I just started reading your story and admit it's intriguing, though a bit confusing at this point.
I was surprised to read some German in this chapter and it wasn't even half bad like the translations in foreign languages tend to be in most fan fictions I read so far. Despite that there are still some inconsistencies. You write "Haben Sie einen Vorbehalt?", though it should say "Haben Sie eine Reservierung/Vorbestellung?" (either works just fine). The reply should be "Fuer Kaiser" rather than "Unter Kaiser". The rest is fine, but you may want to change the sentences mentioned above.
I really look forward to the rest of you story. Report Review
Its been a year since you updated this story, I was really looking forward to you updating but it doesn't seem that you are going to, I hope you haven't given up totally. Report Review
As an introduction, I have to say that even though it doesn't fit the usual canon, I like this. Maybe that's why. You're not beating the usual storylines over the head. I like different stuff. You can only read the same thing over and over so much. You say that it's pre-Hogwarts, which explains it.
I was looking for some description of Belle. Not a flowery description, but perhaps it isn't needed at the moment. Your Voldemort enterance is done really well. It's creepy. The waddling boss is a nice image. The graphic should draw people in. Well done as an introduction. Mention a few important things about how Belle and Oscar look (useless that's not neccessary) and you'll be fine. I probably can't do this al in one spill.
Re-request if you want another review. I hope this helps.
Respond to the review and return the favour,
7/10Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad you like it. I'm personally terrified of the usual storylines because I know I'd kill them, so I'm doing something completely different instead!
I see what you mean about the descriptions. I think I've fallen into a pattern, because I'm noticing that I hardly ever describe anything anymore. So thank you! I'll work that in!
Thank you very much for the review again. It was very helpful! I appreciate it a lot.
Ali Report Review
For some reason I really like this part:
I am beginning to grow as frustrated as he seems to be. He is ignoring me, which he isnít supposed to be doing. He is supposed to be as excited to see me as I am to see him. He is not supposed to have harsh words and biting eyes that are already ripping chunks of my skin away.
It's probably because the way you've worded it makes it so relatable. The 'biting eyes that are already ripping chunks of my skin away'- brilliant.
Emory's description and characterizatiion's so effective! It's easy to picture him, even without the chapter image, and you've managed to create an incredbily intriguing character.Author's Response: Aww! That's so sweet of you! I may have said this before in another response, but I'm really focusing on playing with words for this story and experimenting with new things and images and the like, so it's really, really great that you're able to recognise those things. Thank you so much!
And I can't take complete credit for Emory. He actually belongs to my best best best best friend Nellie. We've been RPing Mirabelle and Emory together for quite some time now, and I love the dynamic between them so much, so I decided to make a fic out of it. I was really nervous because I was afraid I'd completely butcher him, but I seem to be doing all right with him so far! He's really quite amusing to write.
Thanks again so so so much! I'm really glad you like it! Report Review
This is really good. Like the even-though-I'm-not-sure-where-this-story-is-headed-and-it's-only-the-first-chapter-I've-favourited-it good. (That's pretty good)
I really like Mirabelle! I don't like Oscar, though that was probably your intention. Anyway this chapter ended with a cliffhanger and I really want to find out who this mysterious man is! Dun dun duun.Author's Response: Hahahahahah, thats great! What a creative kind of good. :D And yes, it was very much my intention to have everyone hate Oscar. Though...I'm starting to like him more.
Thank you so much for your review! It honestly boosts my confidence so much and it really actually does make my day. I PROMISE.
-Ali Report Review
oh my dear ali. what will i do with you? the little notes were perfect. mirabelle's gave me a good giggle for sure. ah i love this chapter. i would have loved to see a bit more of dinner banter, but i guess i'll just need to wait until next time. i am thoroughly disappointed that my FAVOURITE character was hardly in this chapter, however, and that my most loathed character played such a large role. AND SHE DOESN'T LOVE HIM! TELL HER TO STOP SAYING THAT! she's not allowed even think anything like that.
i much prefer tinkers when she's hating on oscar. makes for much better reading, not to mention my ego doesn't get quite so bruised. hahahhahahaha. i can't wait til the next chapter, please don't leave it to long, and we've got to make a thread out of this asap. in fact, i'll go write it up right now. RIGHT NOW! :)
i love you so much!Author's Response: Hahah, I much prefer her when she's hating Oscar, too! Hate is god.
Thanks so much for this lovely review because it made me laugh and smile, and i love you! Report Review
Me again, I ADORE this chapter, not only that, but I also absolutely adore the name Drabbleblatt. How creative! I just think it's a brilliant story!Author's Response: Thank you missy! Drabbleblatt was really fun to come up with. Hope you like the next few chapters! Report Review
This is the most AMAZING and STUNNING chapter I have read. I swear, I cannot wait to see the next! GOOD LUCK OSCAR!Author's Response: Haha, thanks JANET. I can see you, you know!
Yes, good luck Oscar. Merlin knows he'll need it. Report Review
oh i love your story! your writing style is beautiful! your banner is also very beautiful! do you think you could make me one? i can send you the details! please i would appreciate it very much! great characters by the way!Author's Response: Aww, thanks! I've been working a lot on style lately, so it's reassuring to know that it shows through.
I don't know if I can make you one myself, but you can go to TDA and request one there. There are plenty of great artists, and they're all really nice!
Thanks again! Report Review
I absolutely adore this "a frown smothered across his face the way jam is smeared on bread"
You have a lovely use of words, and I love your banner/chapter image. What's your TDA name... I'm assuming you're on TDA ;]
Update soon, this is lovely, I want to learn more about Emory.Author's Response: Aww, thank you! I like playing around with words. And I'm also SweetSorrow on TDA. :D
And so so so so so sorry this response is so late! i've been awfully busy for the past few months... Report Review
Oh my, this is wonderful =]
Onto the next chapter then, love Mirabelle so far, and poor naive Oscar...Author's Response: thank you! i've been working a lot on character development, so i'm glad she's turning out okay! Report Review
your talent is extraordinary. i can't wait to see what you come up with next. your character is so believable and everything about this story is just fantastic. absolutely fantastic.Author's Response: Gaah! You're so nice! I know I keep saying this, but that made me feel so happy and elated and wooonderful! I really appreciate your review. THANK YOU SO MUCH! Report Review
wow, this story is spectacular! 10/10
you're one of the best writers on this website. you've got a real talent.Author's Response: Awww, you really think so? Gosh, that's so wonderful of you! Thank you so much! You made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. :D Report Review
omfg ali how are you such a good writer? every word gits beautifully and you write in such a poetic way... it's so beautiful. and i'd love to write something longer like i promise but my literature teacher just came down and was like "are you coming to class?"
NO i wasn't planning to! damn it. hahahaha. but now i have to.
anyway, so many bits in this made me laugh and smile and i had a really strong sense of deja vu at a few stages. i LOVE the way you write. it's so beautiful. you just need to be more sure of yourself, ali! you're really quite amazing.
ily!Author's Response: HAHAHAHA Nellie! You just made me laugh. And smile. SUUUPER big. I LOOOVE YOUU! I can't tell you how good that makes me feel. *tacklesinsupersquishhug* Report Review
Brilliant! I really, really like the chapter. It's just... too amazing for words. It seems very, very real. And it's very refreshing to have a story that isn't focussed entirely on the trio or the marauders or the next generation kids from the epilogue. I can't wait until you update! Keep being fabulous. It shouldn't be too hard. :PAuthor's Response: Aww thank you Lizzy dear! I always used to write trio fanfics, and they never turned out very good...so I figured I'd try something new! I'm glad it seems to be working...Thaaank you so much! Report Review
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