I was enjoying it! Have you really given up on this story? There's more to Rowena's relationship to Salazar, isn't there? ^.^ Report Review
Hey there. Dropping by again! I must say that I am surprised with this chapter. I didn't expect you to introduce most of the Founders so quickly. I thought you were going to wait until Godric was at the camp and then they would meet. No? That's okay, because this chapter was really good.
Oh, and by the way, what I meant when I said that it seemed modern wasn't the way I spoke. I was Shakespearean language, but it would have been absolutely dreadful if you did! Nah, I'm talking about historically. You have to bear in mind that this is a very old time...the Middle Ages. Back then, people never picked up after themselves (or atleast the muggles didn't) and conditions really weren't sanitary. The printing press wasn't invented yet, so the possibility of Godric having a flier to this camp isn't really plausable. Unless someone handwrote it, but that would take a lot of work and I doubt they would do that.
Anyways, on the characterisation, I say that you are doing an incredible job. I really like Godric...he's humble but not a total wimp. Obviously brave =]]
Salazar was very interesting. He reminded me of Draco Malfoy in some respects, which I found entertaining. Um...I totally see the Slytherin in him. I foresee a great friendship between him and Gryffindor. Here's a little CC (Sorry!): Since this was a backwards time for most people, it would be great for him to be conservative, which most Slytherins are. Make him more controlling and snakelike (please not a Voldemort though! We don't need another one of those!). Maybe racist? Just a thought, since...well...most blokes during that time period were. I don't think Godric is though, because he respects his mum a lot. NOTE: Is he really that upset being wealthy? Men like that are pigs, and no, that wasn't a stereotype. Just look at history and you will see what I am talking about.
Helga Hufflepuff was another Luna...so vibrant and random. I think that she and Godric are perfect for each other! And she's a half-blood? How interesting. As I was saying, she was a very distinct character and I have nothing bad to say. Keep up the good work!
Immaturity coming in: Whenever I read the word Chastity, I laughed because it reminds me of a stripper name. That was an...er...fun fact. Disregard please.
I'm not sure what to think of Ravenclaw yet, but from the end of the chapter, you leave me in suspense. I seriously want to read more!
Here are a few tips to improve your writing:
-I notice that you like using parenthesis a lot. I do too, but you don't want them too much in your writing. It's like YOU are speaking to the reader instead of the characters. You know what I'm saying? It's just a tad bit unrealistic
-Know when to separate dialogue and actions. EX:
ďI always said the best thing about that place was the food,Ē he said, sweeping her up into a one-armed hug. This time she really did turn red. He didnít notice. ďIím glad we can be friends now, at least. Some of this nobility stuff really gets on my nerves at times, yíknow?Ē
ďI always said the best thing about that place was the food,Ē he said, sweeping her up into a one-armed hug. This time she really did turn red. He didnít notice.
ďIím glad we can be friends now, at least. Some of this nobility stuff really gets on my nerves at times, yíknow?"
What will Rowena Ravenclaw be like? Will Godric and Helga be TOGETHER? Will Slytherin change his ways? These are just some of the many questions I have!Author's Response: thank you once again for the lovely long review. I'm afraid the other founders refused to wait any longer than this... luckily, it doesn't seem to matter.
I'm afraid I'm standing my ground on the history thing. It's not a historical novel, it's a fantasy/comedy, and I don't really want people focusing on the sanitation or the printing press. Besides, wizards could have magically duplicated it even if muggles didn't.
well, godric's my favourite, and he's the most fun to write. Salazar is a bit of a puzzle, because I want the readers to like him now, even though they now he's going to storm off later in his life. In a later chapter he flirts a bit with helga, and then gets annoyed with himself because she's only a maid...
Yeah, Chastity is my other favourite character, though I don't think any stripper with that name would be particularly successful...
thanks for the grammar points as well - I will definitely look into those. I knew I was overusing parenthesise, but didn't want to leave the points out...
anyway, thanks for the lovely review, and I will probably re-request at some point in the future, and hopefully I will change your mind about founders fics.
Bonjour! I'm here with your review!
First off, I have to tell you something. I don't do Founder fics. Don't do them. They are so bland and boring and so lifeless I can't stand them. Thank god yours was funny.
So what I got out of this so far is that Godric is going on a Queste, which is pretty much a summer retreat? Interesting concept and I can't wait to find out what happens (but I think it will be something along the lines of him meeting the other Founders). I'm not too sure about his character, because for him to be in his twenties, he acts like a baby. Maybe mature him...a bit? I don't want you to turn him into Incredible Hulk Gryffindor, just for him to stop whining like a little kid (unless you did this intentionally).
POV was good. I didn't really expect you to change it "he went to the room..." to "I went to the room" or anything like that, but it's nice to put it out there. Positive criticism, ya know. While I'm at it, your tenses are good too.
I think the highlight of this chapter was the end. It leaves me with so many questions to work with. For instance, what is so important about this queste? How will this influence his future as one of the Founders of Hogwarts? Where are all of the Wizard-Haters? Will he find a true love (I'm romantic).
The only thing I have true criticism for is the way you display them. Before you think anything bad, it's not the description. The description was fine, although I felt it needed a little more. It's the historical side of things. You make it seem too modern. If you just tone it down, it will be fine.
And one of the grammar errors I noticed while reading:
"Meet some knew people"
Should be..."Meet some new people". And the lengthy paragraphs you wrote could be easily cut up. Space out the dialogue a little so the paragraphs aren't too bulky.
I certainly had fun reading! I'll get the next chapter as soon as I can!
Constants.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the brilliant review. I'm quite flattered that you still read it, even though you don't like founders fics.
yes he does meet the other founders... and they have all sorts of wonderful adventures, most of which I have planned out :S There will definitely be a dragon involved.
Thanks for the positive criticism :D I really can't read poorly written stories, so I wouldn't expect anyone else to do the same...
Ah, the modern thing. This is the problem. Because if it's too historical (thee's and thou's etc - which isn't historically accurate but sounds like it is) then it loses a lot of the humour. So it was actually a concious decision - but once they get to actually fighting and things it will probably dissipate (is that the word)
Thanks for the error note, I'll make sure to get it when I go through and do editing - but it will be a little while, because chapter 4 needs a lot of work
Thanks you so much :) Report Review
rightyoh back for your second chapter! So three of the four have been met by name, and I am assuming the fourth is the certain lady that Salazar is eyeing off?
I found it humourous that they are all a little bored about the whole proceedings and the banter between Salazar and GOdric was genuinley funny.
It was sweet to see that Godric was eager to make friends with Helga even considering her heriatage. I wonder if Salazar was just as eager?
good chapter, feel free to re-request if you want!Author's Response: sorry, it deleted my response.
I'm really glad you find it funny - some people find my sense of humour a little... odd. There's stuff about salazar in the next chapter or two, but I didn't want him bitter or evil just yet...
Thank you so much :) Report Review
lilausty here with your review!
Good start to a story, it was interesting, had a little bit of humour and gives the promise of being exciting later on, everything that is needed to capture a reader's attention.
I liked Gryffindor's personality a lot. Usually they make him out to be some macho man, an early day superman, but without any actual personality. Here however, you have given him feelings and emotions and actions to complement them. Well done!
Interesting that you said his mother was on the Pendragon side. I am assuming that you are re-writing the legend? after all, Arthur was an only child, that was the whole point of the 'sword in the stone' business. Uther didn't have any other child except by Igraine. Anyway, not important, just thought I'd point that out :p
well done on an interesting first chapter!Author's Response: Thank you so much. I'm glad you like the beginning, and Gryffindor. He's my favourite of all my founders, hence why I started with him.
And um, yes I guess I am rewriting the legend. I do know a lot about the story, I just didn't really think about it in that context. Besides, the muggle version may have been very different from the wizarding version... Report Review
Hello! Itís Rose_Weasley123 with your requested review. I must admit I havenít read many Founders Era stories, so Iíll try to do the best I can. Also, feel free to request another review when I have slots open.
