter version. The Quaffle-Bludger confusion was on purpose but I guess I got confused while making it look confusing, I guess.
It also never crossed my mind to use a magical creature for the cheetah thing or make Dom's injury far worse.
I also felt that the end was sort of rushed so I'll be sure to change that when I have the time. I'm glad you like this story, anyway. I tend to read Potter kids Next Gens too so this pairing was a change for me as well.
Thanks for reviewing; I really appreciate it! :) Report Review
Hello, AngelEyez3954 here with your review! Sorry that it took so long; real life got the better of me!!!
Anyways, I really like this story. It's sweet and fluffy with some funny lines thrown in. I found some parts to be a bit confusing, though. I wasn't quite sure what was meant by "Every Dominique has its thorn," within the context of the story. I also found the beginning a bit too slow and the end a bit too quick.
Overall though, a nice story, with some genuine fluff which is refreshing to see!
~LJAuthor's Response: Hey! I understand what you mean by taking long to review; my review thread is very out of control these days...
Anyway, I'm glad you like my fluffy story. The Every Dominique Has Its Thorn part was part of the challenge so I think it didn't fit as much. I see what you mean by the slow beginning and quick ending.
Thanks for reviewing, though; I appreciate it!! :) Report Review
Hey there, sorry it took so long to review this.
This was a cute, fluffly little story. It had a few funny bits, such as when Dominique ran into Teddy and started mouthing off about dark wizards blasting people around corners.
I felt that at times the story moved a little... slow. It just took a little too long for everything to happen, and the effect of the suspense was lost as my mind began to wander. Perhaps the first bit, where it's emphasized how much Dom likes Ted, and the Quidditch incident could be shortened, and it would be better.
I liked the character of James. He was a nice, loving, cough evil cough cousin that I enjoyed reading.
Honestly, I didn't get the whole "Every Dominique has it's thorn" It's a play on "Every rose has it's thorn", right? It didn't exactly make sense with whole story. It sounded like you thought of a title then forced the story on it.
The overall idea of the story was lovely, and it was cute how Dom couldn't say yes when Ted finally asked her out, because of her arm and her stubbornness. It was enjoyable.
~lllbAuthor's Response: I understand what you mean when you said it moved slow. The Quidditch incident, yes, I understand it could be shortened.
This is actually my first Next Gen fic so I didn't know how to portray James. I decided to make him a mix of the two people he was named after, James and Sirius. Haha, it turned out well, I guess.
The title was supposed to be part of the story in the challenge so I had to fit it in. I understand what you meant about that...
Anyway, I'm glad you liked it a bit so thanks for reviewing; I really appreciate it! :) Report Review
Hey it's elisalinguine_x from the forums!
It was a cute little one-shot. I like how you took a different aproach to the story rather than the whole Victoire-going-out-with-Teddy-but-Dom-fancies-him-so-Teddy-cheats-on-Victoire situation. You can pat yourself on the back for that :)
I didn't notice any grammar or spelling issues except when you close a speech quotation you should always have a comma before putting the said/replied/etc.
"Looks nice." I said
"Looks nice," I said
Nothing a quick re-read can't fix :)
Keep up the good work!
ElisaAuthor's Response: Hey!
I'm glad you liked my one-shot; I also agree about the Dom/Ted/Vic approach to the story. That's one thing to avoid in writing this kind of ship.
I'll also remember to put a comma before the said when I close a speech quotation. That slipped off my mind.
Anyway, thanks for reviewing; I really appreciate it!! :) Report Review
Aw, MAN! I had a typed up review and it just got losteded! Oh, no way! It was "Loading..." and it was still loading a few minutes later and then the page crashed and and a..and..a-a-a...and... now it's gone. Wail. Damnit, damnit, damnit. I hate when this site crashes. What did I do wrong in a past life? Why does it have a vendetta gainst me? Whine.
Oh, well. I'll see what I can remember about it lol.
