I can't help but once again say how great this story is. And it's a shame it has so few reads and reviews! I mean, your writing style is brilliant. As I've said before, Monet-inspired. And pears...! And tossing French phrases instead of writing in a pretend-French accent in English. And just EVERYTHING, okay? This story is perfect and I can't think of how you could make it better. Just as I did last time, I love the setting, the way you portray post-battle Hogwarts, the characters bieng introduced more through their actions or thoughts or what others say than by naming their traits straightforwardly... I want to read more of what you write!Author's Response: Aww, Elne! I know you want to read more and I was just writing some which made me think of you then look! you gave me a wonder comment. Thank you for loving my writing. ;p I hope to talk to you soon, Bejbiloki. ;p
--Axjion Report Review
The amazing way in which you portray the growing relationship between Gabrielle and Dennis is wonderful. It strengthens what I always say that it is better to talk about it than to hide things in your mind trying to forget, dwelling on the past.
That they do not understand eachother adds to the complexity and the beauty of your story and the way that Gabrielle realises what it is that he needs without knowing his words is pure.
I can really see this happening after the final battle, when Dennis and Colin who has been known as the Creevy brothers are parted. That is horrible. Yet you manage to describe it in a graceful way. You take all parts of being sad and grieving and make me understand that there are things that noone could ever possibly put their words on, but yet it is there.
The closest you can come is to be there and comfort.
You are indeed a wizard of words unravelling mysteries.
*huggles*Author's Response: I appreciate your kind words about my rather rare pairing. Wow, quite the compliment too. A wizard of words. *blushes* OH, YOU! In any case I never did get a chance to finish this story and as soon as I do (soon, maybe) I hope you do come back to see how it ends. Thanks for reading!
--Axjion Report Review
This story is so pretty and yet so sad, I can not even come close to imagine Dennis grief...
I love the way you make this story linger by each phrasing and how you use long and poetic sentences. It makes the beauty of the grief so stunningly pretty and almost brings tears to my eyes.
*huggles*Author's Response: WB! Another review *feels loved*
"Pretty" and "sad," huh? That's quite an interesting way to put it. I like that and take it as a compliment. The fact that it almost brings tears to your eyes moves me greatly. I, as a write, love to hear that my stories are touching someone on a deeper level.
-Axjion Report Review
I can't believe how pretty your writing is! the words are more like colours and you are the artist painting a masterpiece.
As I dont know any french I had some problems with understanding Gabrielle but I love that you kept her language and didn't translate it into something that isn't her!
Amazing chapter, amazing writing...
*huggles*Author's Response: Thank you for reading. I'm humbled to see you feel my writing like beautiful art! Oh yes, I try not to go out of character (I'm not a fan of OOC) so it was a stretch I guess, but I don't remember Gabrielle having a single line in the book anyway. Anyway, thank you for reading!
--Axjion Report Review
Hullo again! :D
I keep forgetting to say this each time, so I'll write it before I read. The use of present tense throughout this story - however much I dislike it in most novels and fan fics - works wonders and adds to the magical feel. There. :)
Oh, and page 253: was that in any way significant? It's where Ron ogles Fleur during the feast in the GoF. But you may have just chosen by chance. I like little hidden meanings like that, though.
But on to the chapter.
The world is a bit less magical now that Gabrielle leaves the pear tree and fireflies - or maybe they leave her as she realizes that this Dennis has problems he can't deal with himself...
I'm very impressed by how emotional the ending was. I'm probably very biased in saying this, considering that the situation is very similar to something that really happened in my life, but I really felt the emotions of the characters. And the setting was perfect for the message you were conveying.
This story was a wonderful read. I know it's still marked as a WIP, but to me, this would seem like the perfect place to end a short story. These three chapters were like three separate thoughts, but emotionally connected by the theme of Gabrielle finding out who Dennis is. Now that he lost that air of mystery, it could end... But it is possible to make the next chapters flow equally well together. I'm sure that if you decide to continue writing this story, it'll all go together nicely :)
What I also like is that you don't include pointless author's notes, something I've been guilty of in some of my stories *hides* It would break the narration and take away from the magical feel you established.
Wonderful read! I most certainly lessthanthree it (too bad there isn't an extra button, just for that...). Let me know when you post a new chapter of anything... Even if it's slash! (didn't expect me to say that, did you? :P)
~ AdaAuthor's Response: Elne!
So you noticed my use of present tense. Fortunately, it added a magical feeling to it for you. I'm surprised again; you don't like present tense? So weird, all (both, rather) of my stories are in present tense.
I don't think I like writing in past tense now that I think of it. That's just one of those things that society and I don't agree upon.
The page number was completely random, if I recall right. I wish I had been clever enough to make the number have meaning... next time, I avow, I will give them some metaphorical value; I, too, love metaphor and deeper meaning.
