Here again with your review request. First I want to say that I liked the back information about the Taylor family, but at the same time I have to admit there were a few things I was confused about.
I just got finished taking history 211 this past semester and in fact Zachary Taylor was on my history final. The one thing you have to be very careful of when using actual American history in your story, though modified a bit for your story, is that if you should make a mistake and a history major comes along they will pick it apart. So be aware that you might have to back up any changes you decided to make.
With that said. "American was discovered by the west." I have no clue what you mean by this. America was first discovered by the spanish and then later my Europe. Most of the time when someone says that something was discovered by the west I think of China which is technically to the west of America. Just something you might want to keep in mind when you go back and re-read this chapter.
You got most of the facts about Zachary Taylor right on. Except that he died 16 months into his presidency not 14. Though if I hadn't just had a history final on him I would never have known the difference. His son Richard Taylor died in 1879, so if another Taylor showed up on the scene in 1881, there wouldn't have been a 30 something year difference. President Taylor according to my history class had six children, knowing this and having you only mention the most famous two makes me think that you could use Taylor's other less known children as the linage for your original character. In fact if I remember right, other than sarah and richard, the only other child of Taylor that had children was his daughter Ann who had three kids by husband Robert Crooke Wood, including John Taylor Wood.
Other than that I felt the pace was nice and that the story was slowly coming along. I think now that some of the history is over and done with the story could progress faster.
I look forward to hopefully having you re-request so that I can read more of this story. Good job. Report Review
Here I am with your review request. To be truthful at the end of this chapter I felt as if it could have been longer. I wish I knew more about why James had ice in his pants and what he did to have Lily cast such a charm on him. The flow of the chapter was alright and the pace was pretty nice. I feel that you can expand it some, but you don't have to worry about it being slow. I feel that it is just fine at the pace it is currently. I don't think that you need the "For example" at the beginning of the chapter. I think that you can go into what each one is feeling about being back at hogwarts without it.
I am guessing that the announcement that Dumbledore was going to make had something to do with the boy that was found in their dorm. I am also guessing that the new boy had something to do with the pudding prank. At first I thought it was the boys but then again I couldn't figure out when or how they could have achieved such a thing and considering the comment that the boy made at the end of the chapter guides me towards thinking that he had something to do with it.
I am excited to see whether my guesses are right or not and look forward to reading the next chapter. Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your requested review!
So I think this is a really interesting start to a story. I've definitely read my share of Marauder-centric tales, and they have a tendency to sound much the same, but the introduction of this mysterious new character and his chocolate opening feast prank brings extra life to this one. It wasn't my impression that things moved too slowly here, or that the material was too dense for a first chapter. The ending does make me want to read on and learn more about the pudding prankster.
I do have a couple of little critiques for you, but these are just my opinion, so you can obviously take them however you'd like. One is that I was a little confused by the message. I don't really know what to make of "because I can", other than the idea that he charmed the pudding "just because". I know there's a distinct possibility that it might be elaborated on in the next chapter, but just having read this one, I'm not exactly sure what you mean. The other critique has to do with James and Lily. While the interaction concerning the meat is refreshing compared to the endless love-hate portrayals out there, it's my opinion that James would be more likely to act that way when he and Lily were actually a couple that had been together for a little while. For now, I would have expected him to be a little more interested in his friends and maybe a little bit rougher around the edges rather than completely doting on Lily throughout the meal.
Overall, I thought the flow was great and I didn't spot any technical errors. I liked your characterization as well, especially when I realized that Peter wasn't going to be left out in this story. The imagery you used when describing the catastrophe in the Great Hall really made me laugh and definitely brought the scene to life for me, especially the comment about how three-quarters of the final course was now splattered across three-quarters of the student body.
Great job! I hope this review is helpful :)
Recenseo 2012Author's Response: Amanda,
You're the best! I'm in the process of rewriting the first chapter to your requests. Thank you so much for your insight. Report Review
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