My goodness. What an intense ending. I figured there would be a death at the end, simply due to the nature of the challenge's prompt, but I couldn't have predicted the exact nature of the death. I thought the moody, broody feeling of this story was very strong and well-written.
There were a couple of things I found a bit off. I thought the relationship between John Crane and Charlotte could have done with a bit more development, although I realize things were different in the time period this story was set. It would have been nice to see them exchange a glance or two on their journey, though. Also, I thought it weird that Charlotte left without her child; there was no mention whatsoever of who (her family, obviously) would care for him while she was away. However, I still found that this story drew my attention, and I thought you conveyed emotion well.Author's Response: I think I must've been in a dreadful mood when I wrote this, haha, so that's probably where my strength came from ;)
I agree with you very much with the development of their relationship. I think for this story, I was focusing a bit too much on the impending doom. As for the child, that is something that I meant to happen. She blamed the child for a lot of her situation, and her motherly instinct was not very well developed. I'm glad that you appreciated this story for what it was, though (a big mess of crazy)! I really appreciated the review :) Report Review
Oh.*sniffles* Tragically sad but terribly good.Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! :) Report Review
You have a talent, it seems, for building things up and suddenly bringing them crashing down in an instant. Really, this was brilliant. The tale you created about a character that is mentioned in passing (I'm pretty sure, correct me if I'm wrong) was simply...wow. Brilliant, amazing, creative! I'm pretty sure all the other entries for the Staff Challenge I have seen are Bloody Baron/Helena Ravenclaw pieces, so kudos for extreme originality! Really, it was so enjoyable. Well done, great entry!Author's Response: I'm not going to lie, I'm a sucker for ruining my character's lives. How awful of me. Hehe. Thank you very much! This is the first piece that I've ever been truly terrified to post. I spent a couple hours actually researching the time period (that was for another challenge), and then I just wrote and wrote. It took me so much longer than usual, and when I was done, I was like, "Huh?" But I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks, as always, Jelly! Report Review
Uh wow. You have a great writing style, but I'll concede you have a point, when in your summary you wonder what you were thinking. Haha, it's not a bad story, on the contrary, I'd say it is well written, but your plot is...wow.
I found myself rather captivated by the character of Charlotte. She experiences so many highs and lows in her life. But I felt the ending was...well, I'm not sure. I'm torn between predictable and disappointing. I liked Charlotte too much to want her to die, but at the same time, I knew she was going to.
Well, I'm rambling here, but great writing and connection to the characters even if the plot was rather random. Props!Author's Response: It's a twisty-turny thing of doom, I know that, haha. I had to kill her, though. Ghosts are born of violent deaths, so her death was inevitable. I'm glad that you liked her enough to care about her death, though. Thanks for the review! :) Report Review
No... You absolutely did NOT get this wrong... I thought it was brilliant - an inspired piece of work... and a little outside of the norm - that's a good thing, trust me. I think you should be very proud of this piece. If you are seriously thinking of deleting it, please don't.Author's Response: Ohh, oops! I totally misunderstood me! Thank you then! I'm sorry that I got it wrong :[ Report Review
Annyeong haseyo ^_^ Ilia here.
Before I even begin reading this, I discourage you from choosing option C, deleting it from your author's page. If it weren't for experimental pieces, your writing would be dry and dead. It is this type of just-sit-down-and-write stories that add life to an author's repertoire.
I really like the opening bit in italics. I like the way it's written; it sounds very poetic. Though I have no idea how it will pertain to the story.
I actually really liked your opening, even though you did little more than explain and describe your main character. What made this different than the other stories that do that is you did it in a very distinct way. I knew right away that this is what you wanted to do because it was important to the story, not just for me to get to know the character before the plot happens. When I was reading it, I felt like I was transported to another world, a different time, where people sit around campfires and tell legends orally. You became a storyteller in this first bit, and that's why it read so easily.
