Ronsgirl29 here with your review, sorry it took so long, i've been super busy.
Anyway, I really really liked this! Heck, I loved it :D
The style you used was not one I'd see before, and I love a fresh take on things. And this is your first next-gen, without ever even reading it before? I'm impressed!
Your characterization of Scorpius is really nice. Too often people write him as the slytherin ladies man, so I was glad to see he was a shy ravenclaw. I've only seen that done a few times, but I like it alot :D
And then there's Lily, bless her heart she must be ADD because her brain is everywhere at once! But I liked that about her, it made her endearing. I especially enjoyed how you would have her go from one thought to the next- True friends, scorpius is true, it's true that Marcius the goblin died. haha I just loved how you did that!
So just for clarification, did you make Scorpius in the same year as Lily and Hugo? Because In canon he's about 2 years older in Rose and Albus' year. It's fine if you did, I was just wondering.
Over all, I really enjoyed this. Please feel free to rerequest when you get more chapters up, I'd love to see where you go with this!
-Ronsgirl29 Report Review
Hey its musiclover
I don't really read Scorpius stories so I don't know how much help Ill be here but here it goes...
I thought you got Lily down pretty well. Even though I imagined her to be the studious type and pay attention to her work, I think you wrote it well for being something 'different'
Your story has a very humourous tone but at some parts it didn't quite get there. It could use a little work but it didn't really get in the way of this chapters plot/storyline.
I like how Lily freaked out a lot. She's seems slightly paranoid about Scorpius. I also like how Scorpius' personality was hinted through out the whole story.
It seemed fine :)
Good story :)
musiclover Report Review
Hello there! Sorry it took me so long to get to this :( But here I am, with your review as requested!
First of all, I LOVE the style you've written this in. It really fits the character of Lily. And I adore her character. Her thoughts flitting back and forth were well written. Stream of concious can be hard to master, but you've written it really well here. I also like the bits in bold. :) Great job!
This story is really great so far. I'd love to see future chapters in my thread!
~ShilohAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I'm behind on reviews myself, so no worries at all. (Two weeks away does that to you.)
Thanks so much! The style was fun to write in, and I'm actually sort of going back to write more chapters and finding that it's difficult to recreate. But so many readers have actually enjoyed it that I'm trying my best! I have a few other fics to post first, though, so I'll have time to get back in the swing of things.
I'll be sure to request reviews when I post more! In the meantime, I may just have to request for a different story. ;)
V Report Review
I actually like the format you wrote it in, it's interesting to read!
Good job so far!Author's Response: Thanks! The style is very hit or miss, I think, so I'm glad you liked it. It was definitely a risk, but I think it was worth it. I appreciate the reviews!
V Report Review
I love it.
Not what I'd expected, but that makes it even better =]Author's Response: Thanks! It's not necessarily what I expected either! Hahaha, but that's what happens when I write. :) Report Review
Hey, it's InviWitchie019 here to review this story!
First of all, I'd like to say that I'm also not much on Next Gen fics and am writing one for a challenge as well.
Yes, well, moving on. Due to the kind of unique writing style you used for your story, I got a bit confused at first. Not to worry, I got a hang of if in the middle of the chapter and when I reached the end, the effect was really good.
Lily's characterization was good. Her thoughts were very light-hearted yet showed a lot of her opinion on things. Her thoughts on Binns and goblins cracked me up. You have a really good sense of humor and I laughed a few times reading this story.
I liked how Scorpius wasn't Slytherin. It was nice that he was a Ravenclaw unlike other Next Gens. You also made his mother a Hufflepuff, which is not that much written about too. I really like Scorpius' character here, he seems very charming.
Overall, this chapter was really good and I bet you'll win either first, second, or third place in the challenge this was written for. You're really good yet there's room for improvement. =)Author's Response: Wow, it's been eons. I apologize!
Yes, next gens aren't really my cup of tea. They just seem to invite the most cliches somehow.
I haven't read my fic in a while, and I did so today-let me tell you, even I was confused! Haha. I'm planning to update it in the future, and I'm almost positive I can't replicate the writing style, which would be sad, because people seem to hate it at first and then really enjoy it. Oh, well. Fingers crossed.
I'm really glad it could make you laugh! The whole point of writing this story, for me anyway, was to get away from the more depressing things I often write. It's good to know it worked.
I made a really conscious effort to stay away from cliches because I tend to associate them with next gens (like I said earlier). Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, to me, are the least cliche houses, and the more I played around with that idea, the more it seemed to work.
Thank you very much for such a kind and detailed review! Report Review
Hey, it's DarkRose!