Someone else left a review saying something similar; the world seemed different, the chapter was different, less magical. It's a funny thing, the only difference in the world was the cold, long rain. Can something so simple really change dramatically the emotions the world gives to the reader? I digress.
Anywho, I won't mind your bias. ;p. It works here, haha. But in all seriousness, glad to hear that my setting, you feel, has once again served its purpose: to strengthen the story, the emotions. I think emotions should jump of the page and consume the reader. The reader should empathize, not sympathize, with the characters. This chapter seemed to relate to you in some way like that, I can tell.
That's a weird idea... ending this story here? I never thought of that. It's so interesting, it's almost... evil. I still unsure whether I'll write more. I planned for it to originally be 5 chapters, but the more and more I think about it, the more and more it seems like it'll turn out to be a novella.
Pointless author's notes, yeah no thanks! Ahaha. I personally can't stand A/N and try to avoid them. This story, and another I don't have up yet, are the only ones I think will ever have A/Ns.
This story... turning into slash... I don't know how I would manage that. I think there is a but for lessthanthree. Its called "add to favorites" though.
Ahahahaha. I'm kidding. Again, I'm not so self-centric.
Thank you for review, Elne! All your reviews are so smfah!
--Axjion Report Review
Axy, you impress me again!
I don't know what to expect from this story. You see, most stories on here have a definite setting, plot, clearly explained characters, a stated opinion for the reader to have and predictable twists and turns.
Now this... Personally, I feel as if I was looking at the scene through a layer of fog. As if I could see a part of a picture, but not the whole thing. As if the rest was clouded, so I can *try* to make out what it *could* be, but I'm probably not right.
And you know what? I love it.
But before I go on to explaining, another like: I like how you use Gabrielle's French origins as a plot device, instead of skipping over it entirely like a lot of writers do. Needless to say, the fact that you're able to construct sentences more complicated than a few words adds a lot to her character.
You have a very original writing style. Very descriptive, very light and very sensual. It's sort of like viewing an impressionist-style painting - you can spend days and days looking over every inch of it and marvel at how detailed it's done, but when you step a bit further back, the tiny spots of paint blend into colors and textures. And that's what I'm hoping to feel like when the story ends!
When I was reading this, I felt as if I was transported into some other world, that smelled of pears, fresh grass and clean air. Arcadic, I could say. Utopia. Neverland. In Gabrielle's world, everything appears to be perfect: fireflies, ripe fruit waiting to be picked, bare feet on soft grass. And if something isn't fine - like Dennis Nowgowaway (I Author's Response: Elne! Your review was cut short. What happened?
I impressed you again? I'm getting good at this; you're usually so difficult to impress ;p
I love what the call an "air of mystery." Holding back just a little, a smidge or tad, if I may, and only letting small dabs of plot slip through like water slowly draining. It's just a way I really enjoy writing, and thankfully you found it pleasant to read. You refer to it as fogg and cloudy, as I've often heard before, but whatever you use to describe it, I think the slow, subtle build up and reveal to that moment that defines a chapter is always delightful to read/write.
Oh yes, Gabrielle's French origions. I was actually going to make her speak English in the beginning, but then I thought about the book. Most of her lines were indirect things like "...and Gabrielle was jabbering away in rapid French with Fleur." I don't recall her ever having spoken English. But then again, it must've been something like 8 or 9 years ago when I last read GoF. In any case, I decided to bring her origions full circle and give the two characters that high language barrier to overcome. I'm happy you took it well. Some take distaste to the fact that I did use so much French in the story. But eh, can't please everyone all the time.
And has anyone ever told you that you give the most brilliant compliments in the world, right as rain, through and through? Impressionism is my absolute favorite style of painting and to hear (or rather read) someone compare it to it, using such vivid description and imagery, just makes my heart sing. That's what you truly did. You made my heart sing. La, la, la, la.
I did attempt to maintain something alike innocence with Gabrielle, (she being so much younger than everyone else in the book), and thus is why it had that utopic feel. As if, with all the naivety of a child, nothing could be wrong in the world---not if Gabrielle could help it. As long as my intentions are understood by the reader, that's all that matters.
Thank you a millionfold for another smfah (suoer mega foxy awesome hot) review.
(Smfah: That's totally my new word.)
--Axjion Report Review
Hi again - I'm reviewing as I said I would!
The first thing I noticed, not too story-related: do you actually know the difference between fuchsia, violet, magenta and crimson?
Also, it's a reader's fault, but whenever I see the world "slumber" nowadays, I think of Rumbleroar's slumbering cubs from AVPM - when Malfoy says why they can't have dances at Pigfarts, he says it would disturb them, which would make Rumbleroar mad. And that wouldn't make a person get a ride around on his back... :P
But on to the actual story!
I really like the way you can describe any setting and make it appear in my mind. It's not like I'm reading a story. It's not even as if I was watching a movie. I actually feel as if I leapt into a Pensieve or Riddle's diary and was viewing not memories, but the events as they happened. No foggy lines, no faded colors.
