Okay, so usually I'm not a Dramione fan. Like, at ALL. But this made the pairing seem absolutely real.
I can't even think of anything to correct. I generally prefer more dialogue, but I feel like more dialogue would have been anticlimactic. Maybe you could have delved further into Draco's feelings.
I like the desparation and the stort of quiet angst here. One of the things I love about this is that you can completely sympathize with Hermione. You can feel what she's feeling. You understand what she wants. I think one of the most beautiful quotes was:
"She feared the pain tugging at her chest would never cease."
I also loved your description of the kiss. It was just one of those "Merlin, I wish that was me" moments. :)
Fabulous. :) I'm so favoriting this. Thanks for a brilliant read!Author's Response: Well you're welcome lol! And thank you as well. You're right, I do focus more on Hermione's inner feelings than I do Draco's. And yes dialogue just wouldn't be right ;] Report Review
There are no words, praising enough for this story. So I'm not even going to try putting them here. All I can say is: Wow.Author's Response: Haha well I'm glad you liked it. Report Review
I can't quite see why everyone is describing this as fawless, your description is ok, but it feels like you've just hand selected random words to use as descrirptions. The way you've arranged your word classes doesn't make much sense either. I'd advise you to atleast check what your using before you put it down.
Also, I'd use shot and long sentences in paragraphs, you've used way too many adverbs, there's almost one in every sentence. Also, I don't feel that the description is really necessary in certain points. I hope I'm not coming across as mean, I'm just being honest, I think if you listened to what I said you could make this really good.
Also, Hermione's characterization wasn't working for me, it isn't just her thoughts, it's the way she reacted to Malfoy, and I very much doubt that those 'forbidden words' could have entered either of their brains as soon as they did. It just isn't realistic at all hun, infact, it comes across as very cliche.
The story in general showed some originality, and I like the settings that you chose, but for me it just didn't do anything.
5/10Author's Response: I like it the way it is, but thanks for offering your opinion. If more people agreed with you, perhaps I would listen. But since I have the majority vote, I think I'll keep it the way it is. Report Review
I love this! This is actually in my faves from like December or something! The detail in this is spectacular, and the plot is so... amazing! I had never read a "missing moment" fic before, and it really caught my attention. You made a really good choice in WHERE in the 6th book you set the story!Author's Response: Thank you, hun! =D Report Review
Hi RoseWeasleysPatronus from the forums, Ava Pearce here to review!
I was literally breath taken by this story, I've read a lot of one-shots but this was so vivid and clear, the descriptions put you right there, the detailed expressions, thoughts and feelings!!
It was beautifully and expertly written. I can pick no faults. Honestly, none (but don't count on me for grammar and spelling, I suck at it)
Ava xxAuthor's Response: Thanks!! That's alright lol, so far no one has complained about grammar. Maybe I should just get it beta'd =X I never have before! Report Review
Hey review here :)
Omg your grammer is flawless which i know is hard. Alot of people stuggle with it including me (so bad at it lol).
It wasn't fluffed up in any way i like that.
very close to canon well as close as you can get.
You started and ended perfectly. I truly love the ending.
descriptions, plotline, the small chunks of characterisation all written to perfection.
x :)Author's Response: I don't think I can fluff at all, actually lol! But thank you dear. =D Report Review
hey its twitch from over at the forums:D
Well, im going to keep this short and sweet:) This one shot was beautifully written, definitely one of the best that I've ever read. Your grammar was flawless (that I could spot anyway) and I love missing moments type fics. Pretty much, amazing job. You're a wonderful writer, keep it up!Author's Response: Yay!! Thank you so much. Report Review
Here is my review!
I read this and was absolutely floored by your descriptions, story line.just everything! I love your title, and how everything about what they are doing is forbidden, and yet it works. This was so great. Congrats on some truly wonderful writing!!
p.s. thank you so much for requesting reviews. I really appreciate it. If you get the chance, please check out my own stories here on HPFF! thanks again!!Author's Response: Why thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed =] Report Review
Hi! Maja here from the HPFF forums with your VERY long overdue review. I'm so sorry, but I really was in a 'I HATE reading fics' place, and I didn't want that to effect my reviews. However! I'm now out of it, so here's that review!
I love Dramione. I'm a Dramione fan. My main issue with Dramione isn't that it is generally non-canon (I would be the world's biggest hypocrite if I demanded that from people when my own writing is so very crack. :D), but that the writing is sometimes more stilted or overdramatised with this pairing. I'm not sure why, but this always seems to appear more often in Dramione works.
I can honestly say there was nothing overdramatised in this fic; in fact I think you handled it very well. Both characters were, for the most part, very in character, and your writing style is well developed.
I did have a problem, however, with some stilted phrases. The problem here is that you are obviously a good writer. Your plotlines are well thought out, you have a very good grasp of grammar and syntax and for the most part, you write in a believable, intelligent manner.
Unfortunately there were a few phrases that I just couldn't overlook. It seems that none of the other reviewers have mentioned anything about them, so either I am incredibly picky (this is true), or no one has felt it important enough to pay attention to. I think, however, that in asking for a review, you were asking for constructive crit, right? And I'd definitely like to help you grow as an author if I can, because you're so very close to perfection as it is anyway. :)
I'll give you a couple of examples of phrases that I didn't like:
'But suddenly, a peculiar sound of clicking against wood was mild in the distance, yet growing more severe with each passing second.'
This just seemed a little stilted , and could have been worded a little better.
'“Draco –” she tried to say but his fingers found her lips, hushing her speech furthermore.'
By using the word furthermore here, I get jerked out of the story and wonder if you actually know the meaning of the word. It's ALMOST right, but just off in meaning enough to make me go 'huh?'
There are a few other instances of this, and for the most part it looks to come from your trying to use words that you're not sure of the usage yet. This isn't really that big an issue, because it means that a) you're pushing ahead with your writing and being fearless, which is always good and b)it's completely fixable.
My recommendation would be getting a beta reader just to check over a few salient points, and remember to KEEP READING. Reading gives a writer new information all the time for how they can grow. Even reading bad fic is good, because it shows you what not to do! :D
You have a lot of talent, and I really hope this review has helped rather than hindered.
Lots of luck,
MajaxxAuthor's Response: Your review definitely has helped! Those phrases are kind of odd, and honestly, I've never even noticed how weird it was until you said it lol. Compliments and CC all in one, definitely a good review! =D
The first phrase can be revised a little bit. Do you have any suggestions? PM me! The second just needs a whole different word lol. Thanks so much!! Report Review
Hello! This is FoundriaPenguin from the review forums(:
This was an incredibly powerful story. I'm practically speechless, but this is a review. I need to keep on talking.
I'm very impressed that you've managed to keep this so...canon-y!! I love it! This is truly pure fanfiction: so close to the real story, but with an extra twist. And the imagery! I can see the scene unfolding before my eyes, you know?
Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing so much punctuation that my head is spinning, but I suppose it's to keep the dramatisation alive! You are an excellent writer, and I deeply encourage you to continue to write! More, more more!
~foundriapenguinAuthor's Response: Aww thank you so much hun. =] Report Review
Wow. I really liked the fact that you pretty much remained true to the characters at this point in HBP. The idea of Draco comforting Hermione for his own gain and not just to be kind seems like something he could do at this point. You have written this very well and I really like your style. Personally I'm struggling to find fault with this and as a big Dramione shipper I love that you avoided any clichés in this.
You could almost feel both of the characters' inner turmoil over the events that had got them there. EXCELLENT 10/10Author's Response: Why thank you, dear! I definitely wrote this so that feeling their exact emotions was possible, so I'm glad you did. Report Review
Okay, so I saw this on a review thread on the forums and decided to come check it out. Which I'm glad I did! Awesome job! Okay, I absolutely loved that it fit in with canon and was still a spectacular Dramione. Which is incredible. Because I'm such a Dramione fan that's it's actually pretty ridiculous. Anyway... I really loved the characterization and the comparison of broken souls and all that jazz. It was magnificent. And... wow. I really don't exactly know what to say. It was awesome. Everything. :] So great, great job!