First off, I guess that I want to say - thank you for requesting this for a review! Itís been a long while since Iíve been asked to review good, light-hearted fun. I mean, donít get me wrong. I love all the intense stuff I normally get. But, just, itís nice to sometimes just enjoy a story for what its worth, you know? And this was that story. I just enjoyed reading it. There is nothing else to it. It was warm and inviting and I justÖ it was fun. And I had fun reading it.
Perhaps the strength of this story is Dominiqueís voice. It comes through clearly and I know exactly what time of person she is. Too often, people get caught up in tiny little intricacies with first person. You avoided that. You just told a story. Plain and simple. And that is the type of writing I love to read.
I think this story is carries through heavily with dialogue. And, in any other case, stories where the plot moves through dialogue turn out to be childish. But, for some reason, it doesnít in this. This story is not childish. Iím sort of left scratching my head as to why it isnít. But, eh, what the hell. You did well. Itís not childish. And the dialogue is fine. Donít change any of it.
I donít know what else to say, really! It was just fun. A lot of fun. And I had a smile on my face while reading it and for a while after. Well, until my initial review crashed. But weíll forget about that :D
-Ju :]Author's Response: You had a review and then the page crashed? Haha, that happens to some people but never to me, which is good. There's a saying that the original is always the best but hey, this review from you is nice, anyway. :)
I'm glad you think my story is lighthearted and fun. Well, this is my first story in first person ever (well, there are these journal entry stuff we do at school, but what the heck..) and it's good that you think it was nice.
Thanks for the comment about my story not being childish. I'm happy you had a lot of fun reading this little one-shot and that you had a smile on your face- until the review crashed.
Haha, thanks for reviewing; I really appreciate it! :D Report Review
. EH, EH, er, there's nothing else I can say... anyway, nice chappie, sis! make more stories and Happy Advanced (by 2 months and 2 weeks ) Birthday!! . What? I told you I have nothing else to say.. :DAuthor's Response: Haha, nice review. I'm so good; I rendered you speechless. Joke. Don't worry, I'll make more stories for you to read. And my birthday is too far for that! So, thanks for reviewing; I really appreciate it!! :D Report Review
Finally I'm trying to review this chapter again (yes, because last time I tried I got it deleted instead of publishing it...), so let's see if I won't forget everything I wanted to say :)...
Your one shot is, porbably, one of the most sweet and beautiful I had ever seen. It's freshy, flows well, the characters are perfect and the ship is really original. I hadn't ever read a Dom/Teddy, and your left quite of an impression on me :)
I really liked this. Simple, yet beautiful... romance yet not to 'fluffly' or weird... You did a really good job and overally I think you deserve a 10/10 =)
congratulations and a big hug,
~Catia :)Author's Response: Hey! I'm happy you decided to review, haha.
Wow, really? I'm glad you think my one-shot is sweet and beautiful. I also never left an impression on someone who hasn't read Dom/Teddy and thanks for being that someone.
Thanks so much for reviewing; I really appreciate it! :) Report Review
That was an exceptionally sweet one-shot. Very warm. I love your characterizations. JKR has left us a lot of room to play with the next generation and I was very impressed at how much you were able to develop everyone in such a short span of words.
The duel collisions between Dom and Teddy were perfect! Believe it or not, the exact same thing happened to me in college. You're writing is wonderful. Good work!Author's Response: Wow, I'm glad you thought it was sweet and warm. Next gen is nice to write; JKR didn't give them personalities so we could develop them in any characterization, which is fun.
Haha, dual collisions are a bit common but I'm glad you and other readers thought it was good. And my writing is wonderful? You're joking.
Haha, thanks for reviewing! I really appreciate it. :) Report Review
Gotta get this out of my system first: Teddy's actually a bit older than the rest of the bunch; he and Victoire were not in the same year. Still, that worked out well for your story, or else he would have been a little old for Dominique.
I enjoyed Dominique's voice for the most part. A couple of times she did verge on being annoying, but mostly she was distinctive and a bit funny. Perhaps her voice doesn't quite jibe with the shy image you seem to have given her, but I can definitely picture a person with a voice like Dominique's feeling awkward and uncomfortable around someone she has a crush on. I guess everyone feels that way at some point, no matter whether they're shy or outgoing.
