Very interesting story. Well written. No update since 09/2010, I hope you have not lost interest. Will be checking for new chapters.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the kind review. I've not been writing much lately due to real-life time constraints (mostly at work). I have the story arc for this all worked out, I just have to have time to sit down and finish it.
I really appreciate the reads and the review. Reviews help to keep the confidence up. Report Review
kirstenalanna from the forums here!
you wanted me to focus on characterization?
I found the the Characters believable, but you could go more in depth with them. right now, the characters and plot are in a somewhat shallow water feel...they could gain much more depth if you added more descriptive dialogue. As you write dialogue, for example, ask yourself questions like- how is the character saying this? what does the character look like when they say this? What is the facial expression/ body language?
OVerall, very good :)
kirstenalannaAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the CC. I tend to write spare dialogue, so adding to it always feels forced to me. My later works (of which this is one) have a lot more description during conversation than my earlier works (hard to believe, I know). This is something that I'm consciously working on.
I appreciate the comments and the encouragement. Report Review
An update. :)
This was a really riveting chapter. Seriously. So much happened, and you introduced quite a bit of new information that drew me along.
So, what happened with George when he was channeling Tonks was a new development. Very interesting. I'm going to assume that he's beginning to get in touch with the full extent of his powers. Maybe living in a magical environment is allowing him to open up to it, as well as providing him with more triggers, perhaps. I wonder how he's going to develop once he's at Hogwarts. If he's worried about people thinking he's weird for raising his sister out of her grave, they're sure going to think he's weird once he starts channeling their dead relatives. I have a feeling things might be a little tough for George. Good thing he'll have Mittens with him.
The only thing I would warn about is being careful not to overuse George's powers. If he gets feelings about everything, sooner or later, it's going to come across as too convenient. Just something to keep an eye on as his powers develop.
Aw, Teddy was rather cute. I loved the way he and George interacted. I think that overall, you're doing a good job portraying the way children act, like when you included a little sentence about the way Victoire and Dominique basically ignore George.
That business with the wand was very interesting. Has Caraveggio's Curiosities replaced Borgin & Burke's, then? It actually doesn't surprise me that George has an unusual wand, but I certainly wasn't expecting him to have to go to Knockturn Alley for it! I thought the history you provided for that wand was very interesting, and it was a nice touch to have Bill along as well.
I was indeed wondering about Molly's pelican Patronus, though I hadn't planned to ask. Thanks for the explanation. Also, I don't miss the indentation at all. In fact, that was one thing that irritated me slightly about reading your stories. I love indentations in actual paper books, but online, with a blank line between paragraphs, it seems really unnecessary, and it starts looking odd with a lot of short paragraphs.Author's Response: I'll start with the question about Caraveggio's Curiosities first. No, it hasn't replaced Borgin and Burke's. I almost put the wand in Borgin and Burke's, but decided it was just too seedy for Ollivander to deal with. I needed a place that would be more of a curiosity shoppe rather than a real Dark Arts emporium, especially since George's wand isn't a Dark object. Borgin and Burke's is still there and may play a part in the story later.
On George's powers. I was concerned about how much he showed in this chapter. I almost, almost cut the part with him channeling Tonks because I thought it was showing too much with him this chapter, especially with premonitions of Ollivander's death and the strangeness with his wand. I decided to leave it in only because it's important to his bond with Teddy. So, I totally understand what you mean about overload of his strange powers; it's one of the reasons that the next chapter is going to be mostly a Harry chapter.
As for George at Hogwarts, he's going to have to learn to hide some of this or control it, otherwise he'll be overwhelmed. You'll see some of that when he actually arrives at Hogwarts.
Glad you liked Teddy's characterization. I'm always nervous writing a canon character that I've never written before. I've seen lots of stories with Teddy as an older teen, but not so many with him just getting ready to go to Hogwarts. I'm especially glad that you don't think the characters are acting too old, especially George. With his strange powers and his upbringing, he's a bit jaded, but I don't want him to seem a child of 15, when he's just 11.
Ah, the indentations. When I see a story without them, I twitch. I really, really think that they're necessary, but I'm starting to get used to the online way of not having them. It's used to really bug me when stories weren't indented, but now it bugs me more to have to insert them by hand, especially in a longer chapter. So, I'm going to bow to the online mode rather than go with what my gut tells me it should be. At least I know it's indented in my word processing files. LOL.
I want to take a moment and thank you for being patient and waiting for this update. I know I've been slow lately and I apologize. I'm going to be writing 2 one-shots in the next month for a couple of challenges (a Tomerva for one), so it will be a while before this gets updated again. Just not enough real-life time to write everything I want.
Also, thanks so much for being a supporter of my work and recommending me. I sometimes feel I fall between the cracks, because I don't write a lot of 'ship-centric' stories, so it's gratifying to know that there's someone out there who is reading and reviewing. Your reviews mean a lot to me. Report Review
Hey again, back to review ch. 6 as requested. This chapter was quite interesting all the way up to George's mother's autopsy report saying she had been 'childless' meaning she had never bore children. I'm curious as to who George's biological parents are then; if they're magical or muggle.
