Annyeong haseyo! Ilia here for your review ^_^
Let me start by saying I was first struck by your title. I'm not sure why, but I just really liked it. Then when I read your summary I was like WOW! You really know how to draw a reader in, which is important on this site especially. Great job.
I'm obsessed with your opening paragraph. It's an interesting way to start off a story, as well as introduce us to an OC. You accomplished a lot in that first paragraph, including showing me your capabilities as a writer. Really wonderful. The way this whole story is written feels like a children's story, sort of, which I guess is good because you drew inspiration from The Little Mermaid. Lines like this: However, a boy needs his mates... That's awesome.
In the middle, when they were taking turns doing the dare - which was brilliant, by the way. How very Fred&George, but also unique in your presentation of the idea - I felt a little like it was going too slow. I felt that you dragged out the ordeal a little too much. Sometimes when you have an idea that is exciting like this one, while it's tempting to go into every detail about what everyone is feeling and all of that, it's important to keep the plot moving. I just felt like they were sitting in that boat, contemplating who would be first and so on, for so long.
However, once Ophion was pushed under, my heart broke. How sad! You really made me feel for the poor kid in just a one-shot, and I know how you did it, you sly dog =P Lines like this: They would do what was asked, if they could drag poor Ophion along. That's properly executed subliminal messaging if I ever saw it. =P You sprinkled little lines like that, with words like 'poor' into this story, making us feel bad for him. But really, I'm impressed. You really know what you're doing.
You know, I review as I read, and I must say I gave myself a pat on the back when this line popped up: ...only in the illustrations of children's storybooks... I called it a while ago, yeah? XD Great job. I knew that was the angle you were going for, which is brilliant.
I really love the ending of this. I can really feel the Little Mermaid aspect of this, which is lovely. I wasn't sure how you would do it, but you pulled it off wonderfully. I really enjoyed reading this story! You did a great job. Thanks for requesting =)
Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^
.:.Ilia.:.Author's Response: Thank you so much for your very detailed review =) Report Review
Sweet, cute and original (somewhat).
Your style flows gracefully with nice descriptions and beautiful imagery; a colorful vocabulary. I especially liked the lines "...his head lolling to and fro and his face black as rotted fruit." and "...with a smirk worthy of a Malfoy." And when you said "...he was about as fun as a fencepost," I actually lol'ed.
As expected, with such wonderful writing, there are so few grammatical mistakes (that I noticed anyway). "He drew his winter cloak around him; though..." is one. When you use a semicolon, you don't used a conjunction (such as though). There were also the lines "...warmth sensation..." where you use the noun form instead of the adjective, and "...two slender wrapped around..." where a word seems to be missing, though one can figure out what's being said.
I was touched at the end when I read that that day was his last, and then the mermaid says that she's had his heart for a lifetime and asks him to join her in the next.
Thank you for sharing this great work!
-AxjionAuthor's Response: No, thank you! It's only once in a while I get a really useful, specific review. =) Report Review
wow. this is, honestly, one of the most original stories that i have ever read on this site. i am seriously sitting her in complete and entire amazement.
your male OC was certainly one that i could find pity for. that was the point, i believe, but i do think that i should mention it anyway. he was very believable and kind and the fact that he ran into the siren the way that he did was truly beautiful.
overall, i thought that you did an amazing job with this story. i am very impressed with everything and have nothing constructive to comment on. you did a beautiful job with this. i could say more but why waste time. AMAZING! feel free to request again on my thread anytime.Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm sure I will. Report Review
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