At first, I wasn't too crazy about the part where Dominique and Teddy collided. I feel like I've read that scene (with various characters) a million times. And let's face it: how often does that actually happen in real life? I've never seen it. It was a cute scene, though, and you hinted there that Teddy sorta liked her too. In my opinion, what really saved that scene, though, occured later in the story. Teddy and Dominique collided a second time in the library, and Teddy made some comment about it, so that made the first time seem a little less coincidental.
Haha, James and his Quidditch prank. Well, it was funny and not funny at the same time. It does seem like a rather elaborate device just to get Dominique and Teddy together, but it does fit with Dominique's voice. Also, I think these things are easier to get away with in the Next-Gen and Marauders eras. And there's no denying that the result was cute!Author's Response: I sort of knew that Teddy was older but it fit the story better if he was younger. This is my first time writing in first person point of view and it was fun; Dominique is an interesting character.
The part where they collided was based on personal experience and I know it was quite common yet I still put it there. James was really fun to write; I added the Quidditch prank because it really fit him.
The result was cute? Haha, thanks for reviewing; I really appreciate it!
:D Report Review
Great one shot, very cute and sweet.
The story line is very nicely written, I like how you including the quiddich practice into the story. It develops the story well.
There are a few sentences where I would change the wording, but thats just my opinion!
I also like the how you included the title into the story too.
Well done :)Author's Response: Haha, I wrote this rather hurriedly and only did serious editing when I previewed it here; it took me an hour and a half to finish. xD
The plot took long to think of and I just wrote everything down really fast as soon as it was all planned in my mind. Good to see that the hard work pays off.
The sentences I know should be improved but it's your opinion, anyway. I also wanted the title in the story to add a little zing to it, you know.
Thanks for reviewing, I really appreciate it! :D Report Review
This was so cute! I loved it!Author's Response: Hey! Wow, you thought it was cute? Haha, i can't believe you actually loved it.
Anyway, enough of being modest! Thanks for reviewing, I really appreciate it!! :D Report Review
Hello, I'm finally reviewing :)
Well, I'll star with CC if that's alright with you :D .
1) when you're talking about the differences between Dom and Vic, I thought there were too much ''unlike me'', but, that was how you accentuated the differences, though the word choice could have been better ;D .
2) there was some tense mixing but nothing major and I think that when you read it through and edit a bit, you'll notice it immediately and fix it (though I think that it doesn't subtract from the story much) xD .
Enough CC! hehe
Anyways, I like Dom/Teddy pairings, in fact, I love every next-gen. pairings lol because there's so much you can do with the characters since they're a lot like OCs :).
The story itself was funny at times (you made me laugh ;D) and the plot was okay and James was hilarious, hehe, all in all your characterizations and the plot were good! :D
Thanks for requesting :D
~ DeaVanityAuthor's Response: Hey. :)
1) I really meant for Dom and Vic to be different but yes, I see what you mean; the word choice ought to be improved. :D
2) I could fix the tense easily enough; thanks for pointing it out, though. xD
Yeah, I love Dom/Teddy and other next gen pairings! They rock. :)
I'm glad you thought it was funny; James was my favorite to write here! Thanks a lot.
Thanks for reviewing, I really appreciate it! :D Report Review
Hey there, it's jetergirl from the forum =]
So, the way I roll, is I like to give some constructive criticism as well as telling you the things I enjoyed about the chapter! That way you can improve, and feel good about your writing ;)
I'll start out with the CC: Okay, well, the content/plot of the story is great, but here and there your grammar and word choice could use a little work. It's obviously not a huge deal, but just something to keep in mind when you edit through!
Other than that, it was a great story! I love next gen. pairings like this one and you did a pretty nice job of portraying the characters and their motives throughout the story!
If you ever need advice on another story, just let me know and I'd be happy to help you out ;)
~CBGAuthor's Response: Hey. =)
I see; I'll try to improve my grammar and word choice. I'll be sure to keep that in mind! The plot just came to me so I wrote it down. Next gen is really nice to read and write so it was fun portraying the characters.
Thanks for reviewing, I really appreciate it! :D Report Review
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