Reading Reviews for The Boy Who Disappeared
  
8 Reviews Found

Review #1, by TheDirigiblePlum Puddles

17th September 2009:
:) Naughty Teddy!

That little Muggle boy was very cute. :D I had to laugh at him and also feel sorry for him as Teddy teased him, but he got his frisbee back so I guess all's well that ends well. :D

Very cute, I loved reading it!

Author's Response: XD Thank you! This idea came to me when I was on a long car ride on a rainy day, and I just thought it would make a cute little one-shot. Thank you so much! I appreciate your reviews ^_^

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Review #2, by DracoFerret11 Puddles

8th August 2009:
Well then! Hi, it's DarkRose from the forums.

Sorry I took an eon to review...

Anyway: awesomely written. I love your descriptions.

Great characterization.

It's a nice fluff piece. Though it doesn't appear to have an "intense" plot, it's fun and cute.

It's nice to see the Next-Gen characters as kids.

I thought the ending was interesting, especially since it's inexplicable...

Good job!

--DracoFerret11/DarkRose

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm really glad you liked this. It's certainly one of my lighter ones. This one was kind of a transition story for me, from writing my original to getting back to fanfic. Actually, the explanation is that on the way down the slide, Teddy turned into water so that he would blend in with the existing puddle at the bottom of the slide. Thank you so much!

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Review #3, by Akabara Puddles

5th August 2009:
omg, at first I thought Teddy was gonna do something bad...but no worries! whew! lol nice work!

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you liked it ^_^

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Review #4, by eightfourseven Puddles

2nd August 2009:
Right off the bat, I'm excited to start reading this. I'm not going to say that you made me excited to read Next Generation because it's technically pre-NG, but you've made me excited to read a fic about Teddy. Congratulations!

The first paragraph is a little choppy for me. It almost works because it's a story about kids, but I wish it had just a little bit more flow. You're talking about "puddles" and "pockets", which are plural, but then you switch to "it" and I felt like it should have been "they". Or you could have said "one puddle was...", etc. You also did a little bit of telling, instead of showing. I like writing children because of all the showing you can do, particularly with cranky children. Instead of telling us that Liam was displeased with the puddles on the swings and at the bottom of the slide, show us! You get a little bit of that with the third paragraph, but I wish that you had pushed it farther and gotten rid of the sentence about him being displeased, replacing it with one about tears welling up in his eyes or something. And when you talk about Meg's "kind voice", I feel like you're forcing that on the reader. The way she talks to Liam doesn't work for me. I'd rather see something like, "Hey, Liam, look at the Frisbee! Let's give it a toss. It's fun! You love throwing Frisbees, Liam, remember?" People talk down to kids and I don't mean it in a negative way. It's just that someone might say "Let's throw the Frisbee" to their friend. It's more believable that he'd give in if she talked down to him a little bit.

I like how he tried not to have fun. My mom was telling me a story yesterday about how, when I was mad at her in my younger years, I'd refuse to eat dinner. And then I'd come downstairs an hour or two later, crying about my hunger. Kids always do stuff like that. When you suddenly add Teddy in, it's a little abrupt. I'd like some more subtlety, I think. "A boy was standing off to the side and as Meg walked away, he got ever so sad. Frisbee was a game for two and it was a game that shouldn't be interrupted. After a few moments, the boy could hardly stand the sadness of the whole thing anymore. Something had to be done and so, he walked up to Liam. 'Hi. Wanna play?'" Or something like that? And then a couple lines later, people find out that he's Teddy and it's almost a lightbulb moment for them. By saying "It was truly a sad sight for Teddy", you're assuming that the reader already knows Teddy and has been introduced to Teddy.

You start telling again when Liam is confused. Show that he's confused! Don't tell us that he was "initially confused". There are so many ways to show a child's confusion. I love how Teddy just disappears. And how Meg doesn't believe him. It's perfect. It reminds me of another fic on here, I think, but I can't remember the name. Anyway, I like it. However - how does Teddy do this? I don't read many NG fics, so I'm not up-to-date with Teddy's magical powers. As far as I knew, wizards couldn't just disappear and appear at will. There's apparation (wow, that must be spelled wrong), but that requires a crack and the wizard being of-age, which Teddy is not. And invisibility cloaks, but wait. Teddy is the puddle? Ah, I think I need to get caught up with the NG kids.

Overall, this was cute. It's really refreshing to read a story about kids instead of a story about the horny teenagers of Hogwarts. You did a good job portraying the fact that they were kids. It was believable that they were young. Thanks for the read!

