Hi there. Schoenemaedchen here from the review boards.
So, you're mostly concerned about canon here. It's a bit ironic, seeing that you've chosen a non-canon pairing here, but characterizations and time-line related things can still be observed.
So I need to say I think the setting you've chosen is not bad. I do think if someone like Hermione and Cedric were to come together, this is most likely one of the settings where it would be possible. In fact, I like the idea of Cedric pondering the whole time about what she was doing, why she's here on a Saturday night and if he should talk to her. Why not? Seems all plausible to me.
So I do think that the set-up is one of your strong parts.
Something to be watch for: The beginning of the story is steered entirely from thoughts and no dialogue. Without dialogue and with using only thoughts, it can be extremely hard to change POV, and keep a story flowing. I found some areas where I really think, even though picky of me, would improve the flow even more.
You sometimes kind of repeat things when you're writing in thoughts. This is something that's very easy to do, but very dangerous for the flow...a few examples:
"It forced him to be truthful with himself, and he discovered a lot about himself." I think this line could be spiced up, instead of using the same reflexive pronoun twice. Perhaps, "and he discovered a lot about the kind of person he was." Something along those lines, as a suggestion :)
Then, as Hermione is thinking about Harry and Ron, she is talking about how they only really think of Chess and Quidditch and judging other people. You kind of repeat it again in the next paragraph, saying they're probably sitting in the common room playing chess and talking about Draco Malfoy. It's picky of me, I think, but I just felt like I was reading the same line in different words, because we already know why Hermione was avoiding them at that point in time.
And I also think you could really improve the story in your dialogue section. It just bounces back and forth. It also runs the risk of being confusing, not knowing who said what. You can intensify the emotions here by adding verbs or adverbs to the things that were said. I think it would make the dialogue just that much better.
There was also one other thing, Cedric gets up from the table and walks away after the dialogue occurs. Then as if by magic, she looks back and has fallen into his trap because he's sitting at the table again? Perhaps you should mention that he doubled back to the table, because that part really confused me.
Other than that, I think you've got a great set up and start here. If you're very concerned about canon, get a Beta to really challenge you. A beta can be a great person to read your story and tell you...well, maybe you should think about it this way.
Take care and have fun with writing this story further!!!
-schoenemaedchenAuthor's Response: Thank you! Yes, I was concerned with canon because although this ship is not canon, I wanted to write a story that was as believable as possible. Thank you =)
I don't quite understand what you mean. A story can't be steered by thoughts without dialogue? I can see how the flow might be a bit off, but I don't know if adding dialogue would help that.
That's a good point. I often don't realize when I repeat myself. Thanks for pointing that out =)
I appreciate your input but I'm going to have to disagree with you on the dialogue section. This back and forth dialogue is a theme that will continue throughout the story, and it's an important part of their relationship.
I'm sorry if this wasn't clear. Cedric got up from the table and walked away: that is as much as Hermione knew, because her back was turned to him. He is not back at the table, he is at a bookshelf, some few footsteps away from the table.
Thank you so much for your great review. I really appreciate it. =) Report Review
hello! Sorry this review has been so long in coming.
I am a bit skeptical of the pairing. I am such a Ron/Hermione fan that this pains my heart a bit. That aside, I can get onto your proper review.
I think that this was very well written. The game between the two was endearing, young, and sweet. I do believe that a meeting like this could have happened in the library in the book, so as far as canon goes, so good. I'm anxious to see what you do with this pairing as the story progresses. I'm sure that keeping this in compliance with canon is a task. I'm also sure that you are doing it justice.
this was lovely!
MelissaAuthor's Response: No problem. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond! I understand your skepticism. I am a Ron/Hermione shipper myself, but I wanted to explore other options.
Thank you! Plausibility is important to me, so it's great to hear that you thought this could happen in canon. Thank you so much! Report Review
Aw, I liked this. (: Even though the scene was different then the book, I liked yours. I have theories about what he meant when he was talking to Hermione, but I'll keep them to myself.