Okay, Iíll do CC first. I think the major thing you need to focus on is description. You used a lot of dialogue, and I think fleshing it out with more description would balance this out. Spend a little more time on the first scene of this chapter as it felt a little rushed.
There were many things you did well though. I really like the characters, and they seem mostly in canon (I think Salazar might be a little more haughty). They have a really nice group dynamic, and you wrote their relationships well.
The dialogue, especially in the second part, was amusing to read. It seemed quite naturalistic. The only thing with the dialogue is Salazarís speech about him and Rowena. Try and break it up, with description or other characters talking. Itís a large chunk to read all at once.
The plot flowed well, although work on showing as well as telling. It just improves the flow more.
On the whole, I enjoyed this. I think you could improve it a little more with work though.
-BeccaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much first of all. This chapter was a lot harder to write than the first three, but I just wanted to get it out. I wanted Salazar's haughtiness to come in later on, when he was more under the influence of his parents.
Yeah, I really don't like the way that speech turned out, but again, I just wanted to churn in out, and wasn't sure how to break it up. I like your suggestions for how to do that, though.
Once more, thank you for all your positive comments, and your constructive criticism. I shall certainly take what you said into account, for future chapters a well; though it may take a little while, as I just signed up for Nano is a fit of insanity. Report Review
Well, this is hilarious! :) The language is a bit modern... but I don't think it really matters, as long as you keep emphasizing the humor of it all. That makes it seem more like a Monty-Python-And-The-Holy-Grail-Esque story. Which just makes it that much better, because Monty Python and The Holy Grail is HILARIOUS. :)
Please update soon!Author's Response: thank you so much :) I'm so glad you find it funny. The decision to make the language modern was deliberate, as I thought it would make the humour flow better. I love monty python - although i haven't ripped anything from the deliberately so far... next chapter should be up fairly soon Report Review
sooo funny :)
this is the first founders fic i have read and i must say it is far better than i thought it would be :)
good job, i like it :)
haha at godric!!!
"Alright" he said, straightening up reluctantly and stowing his wand inside his jacket. "But when the twig starts beating you to death, don't come crying to me!"
ps. Please update soon :)Author's Response: thank you so much for this wonderful review. I'm really glad you liked it - and that it won your approval.
yes, I rather like that line too. chapter 4 is still being written, but will hopefully be on the way soon. :) Report Review
All the characters are very well written. I love the way you introduced them to one another. The story line is very interesting and I can't wait to see where you take it. It flows nicely and keeps readers interested.Author's Response: thank you once more. I'm glad you like the characters, i just felt we know so little about the founders that there is a lot of potential. I forgot to say, the decision to make the style modern was a deliberate one, because I felt it would detract from the story if I was always studying for a more archaic phrasing. I'm also really happy you think it flows - as some people felt the changing in point of view was a little difficult to follow. next chapter should be up soon, hopefully :) Report Review
It's a very well thought out story, and has great flow with a nice sense of humor tossed in. There isn't much to say about it because it's not very long but I would try and make sure the language fits with that of the time. I really like it though.Author's Response: thank you for the lovely review :)
The chapters are starting to get a little longer, and hopefully stuff will actually start happening soon... Report Review
I still found the writing style amusing, but the humor was on the heavy side during the first part of this chapter. I do so enjoy the way you make practically every simple description funny. Still, any heavier on the humor, and I might start to roll my eyes and tune out.
I am not a big fan of the way you switched POVs during this chapter. You had Nathaniel, Godric, and Salazar each take a spell as the primary observer, if that makes sense. (There's probably a literary term for what you did, but I'm afraid I don't know it.) I'm not certain what the scene with Nathaniel added to the story, unless Nathaniel will be important in the future. The scene did little to reveal additional information about Godric. I realize you used Salazar to indirectly reveal Rowena, but that's a lot of switching POVs in one short chapter. I perceived the effect as slightly choppy.
Ah, the fateful meeting. The moment Godric said he noticed some other young people, I knew it would occur. I think it's funny how there are a few random young people on this tour, while the rest are all middle-aged plump women and harried husbands! No wonder the youngsters prefer to stick together!Author's Response: ah, see this is what I was worried about. I'm going to try and keep it under control, because I hate stories that are meant to be funny but just sound forced. The first few chapters are more introductory, but once the characters get to know each other there'll be a lot more action, and hopefully that will temper it a bit.
Your point about the POV's is really interesting, as I hadn't even considered it as a technique or a problem. That's an interesting point about the Nathanial scene - I think I was trying to show his tolerance to muggles, and his annoyance with nobility, but looking back on it, it is a bit pointless. I think I will probably keep switching between Salazar and Godric, in order to get different looks at the same thing, especially if they are in different places, but I will certainly bear in mind the need to keep it flowing. I think I'll leave Nathanial for the moment, in case he decides to be important, and then come back and get rid of him if not.
Well, I figured it had to happen sooner rather than later. There is a reason for the four of them being there - Rowena's and Salazar's is practically explained in the next chapter, and Godric's and Helga's will come later, as they have a bit more depth to them, but it certainly isn't random design, though it does give them a reason to stick together.
thank you so much once more for this review, it's been really helpful, and I will probably ask for your input on later chapters (presuming you haven't been annoyed off by then). thanks again :) Report Review
You asked about your writing style in your request: whether I find it funny or annoying. So far, I find it funny. I kept cracking up during this chapter. However, I have to say I can understand why some people would find it annoying. I enjoy this style of humor myself (although I can't read it non-stop), but it's not everyone's cup of tea. It's easy to go overboard, which can be annoying. But so far, in this chapter, I definitely found the writing style amusing.
Were the scenes easy to visualize? Basically, yeah. They didn't pop out at me, but they weren't lackluster either. I didn't struggle to imagine things, but I didn't feel like it was pre-imagined either. I'd say your description (judging off less than 1000 words!) is good but not amazing. Storyline and characters: too early to tell yet. There's definitely potential, though.
At first I couldn't decide if it was annoying or not that you've put a definite modern flair into a Founders-era story. Depending on how the writer handles it, it often bugs me. However, I felt like it worked here. As I said, this storyline has definite potential. I can only imagine what sorts of disasters may occur on this adventure-pack tourist quest. Godric, no doubt, will be a deliciously witty narrator.Author's Response: thank you so much for this review. I'm glad you find it funny, but I am always concious that it's not to everyone's taste. I'm hoping that the fact that it comes in instalments will possibly tone that down a little.
I'm glad you think there's potential, I haven't quite decided exactly what's going to happen, (and this may explain some of the disjointedness in the next chapter), but I've got lots of plot points that are slowly coming together.
I know it's quite difficult to make a medieval story modern, but if I hadn't done it on purpose it would have happened accidently, so I'm really glad you felt it worked.
thank you so much for your input - onto chapter 2 Report Review
Oh - that's interesting. Keep going - I can't wait to see how these friendships develop!
PalomaAuthor's Response: i'm glad you find it interesting - the first few chapters won't have much action, because i'm sort of introducing you to the characters.
chapter 3 will be up when the queue opens... Report Review
This is really ambitious - I'm so impressed that it's your first story. Keep going!
PalomaAuthor's Response: thank you very much Report Review
Oooh, very interesting. I'm not sure if I reviewed the previous chapter (if I didn't, I'm sorry) but I liked that as well. So, at a guess, Salazar's parents are trying to set him up with someone? I hope it's Rowena. That is, I hope it's Rowena if they do end up together. If they don't, I hope he ends up with Rowena. But you probably guessed that already.
Please continue! I can hardly wait for the next chapter.Author's Response: thank you so much :) I'm glad you're enjoying it. Yes Salazar's parents are trying to set him up with Rowena, but it's a little more complicated than that... I haven't actually decided how everyone is going to pair off yet, so we'll both just have to wait and see. ;)
thanks again for the great review Report Review
very good! written well and its actually quite funny. please keep updating.Author's Response: thank you so much :) obviously I can't update till the queue opens but I will when it does :) Report Review
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