17 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Hi Girls and their games

10th December 2013:
Well it was ok but It needs to

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Review #2, by Slytherin Confused Minds

29th August 2010:
very interesting
keep writing :P

Author's Response: Thank you for the review! The next chapter is being written as we speak!

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Review #3, by lalaland7 Morsmordre

20th December 2009:
This was a really good first chapter, lots of action! It was well written too!!

Author's Response: Thank you :D

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Review #4, by Norwegian Wood Girls and their games

16th December 2009:
Hmm... I now noticed that I've used the word "sneaked" a lot in this chapter! Gosh, I'm good at making mistakes! ;)

Author's Response: Well, hello there, my own comment!

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Review #5, by elegantphoenix Making Plans

15th December 2009:
Ack, one thing I'd really love to clarify from before: sneaked is a word, if used in the right context. Take these sentences for example:

1) The cat snuck out of the garden.

2) The boy sneaked a peek at his neighbor's test to get the answer.

Hm. Maybe those aren't very good examples, and I don't have a very good explanation as to why or when to use them, but I had always thought snuck looked better when writing a sentence in past tense. It's like saying "The girl swam" as opposed to "The girl swimmed". I hope that makes sense :P

Also, something that really popped out at me in the last few sentences was this: "It didn't comfort him as much as you might think." In a story that's been written entirely in third person, the 'you' was sort of random and out of place. Note that you should only address the reader directly if you're writing in 1st (ex: I swam) or 2nd (ex: I am swimming) person. Try changing the 'you' in that sentence to 'one' or 'someone' or 'a person' to make it more cohesive to your writing style.

:)

Best,
Nadhira (elegantphoenix)

Author's Response: Haha, thank you! *My world is not collapsing! I'm not living on a lie :P* And "one" (etc) does seem better. When you mention it, I saw it too. ;) Once again thank you for reading and reviewing!

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Review #6, by elegantphoenix Another Day

15th December 2009:
Another great addition to your story! :) I especially enjoy seeing how you portray Hermione's despair and sadness for her parents' deaths, and her relationships with the people closest to her - especially Ginny. I think by doing this, you really emphasize the fact that she is stubborn, which is one of her more prominent qualities. :P

I saw maybe only one misspelling throughout, but I did notice one small thing: you use 'he' and 'she' a lot, and it confuses me sometimes to figure out who 'he' and 'she' is referring to. It never hurts to use their names more, just so we don't get the he's and she's mixed up :)

Best,
Nadhira (elegantphoenix)

Author's Response: Ahh... Thank you for the tip ;) And thank you for reading! :D

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Review #7, by elegantphoenix When a Dream Come Alive

14th December 2009:
"It was a deadly silent night, and the sky was clouded. Here and there small rips in the silky sky-fabric would let out glints of moonlight, but it was very rare these days. Light in the darkness was a seldom sight for those who fought the war." Let me just say that those few lines were beautifully written. :) I also want to say that, though I like when authors show Draco's softer side better, I still enjoy a good display of his ferocity as well and when he stood up to Snape - a feat no student dared attempt before - I was simply blown away. This chapter raises a very good question, though: Is Snape lying to him about his mother? *cue dramatic music* :D

I was confused by just one sentence overall, as I think I've covered everything in my reviews for the last two chapters ^^,

"He would probably declare Draco heirless..." By 'heirless' did you mean to say "disowned", because I think that would fit better if your goal was to say that, in a way, his father would want absolutely nothing to do with him anymore if he found out that he was on the run? Ah, well that's all I have to say for this chapter, but keep up the great writing.

Best,
Nadhira (elegantphoenix)

Author's Response: I'm truly glad you liked it! I was really worried about Draco's character - I would either catch him or not. I hope I got him right, though. And "disowned" would probably be the best word to use, I guess. This only proves the fact that my vocabulary fails me big time sometimes! :P Thank you once again for a fantastic comment!

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Review #8, by elegantphoenix A Bad Dream

14th December 2009:
Firstly, I don't know why, but the line "What in the name of Merlin's worn-out socks has happened to you?" made me smile. It was such a Molly Weasley thing to say. :) She does seem a bit OOC, though, when Hermione continuously says that "Molly would look at her as a coward", etc. Mrs Weasley cares about Hermione and Harry as if they are her own children, and not so much about courage or cowardice. But, on the other hand I could understand that maybe Hermione is just doubting her own courage and making herself believe that Mrs Weasley would look down on her if she told her she had been afraid? That's just my two cents. :D

And then, when she let Hermione stay in the attic, I wondered about the Ghoul? What, pray tell, happened to the poor thing? Haha.