The whole scene you describe here is very heartwarming. Gabrielle comes off not as the character I always thought her to be, the "stupid baby sister", but finally a person of her own.
And you know what? I like her!
I'll most definitely be reading chapter two, but I need to go save the world now :P A rare 10/10 for you, sir!
~ AdaAuthor's Response: Elne! Hey there, stranger.
Violet is just another word for purple. Crimson is a bright red, alike lipstick. Magenta and fuschia are the same thing; light purples so timid, they're almost pinks. I'm old enough to know my colors. ;)
LOL! I love that scene. "They don't have dances at Pigfarts. It might disturb Rumbleroar's slumbering cubs."
You feel that you're actually watching events unfold? What a compliment! *blushes and winks* You know what? I think it feels that way because I use the present tense when I write, instead of the past tense like 99.9% of the population. I'm not quite sure why I do it. It just comes naturally to me. Lots of backwards things (in the view of society) come naturally to me. The only thing society really agrees with is my preference toward Ninjae.
*Feels complimented again, ego grows (j/k)* I'm so relieved you found my Gabrielle to be a person all her own and a likeable one at that. I know how you disliked her and your reasoning. You see? Given the right attention and humanity, all characters can be given their own soul.
Thanks for the rare 10/10. That's a firsy from you (from anything)! I appreciiate it. Makes me feel bad I haven't yet had the chance/time to read your stories... *tiptoes toward your page*
Thank you again Elne, for another supermegafoxyawesomehot review.
--Axjion. Report Review
I really love this story. It explores the relationship between people in the grand scheme and I wonder if that was your intention, to demonstrate that certain things surpass languages and cultures and everything. This is spectacular!Author's Response: Spectacular? Thanks ><
I didn't have that intention, the grand scheme ~ I'm guessing you mean the parts of a relationship that matter most? What an interesting thought. I must admit that the story does deal with a rather mature theme that would suggest something similar.
And yes, the idea that some things surpass all boundaries is a definite key here.
Thanks again for reading and reviewing.
--Axjion Report Review
I love the simple complexity of it. She's trying so hard, but she doesn't know quite what to do. I love that she was giving away something she really wanted to try and help him. It's so deep. *is awed*Author's Response: I already responded to this, but it seems it didn't go through.
I wrote this chapter just because I love pears. Best fruit ever. And the thought that she gives away something so important is just symbolic of how some things can transcend all cultural and linguistical barriers.
--Axjion Report Review
This was such a good beginning, really unique and very beautiful. You write so magnificently. I really am entranced by the beautiful words you chose. Oh, this is candycoatedhappiness by the way. Different name, same compliments. :)Author's Response: Hey cch!
First, thank you, thank you, thank you for the reviews. And you're right; I would have known it was you by that compliment "entranced."
I originally wrote after cruising through the ships list, I came across this ship name Silver Lake, which had the most adorable couple I had ever seen. When someone said they wanted to read one, I decided to (start) write(ing) one. I've been gone so long, I haven't been able to reread, fix or continue it.
Hopefully, ill start on chapter 4 soon.
--Axjion Report Review
Another update. :-) This chapter didn't have quite the same feel to it as the last two did, but I actually think that's a good thing. The first two chapters, while beautiful, didn't seem to have as clear a direction as I normally like to see. Here, I felt that you began to move the story in a more definite direction.
I like the repeated imagery from chapter to chapter of Gabrielle underneath the pear tree. In this chapter, though, you're beginning to characterize her more fully. In the first two chapters, she was a beautiful being full of innocence. She still is, of course, but we're starting to see a more analytical and (at the beginning) frustrated side of her.
I'm not crazy about the ending of this chapter. For one, Gabrielle seems to indicate that she understood what Dennis said, and yet--as she herself worried earlier in the chapter--they do not speak a common language. I have doubts that she would have such a nuanced idea of his speech. Maybe it's magic?
Secondly, I found Dennis' behavior somewhat . . . I don't know. It was off somehow for me. Yes, there was a poignant confession, et cetera, et cetera. However, I didn't really feel the emotion behind it, if that makes sense. I simply found the final ~10 paragraphs a little odd and off. I don't know how to explain it better.
What I did like about the way you characterized Dennis was that he was still brusque and hurting at the beginning of his interaction with Gabrielle. I think it quite likely that he would feel more able to open up to someone who can't understand everything he's saying and is so accepting and innocent and young. That's spot on. (Although I wasn't overly impressed by his statement about eating pears and catching fireflies with Colin. That was meant to be moving, but it was a bit like being whacked over the head with a connection to the previous chapters.)