The flow in which you used to get the story moving along in this chapter went smoothly through in both description and dialogue. I like how you're writing from Harry's perspective as it seems very much like how he would act as an adult now compared to how he was in his adolescent years at Hogwarts (and the year he, Ron, and Hermione hid from Voldemort and his Death Eaters while searching and destroying horcruxes). Excellent characterisation of Harry, Ginny, Hermione, the children, and the Weasleys so far and keep up the great writing. Feel free to come back to request the next few chapters.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the CC on the characterisations. I really felt like I had Harry down, but I worry about the others a lot, especially Molly and Arthur, so comments like yours help me know that I'm on the right track.
I will defintely re-request when I get chapter 8 posted, which should be soon. I really appreciate your reviews.
George's biological parents are important to the story, that's all I can say without spoilers.
Thanks also for the comments on flow. I learned a lot about dialogue from reallyginny. She helped me so much. Report Review
Hey, back again to review ch. 5! I thought this chapter flowed quite well, and I really liked the enchanted message you had the Hit Wizard give to Harry in order to warn him that he was being watched. You have a good balance of magic in each chapter as a reminder that they're wizards, too, especially when Harry enchanted Albus' whistle so that only he could hear it. Those boys really are quite the little terrors, though I wouldn't expect any different from a Potter. Over all, the chapter flowed well together with description and dialogue, moving the story along nicely.Author's Response: As soon as I wrote the message, I knew it needed an animated chapter image for it and I love the one that psi did for it.
Even though there will be some technology in this story (as I've hinted about with Harry and the gun), I learned from 'Graverobbers' to temper it with enough magic to keep the reader immersed in the HP world. I agree with you that it's often the little things like enchanting a whistle that keep the reader in rather than big things like a battle. I'm glad you enjoy the balance of magic in the chapters.
I already mentioned the boys in the response to the last chapter, but I just wanted to reiterate. I think they'd be a lot like Harry and Sirius, and a bit hard to handle sometimes.
Thanks so much for the validation of your reviews. Report Review
Hey, back to review ch. 4 as requested (and I'm sorry it's taken this long to review)! This chapter was a nice starter as George settled in with his new family and met everyone. I like how you wrote him learning to fly, albeit imperfectly as no one is perfect at flying their first time (even Harry as he learned to fly when he was still a year old and his body was probably just remembering how when he flew first at Hogwarts).
The Potter boys are simply adorable trouble makers, and I simply loved James' comment about Rose being a girl. So cute and definitely something a small boy would make an observation about. Over all, great chapter as it flowed well and the dialogue between the characters was natural and helped move the story along.Author's Response: Don't worry about how long it took to review. I'm dreadfully behind in reviewing myself, so I understand.
I'm glad that you enjoyed this chapter. I really didn't like the way that I wrote the meeting between George and George, but I knew it had to come up at some point. He will see all the family at some point (well, maybe not Charlie).
I just thought that flying lessons was something that Ginny would try to do to relax George. Quidditch is hereditary in the Weasleys it seems.
Ah, the boys. I picture them as typical rambunctious toddlers and I could really picture George giving them something loud. I also am glad that you enjoyed the interaction of the boys with the adults and the other kids.
Dialogue always concerns me, so knowing that it seemed natural helped.
Again, thanks for reading and reviewing this. I appreciate the CC. Report Review
Hey, back again to review ch. 3 as promised. I thought this chapter was well paced with everything that happened in it, especially the leading up to the major scene where George warns that they have to get Percy and Harry immediately jumping into action. It's just like when George knew his mother was dying, only this time he foresaw Percy's life being in danger. With each chapter the plot thickens as we discover more about George Krupp, and you're doing a great job with keeping the interest/curiosity levels up without giving away too much information all at once. Over all, another great chapter and feel free to come back to request the next three chapters if you'd like me to continue reviewing your story. :)Author's Response: Yes, George definitely has the ability to see if people are about to die. It will be important to the story throughout upcoming chapters. When I wrote that scene, I could picture the adult Harry jumping into action because he's seen what George knows first-hand, twice.
Thanks for letting me know that I'm not giving away too much at once again. I have the issue sometimes that I want to jam too much into a chapter and I'm glad it's not coming out that way with this story (I learned a lot from my failure of flashbacks in 'Dudley and Lavender').
I have just posted in your thread again requesting the next three chapters. I'm glad you're enjoying this, since I know stories like this aren't for everyone. Report Review
Hey, back to review ch. 2 as promised. This was nicely written and I like the pace you're taking with the plot. It's not going too slowly, yet it's not fast either. You seem to be giving more information as the story moves forward. I like how the Unspeakables are questioning George and treating him as though he is a mere experiment for them instead of a living being. It kind of fits for them since we know very little about Unspeakables and they seem like they wouldn't have manners and social skills due to being cooped up the Department of Mysteries day in and day out. Over all, great writing so far.Author's Response: I appreciate the comments on the pace, Leslie. I worry sometimes about putting too much out at once and I'm glad to know that it's proceeding at a good pace.