Author's Response: Thank you! I love writing Teddy so I hope you enjoy reading him.

I'm glad you caught that choppiness because it was intentional. I felt like I was writing a children's story and it just felt right to be choppy there.

As far as showing rather than telling goes, I was going with that children's story vibe, which told me to keep sentences simple. I see your point about adults talking down to children, but I don't think I went to either extreme with my phrase.

XD Yes, we've all done something like that as children.

I know Teddy's entrance was abrupt, but I pictured it like this: you see Meg and Liam throwing the Frisbee. Then the camera pans out and focuses on the foreground, and you see the bright Frisbee being thrown in the background. In the foreground is Teddy, staring through the fence. I can't exactly write movie directions in my story, so that was the next best thing.

Excuse me, but I'm going to be a bit defensive here. I don't think it's right that you have taken the liberty to sort of rewrite what I have written. I'm open to suggestions but please respect my work. Thank you.

Teddy is a metamorphmagus, which means he can change his body into nearly any other form. On the way down the slide, he transformed into a puddle of water, to blend in with the existing one at the bottom of the slide.

Thank you. I'm glad you liked this story. =) I really appreciate your review.


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Review #5, by long_live_luna_bellatrix Puddles

2nd August 2009:
Wow! More than anything else, I like how you took the idea of Metamorphmagus-ing to another level. Of course I have pondered exactly the extent of Teddy and Tonks' powers, but never really explored the possibility that they could be more than human.

Once again, your story idea was fascinating. It raises the questions about the powers of Metamorphamgus (Metamorphmagi?) and just the power of wizards over Muggles in general. It was a good way to portray all that, and I enjoyed this. I promise you, no matter how much you may disagree, your absence did not diminish your imagination and skill. This may not have been as dark as you usually write, but I liked it all the same. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Author's Response: Thank you so much! This review has made me so happy. It has totally restored my confidence - I was really down in the dumps about my skill, but this review just brought me back up. Thank you so much! I really appreciate your kindness ♥

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Review #6, by Jazzeh Turnip Puddles

1st August 2009:
Teddy really reminds me of Puck from A Midsummer Nights Dream in this fic (which is good; Puck has always been my favourite Shakespeare character.)

I never really read something where a magic character plays tricks on muggle characters so this is pretty unique to me. I like how the thought of magic being real and Teddy using it to "dissapear" doesn't seem to cross Liam's mind. Completely oblivious, as muggles should be!

This is very adorable... Not pointless, like you asked in your request xD. If this is pointless, then every other peice of writing in the history of all fiction writing is pointless. And it MUST be interesting if it managed to hold my attention from start to finish, though that may be because the way you write things is interesting. It might not be down to the plot... I don't know :D Either way, I enjoyed it.

There's not really much else I can say on it, considering there's no mistakes and how well it's written.

If you have anything else you want me to review, feel free to throw it at me. I really do love the way you write your fics. 10/10

Author's Response: I haven't read that, but Shakespeare is a pretty prominent figure so I'll take that as a massive compliment. XD

Thank you! I'm glad you liked the way I wrote this. The idea came to me during a car ride on a rainy day.

Thank you so much. It makes me feel so good to hear that my writing makes it interesting. That is something I am very proud of. =)

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your review. I might take you up on that offer later =P


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Review #7, by hplover_15 Puddles

1st August 2009:
Teddy is sooo smart, love the story.

Author's Response: Thank you!

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Review #8, by Tinkerbell01 Puddles

1st August 2009:
ILIA! xD

I find your asking me for a review for this little one-shot, very ironic. I was in the Off Topic section on the forums and noticed you had a new story, so I thought I'd check it out!

So. Down to business. This was very cute and fluffy! The pranking hasn't died, that's for sure! ;) Your storyline is very cute and it's exactly how I pictured Teddy. I loved the reaction with Liam and his discovering Teddy's "disappearance".

It's very well written. You have just enough description to keep us in-tune as to what's going on.

Not much to say on this little one-shot. It's perfect as is, dear! ^_^

Oh, when are you going to update Purgatory? ;)

*Alicia

Author's Response: ALICIA!

That's so funny XD Well, thank you for reviewing ^_^

I'm glad to know that my description was enough. Description is my downfall, I think. Thank you =)

As for Purgatory, I'm sorry to say I think it's going to die. If you'd like, you can PM me and I'll tell you how it will end. I simply don't have the drive or time to finish writing it.

Thanks again!


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