By the way, something you might think a bit funny: You know that sentence where you wrote that Gabrielle was tired from a night of thinking? When I first read it, I thought it said Gabrielle was tired from a night of drinking. I immediately knew that wasn't right, but that's still what I thought (or maybe assumed?) it said.Author's Response: >< Sorry, I haven't been on for the longest while. I've actually moved. twice... since I was last on, (i've moved 5 times this year to date) and have just been too busy for much activity here these last few months.
Hmm. Thanks for the compliment: that this chapter seems to have a clearer direction. I think you're right. This chapter was a bit rushed in places and the characterization could have flowed a little better within itself. I'll have to have a look into this if ever I find time at all to spend on this site (if ever I find time to spend on the internet).
I was very intrigued in hearing you read "night of thinking" for "night of drinking". That's hilarious. With disregard to her age, she is probably the last character I'd expect to do so.
In any case, thank you, thank you for the review! I'll have to see what I can do to make this chapter better! I can't wait to return and catch up with you Alo.
-Axjion Report Review
AH! you realy need to update soon! i love this story!! *hands you a brownie*Author's Response: I do need to update it soon! Thank you for another wonderful brownie! *eats this one too* I hope you come back to read the enxt chapter when it's up!
-Axjion Report Review
aw! so cute! *hands you a brownie*Author's Response: You're the firs to give me a brownie! why thank you *eats brownie* I'm glad you like it! Report Review
Hi again - I was super excited to see that you had this chapter up when I got home, so thanks for updating so fast!
I think this chapter was a great addition to the overall story. The way I find it with most stories is that either the plot is too rushed or it drags, but it seems that each of your chapters has nice dialogue, internal character development, and a little piece of the plot fitted in. If that makes sense... it did in my head at least ;P
From the style of the story, it would seem that characterization would be harder, simply because the POV is out of your MC's head, but, for the third chapter, I'd say she's very well characterized. I love the way you portray her feeling sad for Dennis even though she doesn't completely understand what he's saying or what he's going through - it adds so much to her as a character.
Ah, I feel awfully long-winded now. Sorry if that review didn't make much sense, or if it was boring - but great job with this chapter, I look forward to seeing how the plot will progress in the next one =]
~CBGAuthor's Response: Don't be silly, of course your review made sense. (And of course I didn't find it boring -- I love your reviews.)
I'm happy so many of you find my pace nice and even, and my characterization of Gabrielle so refereshing. (I always thought as myself terrible with dialogue, so I cherish that compliment even more.)
Oh. Hmm. I'm not sure if I find characterization to be more difficult whether it's 1st or 3rd person (I haven't written much in 2nd person so I can't comment there.) I'm happy her sympathy for Dennis comes across so clearly despite their language barrier.
I can't wait for your review of my next chapter (which is up by the way!)
-Axjion Report Review
Hey, it's blueirony from the forums. Sorry for this long-awaited review! I wish I could offer some sort of excuse, but the fact of the matter is - I can't. Life got in the way. But here I am. It has, in fact, been so long that, in your original request, you asked for a review for one chapter. This now has two chapters. I am so sorry!
This was just... lovely. Your style of writing is beautiful. It's as if I'm reading poetry. Poetry that makes me smile and is almost... delicate? I don't know if that is the correct word to describe your writing. But that's how I feel. You breathe life into your characters with such simplicity that I almost feel like your story is going to break in half since you do it so carefully. I don't think what I have just written makes much sense. But it honestly is how I feel. I absolutely adore this. And I also get to practice my French which is an added bonus. (I only needed one translation to help me along the way!)
This is beautiful. Lovely. Serene. Picturesque. And just... uplifting. Which is strange since it's such a sad story. Especially this second chapter! Once I had realised who the boy was, my heart broke. Poor Dennis. He always was described as someone small and... fragile, I think, for want of better word. I think this is the first story I have read which speaks of how he deals with Colin's death and I have to say that I'm immediately hooked.
I also have never read a story purely about Gabrielle Delacour. That is also a refreshing change. It's something different I love it.
God, I don't know what else to say. I almost feel as though talking about this too much will ruin it. It's that beatiful. It's like a book that I've read, or a poem. And it's touched me in a way that I can't describe. And when I try to put into words what I feel, I become convinced that the English language does not have enough words to accomodate such a feeling.
It's... it's the descriptions. And the childlike situations. Childlike. Again, I don't know if that's the correct word. But the counting that Gabrielle does. Or even the confusion she encounters about Dennis's last name. It adds a layer of innocence to it. And it's just... beatiful. It really is.
And the setting. You chose wisely when you set this outdoors. It adds to the serenity of it. Your descriptions of nature give this something else. And I absolutely adore it.
I did, however, find one small thing that you might want to consider. You write, in the beginning of the second chapter: She knows that best pears are the ones picked on the fourth and final harvest, just a few days away
I think there might be a word missing? Or perhaps a word needs to be changed? "She knows the best pears are" OR "She knows that the best pears are". It really is something very minor. But I thought I would mention it.
I'm going to submit this review. And then I'm going to read these two chapters again. And bask in the loveliness of it.
You really have something special in the poetic way you write. I wish I could write like you!
-Ju :]Author's Response: Oh, I know what you mean! It's very okay. I'm getting usy with life and am unable to read and review right now. I feel bad because a freiend asked for a review and it's been a week and I still haven't found the time. But, of course, I realise that the we all become a little busy during the school season.
I want to skip to the end of your review for a second. I thank your sharp eye for that mistake! The day I rsubmitted the second chapter, everything kept messing up; words out of order, whole paragraphs moved. I ended up having to type in directly much of the story. Anywho, thank you, I will make sure to fix that soon.
I'm pleasantly pleased that you adore so much my writing style -- the usage of the French language, the outdoor setting, the innocence and the childlike reactions to such an adult situation. Beside that, the characters I've used. (I love the Gabrielle/Dennis pairing, though I've decided to go a different direction and not make this a romance at all).
I only made this an outdoor setting because I got the title from the name of the G/D pairing on the forums -- Silver Lake. I'm happy though, that it added something to the story.
The innocence has received a lot of comments as well. I just figured that Gabrielle, despite being veela, would have a sort of childish naivety to her, being that she is so young. She is a second year, I believe, at the end fof the series, so I figured (hoped) she wouldn't have experienced many of these more adult situations.
I'm happy you like my descriptive voice. People have said I have an almost dreamy, gauzy voice that adds something romantic and honest to the mood of my story. I'm guessing this is how you feel too because you call it beautiful and childlike.
You make me blush when you say you're going to rearead the chapters! What a great compliment for an author to hear.
I hope you come back to read the third chapter when it is up!
-Axjion Report Review
I didn't know if it were possible, but I think I may like this chapter even more than the first one. Like the first chapter, the description was superb. It was intricate and beautiful just like the budding relationship it is laced around.
Again, despite her lack of communication, Gabrielle is a wonderful character. She seems self assured though hesitant. I know that seems contradictory, but that's how it seems to me. She is a twelve year old girl, so I believe she is allowed to be contradictory. lol. :)
Boy is fantastic also... I do believe I can call him Dennis now. Allow me to rephrase, Dennis is fantastic. He has just completed his fourth year of schooling and is 15?? (If the timeline in my head is correct) I think you capture is shock and pain quite accurately. I knew a boy when I was that age whose big brother died. It was a very similar situation. Kudos on that...
I'm anxious to see where this beautiful friendship is leading... I'm sad there isn't a chapter 3 to click onto yet. I do hope you update soon.
-witness :)Author's Response: Awww, why thank you! I'm so happy you've found a place for this story somewhere in your heart.
I feel of course that Gabrielle would be someone pleasant. I don't know why. I just think she'd be so different from that cliche average Veela girl everyone has pictured in their head. Hmm. I think, too, that most people are really contradictory about things. But, haha, thank you for forgiving my transgression of making her so seeing she is a 12-year-old girl!
Dennis! Yes, Dennis! I should scroll down and read to make sure, but I'm too lazy. Only like 3 people guessed Dennis! Okay. So, I'm not saying I'm an experct on the psyche of teenage boys after their family members die, but I, of course, found this appropriate because it's a little like how I acted when my uncle died when I was a junior. So, I'm touched that you find his.. uh... what's the word? .. his reaction realistic.
Hm. I'm not sure that I'm going to actually make this a romance story anymore. I have a different plan now about something more innocent and perhaps more meaningful. I just don't think a romance story right after his brother's death will do Dennis any justice.
And he deserves to be respected especially in this situation because we like Dennis.
The next chapter is actually in the queue. I just keep forgetting to change that so it can be said on my page. I should go do that! I hope to see you review again soon!
-Axjion Report Review
Another good chapter, so nicely written, it flowed really well. The interaction between Gabrielle & Dennis was sweet, awkward and despairing all at the same time. Gabrielle is such a sweet character, I feel she has a touch of Luna Lovegood about her in the way she wants to help poor Dennis even if he isn't being very friendly at the moment.
Again I have to mention your use of language! It's a joy to read!!
Keep up with the story, it's moving along nicely and looks set to be a good one!!Author's Response: Again, I'm so blessed to know you like this story. You, alongside others, have mentioned how well it flows and I think that's a beautiful compliment to receive.
I'm glad also that you enjoy my use of the French language! It just felt so natural to use to me. And that you feel she has a sort of aspect kin to Luna Lovegood is amazing--Luna was always one of my favorite characters.
I'm happy you've liked this story so far. I hope you review when the third chapter is up.!
-Axjion Report Review
Hi there, I'm here with your review.
The first paragraph drew me straight into the story which is a great thing to acheive. I really wanted to read more and see what other lovely descriptions you had given. You have a real knack for descriptive language!