(: I really like this story, and I'm looking forward to the next update!Author's Response: Thank you! Ooh, theories are good. Keep thinking and keep reading! XD Thanks so much! I'll try to update soon. ^_^ Report Review
sweet! whats the title mean? and how do u make banners? i want to make some!Author's Response: There's a quote that says, "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones," meaning sort of the same thing as the pot calling the kettle black. Next time I see you I'll teach you! Thanks! Report Review
love it. awesome. stellar. technically, hermione's got 3 triwiz champ friends. Harry, Ced, and KRUM! lol
ur cuzAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks so much! ^_^ Report Review
I am FINALLY here - your request came on the day I went back to uni and life has just been crazy since, but it's a day off today and I'm ready to knuckle down to this.
First of all, that first line was actually one of my favourites. I know it's perhaps a bit generic but I love the simplicity of it and the way it sets the scene like that -clicks fingers- . This is the first Cedric/Hermione that I've read as well. Not sure how popular the ship is but it's interesting! I'm really interested to see how this all plays out, actually. He's not got that long left, really. You've got my interest captured.
In terms of plot, I can't really judge much off one chapter but I think that it's a very good introduction to the way the relationship between them begins. I'm really unsure about how it's going to progress so, again, the reader is captivated by this.
You asked me to focus on canon so in terms of characterisation, I think you're doing pretty well. Again, difficult to judge off one chapter but Hermione especially is very good. Her voice is quite strong and memorable, and true to canon, so I guess that's pretty much perfect. Cedric you have a bit more liberty with. I think there's a...cheeky aspect about him that is very similar to my interpretation of him in canon. I can't think of an example but he is identifiable as Cedric here. I'd really like to see where you take him with the bit of liberty that you have.
I really liked the switching of perspectives. I am hopeless at writing it so I rely on reading it and you didn't disappoint. It was very effortless, the changes were very well marked. Excellent. Hermione's perspective flowed really well - every section of it was very good, very consistent and well written.
However, Cedric's, for me, was disappointing. It was stilted and a bit awkward. There was a lot of 'Cedric did...and then Cedric did...' and it made the opening paragraph very difficult to read, and the later parts. I'd perhaps go back to it, try and add in 'he' etc every now and then to loosen it up, especially since he is really the only male in question. It reads very strangely at the moment.
That is, however, my only criticism. I thought it was a very good start, an interesting ship, and what I am sure will be a fantastic plot.
xAuthor's Response: Thank you! And now I'M finally here. So sorry it took me forever and a half to get here to respond. =(
I'm glad you like the first line. I actually don't like it anymore, but I can't imagine starting the story any other way, yknow? I'm glad you're interested! I don't remember how I got into writing Cedric/Hermione, but it wasn't about the popularity. (Cedric/Hermione took off after Twilight came out in the movies, but I never got into Twilight.)
Yay! I'm glad you think Hermione is well written. I find her actually very difficult to keep canon because the book-Hermione and the movie-Hermione I feel are totally different. I haven't read the fourth book in a while so I was afraid that I would be writing Emma Watson instead of Hermione XD But I'm glad you think I wrote her well. =)
Yes! The cheeky aspect of Cedric is what this whole story will be based on. I find that Hermione would be able to match him there, and that's how their relationship will grow.