Ok, recently I've changed to reviewing in paragraph form... That was random, ok, here: great opening chapter! I really, really liked this style. It was really easy to read, but catchy and cute. I liked that it was sort of her diary, but more just like putting thoughts on paper. It's a very REAL thing to do (haha, I do it myself). Really like how you're approaching the ship. I love that they're best friends and EVERYONE knows they're meant to be, but they haven't spoken of it yet. That's so realistic. Lily's thought on Binns and Goblins were golden. Loved the line "The faster you die, the less time underage witches and wizards have to spend hearing about it." Really, really funny. You're doing wonderfully. I seriously can't find anything to criticism. Characterization? Spot on. Descriptions? Vivid and age-appropriate. Voice? Awesome! So there, I suppose I can't think of anything else to compliment. Great job! Keep it up.
--DracoFerret11/DarkRoseAuthor's Response: Apologies, first, for the eternal wait for a response. With college apps and a horribly critical first semester, I had to literally force myself not to sign on to HPFF. :(
I'm glad you liked the style! It's obviously the quirkiest part of this fic, so it's sort of hit or miss. And I do it, too! (It's hard to concentrate when there is just so much more going on in life!) And you get my sense of humor! :)
Thanks so much for an incredibly flattering review. You're seriously making me blush, and I really appreciate the time you took to leave such a detailed review. Report Review
hey, this is tessae from the forums with your review!
the biggest comment I would have is that this is more an inner monologue than a story. I understand you're trying to be funny, but I would reccomend a more disciplined style, or at least sticking with one style. this chapter is a bit all over the place. It's also a bit short--nothing really happens over the course of the chapter.
now for the good part... :-) I think you characterize Lily fairly well, and you have a good narrative voice. Your personality (as well as Lily's) comes through very well in your writing, and I can tell you have a good sense of humor. I think you have the potential to be very good at this, it will probably just take a bit of practice.
I hope that helps...I would love to read the next chapter when you get it out, so if my review didn't sting too badly I would love to see the next chapter :-)Author's Response: WOW! Thanks for such a spanking fast review!
I definitely understand what you're saying. There isn't much plot so far, as it's mostly character introduction. My idea for the following chapters is that each will relay the plot of what happened the day before *after* her History of Magic class. (Which, of course, will be one failed attempt after another to try to confess to Scorpius that she likes him.)
The style I'm going to stick with, simply because the idea is that the story is written on her history notes over the course of ten days, but I'll take your suggestion to add more plot, for sure. (It was already going to be the case, but I guess I'll try harder to focus on a little more action.)
As for length, honestly what I did was I sat down for the amount of time a "double period" takes at my school, and cranked out a chapter. I thought it would be more genuine that way. Reading back, though, it does seem awfully short. Hmmm...Maybe it won't be so bad if I fudge it a little. ;) Maybe witches have wicked fast skills with their quills.
Glad you noticed that both of our personalities are coming through. I usually try very hard to suppress myself, so none of my characters really come out like me, but with Lily, having never read a Next-Gen before, and at a loss for what to right, I didn't try to suppress myself because I figured it would be a good chance to cheat by letting my voice come through. Reading any of my other work, you'd think they are two completely different authors.
And funny you should mention practice! When I was in the shower today, the thought popped into my head that I might not be able to repeat the style or voice that came out in this first chapter, since I've written another one-shot in my old style since then. *worried*
This was definitely a helpful review! Exactly the kind of thing I was looking for when I requested, so thank you very much! Your review did not sting at all! I'm one tough cookie, and you left praise as well. I knew when I started to write this that it needed plenty of work. It's not my favorite thing I've done so far, but I like to challenge myself, and I'm trying to reach a wider audience of readers, so it felt like a necessary step to take. Anything that can help me improve will always make me happy! So, I'll let you know when I update. Thanks again!
I kid, I kid.
The first paragraph in the "Description" part was a little confusing, mainly the last part of the sentence. I read it over and over but couldn't really decipher it.
One other thing is when you were saying "a lovely personality. He's mellow. A true scholar." who was it that you were talking about. Scorpius (SM!)? If it was, then I like how you've made him Ravenclaw, rather than the typical Slytherin, and his mother a Hufflepuff rather than a Slytherin :)
Other than that, I have nothing to comment on. You have foiled me again! Write bad! I demand it! xD
Although I found some of this a little confusing, I get that that's what you were going for. A note book kind of thing that reads like reading someones diary would, or some scribbles on a bit of paper. It's a style I've never really read before, so it's a little bit odd to adjust. By the end I found myself in the swing of things and it was REALLY good. I mean REALLY.
Y'know... it sort of reminds me of Bridget Jones' diary... if I'd ever read Bridget Jones' diary. It's written they way I'd imagine that to be written... If that makes any sense at all.