I haven't read anything on Gabrielle before, and I enjoy discovering stories about the forgotten characters of HP. As we know next to nothing about her, you have a lot of scope to make her what you wish, and she is an interesting character, I especially like the fact that she speaks French!! Many would have left that bit out, as they do with Fleur's accent.
I really enjoyed this first chapter. REally well done in keeping me hooked with a very minor character!!Author's Response: Why, thank you. I'm guessing descrptions are my specialty or something as I'm getting such lovely comments on my descrpitive language. I would have never guessed!
Minor characters are always fun to do. And it is very unfortunate that we know so little about Gabrielle. I, of course, didn't want to leave out the only things we know about Gabrielle--blonde, Veela, speaks French--so I had to include these things here. Besides that, I can't remember anywher ein the book statin that she spoke any English.
I'm gald you enjoyed the first chapter, and that it kept you hooked. I can't wait to see more reviews from you!
-Axjion Report Review
This is jman7693 from the forums. :D
Firstly, I must comment on the fact that I've found another guy on the site. :) This would have to be a first. Now, onto the chapter.
I liked this a lot. I liked all the detail you used and how you actually made a French girl speak French. I'm impressed. ;) Most authors would skip around that important detail, but you didn't. Good job. :) Honestly, I enjoyed the French a lot and it gave something distinct to their conversation. I liked it. :)
This might prove of my denseness but I still don't know you the boy is. :/ I guess I'll have to read the next chapter to find out. :D
There were hardly any grammar or spelling mistakes as far as I could see and the writing was beautiful and concise. An excellent first chapter! :)
I think I'll go on to the next chapter now. :)
10/10Author's Response: Hey! I was looking at your sn the other day and was wondering if you were a guy, haha. Yeah. I think that makes 3 of us (that I know of). Me, you and Pookha. There was Sammy23 but he... got banned :(
Ah, yes. She speaks French -- refreshing, non? I'm happy you were impressed by it. The decision was easy: having not remembered her speak English in the book, I had to make her speak French. Ah, haha, and what kind of distinct thing did it give to the conversation exactly? You'll have to tell me sometime. :D
Ah, you don't know who the boy is? Don't feel bad. Most people didn't figure it out. Most people keep saying the same person, and they're wrong, but very close. I left sufficient hints though: I said they were rebuilding the castle -- that tells the era. and I said the boy had a camera -- that narrows down the person.
Ah yes. Thank you for the grammar/spelling. I do take grammar and spelling very seriously. I'm Fuhrer of the Grammar Police, you know. :D
I hope you like what I have of this story so far, and that you come to read my other stories as I progress here!
-Axjion Report Review
Ooh, chapter two. :-) Actually, not everyone does like pears. I don't like pears. That's right. I don't like pears. But apples are my favorite. I love apples. However, reading this chapter made me want a pear too. Man, I was looking over at the fruit bowl . . . and no pears. Just kiwis. And apples. Haha.
So just a few weeks ago, I read this book about this group of people who were recovering from eating disorders. Their group therapist has them all do this exercise of eating a raisin, and they're supposed to just relax and enjoy the sensation of eating and feeling the texture of the raisin in their mouth. The main character really gets into it, and basically there's a non-12+ description of eating a raisin. A few days ago, this description was called to mind upon reading a drabble here about eating chocolate. This story just called it to mind even more. I really wanted that pear! I could just picture how perfect it would be, how ripe, juicy, flavors bursting on my tongue, the gritty texture . . . yeah. Pretty amazing.
Enough with that massive ramble. I liked this chapter so much. I love the way you write Gabrielle. She's like this amazing angel. There is this innocence about her, and it feels like she should sprout angel wings and float away. It's so touching the way she keeps trying to comfort Dennis and show her concern. Gabrielle is beautiful.
I have to admit, I got lost with all the French. I took Spanish, lol, and I'm pretty good with that. French, not so much. In the previous chapter, I was able to get the gist, but in this chapter, I was lost by the time I reached the end of the story. Thank goodness you provided those translations, though you might want to be careful not increase the French anymore.
I liked the interaction between Dennis and Gabrielle again. The Dennis Nowgoaway thing was quite amusing but also a little painful. I also liked the way you interspersed little commonly-known French words throughout the chapter: petite, deja vu. That really adds to the aura of your story.Author's Response: I laughed so hardcore when I read your ramble; my roommate thought I was gonig crazy. I love how the description of eating a raisin was non-12+. I'm glad I could persuade you toward pears, haha. Pears are awesome.
I love an innocent Gabrielle! I'm happy you still find her innocent and beautiful. And as though she were going to sprout wings at any moment -- I love that.
Haha, Nowgoaway! Hahahah. I find it funny.
Actually, the next chapter has almost no French whatsoever. This is because I agree with you on that part: this chapter had a LOT of French.