Thank you! I was afraid the switching would jar readers. =)
That's a good point. I'll try to clean up his narration in the future. Thank you so much for your awesome review! I really appreciate your thoughts. =) Report Review
Wonderful work. Your scene with Cedric was the first deviance in the story here, which I think was alright. It seems a bit odd that Cedric would bring Cho with him to talk to both Hermione and Harry, but whatever. I understood what Cedric was saying to Harry, but the bit to Hermione wasn't as clear. I guess it will all be revealed in the next chapter, but I'm going to have to think for a bit. Nice work though, and I like what you've done with the Yule Ball so far. (I'm not sure if you're continuing in the next chapter or if this was the end.)Author's Response: Thank you. I should have checked the book to see how it actually happened, but I had this scene in my head for a long while and I just wanted to write it. =P I'm not going to clear up what went on between them because that's part of the mystery that keeps their relationship alive, I think. =) Thanks so much! I really appreciate your reviews ^_^ Report Review
ahh...i can't wait until you update. you are doing an amazing job with making this so realistic. keep up the amazing work.Author's Response: Thank you! I will update soon, I promise. Thank you so much for your great reviews! Report Review
interesting chapter. can't wait to read some more.Author's Response: Thank you! I hope you continue reading and see where this goes. Report Review
the end was quite sweet. here i go onto the next chapter.Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you're interested. =) Report Review
I am back to review one more chapter! =D
Anyways, the whole Hermione/ Cedric was very adorable, and I was smiling while reading it. I noticed you like to use a lot of detail and that very good. Sets the image for a reader.
Nothing happened in this chapter, so I cant say much. Everyone needs filler chappies once in a while.
NataliaAuthor's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you are enjoying it. I love writing their cute little encounters, too ^_^
Thanks! Report Review
I love this chapter. I love the confusion and being torn between Cedric and Krum and I love the fact that she thinks of Krum. It's pretty funny, I'll admit.
No Grammar/Spelling (You're an angel for not having any)
Humour- Tasteful and just enough. I was laughing at the 'rine of the cantalope thing' Very well thought of.
Umm... what else?
I adored the banter at the end. It was witty and smart - just how I imaged their conversations would be.
I felt so sad when she said no... now he has to go with Cho. Suck. (You might've noticed I REALLY don't like her)
Anyway. What else?
I like the story.
I've mentioned the few things I thought needed mentioning and yeah.
Check back with me when you post more chapters up! I wanna read them!!
xxAuthor's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.
XD I can see that you really don't like Cho. I don't understand why people don't like her, but I did paint a pretty gross picture of her here =P
Thank you so much! I'll definitely let you know when I update. =) Report Review
A few things;
A- Use an indent or [---] or along those lines to identify the changing of POV's.
B- I totally forgot about Cho. I dislike her as a character so I feel a little guilty.
You did go into Cedric's feelings for Hermione but this is canon for the both of them so where are their respective love interests for that year? Cho? Krum? I'm not concerned (unless you want it to stick directly to the book) because I don't think it's that bad. Although, if they aren't going to be love interests you should still explain why in your story if you're going for canon.
I really liked the last part with Cedric and Harry interaction and the misunderstanding to whom she was talking to. I thought it divided her standing. As an acquiantance who more with Cedric and as a best friend to Harry. The actual tournament scene was well written as well. I could almost imagine Hermione sitting there in fear and revolution. Perfect =] On the otherhand, I was worried when she started to talk about their secret relationship that she wouldn't remember that they had infact only talked twice. It doesn't seem enough for the type of feelings she'd envoked and you've written about and as for Cedric he seems much the same but why? What is it about her that he likes? That has made him feel this way? Why so quickly? You need to explain this so it makes sense to the readers.
I like the struggle you've written Hermione in. Like I mentioned, she has one foot in Harry bestfriend world and the other in Cedric I love you world and it really identifies well with the book :)
That's it, I think. I'll keep reading.
PS- Aren't Harry and Ron fighting at this stage?
(in my last review I wrote that it was Ron and Hermione over crookshanks but that's the wrong book. Harry and Ron were arguing right? I'll go check that up)
LexyAuthor's Response: I chose not to indicate the change in perspectives because I didn't want to break up the flow. I trust my readers can keep up.
I actually don't mind Cho, and I don't understand why most people don't like her. But I sympathize.
XD Don't you worry! Krum is coming. I haven't forgotten about him in canon.
Thank you! The tournament scene was actually one of the most difficult. It was so full of action AND emotion. I didn't want either to sound too heavy in the scene.