(Mental Note; read Bridget Jones' Diary to see if my theory is correct)
I love Lily's sarcasm, and the say she talks about her relationship with Scorpius. I can't wait until he comes into the picture too. (I'm slightly upset that I'll probably have to wait until after the queue closure!). She's not really the *type* of Lily I've read before and it's refreshing. I find I like it better, actually.
As for this being a "happy romance"; I think you should keep it this way. It seems to work for Lily's personality and the way things have are going (them being emotionally close before physically). That being said, I'm sort of anticipating that there will be some things that get a messy... It's the pessimist in me :)
Y'know -hides face- I may have to favourite author you after this, you do know that, right? Because... this is the THIRD dose of awesomeness I've had from you. THIRD. I've never OD'd on awesomeness before, but I have a feeling it'll be pretty cool and I figure that the only way I could do that would be to read the stuff you've written (possibly repeatedly/obsessively) until I just zone out because of the awesomeness. And if I die I can totally sue you for making me OD on awesome. -nod-
Wow. I'm always able to write/ramble for ages when it comes to reviewing things for you! 10/10 :) I shall be checking back!Author's Response: I actually got sad when I saw that unhappy face. But then I laughed out loud so hard when I scrolled down!
Whoa! I'm currently trying to re-write that section, actually. (2nd time today a reviewer and I have had trouble in the same place!) I wanted to describe this girl-catching bad boy and have the reader think it's Scorpius (and groan at his cliche-ness) and then surprise them by saying that it's NOT him. But I still haven't found the right balance. I'll keep trying, though, because I feel like it will work well when I hit it.
The mellow one is Scorpius. I have a thing with going against the grain. I wanted to make him a Huff, but I figured no son of Malfoy would ever be one. I thought Ravenclaw would be respectable enough for the son of a Slytherin. But, two Slytherin parents couldn't produce the Scorpius I had in mind, so his mom had to be totally out there. (Hufflepuff!) Happy you liked that deviation!
I feel like this style is going to be hit or miss. I was in the middle of doing some summer work when I realized that what I do during class would be an interesting style of fiction. (Lily's writing is like what I write when I'm "taking notes." Only for the classes where I can get away with it without hurting my grades!) I tweaked the style, but the general idea I took from what I do on my own. Oddly enough, I'm worried I won't be able to reproduce it!
That's on my to-read list, too! (But I may watch the movie first.) To be compared to a book that I recognize the title of, whether you've read it or not, is a REALLY sweet compliment. Thanks!
Sadly, you may have to wait even longer than the queue closure. I'm a challenge-aholic, and I don't myself drop out. So, I have a huge pile of stories ready to go through the queue.
Lily is the most "me" I've ever made a character. It's scary to do! Elements are radically different, but we're still very similar. I think my characters seem original because I haven't been influenced by any fanon next-gen personalities. (Never read it before, and I won't until I finish this!) I'm really anxious to read what others have written, so I can't wait until I finish up with this! I really want to find out who the "typical" Lily is!
You can definitely expect many "messy" failures before Lily finds success. Although, yes, this will be a "happy romance" in the end!
Reading reviews brings a smile to my face like nothing else, but reading *your* reviews actually gives me a huge grin that is impossible to wipe off. I'll keep re-requesting until you get that overdose! (Just don't die on me!)
Thanks a million times over for your review! Helpful, thoughtful, and encouraging. YAY!
Alright, I love Next-Gen, and I love Lily/Scorp. I know that's actually how ADD kids think, (I have that and ADHD myself) but most people don't read that way, and if you don't have it, it's really hard to read, (I had my little brother try to read it, he was totally lost, but then again this was his first HPFF) Other then that it's really good. I love how you have her sort of deviating from her assignment almost like a combination of a conversation with an ADD kid, and a diary entry. Really good!Author's Response: :D I had no idea Lily/Scorp was even a trend. Man, am I out of the loop. But I liked it when it was the ship I was assigned because just from reading story summaries, ScoRose seems to be the very popular one. And I like rarer pairs, so this already seemed more "me."
I think I have ADD, too, because that's exactly the way my mind buzzes. Not severely, though, and in a way that I find creative, so I don't want to suppress it. This is way more autobigraphical than any other thing I've ever written, though age-wise, it dates a few years back.
Your insight is really interesting and helpful! I can't believe you got your little brother to try, and I never even thought it was that all over the place. I guess it's a subconscious thing, where the connections make sense to me and flow. Really interesting tidbit. Thanks so much for sharing! (This will also be helpful when I get 50 reviewers telling me they don't get a single thing of what I wrote and they never want me to request again.)
Yeah, it's like Lily expects someone to be listening to her, but really she's just taking note of what's on her mind for her own sake later on. So it's like a baby between notes and a diary, exactly!
Thanks so much, and I'm glad you enjoyed. I'll let you know when more chapters are up. (: Report Review
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