Anywho -- randomness... and I'm being torn away from finishing this review, so! Come back later and read more
-Axjion Report Review
Hi again =]
I really liked this chapter, too - the plot (or what you've established of it so far) flows really nicely from the first to second chapter. Also, Gabrielle is an appealing character mainly because of her naviety; it makes her seem so young and the reader sympathizes with her as she tries to talk with Dennis.
As I said before, I think you have a fabulous writing style - your word choice is so unique and it conveys your meaning in a different yet understandable way. Ugh, I feel like I'm rambling...
Well, I just wanted to read what you have of this so far, because I'm a nice person ;) And because I loved the first chapter! Who knows, maybe I'll be back when you update!
Fabulous job so far, keep up the good work!
~CBGAuthor's Response: :D The third chapter is validating!
:D And *giggles* Gabrielle is very appealing. I think it's her name ;p I guess... or it could be that she's foreign, haha. I enjoyed writing her with an innocence and naivety that I am told is rare to see with the "veela girls." And actually, Gabrielle is young. Of all the students who went to school during the Trio's era, Gabrielle is the youngest mentioned. She was only a first year during their seventh year (or so I have concluded from the lexicon). So I suppose her youth fits.
I'm very happy you enjoy my style of writing~ I'm not so sure I have a unique word choice, aslthough I take the compliment willingly, but how you feel it's conveyed in a different yet understandable way is quite a compliment.
(I forgot to comment on your last review about present tense! I naturally write in it, I don't know why! But it does give a deeper feel of things sometimes.)
Haha! You're a very nice person ;p I hope you come back for more!
-Axjion Report Review
Hi there, Axe! I'm jetergirl @ TGS, and I thought I would stop by and review one of your stories as part of our 2009 Reviewing Frenzy - besides, I've heard good things about your writing ;)
I really enjoyed this first chapter! You have a wonderful talent for description which, I must say, is a rare talent - not many people can balance the description with dialogue well! But you did a nice job with that. Also, I like the writing style you use; I think it's something about the present tense, that makes it sound a little different!
I'm looking forward to seeing where you'll go with the story!
~CBGAuthor's Response: Hey, jetergirl! Ohmaiwow! I didnt hear about a 2009 Reviewing Frenzy. I totally want to joi it! I shall go to the forums and see right after this review response!
First, I'd like to ask, of course, who's said good things about my writing! I would love to thank them *blushes*
I've been told I have something for descriptions. I'm happy you all are feeling that way. I'm always second-guessing myself. This story is actually going in an opposite direction of what I was originally planning, but I think it'll be much better this way. It will better do justice to the two main characters this way.
I'm looking forward to more reviews from you too! I'll try to make you my first review for the Reviewing Frenzy~
-Axjion Report Review
I couldn't help myself, I had to check out your other story too.
You have a way of writing that is peaceful - it flows unforced and, as I already mentioned, in a fantastic and descriptive prose that not many can accomplish. I actually read this two times, because it was a very relaxing read. With some authors, you're at the edge of your seat, praying that they won't suddenly go bananas and mess up the plot or the flow, you know? Maybe that's just me... >.<
My point is; i don't feel this at all when reading your work, I just sort of relax and let the words wash over me :)
Also, I forgot to mention this before, but I really love the present tense. I'm a big fan of it, and I enjoy writing it myself, I think it draws you in more forcefully than any other tense.
It's difficult to say anything about this piece when it comes to canon characterization as there's close to nothing in canon regarding Gabrielle or Colin (I'm assuming that our camera boy in Gryffindor clothing in this one is no one else but our little Colin Creevy!). However, this doesn't make the story any less enjoyable. Minor canon characters are always exciting to read and write; because every author have their own intepretation, and I adored yours. Gabrielle's character seemed gentle, kind and a little timid - not at all like her sister who I've always seen as a self-absorbed, spolied girl.
I liked the French phrases, too. They added something different, and it supported her character very well.
I noticed that this is a WIP - yay! Even though I think this chapter is amazing on its own and would work really well as a one shot, I'm still eager to see where you're taking this.
Well, to sum up my awfully long and rambling review (sorry!), I can say that I really adored this one too. I loved every little bit of it, from the dragonflies, to the pear tree and the sweet gift given to poor Colin. Well done, dear. ^_^
- LinneaAuthor's Response: Haha, I don't mind long, mindless rambling. Isn't it the best kind of rambling?
I will begin by saying, I can't believe you read it twice because it was so relaxing. That is... an amazing compliment :)
I do enjoy writing minor characters. It's not so much that I fear the characterization of major characters, but rather, some dont have enough good stories to them them justice.
As for present tense ~ it's the tense that unconsciously flows as I write. I feel as you feel; it does evoke some stronger sense of description when you read it.
Lastly, Colin and French. I never remember her speaking English in the book ~ I never remember her speaking at all. All I recall is an indirect line saying she was jabbering away in rapid French. So I thought it very canon. As per Colin. It is not Colin. I'm happy some people are finding that hard to figure out. Not knowing who it is makes the chase of figuring out all the more excitable. Wouldn't you say?