I'm trying to portray their relationship as simple so that there's a sort of irony there. We know that their relationship is NOT simple, but they are trying to make it simple to avoid any kind of confrontation. Excuse me, but I don't 'need' to do anything.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your reviews. =) Report Review
See here is the spark I was looking for!
You mentioned in your request that you wanted this chapter canon and I thought well... it is 'cept for the fact that.. where's Krum? Maybe he can be an annoying follower or something? If this is canon he should well appear... I think. I'm not great with the 4th book.
This chapter is coolio! ^_^ I found the beginning descriptive and well written. While I think it's early in their relationship for Hermione to be acting like Mother Goose I thought it was undeniably cute (to put it in the words of Cedric)
Grammatically, spelling wise I have no comments. It all seems to be good working order. I'm really psycho about that stuff so I would've picked up on major stuff... hopefully.
Anway, I'm going to keep reading ;) I really like this storyAuthor's Response: =D
Don't worry. Krum is coming. =)
I always pictured Hermione to be a sort of motherly figure to all her friends, so I didn't think it was out of place for her to be concerned about Cedric so early.
Thank you so much! I'm so happy to hear that you like this story ^_^ Report Review
Before I start reading, I'll start with your summary and banner. Banner=yumm! I love Cedric. But moving off my stalking.. I mean crush. Your summary lacks suspense and it should be about getting played than about them being in the library! You want readers to be so intrigued they RUSH to click the title and read it. Something about the game and something about the library!
The first thing I noticed, why does Cedric automatically assume that Hermione is away from her friends? He jumps to the conclusion that they must both be going through rough patches with their friends, maybe mention that Cedric saw the incident with Ron and Crookshanks and stuff. This is a first chapter and I love how it finished.
The banter between Cedric and Hermione is witty, funny and AWESOME! I do wish it had been a little longer as this chapter is slightly short.
You have great language and you've used it in your first chapter. I liked the end the most. It made me laugh. Cedric has just the right amoung of sarcasm and arrogance to make him interesting but he's still friendly enough for his Puffy house upbringing :]
9/10Author's Response: Thank you! I made the banner myself. ^_^
The thing about the summary is I don't want to give away what's really behind their relationship because that will come in at the end. It's not about getting played at all, to be honest. It's just about their relationship starting on an odd foot.
Thank you! The chapter maybe isn't as long as those that you're used to, but for this story, I felt shorter chapters would be better.
Thank you so much! I'm so glad you like the story thus far ^_^ Report Review
I am impressed how good this is because I am not a big fan of Cedric/Hermione. The story is good written, and is flowing smoothly. About the characters, so far they are great to my opinion. You are staying as canon as possible, you are not J.K.Rowling to make them perfect. :)
I was surprised that is it so interesting because I honestly thought the chapter was going to be boring, how much fun is it to read about the library? I liked the idea for Hermione being to proud to turn around and look at Cedric.
So far so good, cant wait to read more.
NataliaAuthor's Response: Wow, really? Thank you! I've just gotten into Cedric/Hermione and I really like the pair. It's really fun to write. I'm glad you like the story thus far!
XD It's good to hear that you were entertained by this chapter, even though you thought it was going to be boring. I can see where you'd get that impression.
Thank you! Report Review
Another amazing chapter :).
The characters of both Hermione and Cedric are so well written! They are both perfectly canon, but in some way different, too. I love Hermione's concern, and Cedric's playfulness. They work so well together, too.
I love the dialogue between Cedric and Hermione. It tells so much about their characters, and it's fun to read, as well! The romantic feelings between them seem totally plausible and natural.
The description was well done, although perhaps work on a little more showing. That was the only CC I could think of.
Again, absolutely 10/10.Author's Response: Thank you! This is the kind of relationship I'd always imagined they would have, and I'm kind of bummed it never happened in the books, to be honest =P
Thank you so much! Plausible and natural? Wow, the best compliments ever.
Thank you so much! Report Review
Ilia, you've done it again. You amaze me each time I read one of your stories. I was a little sceptical about Hermione/Cedric, but I might just have to start shipping it.