I love the short, simple sentences you use. You put words together in a very interesting way, that makes for a thought-provoking read. For example: She had committed the ultimate act of foolishness when she was only sixteen years of age. This sentence, though simple, told me everything I needed to know. Thank you for not going overboard and explaining what you mean. I love when authors trust their audience. It builds a good relationship between the writer and the reader. This is another example: As she made her way to the bedroom that she shared, her eleven-year old sister Henrietta pushed past her, followed by the third sister, thirteen-year old Felicity. Bam. The whole family situation. Right there. Done. That's a very good idea.
Also here: When she found herself round with child, she knew that her life was over. This sentence is very politically incorrect and that's what I like about it. An author who is willing and ready to take risks deserves praise and recognition.
I find it very interesting that before Charlotte went to plead her case with Mr. Crane, she almost discarded her baby. It's little things like this that tell me you are indeed a brilliant writer who thinks about everything before making a keystroke.
There are so many interesting phrases here that if I took the time to rack them all up, this review box would explode. Just know that I notice every one of them, and your hard work is not going unnoticed.
Your comment about making your own characters go OOC hits me first here: "It was nothing, sir," she mumbled. I know what you were trying to do, but it read pretentious, which I can't see Charlotte being. But you immediately brought her back with this: "I know it is not an advanced potion and will not do much good in the long run-" Don't worry too much about your characters going OOC. If a character doesn't grow or change within a story, the character is flat.
I think this is a brilliant piece. I'm in awe. The story is wonderful in itself, but made better by your writing and the way you told it. I understand your concern about cramming a lot into a one-shot, but I disagree with you on this one. I think this came out beautifully and everything worked well. Remember when I said it felt like I was being told a story orally around a campfire? I think if you chopped this up into a short story, it would lose that feel. I don't think this story would be better off told in parts. Imagine that for a second, while I am. You're sitting around a campfire with all your friends, being told a brilliant story, and then right at the climax, the teller says, "Okay, I'm done for the night." While it would be easy to get readers to come back for later chapters, being rocked out of this atmosphere would do bad things for the effect on readers.
You went in-depth enough so that I knew what was going on and I understood them. I wanted to read about these people because you created them as full, well-rounded people right away. I think a writer should avoid going too far into a character because it doesn't give any room for the reader to have fun with their imagination. Again, you proved through your characters that you trust your readers to understand what is going on, without spoon-feeding us everything.
I wouldn't change a thing, except for the apostrophe in "sisters" in this sentence: My sister's do not have the desire that I do to learn.
Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^
.:.Ilia.:.Author's Response: I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to respond to this, but I wanted to make sure that I gave an adequate response. I wasn't ever planning to delete it- just to ignore it and pretend it never happened. This is definitely the most experimental (to steal your word) thing I've ever written, so I wasn't sure what to think about it at all.
Wonderful! That was the iea! It's also really difficult for me to pull myself out of the present day for writing, so I found that it helped me to write that semi-transitional paragraph. I'mit really glad that you appreciate my conciseness. I've never been someone who was able to drag things out, and that was always a big problem with my English teachers. I'm glad you found it helpful to the story!
Haha! I'm glad that you noticed Charlotte's big fault. She is rather selfish but in a innocently human way. She's very young, and she doesn't have the greatest maternal instinct, so she's thinks almost nothing of dumping her baby to pursue her dreams. She loves him, but he's a big burden.
I really can not thank you enough for this review! I was so afraid of how this was going to received. Normally, I'm just like, "Eh, whatever." But I actually did some research with this one, so I wanted it to be appreciated, y'know? Thank you for such a wonderful review, Ilia, really! Report Review
Umm... OK. I was thinking this was a charming little piece of fluff (I forgot about the bit at the top)... Great ending - quite bizarre, but very well done. I think. My head's a bit twisted by it actually.Author's Response: Ehh, I was afraid that I'd gone over the edge with this one. Oh, well. Can't get 'em all right. Thanks for the review, though! :) Report Review
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