(By the way, I submitted the next chapter for validation yesterday when the queue finally reopened! I hope you come read it and review!)
-Axjion Report Review
what an interesting pairing you have here. wow, i never would have though of doing this and even i think of the craziest pairings out there. i like the way that you portrayed the two of them in this first chapter though. you made the entire thing from start to finish seem very innocent and sweet and that is something that i tend to find myself looking for on the archive. i love the more serious and in-between stories but it is very splendid to read one of these every once in awhile.
your characterization was done superbly in my eyes. this is only the first chapter of course so it is quite difficult to give you a complete opinion about the two that you used but so far i seem to have no problems with them. they are both very, very minor characters in the books so that contributes to the unsureness of it all but i don't believe that you have anything to worry about when i comes to characterization. the characters that you created for this first chapter are amazing and i see know reason why the should change before the next.
your flow was magnificent as well. you kept your sentences and paragraphs at a nice, readable pace throughout the entire read and that i something that i thank you for. sometimes the flow of stories don't work well at all and i find myself working hard to follow the story but that was certainly not the case here. this was very simple to follow and i am very pleased with that in particular.
overall, i thought that this was another wonderful piece of work from you. i noticed no grammar mistakes whatsoever and i am sure that you are capable of keeping that up. feel free to request on my thread again once you get the next chapter up or with any other stories that you may have posted at the moment. i would love to see some more from you. keep up the amazing work.Author's Response: The following line contains 15+ material, be aware! Damn it, I wrote had almost completed your entire response but I pressed back and now have to retype everything!
You wrote a long review! I do love those kind most!
Now, I agree! This pairing is very interesting, and in my opinion, very, very cute. (I enjoy reading and writing about rarer pairs a lot). And I'm glad you were able to take a feeling of innocence from this story. I've been told that the veela girls (Gab/Fl/Vic/Dom) are rarely ever portrayed in this sort of soft and gentle light.
I understand what you mean about the characterization. It isn't very difficult to characterize those who were minor in the series, although, most have commented on my plan of having Gabrielle speak only French. (From the books, I only remember Gabrielle saying one line -- one which she wasn't actually saying; it was like "Gabrielle was jabbering away to her sister in rapid French") so, eh.
My flow is magnificent? *Happy dance* I'm gracious to know people are finding this as a fluid and easy read. I guess I have my pen to thank for that.
I'm excited to hear that you would like to read the next chapter! I hope you like it~I can't wait for the queue to return!
-Axjion Report Review
Ok, first off I'd like to thank you profusely for requesting on the forums! I really, really really enjoyed reading this! A lot, a lot! My FAVORITE thing to see in a story is description. And I'm truly honest when saying someone has it or doesn't have it. You have it. Especially at the beginning! Describing the sunset was just so cool! I could picture it perfectly in my mind! The feeling and emption that was drawn from it was really awesome! Some of the best I've read! (and I've read a lot)
I think it was cool that you put all the dialogue with Danielle in French. Do you speak French or did you just look it? Either way, great idea!
So I'm guessing that the boy was Colin right? Just with the camera and all, I'm assuming... but tell me if I'm wrong!
Also flow, very nice! The way things were explained and rounded was right on the moula! (money, of course) Haha! It wasn't too long and it wasn't too short. You did a very nice job there. :D
Characterization, awesome! I mean, we don't really know anything abotu Danielle's character and how she acts, but the way you've portrayed her so far is very believable and I really like it. Also, with the boy, though as I've said, I don't know exactly who it is, but you did a nice job with him and Danielle together. Once again the emotion that the boy was feeling was really good! I was crying myself! Well, actually the sniffing was probably from my cold, but what's the differene, honestly? Haha ;)
I can't really see the plot right now, but what you've got going so far is really cool! I'm SUPER excited to get to read more soon! Please re-request when you've got another chapter posted and I'll read it straigh away! Thank you so much again!
Clair :D (EvelynCullen09 on the forums)Author's Response: Hmmm, ~ Haha I love this review, it's so funny and it makes me smile a lot! Now, I have had a lot of comments on my descriptive voice. I'm so glad everyone finds it so lovely and endearing! As for the French thing, I've taken it for 6 years. It's not a very hard language but it is very unique and demanding. I felt it to make more sense since I never remember Gabrielle* (let be correct that mistake) speaking English at all in the books.
The characterization was and still is as I continue to write this story, something different to work out. As for who the boy is, I think you should take a second look! I left a few clues that tell you the boy can't be Colin, though that is very close. (You're part about sniffing made me giggle! You're very silly :D)
Hmm I'm not quite certain that this story will end up having a plot as much as it will turn out having a theme and a moral. I guess you'll have to see what I mean exactly!
I would love for you to leave another funny/wonderful/spectacularrific review on my next chapter!
-Axjion Report Review
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