The Unspeakables are a definite part of this and I have a certain image of them in my mind. You've hit upon part of it.
Thank you for the nice review and the comments on the writing. I feel like I still have so much to learn about writing.
Having reviews lately makes me want to write more again; I've been slowing down lately. Report Review
Hello, Leslie from TGS here to review as requested. I think this is an interesting story plot and I'm definitely intrigued with where you'll take this story.
Characterisation: The way you've characterised Harry is just how I imagined him to be as an adult, responsible and still looking out for others before himself. And then how you've wrote the boy George Krupp is well developed and original. I'm curious about his strength and power of rising the dead from their graves. Very original story concept.
Plot: Same thing I said already, it's original and definitely something I haven't read here on the archives. Great start with kicking off the story to get the ball rolling in motion. It almost seems a bit like another Tom Riddle legacy is being born again, though hopefully with the right people influencing him, George will not go over to the dark side. Over all, excellent writing in this first chapter. :)Author's Response: Leslie, thank you for the review. I was fairly certain that it was original for HP, but I was much less certain that it was interesting. Thank you for putting my mind at ease on that front.
I had a lot of plot points to introduce in this chapter and I wanted to be sure that it wasn't too much thrown at the reader at once. I knew I wanted to start with a 'bang' and I'm pleased that came across.
Harry was definitely worried about George falling like Riddle. I was told once that I should pull the part about Harry thinking about orphanages, but I just couldn't after what he'd seen in Riddle's memories.
I'm glad you think I have the adult Harry down. I still think he would be impetuous, but tempered some by experience as well. I also think that he would still be angsty and torn apart emotionally over things he can't control. He just seems the type to blame himself to me.
I love George Krupp and I really want to do him justice as an OC. I hope his development continues well for you. His necromancy is something new to the HP world and I'm going to try to keep it canon with what was revealed in DH and Beedle the Bard (no raising the dead to a new life).
Thanks again for the review. It's always hard to get reviews for dark stories, so I appreciate the read and review and the CC. Report Review
Jane from TGS here! Sorry for the horrifically long wait, but I sometimes forget how demanding school can be XD.
Anyway, to address your query about whether this begins in too much media res, I would have to say no. You do ease the reader in a little at the start, but all the action going on really hooks you in, and it all flows very well so there are absolutely no problems. The flow was also very fluid and I enjoyed that very much, especially when combined with the fast paced action in this chapter.
However, one little thing I did notice was that you have a tendency to repeat words which, if not necessarily disruptive to the flow, can leave the reader wishing things were more varied. For example, 'He paused halfway to his pocket with it before he jammed it in his pocket', I think that you would have been better off just writing 'jammed it in'. There are a few other spots where you use the same word quite a few times in quick succession, so it might be nice to use some different vocab there.
Characterisation was very good in my opinion - one of the other strong points of the piece. You created interest in this boy and managed to portray this older, more grown up Harry well. He's more mature, but obviously still displays the passion of his youth and also that stubborn streak, but combined with a lot of integrity and moral fibre. George was extremely intriguing to read about and I felt that his response was emotional, as well as accurate for a boy of his age.
As for your dialogue, I thought George's was wonderful, and for the most part it was of a very high standard. Although, I couldn't help but feel that it was a little stiff sometimes. I understood that when Harry was talking to George he was going to be a little more formal, or going to take more care with his words, but I felt like there would have been more differentiation between how he conversed with George and how he conversed with Connor. Also, maybe you could develop some sort of trait that goes with the Scottish dialect for Connor. It may be hard, but some research might help, as I fear we may forget he's Scottish otherwise :P. That's merely my opinion though, and really not necessary.
I think this is a fascinating story premise and you've pulled off this chapter wonderfully! Great work!Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review. Repetition and redundancy (lol) is something I struggle with, so thanks for bringing it to my attention that I did it again here. I miss it even when I'm editing sometimes; I just have a blind spot for it I guess. That's why I need a beta, generally.
I'm so glad you liked George's dialogue. He's meant to be a little stiff, but I might need to loosen his dialogue up some--a very valid point.
Also glad you enjoyed the characterisation. I know George's character pretty well and thought I did a good job writing him, nice to have validation. Also happy you liked my characterisation of Harry. I like writing Harry as I understand his motivations pretty well and it helps make him feel real to me and I hope to others.
I have written Broad Scots dialect in another story, but I always feel that I'm going to far and delving into 'Shrek' territory. I have a lot of respect for the Scots, so I don't want to do a caricature of the accent. But I agree that the occasional Caledonian phrase might be helpful. Honestly, the unsaid fact that he's Slytherin is more important than his Scottish-ness.
