Your OC Elektra is the perfect match for Severus so far! That can be quite a feat, so good on you! That said, I have two words for this story so far; Flipping. Brilliant. Report Review
Well, what a place to stop! I hope you do continue the story-you haven't updated for several months (but then again I havent updated for several years...man am I behind!)
As for the story, it reads well. As a writer, you pay good attention to detail and write conversation (including its sarcasm & cheekiness) pretty well. Your occasional metaphor or simile is usually unusual and thus, a treat (i.e. no cliches there). The grammar and spelling is also really good: you proofread your work really well--something that is often missing in hpff (myself included there--everytime I post a new fic it seems it still has at least one syntax error left to fix!)
However, the plotline seems to be lagging. While I understand this is a romance fic, there needs to be more than just their friends not liking them. I have a feeling you may plan on bringing that more in with the whole Death Eaters thing, but for now, the plot seems to be dragging and plodding and disappearing. Do you have a story planned? Outlined, I mean? Climax and all? Because at the moment, the characters aren't really fighting anything: where's the conflict?
Lastly, the characters themselves. Snape at times seems out of character--especially with his softness and his quickness after Chapter 2 to come out of his shell. However, this is not bad: he is your own version of Snape and very much incharacter in most respects. I personally like him this way and think you've done a fine job.
Elektra, I like less. But that's more personal opinion than criticism. You've done a good job developing her: from the flighty teeneager to the maturing, nurturing young woman seen in chapter 8. Now just give her a good conflict to overcome and you'll have a fantastic story!
And I hope I haven't discouraged you or anything, because I would really like to see this fic continued. I hope you get back to it soon! Report Review
Minor altercation and now it's spring right? So what are they going to do come summer...? When Severus will be out of school but Elektra will have seventh year left? Report Review
And I thought they moved fast in the last chapter! I love you's in only a few weeks >< Sounds like they're Hogwarts Sweethearts, alright. Anyway, 2 more chapters left, then I'll leave an actually indepth review: right now, I'd rather finish the story! Report Review
Well, that was sudden. But hey, that's how high school sweetearts (or Hogwarts sweethearts, I guess) are. not much to say, still enjoying the story and your style of writing, so onto Chapter 6! Report Review
Nice twist with Remus escaping and all. So maybe Elektra will rub off on me some. Even if she's love-struck, she's only 16, so that's not unusual, nor are her moodswings. I just have to remember that! Anyway, good story, but I hope there's more action in future chapters (I like fluff, but action or something is nice too) Report Review
Ok so I like Elektra more in this chapter. In the previous chapter, she seemed a bit bipolar and shallow. Here, well I still don't entirely like her: very pompous and self-confident, but still better than,say, her friends! And this sounded more like the Severus I know--especially with Lily mentioning his dark sides! Now to see if you kept up the good work in Chapter 4! Report Review
Oh the maturities of 17 year old boys. Still hard to believe Elektra read most te library--she must be a super-fast reader because I always imagined that place to be as big as a university's library.
Anyway. I like this story so far, even though I think Snape is pretty fluffy so far. As for Elektra...my decision on her hasn't been made yet. Guess I'll just have to keep reading! Report Review
Interesting name choice; but hey she lives in the world of Harry Potter where no one has common names but Potter himself (and his father). I love literary allusions, so the bit on Shakespeare and his Venus and Adonis makes me smile. Good writing, even if Elektra's conversation is a bit formal (but hey some people talk that way). Reading Chapter 2 to see where you're taking this! Report Review
loving this story, cant wait to find out what happens next. keep up the good work!! xx Report Review
This story is great! I really love it! Keep writing.Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I'm glad you like the story. Report Review
Auh yes to be a teenager again! Curious to find out how taking the realtionship 'to the next level' will affect these two. Report Review
So sad this chapter was so short. I asume it is a segway of some kind.. greenhouse #5. Gotta alove a bad boy they always turn us good girls bad. Report Review
this is good, I can't wait to see what happens with these two. I think this is probably how Severus would be acting if another girl would have caught his eye.Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing. I'm glad you like it and it's believable. Report Review
I love Regulus in this chapter! Brilliant work! Keep up with it! Report Review
Nice installment! I like the way you've begun to progress their feelings and starting to let the 'adult' feelings start to mix in with their relationship. Just one a note, it'd make for easier reading if you spaced out the talking bits. Report Review
Ah. Snow. fun times, fun times. My class went on camp and actually made a 1.5+ m tall snowman! It was really heavy though. XD Love where this is going, keep up the good work!Author's Response: thanks for reviewing. I like the story about the snowman. we rarely get that much snow in my part of England. I'd be lucky to make a snow gnome! :P but I know through relatives that scotland would definately have enough snow to make an entire snow-faculty if the students so wished. Report Review
love the interaction between Elektra and Sev. and I heart his silky voice. Be careful when progressing their relationship though. If you want Sev to keep in-character, take it slow because he comes across as the guy who opens up slowly. But this Sev's yours so I'd like to see where you take it. Great work so far; keep it up! Report Review
ooo. I like! Elektra's an interesting name. I only point it out because I just read it XD The ending was very weird... anyways, before my mouth (or rather hands) run off into another dimension of thought I really like where this is going, my favourite bit was were Sev commented on her going from "the Dark Arts you have progressed to dirty poetry?" LOL I just finished a term of Romeo and Juliet... yes it was dirty and hilarious, but so shallow... I thought I was going to kill myself. Romeo was very pathetic... Back to original topic, I love this chapter and I can't wait to see where you'll take it next!Author's Response: Thanks for the review, I'm glad you liked it. this was the first fanfic I ever wrote. I do have another story also but I had to delete it as it didn't pass HPFF's terms :(
but more of this tale to come soon! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection