I'm sorry I've been AWOL. I know you know the story...a lone character walking along a lonesome road, attacked by the dreaded RL monster. What grates on my nerves even more is that no one has left you a review till now. I must keep trying to rectify that.
Now, down to business. This was the best passage in the chapter:
"Right... genocide doesn't exactly foster notions of revelry."
Poignant. I really liked that. So much said in a snarky comment that really wasn't meant as snark.
And this was awesome:
'"I could care less if you keep me on second rotation for the remainder of my career. I didn't join up for the pretty uniform or the accolades. It is within your power to dismiss me, of course, but it is not within your power to make me feel unworthy of the colours that I have bled for."
Moody left the maestro at the shrine. As he walked to the exit, he noticed that his dress uniform had started to change colour from grey to black. A double chevron magically threaded at the cuff of his sleeve. He closed the door behind him and was surprised by Shacklebolt, who had been standing guard outside.'"
Brilliant!!! I was really worrying about Alastor not being promoted. I should've known better because this sequence was outstanding. Not only was Alastor's cheek excellent go-to-hades grade awesome, but the promotion and, especially the uniform change thereafter were pure brilliance.
Running into his old fiance was hard, especially the jibe about his blood status from her husband. TOS won't allow me to say what I want to, and you should take it as a compliment that your writing inspired such vehement anger from me. Well done, mate!
Also, the intro, flashing back to GoF was excellent.
I do hope you haven't given up on this tale. Even though i've been tardy, I'm still here and still reading and enjoying every minute.
Hang in there, mate!
EldyAuthor's Response: Hi Eldy,
Thanks for coming back.
Yes, I'm hanging in there, beating back the RL monster with my fountain pen. Report Review
Amazing work here Whitey. From one action author to another, this was INTENSE.
Lots of excellent flourishes, the armor, the lightening shield (I still like the slugs) and once again, a brilliant take on pre hogwarts aurors (a little attack of the clones here, maybe?)
Excellent stuff! Ventriloquus was simply brilliant!
And such a tragic ending after such an amazing chapter (liked the hit wizard/auror rivalry). What a stellar plot twist. Where in gods name do we go from here??
And, I can't help but wonder if Kingsley isn't going to be Alastor's illegitimate son?
Sorry I've been gone for so long, mate. RL struck again.
EldyAuthor's Response: Thanks,
The validators made me tone it down--something about war being too violent. :p Report Review
As always, the banter is excellent. As well as the interjections, like Dumbledore's "He'll listen to me." That was great!
I like the pre Hogwarts feel you have going with the Aurors. Its very similar to the feel Lucas achieved with the Jedi in the first three Star Wars films. Except this is really good ;)
Sorry I've been away for so long mate. RL called again.
EldyAuthor's Response: Thanks Eldy,
I know the feeling. Report Review
Again, its the little flourishes that make this tale. I loved the quantum physics explanation of apparation. Quite good. And the land trust twist on the plot is intriguing.
Happy New Year! Report Review
Again, sorry it took me so long to get back to this tale. Great work, as usual.
This was priceless: "Fletcher and I have this dynamic where we insult each other, he lies to me, I torture him, and somewhere between that parlay we arrive at some flavor of the truth."
Excellent flourish turning the boggart loose on him! Never would've thought of that and it was brilliant. And he's Mundungus' father (or uncle, depending) I really like how you're linking everyone in this universe up to canon characters. That's an excellent flourish.
And now we have a lead on the wand: Stoker.
Really looking forward to what comes next.
P.S. As usual, great banter, too.Author's Response: Thanks, Eldy, and Merry Christmas! Report Review
Pomona Sprout as a pole dancer and Elphias Doge as her john? that was priceless.
Especially liked the flourish regarding magical plants no longer being indigenous to England and why that was. Well done. Very curious to see how this will all turn out.
Queenie and Moody had a bit of chemistry on the dancefloor. I wonder if that will lead anywhere.
EldyAuthor's Response: Thanks Eldy,
Yeah, I had to make do with vines since pole dancing with a proper "pole" did exist yet. Hmm, maybe our beloved herbology professor invented it? Report Review
Excellent back-story development. I particularly liked your twist the priori incantatem won't work on the black market wands, given their qunatity. And Bunbley was an excellent addition. Forrest Elf? I'd really like to get more of his backstory later. Excellent twists and turns here, too. Really am interested in seeing what happens next.
Thanks for your continued interest, Eldy. (I just with I wasn't so far behind.) :( Report Review
Nicley done. I knew that the toddler was Sybil, but it was still a great reveal that they went to see Cassandra Trelawney. Her prognostications were cool, too. Right down to the veiled hints that Alastor would lose an eye (lost on him, of course).
Off for more.
Yea, I was gonna throw the leg in there two, but I figured that would be overkill. :p Report Review
Sorry for the delay - buried in RL. This chapter was a cool setup for what's coming. Bit disturbed at her reading his journal. Yikes. Good bit of humor there are the end with the car. Now, off to see where we're off to.
I hear ya, Eldy, I have two major projects in RL due before the end of the year, myself. Report Review
Hey Whitey, long time no read. Glad to see you're back. Excellent chapter.
The dueling was superb, as always; and no shortage of great one-liners, either. Brilliant flourish to have the Aurors switch sides - traitors always make for a nasty plot twist.
I especially liked the little flourishes, like your description of Fiendfyre and Moody's reaction to it. Also,the flourish that Shack and Moody could see each other because their robes were "tuned in", so to speak.
Plot wise, things truly are a mess. A full scale war with the giants would be an exceedingly interesting twist, but I'm not sure the Wizarding world would survive it.
I do hope the wait will be shorter for the next installment. But, again, its great to see you back.
EldyAuthor's Response: Working on the next four in tandem. Report Review
Reviewing via blkbry. I'm on vacation with no internet, so this'll be shorter than nrml.
Great chptr! The back story on the giants was stellar. Nice how you explained th origin of Hagrid. Totaly shocked at Ozy's death. Fits canon tho. well done!
Have a restful vacation. Report Review
Simply brilliant take on the giants. Excellent flourishes, development and backstory.
"Look on my works, ye mighty and despair!"
I laughed out loud when Bones hesitated in giving his name: "I have an Uncle Uh in Finland." Priceless, that.
Whitey, you never cease to impress. Anxiously awaiting more. I am curious when we'll get back to the "B" storyline, with Crouch. But I'm loving Moody's backstory, which only gets deeper and more interesting with each chapter.
I suspect Crouch is content to watch for now, like the opportunistic voyeur he is. ;p
Besides, I'm already at chapter 25 and haven't even gotten to the sixties yet. LOL! Report Review
I am thoroughly impressed with the story development, both of characters we know from canon and of those related to characters we know from canon.
Septimus Weasley as the richest wizard in the room was an unforseen flourish. And with it, you've created a fair amount of grist for storytelling, working out how, by Arthur's adulthood the money had either gone to another sibling or been lost.
Pomona Sprout? Never saw that coming. Picturing her as a call girl before she became a herbology professor? Brilliant stroke that.
And McG being a victimized woman? Intriguing.
Whitey, you never cease to amaze.
Hope more's on the way soon as this was a brilliant chapter.
Hello TEW, thanks for stopping by again. You've really kept the energy going. Next one's in the queue. Report Review
Sorry this has taken me so long but internet has been down and i could only get on at school. :(
Anyways to the review :)
Well, you said to pick apart but i honestly don't think there is much that i can criticise on. I actually got recommended this story (After you posted the review) by TheElderWand1 he said this was brilliant and It definitely lived up to expectations :)
General plot- I thought you had a good plot line, with good pace and plenty to keep the reader interested :) I really liked how you chose Moody and did him in his younger years becaus he is not a character i often come across as the main character. I like how you are flipping backwards and forwards with the memories you are really building up a good picture of his life before we knew him.
Moody- I thought you have done him extremely well, I think you've portrayed him well as the Moody we know and then gone even further to write him well as younger and practically an OC because of how much he would've changed from boy to old man. I think you've done well with his emotions and generally written him very well :)
Dumbledore - I have to say you did him impeccably well, in Chapter three it was amazing how well you captured who he is almost exactly, it's like you're in JKs mind or you've met Dumbledore, i don't think i've ever seen him written so well :)
You have a way with cliff hangers, almost every chapter kept you wanting to go to the next. I was lucky this chapter wasn't a cliff hanger as such or i might've read on.
I think you really understand how you're characters talk and act and that really comes across in your writing.
Tom - Another character you have written brilliantly, He was so evil, i loved it. It was the beginnings of Voldemort coming out there, it was brilliant. (I use Brilliant a lot don't i..must be Britishnees in me ;))
McGonangall, Barty, Peter - again all done well, though i felt these characters were a bit vague, I think with Barty you could go deeper emotionally and have the whole villain has to tell of his evil plans thingy there but as we already know and he is not hugely important i don't really mind :D
Druella - Brilliant name :D I thought you did her very well, i don't know how chronologically you're doing this but i would've liked to see a bit more of them in school years and have more of the Gryffindor/Slytherin rivalry and a Romeo/Juliet type thing in there (Cliché yes, but it works ).
I love the memories, i think that's a really good idea. I have to say i thought when Moody showed Barty that reverse memory..that was genius. :)
I thought your story was realistic, you understand your characters and are emotionally in touch with them which is so hard and i commend you for that. :)
Finally as far as i can see your grammar is good (Unlike mine ;))
So, overall WOW! and well done :D
TheProphecy xAuthor's Response: Thank you very much for the thoughtful comments. Report Review
Great chapter. This absolutely cracked me up:
"He paused when he noticed Reuben giving him the kill sign and gritted his teeth. 'He's standing right behind me isn't he?' "
I laughed so hard I drew stares.
Lots of good banter here, especially Angie's choice of date. Liked that you through in the Korea reference to help give a date background. Hmmm. 1951-52?
Pomfrey was a great touch; I really enjoy seeing familiar characters thrown in the way you do it throughout this tale.
Speaking of which, what was up with McG and and the Wizengamot member? Curious...he couldn't have been Dumbles. Interested to see that mystery resolved.
I can only assume tho, that most of your OC's will be killed when the First Wizarding War begins, that is, if they haven't retired by then. Just the same, seeing that war looming in everyone's future always casts a pall over an OC's prospects.
Really enjoying this Whitey. I'll continue to stump for this tale and see if I can't get more folks over here reading and reviewing. They really don't know what they're missing.
EldyAuthor's Response: Hi TEW and thanks for the review.
I knew you'd appreciate that Korea reference. ;p
Don't you know, Aurors don't die...they just fade away.
Don't worry. I went into this knowing that Moody isn't a popular character to read about. I'm surprised it's getting any reads at all, really. XD
See ya next chapter. Report Review
Awesome chapter! Sorry it took me so long to get here. RL has been kicking my posterior.
The action scenes here were superb, as was the new magic you've thrown in. The succubae (sp?) were an excellent touch. I had a bad feeling about them once they started to come on to the Aurors. Good thing they did too.
Reuben and Allie's banter is priceless. I especially liked "...she has Eczema?"
Perfect ending, weaving Dru back into the mix via succubus. Really is his achilles heel, ain't it?
One small thing. I think you meant the prewett twins as opposed to the weasley brothers.
A very solid, well written and entertaining chapter. I hope there's more coming.
Hi TEW, good to hear from you!
Same here, RL tis very demanding.
I'm actually playing upon hints dropped in cannon that Authur Weasley may have had at least two brothers. Now as to wether one of the kidnapped Weasleys was Authur himself...who can say?
The Prewett twins? They will make a significant appearance in the third act. (Don't tell anyone. :p) Report Review
Hey, it's me again, and by the way (off topic a little) I'm eating a bit of ice cream at the mo (I know, in this weather? I mus be mad) so bare with any spelling mistakes I make :)
right, I was kinda disapointed by how short the chapter was, but the brilliant interaction with Riddle made up for it. I forgot to mention in my last review tha I loved the subtle refference to Riddle by Dumbledore and the follow up you've give it here. Theres somethin kinda morbidly fascinating bout the fact that they get on well (especially considering how Moody dies, an all). Were they friends at school? Or did they just respect each other's magical skills enough to look past the Gryffindor/Slytherin uniform?
But, I've gotta admit, I thought Tom Riddle's dialogue was a little too informal, y'know? I always imagined him keeping up a kind of arrogant, formal thing when he spoke to people, even if he knew them well. And I'm surprised Moody's intuition hasn't put him off Riddle. Still, just my personnal oppinion. I'm still loving your story :)Author's Response:
You are very perceptive. Riddle is acting a tad odd, I agree. Report Review
Ha, that was brilliant, my favourite chapter yet. I loved all the interactions with each character. I liked how Dumbledore put a stop to Moody's training and their whole conversation was interesting (added another layer to their meeting in the hogs head in Chapter 1). I was pretty surprised to see McGonagall playing nurse at Moody's bedside, put you wrote the scene so well it made it really believable. Oh and I absolutelly love the whole Moody/Druella bit and the hint of Druella's granddaughter's traits coming out there? I get the feeling that Moody might have a hand (and a bit more, y'know) in the birth of Tonk's mum, Andromeda? I did always wonder why they didn't turn out evil like Bellatrix and Narcissa, hmm, intrigue :)
Oh and the whole scene where Moody winds up Crouch was just hilarious! I mean, jees, didn't old Alastor get around or what? Oh but, by the way, I spotted one spelling mistake: "And you stay outa my head, boy!". 'Outa' should be two 't's not one. 'Outta'. But yeah, apart from that, it was awesome!Author's Response:
D'oh! How did I miss that? I'll fix that my next round of edits. Report Review
Whitey, its great to see you posting again. I'd begun to fear the worst.
As usual, the banter and little flourishes were excellent. The back and forth between Moody and Reuben was great, good "buddy cop stuff." The drinking contest was hysterical - nice bait and switch, at first I thought it was a wand to wand duel.
The slug/ear piece was a great flourish, too.
Fabian and Gideon are missing, eh? I hope they haven't already been killed by DE's. Great touch here having Mundungus selling their wands (and the untracable 12-shots was just brilliant - wand-running never occurred to me as an option - excellent!)
Hope the next chapter posts soon. You really do have an amazing story here.
Merry Christmas TEW!
Don't worry, I will never abandon ship. I got four more on the way. Glad you're liking it so far. I'm off to see what you've been up too.
(Psst. I image Fabian and Gideon Prewett are in their dorms safe and sound. ;p ) Report Review
Again, great chapter, my favourite bit was the wonderfully simple:
'The air smelled of death.'
Genius, I mean that sentence said all that needed to be said, y'know? Well that and the other wonderfull 'rigor mortis' bit. I mean, I'm a real horror fanatic and even I grimaced a bit there. You're definitely earning that 'mature' raiting :)
The only thing that jarred a little bit, for me, was how polite Moody was; it seemed more 'Dumbledore-ish' behaviour than Mad-Eye Moody's 'bouncing ferret' and 'zero-tolerance' attitude. But I guess I just always imagine him having little patience for monstrous and/or stupid beings. I mean, he never had much patience for Mundungus in the books, but then again I suppose that could be his age. Like you wrote, he was a different person back then. So, I guess I'll get used to this slightly different Alastor Moody.
Oh and one other thing, wasn't Levicorpus invented by Snape? Which means the spell wouldn't have been about until after Alastor's Auror Training days? Still apart from that, loved the chapter.Author's Response: Thanks PG,
Yea, I'm a minimalist, so I like to keeps things simple.
Alastor's polite demeanor was an irritation tactic; worked well, don't you think? ;p
Y'know, I've been thinking about taking out that levicorpus bit. The information I found on it was conflicting. I don't know if Snape invented it considering James Potter used it on him in HBP, but anyway I think using a nondescript spell will work better there in the end.