Thank you again for the review and the CC. CC is what helps us to grow as writers and it's a good thing to find. I especially like it coming from an author as skilled as you.
Hey Pookha, sorry it took me so long to get to this :)
Honestly, I was a bit sceptical coming into this, as it's not my usual read. I'm not a big fan of this genre or type of story as a rule. So props to you, because this was easy for me to read. Your description and dialogue flows very well and keeps a reader engaged through out the entire story.
The scene between Harry and Connor was perhaps the best. You communicated the sort of relationship they have very well, and kept the language they were using professional, but believable and easy to follow. Well done there.
I also particularly like the bit at the beginning, when you're describing Harry's surprise at seeing an unknown number on his mobile. Just a brief phrase, when he wonders if he's going to have to bail Dudley out of jail again. It's probably not significant to the story at all in any way, but for me it really communicated the sort of relationship he holds with his cousin. That they're still in contact and such. Really liked that small addition.
My absolute favourite paragraph is the last one. The way you describe his dreams without going into tremendous detail. It was perfect, just perfect.
Great chapter here, very well written and well laid out.
~ShilohAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the review. I must admit that I was a bit concerned because it has only gotten a few reviews. I think that it just must not be most people's cup of tea.
I'm glad to know that the writing is okay and easy to read. I've worked so hard on dialogue since I've started writing, so I'm also glad that it flows well.
That scene with Harry thinking it's Dudley might come up later in the story. I'm not sure if I'm going to have Dudley in the story or not, but he will be mentioned at the least.
Thank you again for the kind words and reassurances that it doesn't suck greatly :)
Ah, Connor...he's a Slytherin, but he's the sort who's more ambitious than evil. He's a good boss, but he has an agenda of his own. Report Review
I only noticed one error, though I wasn't really keeping my eyes peeled. This is an error that's very common in speech, as well as writing, and I'm not surprised you missed it in proof-reading, because the contractions make it more difficult to spot.
"There's bad kids and there's good kids." You have a plural noun (kids) with a singular verb (is). To be grammatically correct, it should be "There are bad kids . . ." I suppose you know that.
I really liked your description of the Floo-call. I don't recall ever having read one before in which the author described what the Floo-er was doing. It was fascinating to read about Andromeda straightening her hair and jotting a note in her calendar during the call.
Glowing food! Ah, there's Arthur for you. Always tinkering with something. You know, now that I think about it, I'm a little surprised he hasn't been pumping George for information about Muggles. Either he's mellowed out with age, or he's being sensitive to George's needs. I suspect the latter; Arthur is a good man.
I'm not sure whether or not to be suspicious of that visit by Grace Travis-Smythe. It's perfectly plausible that she conduct a welfare check, and I'm actually glad to hear it. However, she seemed very upset about something, which does make me feel suspicious. Also, the fact that she wandered about the house alone gives me puase, as does Harry's reaction to her.
I wonder how George is going to stick to his diet at Hogwarts? He doesn't seem terribly enthusiastic about the diet (though I'm sure he wouldn't mind losing weight, obviously he's used food to replace a need that wasn't being met, and that isn't a pattern that changes overnight), and at Hogwarts he'll have some choice at mealtimes. I doubt he'll stick with the salad.
Anyway, I suppose George's Hogwarts meals are relatively unimportant to the overall plot. What's most interesting to me in this chapter is the hint that George will meet Teddy and that Ms. Travis-Smythe paid a visit.Author's Response: Hmm, you're correct that it should be 'There are good kids..." Most people that I know don't speak correctly, but Molly probably would, so I'll have to change that. Thanks for pointing it out. I must admit that if it had been George Krupp speaking that I'd leave it how it is, but as it's Molly it definitely should be changed.
Glad you liked the Floo-call. One of the things that was wrong with my early work is that people were 'static' during conversation, so I try to put movement in now, so thank you for noticing and approving.
Arthur's definitely pumping George for info on Muggles, it's just background for the most part, like the fridge light. I'm trying to show a bond between Arthur/George growing without showing it specifically a lot.
George will have some troubles at Hogwarts with his food choices for sure, but he will have someone to help look after him...no spoiler though. I can't say anything about Grace either except you haven't seen the last of her.
George and Teddy are going to be buds, that's not really a spoiler. I have some ideas about Teddy that may or may not be things others have written (I haven't read many Teddy stories, so I don't know what's cliche about him and what's not; gives me freedom to write what I want about him).
Thanks again for reviewing all the chapters. It seems like you're the only one reading sometimes. I appreciate your kind words and your CC. Report Review
Hi there! It's been ages since I left a review for you, it seems. I was quite excited to see your status update saying you'd added a chapter to this story. :-)
Funny you should mention this story is unbetaed, as I was going to say that there were a few minor comma placement errors here and there. Normally your grammar is quite good. (With most writers, I wouldn't even bring up the few little commas.)
I have to say I found the conversation between Harry and Hermione to be off somehow (though the beginning I liked). It just . . . didn't flow quite right. Perhaps that's because of Rose's interruption. I know you've alluded previously to her being kidnapped, but there's a lot of history there that I'm completely unaware of, so I found myself a bit lost. That's not in another story of yours that I've somehow missed, is it?
On the other hand, I found the conversation between Harry and Ginny to be rather good. That flowed well, they had good rapport, and I didn't feel confused about any of it. You described the scene and little actions very well also.
Further, I liked the way Harry interacted with Arthur and Molly as well. Overall, I really enjoy the way you write Harry as an adult (I think I've mentioned this before; excuse the broken-recordness). He's fully human, with flaws (and not just a silly crooked nose or a "not good at Potions" so-called flaw in an otherwise flawless, superhero character) and very realistic reactions, fears, doubts, etc. He seems like a real person who could be a real pain in the butt sometimes, even if he's generally a nice guy who means well.
Ooh, the plot continues to thicken! Hm-hm-hm. So George's mother isn't his biological mother. That's inntterresstting. I suppose that likely means he may not even be Muggleborn, technically. I am SO curious, but I know I'll have to be patient. And I'm still waiting patiently (depending on when I evaluate my patience level) to discover the reason for the spying by the Dept. of Mysteries.
Say, Harry's dream is another interesting thing, especially since I was just observant enough to notice your chapter title. Now I have conspiracy theories bouncing around my head (you authors like to play games with your readers!). Maybe the dream's a premonition.Author's Response: I think the reason that the conversation with Hermione is odd is that it was originally a conversation with Ginny (in the original, Hermione left after telling Harry what 'nulliparous' meant). I re-worked the conversation quite a bit and I think maybe I over-worked it.
Thanks for pointing out the comma errors...I have a style guide, but I'm guilty of just placing commas where they sound good to me sometimes, so that's why it might be weird.
The situation with Rose is one of the main plot points in the story and Harry's re-self-discovery is meant to parallel George's self-discovery. I promise that what happened with Rose will be slowly revealed over the course of the story.
I'm so glad that you thought the way Harry interacted with Molly and Arthur was good. I think I have a good feel for an adult Harry and I'm glad you like his adult characterization. I just realized recently that whenever I think about an adult Harry, I always think he has some emotional problems; he's quick to anger, can hold a grudge, sometimes a bit fiery. But, he's also loyal, has a good heart and wants to do right. I think he's more interested in justice than in fairness (as opposed to Hermione who would be about fairness first).
*whistles innocently about the dream* Do you think I would foreshadow? *evil laughter*
George's mother is even more strange because George had a sister who attended Hogwarts, but died around age 14. So Georgina wasn't her mother either...
Thanks so much for the review and the CC. I appreciate hearing both what I did well and what I did not so well. Report Review
Yes, I agree: self-contained chapter. I don't think there's anything wrong with 5000+ word chapters (unless it's late at night while I'm trying to fill review requests). I thought this was a very good chapter. You have no need to apologize for the length. It didn't even feel like a long chapter. It held my interest throughout.
There were some amusing parts. I enjoyed the descriptions of Harry insisting on plain coffee and a plain croissant. I enjoyed the whistles. My mother gave my sister and me whistles once, and they became something we basically were supposed to use only underwater in a swimming pool. The bit about the tinfoil hat guy was absolutely hilarious!
Even better than that, it was clever. I just loved the way you disguised a wizard and a secret message into something so crazy. You merge the Wizarding and Muggle worlds very well in your writing. Oh, right, something else amusing: the Jarvey. Is that a "real" beast, or did you make it up? (I have to ask because Jo almost always puts creatures in her stories, some of which she invents and some of which she gets from the Magical Beasts list.)
Do you know how nice it is to read about an adult Harry? The Harry I expect based on the books is mostly a teen, of course, but sometimes I get so sick of reading about him and all the other characters as teenagers. Ack. It's like a lovely respite to read a story with mature, adult characters, and Harry is such an ordinary guy here. He's easy to relate to and fun to read about.
The autopsy report of Wilhelmina Krupp? Dun-dun-dun! Verrry interrresting. You just had to end the chapter there, didn't you! Hmph. *taps food impatiently* I'll be back to read that report as soon as it's available to the general public.
By the way, Mittens was too cute.Author's Response: The Jarvey is a canon creature from J.K. Rowling that's mentioned in 'Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.' It looks like a large ferret, but can talk and it likes to insult people.
Thanks for letting me know that I don't need to apologize for the chapter length. I always feel strange when I have a chapter over about 3,500 words, but sometimes that's just how long a chapter is. I was originally going to cut the Jarvey part entirely, but my beta Bella_Portia convinced me not to and I think it was the right call as it shows that Harry's comfortable in the Muggle and Wizard world and that will be important later on.
I'm glad you liked the small bits about the tinfoil hat, Harry's rejection of fancy coffee and George giving James and Albus whistles. Giving the boys whistles seems like the sort of low-key 'prank' that George would do to his sister and brother-in-law.
You know, you're right about an adult Harry. It's been mentioned to me before (and it may have even been you) that there aren't a lot of stories where you see what Harry does in his job as an Auror. You'll definitely see some of it in this story, but Harry will have other adult problems, too. I really picture Harry as down-to-earth as an adult, and not so angsty. He'll have a problem here, but it's related to his work and it will slowly unfold throughout the story.
Mittens is also very important to the story and will be attending Hogwarts as well. I love cats and I think it shows when I write about them.
Wilhemina's autopsy will be unexpected, so expect the unexpected. I hope to start writing it soon, but I've not been inspired to write lately. I log on and get distracted by something else; online gaming or car shopping (need a new car).
I truly appreciate your reviews on this as you seem to be the only person reviewing it. Your CC means a lot to me and it's always interesting to see one of your reviews. Report Review
It's celticbard from eHPf, here to review your fic as requested. ^_^
Before I read this chapter, I went back and took a look at Graverobbers to get a little background info. I think you did a good job expanding George's character in this piece. In the first story, he appears mischievous and not completely malevolent, even though he has intentionally desecrated several graves. In this fic, however, I get the sense that there is something behind his innocence. After all, how did he know that his mother was going to die in her sleep? His affinity for death is certainly chilling. I have to agree with Connor in his assessment of the boy. He needs to be watched very carefully.
Your history of necromancers was quite creative and I enjoyed the historical tidbit involving Rostopich. The only thing I would suggest working on is pacing. Too much happened in this chapter and the reader was forced to digest a lot of information at once. Not only are we presented with the death of George's mother, but also Harry's conflicts with his career as an Auror. If I were to rewrite this chapter, I would lengthen the first scene and extend the dialogue between Harry and George. Therefore, readers will get a better idea of their burgeoning relationship and you can take your time detailing Harry's trouble with the Auror office in the next chapter.
I enjoyed reading this story, Carl and I would be more than happy to continue with it. Please feel free to drop by my queue and re-request for chapter two. Also, if you have any questions about this review, do not hesitate to contact me. I hope you have a great week!
celticbardAuthor's Response: Thank you so very much for the CC about pacing. I get better at one thing and then discover that there's always room for improvement somewhere else. Writing is a very growing experience. You never stop growing as you write.
Thanks for the compliments about the history of necromancy. I thought a little backstory was necessary here so people knew that George wasn't completely new in the world, just rare.
Thank you so much for your review.
George is neither malevolent or mischievous, really; he's more confused and adrift. I hope to show how he is more in future chapters with both Teddy and Harry. Report Review
*accusatory stare* You're writing this story faster than I can keep up with it! I wasn't expecting another chapter so soon. Not that I'm upset. No, not at all. I'd rather have quick chapters than have to wait a long time for an update.
Ah-ah-ah-hah! I know exactly why you put that nicknaming scene in there, and I must say that as a reader I am quite grateful, despite the obviousness of the ploy. I'd have gone cross-eyed and mushy-brained trying to figure out which George you were talking about in the following scene . . . and since in writing it, you probably would have confused yourself, that would have just compounded MY confusion. I never thought about George Weasley having similar initials to G.W. (Bush) before, but by golly, so he does!
Right, for some real comments. I am really enjoying the way the Weasleys are all being so accepting of George and really doing their best to include him and help him feel better. I like the way you worked Dudley into this story. Did Ginny have those photos solely because of George, or does she carry pictures of Dudley around just because he's Harry's cousin? I really liked the bit about Dudley having a boxing-lesson gym.
There were a few more things I liked: The way you portrayed Harry as he left his job and the way you described that scene in general. Harry's interaction with Ron. Ginny playing Quidditch.
Oh, and something that made me laugh: The comment about the insurance people! Especially how they wouldn't be able to out-paper push Percy! (Try saying that five times fast.) I liked this chapter best so far.Author's Response: Normally, I'm quite a slow updater, but this time I was smart and had three chapters (that became four chapters) written and ready to be betaed before I posted the story. That's why the fast chapters.
Yeah, I had to add the nicknaming scene. George Weasley's not going to be real important in the later parts of the story, but he had to be in the story and meet his foster brother. I hate the way some of it's written, as I think my prose is a bit clumsy, but it needed to be done. I thought the bit about W. was funny, but I make fun of all presidents.
I think the Weasleys would be pretty much as I portray them here. Accepting, gracious, concerned about George and wanting to help. Soon I will introduce George's new friend, Teddy Lupin.
Ginny has photos of Dudley sheerly because he's Harry's cousin. For some reason, I picture her as one of the people who carry a massive amount of photos. At least that's easier when you're a witch. My wife's purse weighs a ton. Dudley might make another appearance, I'm still not sure yet if he'll show up or not. I will tell you that in this fic, he's somewhat reformed, but still a bit of a yob. He's married to a woman named Charlene (tentatively), and they have a rocky relationship. He's a recovering alcoholic (three years sober). I don't know why I know that backstory about such a minor character in the story, but I do.
I had never written Quidditch before, so I was worried about that. I could see Ginny or Harry trying to bond with George over flying as they both love it. I'm thinking there might be a Weasley Quidditch game later on, but I'm not sure.
I'm sure you noticed that I tend to write in little vignettes and I'm glad that's working for the characterizations and interactions of the characters.
I'm starting to get excited about writing the next two chapters, especially the one where George will go shopping for Hogwarts and get his wand. I promise you'll be surprised... Report Review
The rock-on sign? I don't even know what that is. Then again, I'm usually the last one to catch on when it comes to slang or trendy things. Or maybe this one was a bit before my time. Anyway, I found it disproportionately funny that Charlie flashed a "rock-on sign" at George. I sat there re-reading that a few times, chuckling and wondering what the heck is a rock-on sign.
Wow, quite the redacted report. The Unspeakables might as well have sent up a few sheets of black parchment. I liked the way you described the three men, Harry, Connor, and Jim Philby and their actions. I always like to see little things, like what a character does as they speak. That makes the scene and the characters stand out to me more. When I read that a character is rubbing his eyes or fiddling with her hair, it just makes it seem more real to me, because I wouldn't necessarily think to imagine it myself.
Oh, one thing that didn't do a lot for me was when Molly said she was going to the Ministry to check on things and then right at that second Harry & George showed up. I personally think Molly would be more inclined to sit at home and worry (at least up to a certain point), but the coincidence after was a little jarring, at least to me. It's such a minor thing in the story, though, that it almost seems petty to mention it, especially when this detail may largely be due to personal preference anyway.
What a freak accident with Percy! A bin lorry (I guess that's a garbage truck?) crashing through his house? Either that's a freak accident or something sinister is going on. Obviously, you've revealed something else about George and his talents here. I don't know if I'd say he seems to be psychic (actually, that's exactly what I'd say), but he definitely seems to have some sort of sense that likely is related to his necromancy. Lucky he was there and looking at that picture, is all I have to say. I would have been disappointed if you'd killed off Percy.
Right, one last thing. I really, really liked the way Ron interacted with George!Author's Response: Charlie says 'rock-on'. I know from your PM response that you get it now and I think it's totally IC for Charlie.
Descriptions of what people are doing during dialogue was something I learned from my beta for my hidden story, reallyginny. She made me aware that my dialogue was staid and stagnant and that adding just a little action helps a lot. After writing Harry rubbing his eyes and sighing, etc. I have a better feel for their emotions and it helps me write.
Hmm, I think Molly is more direct and would take action. I don't picture her as a stay-at-home worrier, but that's just our differing opinions. I'm sorry that you didn't care for that part.
Was it an accident with Percy? Or something more sinister? Is the redacted report important? Mwaa, haa, haa. All shall be revealed eventually.
George is slightly precogniscient, but only regarding death. I promise no Weasley deaths in this fic, but don't read my abadoned fic 'The Descent into Tyranny,' because it starts by killing Arthur.
A bin lorry is precisely a garbage truck. I try to anglicise, but being an American, I know I'll miss some.
Glad you liked how Ron interacted with George. Next chapter will be Ginny and George W. with George K.
I'm so happy for your reviews and CC. They mean a lot to me. Report Review
What a very intriguing ending to the chapter. I sense a mystery coming on. There's definitely a sinister edge emerging . . . I'll have to see how far you take it. The weird thing is that I just recently finished reading a story by one of my favorite authors (MyGinevra) in which the Unspeakable Croaker (Amander, I think?) was a potential villain. MyGinevra is also an older male writer. Interesting coincidence.
On to your story. I really enjoyed your characterization of Arthur! Some writers really go overboard with his Muggle fascination, and that's the only bit of him that emerges. You didn't even mention Muggles in connection to Arthur once, but he seemed perfectly Arthur-like. As in the HP books, I had the impression that Arthur is someone I could be comfortable around. There were the little things, like him tuning the radio (men and their sports . . . no offense), scanning the document with a practiced bureaucrat's eye, the pacing, his story about blowing up the shed. All that made him relatable and human. Then at the end, you reminded the reader that there's more to Arthur than the comfortable, pleasant bureaucrat. I wasn't expecting it, but I think it fits his character to have dimmed the lights. And Molly casting Muffliato! Arthur and Molly make quite a pair. The way you wrote them relating to one another was pleasant to read. I can picture them both wanting to take someone in, especially Molly.