--DracoFerret11/DarkRoseAuthor's Response: I love when people randomly decide to read my story when they see it on someone's post lol. I lucked out =]
You have wonderful taste since, obviously, I am also a tremendous Dramione fan! Thank you for the review, hun! Report Review
This is extremely well written, I enjoyed the slight sense of detachment that you wrote this with. It's kinda dark, kinda romantic. I like how it makes you feel like you are watching Hermione but you're not even there. The way you didn't include speech enhanced the style of the story.
I can't say anything against this really, so this was amazing and well written
~ESPAuthor's Response: How very sweet of you =] I'm tre glad you liked! Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your review from the forums! I'm sorry this has taken so long.
Hahaha, I thought it was funny how you included in your request that you'll take the risk.
This was actually very well written, and I really enjoyed it. The whole plot was very flowy and beautifully written. The only thing I have to critique is that the kiss/moment seemed a little abrupt. I would've liked to see some sort of foreshadowing just to give the reader a heads up.
But other than that it was very good! Great job!Author's Response: Haha well thank you, dear! Report Review
It's propertyoftheHBP here from the forums with your review. Now I have read very few Draco/Hermiones -- two, I think. So bear with me, please. :)
To be honest, I never really took the ship seriously, or understood it. Those stories I read because I just wanted to see what they were like. But I absolutely understood this one; it fit right in with canon and was a true 'missing moment'. I found both Draco and Hermione to be 100% in character.
He's behaving as he always has before, but he has a tenderness about him that could very easily have always been there, as well. You can really tell that his task is draining him out, and he's trying to get away from it. I felt that the strongest point was when they were just standing in silence, and that was probably my favorite part.
And Hermione; her pain is absolutely real. It's a rare moment where she's letting her feelings totally let go. I don't know if I'm just rambling here or not, I hope I make sense. ;)
What I'm getting at is that, like I said above, I really loved your characterizations of them. And for some reason, when I finished this, the phrase "Illicit, brief affair between pure-blood Malfoy and Mudblood" popped into my mind. No clue why. xD
Oh, and I found your grammar and spelling to be flawless, by the way.
Overall, marvelous. You've made me tolerate the pairing reasonably well enough, at least for this one-shot.
10/10Author's Response: Haha, you're not rambling. You're saying exactly what I thought and exactly what I wanted you to say =] I, too, believe that tenderness could have been there somewhere underneath.
That phrase popped into your head because that's what it was! Lol, thank you for the wonderful review, hun! Report Review
Hey there! (:
This is innocent from the forums with your review. Wow, I don't know where to start. This one-shot was absolutely wonderful and I loved nearly everything in here! I loved, loved, loved how you titled this story Forbidden Words and then there was no dialogue - except for when Hermione says Draco's name that one time. And, I will admit, that bugged me a bit because I was hoping that the whole story would be completely void of dialogue, which would have been an accomplishment in itself. Oh, well, you were close enough and I can look over Hermione saying Draco's name, as this was just so beautifully written. ;)
Your descriptions of everything in here are just fantastic. You really developed Hermione's character wonderfully and though I didn't sympathize with her completely, I did understand her. I noticed virtually no grammar mistakes, except for a few semi-colons that I thought were misplaced. For example, "She was almost forfeiting, giving up and giving in to despair; allowing her body to liquefy and never be solid." It would've been better to use, I think, a comma there instead of a semi-colon. There were a couple other spots like that but that was all I noticed in terms of grammar, so marvelous job.
