Oh, that was very interesting. Your story definitely explains why Moody was always so on the edge. What I didn't get is that he was already so suspicious before the battle. I think Rudolph's dead would have had a larger impact if he'd been more careless before.
In any case, you characterise Moody well, I could imagine him being like that. And not only that, but you also explain how he lost his leg.
I really like your story. Good job!Author's Response: I thought that Moddy was a naturally suspicious person. :) I'm glad you liked my story. Thank you so much for reviewing! :) Report Review
Excellent story!! Good job!!Author's Response: Thank you. :) Report Review
This story was really a mixed bag for me. I'll start with the things I loved. I loved your characterization of Moody. You presented him as clever, a bit vain about his abilities, and very paranoid, even at his young age. I loved the way that he interacted with his mentor and the way he sprang to action when needed, even against incredible odds.
I loved the detail of the actual duel itself. You didn't overdo or overexplain the action and the fight seemed believable based on the canon books. I also loved the coded letter; in a story I'm writing now, Harry's going to receive a coded letter from his chief, so I was interested in how you did it. My way's going to be different, but it will have some similiarities.
I also loved the aside about the Minister and the sticky fog. I love little details like this; they add background to a story.
My negatives. There are a lot of typos, spelling errors and strange grammar throughout. I would suggest getting a beta for spelling/grammar. I don't think you need a plot beta because your plot was fine. I only mention the errors because they were numerous enough to be distracting.
I found their dialogue to be a bit stilted. Use contractions more in your dialogue and it'll sound better. When writing dialogue, I often read it aloud to see if it sounds like conversation or if it's too formal sounding.
Since you specifically asked about the action. I found the duel itself to be great. I'm no expert in this, though, as I've only written one battle sequence myself. I thought your use of canon spells was interesting and made the battle seem real. I also enjoyed the way the Chief Auror planned the battle and divvied out the assignments. This seemed well-planned on your part.
The story's pacing is fine and it goes from gathering info to action seamlessly and smoothly. The ending was great and it shows a lot about Alastor's life in a way that makes us care about Alastor.
You also specifically asked about the plot. I think the plot is actually very good. It's well-thought out and the actions of the characters flow from their limited intel (knowledge of the DE's actions). I can totally see the Auror department operating this way (even though it's not my vision of how it works. We each have different ways of thinking and I like your vision).
So, overall, I enjoyed it. Your plot and characterizations were good and believable. The spelling errors and typos took away some of the enjoyment for me, as did the slightly strange dialogue at times. An enjoyable read of a canon character in his younger days.Author's Response: Thank you very much for your review. As in for the spelling errors I'm already getting a Beta, because I know my grammar isn't perfect - far from it - since English is not my first language.
You pointed out a thing I've never noticed: how dialogue sounds. I'll pay more attention to it in the editing of this story.
Thank you very much for your time. :] Report Review
You reviewed me so I thought I'd return the favour =]
That was a fantastic read, I'd always wondered about how he'd gotten all his injuries and I think your take was perfect
I liked the little touch with the note at the end and how that caused his 'constant vigilance'
It was really great =]
spam_up_sam xAuthor's Response: Thank you. :] Report Review
Wow! I just loved this! Great idea to write about Moody, as well - there are so few stories about him and he's such an interesting character. I really liked your characterisation too. I can imagine that he would be quite hard to get right (though having never attempted to write him I wouldn't actually know) but I thought you wrote him really well. Oh, and I really liked Rudolph, as well, but I can't believe he didn't make it! I kind of liked him so I hoped he'd be okay :(
To be honest, I don't really have any criticism, apart from that there were quite a few typos, so you might just want to read through it again a couple of times :)
Thanks for entering the challenge! I really enjoyed reading this. 9/10.Author's Response: Typos... ah. They will be the death of me!
-runs to get a BETA-
Thank you very much for your review. :] Report Review
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