Overall, I thought the meeting with George flowed well. From the very beginning, you had that interrogation room thing going on, which made me immediately suspicious and on guard. George was suspicious and on guard as well, but for different reasons. I'm still having trouble remembering he's only ten, but you did a good job portraying a scared, suspicious, neglected child. I thought his characterization there was nicely done. He perhaps opened up to the Weasleys faster than I expected him to, but you provided legitimate reasons for the ice to break. George is already comfortable with Harry, and he was anxious to be reassured that he wasn't in trouble over the Fred incident. Besides, who couldn't warm to Molly? Both she and her husband know children well, of course. I can see the bond beginning to form between them, and I think it's beneficial that George will have some time with them and love from them before heading off to Hogwarts.
I have to admit I did find the lurking presence behind the window to be a bit strange, even distracting, during the meeting scene. However, I don't think that's a bad thing, necessarily, as it got me to feeling unsettled, as the characters obviously were also. In addition, the lurking presence played an important role in allowing George to find a reason to trust the Weasleys and believe they're on his side.
By the way, thank you for always responding so quickly to my reviews! So far, you've always had one up within a day or two at the most. (No pressure, though.)Author's Response: Again, thanks so much for the review. I was quite concerned about moving too fast with the meeting between George and the Weasleys. I'm glad it didn't seem that I opened him up too much. I'm really trying to work on that with this fic.
In this fic, Croaker will be male and his name is Ewan. I won't comment about whether or not he's really a villain. :) It is interesting though, that such a minor character, who I think was only mentioned (or unmentioned) once has been in two fics you've read recently.
I always hate fics where Arthur is just fuddled. He's a strong male character. He may be slightly eccentric (esp. compared to, oh say, Xenophilius), but he's still a very capable wizard, as can be seen with his job. And let's not forget...he enchanted a car to fly! I think he's quite capable of a 'Molly v. Bellatrix' moment if his family's threatened. I did mention Muggles once, but it was in passing when they're talking with George and he's laughing at Arthur's misconceptions of the Muggle world.
Yes, Arthur and Molly make a good pair, and I try to show their relationship in a mature light.
Unsettling is a good thing. I want this to be a bit of an 'X-files' episode with the Potterverse (although a lot less than 'Graverobbers').
Since I don't get tons of reviews (I'm pretty much a niche writer), I always try to respond to them quickly. I appreciate your quickness in reviewing and leaving CC I can work with. Report Review
Well, I'm usually not crazy about magical characters using a bunch of Muggle devices, but with Harry, it fit that he had a mobile and a gun. It didn't seem odd to me. The bit about him wondering about having to bail Dudley out of jail again had me laughing for about five minutes. I would definitely read a story about that . . .
Anyway. I haven't gotten to the meeting you mentioned that you wanted feedback on, so I'll wing it as usual. :-) I'm really intrigued by this story so far. I am intrigued by the way you varied the pace of the writing. The beginning was very frenzied, tense, and fast, but it slowed down and became a bit sleepy (like Harry) near the end. The middle part was medium. At least that's how I saw it.
George interests me as a character. A Necromancer. I've never read an HP story involving a necromancer. And I don't think I've come across HP-universe zombies/Animortes before either. That description of Fred digging his way out of his grave to be a horror-house showpiece was a little wierd (nooo!! Let Fred rest in peace!), but it did give a short and effective image of what George can do. I found it interesting, by the way, that you named the OC George and then mentioned Fred. Was that on purpose, or did you just pick a common name for the OC?
My goodness, I am concerned about Harry! I don't know how much more you will reveal in this story, but my interest is piqued: I want to know more about all those little things that were hinted at. The hostage-Rose situation, the Mundungus burglary, all the Animortes shambling around, how Harry met George. Anyhoo, this story is off to an intriguing start and definitely sucked me in!
I'll continue with the second chapter later tonight.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review again. I don't request a lot of reviews, but I value your opinion a lot.
In 'Graverobbers' I really played up the technology/magic crossover. It's going to be much less pronounced here. However, some of it's important to the plot, so it won't go away completely.
I love adding little asides, like bailing Dudley out of jail, and the Mundungus situation (both of which are unimportant and won't be expanded on) and other things that will be like the Rose situation.
George's name was very deliberately chosen in 'Graverobbers,' but now I've got two George's in a story! At least George Weasleys not a main character here, too. Even though George Krupp's a necromancer, I'll be mostly following canon, so don't expect him to raise the dead (we know it's impossible from the canon books).
Harry's situation and George's are meant to be parallel story-lines of self-discovery and self-rediscovery as they come to terms with themselves or their past in Harry's case.
I appreciate your comments on the pacing as well. I meant it to start fast, but I hope it didn't get too sleepy...
Thank you again for your review and your kind words and CC. Report Review
could you give a link to graveyard robbersAuthor's Response: Graverobbers is on my author's page. Just click my name and it will show all my stories. It's near the bottom of my page and has a banner with angel statues and a grave-cross. I would link, but you're not allowed to link in stories or reviews. Report Review
Looking good! I'm interested and I'll definitely be checking back for the next chapter.Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I'm currently in process of getting a beta and hope to have the next chapter posted soon. It is actually complete and ready to go to beta. Report Review
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