I think I left out, in my last review, that you should work on putting spaces between new paragraphs (a new one should be started when each new character speaks, as well) for better readability for the reader. Anywho, sorry to sound like a bothersome know-it-all, but I have a thing for correcting people when they're wrong spelling-and-grammar-wise. Don't let all my criticism get to you though, because this was yet another intriguing and wonderful chapter! Keep it up!

I especially loved Hermione poking fun at Harry near the end when she suggested that he had a crush on Draco. Cute. :)

Best,
Nadhira (elegantphoenix)

Author's Response: Thank you once again for an encouraging review. I've learned a lot by reading your feedback ;) And I know my spelling is horrible sometimes, and I'll try my best not to make too many mistakes ;)

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Review #9, by elegantphoenix Morsmordre

14th December 2009:
All in all, the chapter (as a first chapter should) kept my attention. It was a bit fast paced but not so much so that I couldn't keep up, given that you provided the reader with some background information as well.

As for the more technical and grammatical errors, there were many, I'm afraid. A few times I noticed that you used the word "sneaked", which is not, in fact, a word at all. For example, "The cat stretched its limbs and sneaked out of its respective garden." should be: "The cat stretched its limbs and snuck out of its respective garden." A trick that helps - read the sentence out loud, and see if it makes sense. :) You should go back and re-read, looking for where you mixed up past and present tense. (Another example, "As a long time witch she knew better than believing that suggestion and going back to sleep." Going should be went. Again, read it out loud and see if it sounds better that way.)

Another thing you might want to check is some of your spelling errors. Just go back and look over your writing again, or try to find a Beta that'll proofread your story for you. I'm sure you'll find someone ten times as helpful as me :)

On the other hand, overall, your word choice and tone were brilliant. You really kept my attention with the action, and you showed Hermione's helplessness and pain very well. One thing I did see at the beginning was a sentence like this:

"It was parted into two parts: Downtown and the Hills."

You used "part" twice in one sentence. Try varying your words a bit more, maybe changing the first "parted" to "split" or changing it completely, as follows for example: "It was composed of two distinct parts..." If you mix it up more, then things won't seem as redundant.

Again, try to see if you can find a good Beta on the forums that could help you with the things I've pointed out. This story seems very intriguing, and I can't wait to read more.

Best,
Nadhira (elegantphoenix)

Author's Response: Wow :D Thank you for an incredible encouraging review! I'm grateful of your corrections - I really need to improve my english! ;) Glad you liked it, though. *Isn't sneaked a word? My world is collapsing! :P*

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Review #10, by alannalove2009 Another Day

18th October 2009:
wow. it is so sad that hermione is not telling anyone about her parent's deaths. keeping it inside is going to hurt her really bad. this was a nice chapter. thanks for finally updating! LOL! =]! I hope she tells everyone in the next chapter && start to make some progress. I have no idea how Draco is going to play into the story && am very anxious to find out! Ill see you next chapter hun! Keep up the good work! HAPPY WRITING! =]

Author's Response: Aww :) Thank you for a fun review! Will be updating soon ;)

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Review #11, by alannalove2009 A Bad Dream

12th September 2009:
awww, poor girl, she cant tell them what happened. i am really excited about this fan fiction! cant wait for the next chapter!!

Author's Response: Thank you for an encouraging review ;)

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Review #12, by alannalove2009 Morsmordre

12th September 2009:
OMFG!!! I love your attention to detail, i feel as if I was right there. amazing job. i cant wait to see how this plays out.

Author's Response: Haha :) Thank you so much! I'm glad you like it!

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Review #13, by Ms.Know-it-All A Bad Dream

11th September 2009:
Excellent beginning, great set up for a dramione and I am eager for an update!!
Please do it fast!!

Author's Response: Hihi :) Thank you.

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Review #14, by lizfelton159 A Bad Dream

10th September 2009:
so far loving it! and hey just outta curiosity, was the inspiration for your name the beatles song Norwegian Wood??? ;)

Author's Response: Thank you :) And yes; my inspiration is the song, but I'm from Norway as well, so... :P Haha.

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Review #15, by jaceni A Bad Dream

10th September 2009:
Hope you keep updating at least this regularly. Can't wait till next update. :)

Author's Response: Thank you :) I want to update more often, but it takes so long time to validate a chapter!

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Review #16, by shrink4U Morsmordre

29th August 2009:
whoa...totally loved it.

please WRITE MORE!!! I'M IRREVOCOBLY HOOKED NOW...a friend actually showed me this story, anyway...goo dluck with your next chapter. i loved your beginning.

Author's Response: Thank you for an encouraging review ;) I'll try to update as soon as possible!

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Review #17, by shrink4U Morsmordre

24th August 2009:
great story

plese update soon

Author's Response: Thank you ;) I'll try to update as soon as the queue is opened again.

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