--WE Report Review
Hey, well, I don't write reviews much, in fact I don't really read many stories on the site because I'm kinda picky (which makes me sound stuck up :S but y'know, hopefully you won't hold that against me). But yours caught my eye. I like stories about characters who have a lot of depth and an interesting background, so Alaster Moody is an awesome choice. I loved the story blurb bit, about his battle being fought internally and I can't wait to see where you take that.
Right, I'm just gonna give a little constructive critism, if thats ok? I think your description is great when it comes to character (like Dumbledore having a very distinctive gait, etc) but the description of minor things sometimes feels a little unneccasary, like you've over elaborated on things that don't further the story. But thats just my personnal opinion, y'know? :)
However, your dialogue's wonderful. I think you've got Moody's turn off phrase down, the same with Dumbledore, I loved their little interaction. Especially the fact there was an element of mystery about certain things mentioned. It really was like eavesdropping over a conversation between two old friends. Plus there was loads of atmosphere, which I thought was great. Oh and using Pettigrew as a distraction and playing on Moody's enjoyment of punishing bad people (I don't mean that to sound harsh, by the way) was a great twist.
Right, off to the next chapter :)Author's Response: Thanks a lot PG,
I love concrit, feel free to pick things apart. It is always appreciated. I hope you'll enjoy this journey I'm taking with Alastor Moody. I hope to fill in some of the gaps in cannon, as well as introduce some unique interpretations of some things unsaid in the novels.
Thanks for reviewing.
--WE Report Review
Wow. Very well done here. I'm afraid I might just be all generally praisy again, but I'll try not to be.
The way you've woven the story in and out of the box (quite literally) is masterful! It is not wise for Mister Crouch to egg Mister Moody on, even if he IS in a box...
Well, now it seems that I have to wait patiently for your genius to produce another work of art. I will try to be patient.Author's Response: Thank you, I'm working in the second act now, but decided to make some revisions (the story lives and breathes on its own I'm afraid.) :) Report Review
Yeah, and Reuben is still behind the 8 ball at the end there. Of course the teamwork was going to get them there and mostly everyone recognized it before they all went up in smoke.
I love your "monstery" thing with the tentacles and all. That was so visual. It kept me so entertained! Smooth action.Author's Response: Thank you muchly, I enjoyed writing it. :p Report Review
Ok. I've been reading your story for a time now and just realized that I haven't left you any lovely notes yet. So here is one.
I really love your story. A lot. I think it's fresh and exciting and crazy and has great characters. Your plot rocks too!
I know that's all vague and generalistic, but it's true, so I don't mind sharing that with you. (making up words now...)
This Druella chick puts me off a bit, but I can see where Moody could fall hard for someone like that and hang on for dear life.
And now I have a question, and this is something that I've asked myself when writing stuff (not that I write much or anything as wonderful as this). I wanted to know why you chose to refer to your main character as "Moody" throughout instead of his first name. Is that the way he sees himself? Or is it the way you are most comfortable seeing him?
Curious...Author's Response: Good question,
I actually thought about that. The main reason was because that is the primary way JKR referred to him in "Goblet of Fire." Secondarily, for consistency; as I move forward through time he's going to take on different nicknames depending on who he relates to, but the narrative voice will always call him "Moody" just circumvent any confusion. Report Review
Whitey, I really think this is your best chapter so far.
Wrenching the way you've thrown us into Dru's wedding day like that - the whole time I knew somthing was desperately wrong, but, by the time I found out what it was...Just masterfully written.
And that evil little brother of hers was the rat? Excellent flourish - painful, but excellent.
Moody giving the prostitute the ring as payment...and then your shift to the "present," with Moody in his squallor - a great metaphor for what he must have felt like when he woke up hung over and depressed in that house of ill repute.
Excellent work. Don't keep us waiting too long?
P.S. I've nominated this tale for the Story Seekers podcast. With any luck at all, that'll give your readership a boost if they review it. Here's hoping.Author's Response: Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence TEW!
You humble me; I'll try not to disappoint. I'm actually trying to psyche myself up for the next act - 'tis a demanding vixen.
It's funny; my beta liked this one as well. This is actually one of the first chapters I conceptualized before starting the "meat" of the story. Weird how that sort of thing works out isn't it? Report Review
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