I don't usually read missing moments - in fact, I can't recall the last time I read one - but this really was absolutely splendid. By far the best missing moment I've read (though, I suppose, one of the only ones I've read). I used to be an avid Dramione fan, but now I'm not anymore - though, I suppose I should say I wasn't anymore, because reading this one-shot has reminded me why I used to love Dramione so much. Now I'm going to have to go find some Dramione fics to read as your story has inspired me to read them again. Fantastic job! 10/10
~ EmmaAuthor's Response: How very flattering =] Thank you for your very thorough review, lol. I know I have a problem with those semicolons. I know it's completely incorrect, for some reason I just love them lol. I've got to break that habbit =/ Report Review
Hi there! I saw you requested this in someone else's thread, and I felt curious enough to read it. First off, I hate Dramione. Hate it to the very bottom of my soul, I think there aren't two characters more poorly suited for each other. It's just really hard to believe. But putting that aside, you did an excellent job with this. Like seriously, I'm speechless, because with every Dramione fic I've read I come to hate the ship more and more, but this was actually really good. I love how descriptive you were, and how it totally could have turned into this giant, passionate thing of making love, but it didn't. I mean really, that one kiss was described perfectly. I'm jealous, you didn't write it off as 'a random kiss', and you didn't overexaggerate it like people tend to do in fics. Although I hate this pairing, you did a good at writing, enough to make me set aside the Dramione hate for a while. 10/10Author's Response: Haha I'm quite surprised you were curious enough to read my fic when you spotted in someone else's thread if you hate the ship so much! Still, I'm glad that you did, of course =D
As long as you can put aside your hatred temporarily, we're good, lol.
Thank you for the very random and sweet review!! Report Review
Hello! RonNiffler here from forums!
Let me just start by saying I'm not a big Draco/Hermione fan, but I'll try to keep an open mind!
Your description in great, I can easily visualize all this! The line 'Her curls casted lazily around her trembling body, shielding her face entirely.' Was brilliant, I can clearly picture her in my mind!
I can see this actually happening. Just the timing is perfect.
'He drew his hand from his pocket and approached her again, much slower.' It's like he's walking over to an animal, but for Draco it kind of fits. =)
Ok like I said I really don't like Draco/Hermione stories, but I think you just changed my mind! This was brilliant! Great job!Author's Response: Aww yay!!! Just for a heads up, I too rarely find Dramiones that I can stomach.Thanks for the review, hun! Report Review
Ergh. I read this during the week, but realized in my rambling I wouldn't be able to comment on it fully. Then kind of got side tracked and left you behind accidentally. I'm really sorry! Please forgive me!
This is my first Dramione since, well, I think your Dramione short story I was willing to try. Okay. I'll read them all (so you can rerequest for that because I was being a small minded dork at the time), but I still refuse to buy the whole ship as a whole.
Okay. I have NOT a single issue with this story. I feel I should say that. Everything good; poetic, best believability of the ship I've seen so far. I mean, I've read four Dramiones, not counting the self-aggrandizing stories where the writer wrote them to fulfill some fantasy. Through this story I can see the writer's feelings. You believe them to be right for each other in this light. Two broken souls. However, I believe that the issues presented are nowhere the same level (my beliefs against this ship in this context).
Hermione's is, in all honesty, superficial. It is an inability on her own part to tell Ron her feelings. Her pain is self-inflicted. When she hears them laughing it is a testament to her stoic emotional state and shyness.
However, Draco's on a much different level. His pain is not self inflicted. He is being forced by the Dark Lord to kill a man that he, if you think about it, respects. He may dislike Dumbledore for favoring Harry so much, but that is obviously a play on his jealousy and envious nature. He would never wish the man dead. Maybe just that he would show him some more attention. And he is not just being forced to do something he doesn't want to---he is fighting for her life. Hermione is doing no such thing.
And let's not forget he does believe in his cause. He does not like Hermione's appearance (we must remember she does NOT look like Emma Watson), and also feels they are truly beneath him. He wouldn't even USE a muggle-born, simply of ingrained principals.
But the counteragrument to that is that they are both exiles. Draco has been shunned because of his family and Hermione . . . well, she isn't an exile is she? She has and uses Harry to lean on. Granted she gets snippy with him because he is tactless, but I cannot see this pushing them together.
I'll diverge from that now. I think you could probably argue against me (fairly, because I am definitely not putting you down for believing in this ship, just giving my thoughts against it), but I want to talk about this great one-shot.
Because it is really good. The nature of the fic, the solidarity of their motions and thoughts. We get a good glimpse into both of their heads and you consolidate the whole treasure trove of emotions into such a short story. It's great. You take the necessary care you must to argue their mindsets in canon in a very good attempt to make it believable.