You kept both Hermione and Cedric so well in character, keeping their flaws and strengths, but adding an extra dimension to them which worked perfectly.
The idea that Cedric would escape from his friends to the library just fit so well.
The plot flowed really well, and it was a good start to what is a promising story.I especially liked the part when Cedric tricks Hermione into looking to see who it was she was talking to. It made me laugh, but that might just be me.
I absolutely adored the dialogue between Cedric and Hermione, it was really well written and sharp. I'm trying to think of some CC, but I just can't do it.
10/10, definitely.Author's Response: :D Thank you! I don't know what got me into Cedric/Hermione to begin with, but I'm really liking it. Glad you are too!
Their personalities are the hardest part to write because I want to stay canon but still move around in my own style and ideas. I'm trying really hard to resist temptation to go OOC!
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your review ^_^ Report Review
Two typos: Hermione not wanting the boys to ask her advice on who to ask "our" and feeling the "rine" of a cantaloupe (excellent description, by the way). And going briefly back to the circumstances of the first typo, I loved the way you pointed out that Harry and Ron were wrecks leading up to the Yule Ball and Hermione not wanting to endure them!
OMG, this chapter makes me want to pull my hair out! Gah! I know you're sticking with canon, but this was just cruel. Oh, the irony. After Viktor Krum asked her, I had this sneaking supsicioun that Cedric would wind up asking Hermione to the ball too, but I didn't expect to feel so disappointed about her having to refuse. Something about their light-hearted banter made the scene seem more sad, somehow. Poor Cedric. (And in turn, poor Harry.)
I thought your depiction of Viktor Krum was fantastic! I have a tiny soft spot for him myself. He's not my favorite character or anything close, but . . . I don't know. I think he's an OK guy. I can see why Hermione wouldn't be very taken with him, though. Haha, I enjoyed the way you described his heavy boots, his brick face, his rough skin. You definitely painted a great picture of his character.Author's Response: Oh geez. Typos are the worst. Thanks for pointing them out. I'll get them fixed.
XD Don't pull your hair out! Canon is cruel, isn't it? I love twisting it into situations like this. =P
I actually...hate Krum. I don't understand how anyone would like him. I'm not a fan of the harsh exterior, or the accent. I'm glad I could put my own opinions of him aside and 'paint a great picture of his character' though.
Thank you! Your reviews are awesome. Report Review
I found at least one wording issue in this chapter: "only until he confirmed his health that Hermion let out a breath of air" should be "only before he confirmed his health." I thought I saw something similar earlier in the chapter, but I can't find it anymore. Also, at the end you say Hermione is careful not to touch Harry's bruised body, yet she's hugging him. In my mind, at least, that qualifies as touching, especially as it's not a quickie air hug.
I wasn't crazy about Cedric's POV sort of randomly being inserted in the middle of the chapter. It was a bit jarring for me. However, I did like having that peek into his mind before facing the dragon. I'm not so sure about him saying he'd grown to care for her, though. It would be more honest to say he has a crush, because he barely knows her at this point.
I actually liked Hermione's thoughts best of all in this chapter. It was so interesting to see the dragon task from a spectator's viewpoint. I've tried to imagine it before, but I never imagined something this good. Anyway, Hermione's worry and anxiety shone through very clearly in this chapter. Her thought about how people have died was especially good. Also her thoughts about the secret Saturday and then realizing she doesn't "deserve" to be any more passionate about his safety than the rest of the crowd.Author's Response: Thanks for pointing that out. I'll fix it.
I see what you mean, but perhaps you felt that way because I'd been telling the story in Hermione's perspective for so long leading up to this point. I'm trying to add more balance between the two storytellers as the story progresses. I'll try to keep it more even.
Thank you so much! I'm so glad you are enjoying this story. I love writing it ^_^ Report Review
In your request, you mentioned if I could maybe comment on how close you are sticking to canon. Well, I'm really not the best person to ask for that, to be honest. GoF is my second least-favorite book, and I'm not well-versed with its time-line. I do think it was Harry (not Ron) who found out about the dragons, though. Hagrid took him to see under his Invisibility Cloak.
Also canon-wise, I do not believe that Cedric and Hermione ever got together or had these encounters, but there's nothing to specifically say they didn't. Therefore, I believe you are doing a good job of fitting the events of this story into the framework of JKR's books.
How about some actual comments on the chapter? I am so pleased to see that Hermione hasn't "abandoned" her friends. It drives me up the wall when Harry or Hermione become completely distant from their friends due to a new love interest. It especially bugs me when that happens in the first few chapters of a story: poof, five-six years of friendship erased because of a thirty-second kiss.
Anyway, I liked the way you described Cedric and Hermione meeting one another's eyes in the Great Hall, and the way you contrasted Hermione's reaction to Cedric's name being called and Harry's name being called. The middle section of the story was a little slow and not especially interesting, but this chapter was so short the slow part didn't last long.
The interaction between Cedric and Hermione at the end was the best part of this chapter, in my opinion. It was fun, awkward, and cute. It really made me want to see them together!Author's Response: To be honest, I didn't actually check on minute details like that. I should have, since I'm preaching about canon so much with this story. I'll do better next time. Thanks for pointing that stuff out.
XD I know Hermione and Cedric never got together like this, but I mean am I sticking to canon as far as everything else goes? Within the confines of canon, do you feel like this relationship COULD happen?
Thank you! I don't think Hermione could ever abandon her friends, even if she wanted to. She's not the type of ditzy girl who would ditch her friends for a guy she's interested in, even if it is Cedric Diggory.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your review and I hope you enjoy the rest. =) Report Review
what another beautiful chapter for this story my dear. i cann't wait to check out the other ones that you have posted when i find the time. keep up the amazing work.Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you like it thus far. I'm looking forward to hearing your reaction to my later chapters. =) Report Review
Aw! Poor Cedric and Hermione. It's good, though, that you're keeping it canon.
I like this story. (: A lot. And... Yes, I think I've said that (a lot) before, but ah, well. And awesome, with the quick updates. :D It's really awesome to be able to read a new chapter so often.
I did, however, notice a grammar thing... When you were talking about Durmstrang, right after a parentheses, you spelled it wrong. I think the M and R got switched around...
Yeah. Anywhoo, I enjoyed it. :D
-JasmineAuthor's Response: Thank you! It's so hard to keep it canon. I'm very tempted to stray away =P
Thanks! The queue was 3 hours at one point so I had to snatch up that opportunity. Yay validators!
Oh geez. Thanks for pointing that out.
Thanks so much! Report Review
Oh, how sad! Cedric was like two hours too late! So close! But at least you're keeping this following the book for now.
And yes, I am following this story. I love Cedric/Hermione stories mostly because I like Cedric but not Cho and I like Hermione, so there you have it. I think that you're doing a wonderful job so far and I really enjoyed the explanation of how Hermione is doing her best to not see Harry and Ron torture themselves about the Yule Ball. Anyway, excellent work, and I admire how quickly you get your updates up. I appreciate it!Author's Response: Thank you! I'm trying to stay as close to canon as I can while still writing with my own voice. It's a difficult balance, but it's good to hear encouragement. =)
Thank you so much! Report Review
Oh, wow. I just realized how this is going to end, since you're keeping it canon. ): No, I don't want to see Cedric die again!
Er. Sorry. Anywhoo. I loved this chapter. I like this view into Hermione's mind, how she doesn't want anyone to know about her and Cedric, and yet she's SO worried about him.
Aw, the ending was sweet. And it's really realistic. Even if i do love Harry...
Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed this. (:
-JasmineAuthor's Response: =( I know, right? It's sad, isn't it?
Thank you! I'm glad you liked this. Realism is what I'm striving for, so I appreciate your comments.
Thank you so much! Report Review
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