So of course I like the story. And the author goes along with it. I just hope I didn't annoy you too much with my kind of gratuitous argument against the ship.
If I did, I really do apologize. (ending on a good note, I will say you are the best Dramione author I've read).
JacksonAuthor's Response: Haha you don't annoy me at all. It's interesting to read your in depth thoughts about it all, actually =]
I'm quite glad you liked me story though, despite your logical explanation of why you dislike the ship! lol
You're a wonderful reviewer, btw. Report Review
Hello, this is Sarah from the forums. :)
And I just happily realized that I have actually read your one-shot before but never reviewed. Silly me.
I must say, I have no idea why I didn't comment on this piece because it is indeed superb.
The lack of verbal communication between them is just beautiful and everything is just so well written. I didn't see any grammatical errors and the flow of this one-shot is very good.
Great job. :)Author's Response: Well yay! I'm glad you've read it before just out of curiousity. That's a good sign ;] Thank you though, I am quite flattered, dear! Report Review
Hi, Im here with you well earned review.
Let me start by saying that I love missing moments and your story was one of the most unnusual i have read in a long time.
I feel like I cant really comment on this story from a technical pov. Im just going to try and tell you what I felt as I read it. Everything you should have done to make this story good, you did it. You elaborated on the characters feelings, you expanded their emotional states to give grounds to their actions, you paced everything so carefully and so very slowly (which in dramiones is a key point), adding something that almost felt like a mystical veil separating me from the truth behind this whole thing. This one shot felt like I was spying on someones moment, and I knew that it was a step from never happening, like all this wasnt real at all. I honestly cant tell you what exactly made me perceive it this way, but there was something in the way you told this, the atmosphere you created, that just kept everything in a no-man's-land, the only place where something so tender could happen between two supposed anemies. I think this is probably why it seemed to work so well, because it was canon, and also it made sense, and their relationship, in 2000 words, would only make sense in a place that is not entirely real.
One more thing, you got Hermiones feelings throught so well here. I love it when I am able to connect to a character in any story, fecause it makes me part of it, and in here, that bitter feeling she had in her, I felt it too. There was espetially one line that got to me, in all its desperation (at least to me it felt that way): "Back to when she was the brains, when she almost hated Ron, and Harry was just the boy with a scar." - don’t know why, but this line made me so sad, I could almost feel the hollowness in the words.
Thank you very much for requesting, I loved your storyAuthor's Response: You're a wonderful reviewer lol. I too feel how sad she is when I read it. That was a key point in this, so thank goodness you grasped it =]
That line...yes =[ It's quite true in my opinion, and yes, also hollow.
Thanks sooo much dear! Report Review
Hello! Sorry it took me so long to get to your requested review! I've been really busy, but, honestly, I've also been procrastinating on reading your story because.*drum roll* its the first Dramione I've ever read.ever. And, it was a lot better than I thought it would be. (No offense meant towards you, but I'm obviously anti-dramione)
So, there were a few things that I did dislike and a lot that I did like. The first, and its a minor detail, was that his breath was cold. Well, he is human and humans usually have warm breath and that whole part came off to me as being a lot like Twilight and I really, really, really, really, really don't like Twilight. I also don't like the ship; mostly because its not canon and it doesn't seem feasible to me in the context of canon. However, I think the way you framed their encounter was a lot more realistic than I would have expected. This shared moment of anguish and comfort when they are both experiencing a bad time in the books actually makes a bit of sense. It was good, a good idea and well-written. (Your story is undoubtedly well-written, by the way). Anyway, I think it could have progessed slower, maybe the first time he goes toward her its not to pen her against the desk--because at that moment i was wondering if i was missing some background attraction thing. Maybe he could have moved forward to pat her arm or give her a handkerchief or something, something genial and nice and awkward. I think even a small, platonic gesture on the part of Draco would have been a huge intense moment. But, then from there you could definitely take the anguished we've been hurt moment and tie it into the kiss. Like a transition state in a reaction progress diagram for chemistry, you know? Like I said, it was very well-written and you had me pulled in and intrigued. And I certainly didn't hate it; I actually rather enjoyed it which is a miracle unto itself. Oh, and it also seemed very Hermione to go to the library when she was upset. Ok, so this is becoming epic, so i'll just leave you with a Great Job! Request again, if you have any other stories floating around!
--FannyPriceAuthor's Response: Well geez thanks! I'm happy I was the first you've read, for sure.
I must say, I love Twilight >.< but I didn't write that part for it. I guess it was just my odd way of writing how different they were. I see what you mean though, he IS human lol.
Thanks for the CC! Wonderful review, hun =D Report Review
Spangles here with your review!
Before I review let me say this- I detest Hermione and Draco togther.
But you did an amazing job, even my annoyance at the pairing couldn't keep me from really appericating this fic.
It seemed very plausable and Hermione's inital reaction to Draco made me pleased, one of my pet peeves is when authors have Hermione suddenly fall madly in love with Draco. You did a superb job with keeping Hermione plausable, making it seem like this really could have happend. This really did make me think of a missing moment, espically since you had it specifically stated exactly where this would have happend. Down to the page number (: You did your homework.
I liked how neither of them spoke too, making it seem even more canon. We know if they'd gotten into a conversation Hermione would never be able to take part in Malfoy bashing with Harry and Ron. Just the little things, like how Hermione felt wary when seeing him, just made it make a lot more sense. It flowed easily because of this, and it was very easy to read through, there was nothing in particular that I had to re-read or anything.
All in all, I think you did a great job. Hope the review helped! 9/10 (I had to take off a point for Dromione!..ok that's unfair 10/10 =/) ~spangles.Author's Response: Haha wow thanks so much! I feel most accomplished when you Dramione haters enjoy my writing lol!
You're absolutely right, they would end up hexing each other if they tried to even talk. Draco definitely understood this at that time, causing her to hush. =] Report Review
Hi, it's faeriemagic from the forums!
This was a lovely one-shot and I enjoyed it greatly. I haven't read many one-shots on this site but I can clearly say that this one is the best I've read so far!
I don't really think that the part that says - Her curls casted lazily around her trembling body - makes sense but maybe that's just me. I don't think the casted part sounds right there.
Another thing I found was that it was a bit too wordy. I love your vocabulary, it makes the story have a much more mature feel to it, but I just think that's there's too much in there.
Those were the only things that I could find that maybe you could improve on as the rest of the story is perfect. I really like that Draco and Hermione arent OOC as that is why so many Dramione stories don't work and are cliche. I've wrote a couple of Dramione stories before but I always find it really hard and to not let H & D go OOC. You also had no grammar mistakes which is another thing some authors do a lot.
I really loved the opening sentence - Her pattering footsteps treaded on the ancient floor; her feet carrying her away from the rivalry of friendship and love - and it really drew me to the story and it really sounds great.
All in all, I've really enjoyed reading this one-shot and I think you've done a great job. Come back and re-request anytime.
faerie_magic :-)Author's Response: Aww thank you dear! Thanks for the cc and thanks for the reviewing. So many people have told me I get too wordy but I honestly have no idea where to cut it down =/ Report Review
Hi, I'm emmapotter from the forums here with your requested review!
This is certainly a very well written one-shot. But I have a small..complaint is not the word, I made an observation actually. Throughout the one-shot, you've used big words. Like in the beginning, the first sentence. The option to return was completely abated. you could've used 'gone' instead of 'abated' and the sentence would've sounded just fine. It isn't necessary to use a thesaurus while writing.
I hope I don't sound rude but, the complexity of the words in a story do not make it better, but the content and the style. I must say, you've got both! :)
I liked this one-shot a lot. Keep writing more of these! :)
AakankshaAuthor's Response: Thank you for the balance of CC and praise. It has helped me not take it so personally lol. Just to let you know though, I didn't use a thesaurus. I actually don't like the way it sounds: The option to return was completely gone. It's more than that. It needed more. The reader needed to understand the ferocity.
Thanks for reviewing! =] Report Review
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