Okay, so there are still a few typos, not major ones, just missing words like "He had to leave for a couple reasons," missing an 'of' between 'couple' and 'reasons'.
I'm a bit lost with the timing, because one seconds its half ten in the morning and he next it's getting dark outside...how come? If it's a whole day that went by, you could add in more details on what he did on it...what books he read and stuff.
When you said that Fenrir went to Remus' house to finish him off, wouldn't he not of known that Remus was at Hogwarts at the time and he would of most likely kill his father, as he bit Remus because Remus' father got on his bad side.
If Tonks' mother was disowned, I doubt she would be in the room when she was blasted off the tree, she would of been thrown out- probably wouldn't even shown her face to her family and went her own way.
James' character I can't see becoming nervous before a prank, probably Remus or Peter, but not James. But that's probably just me, it's totally your story.
The back flash was cute, but it kind of went by a bit quick, could you add more detail? Just because I love reading about the Marauders and all the pranks that they got up to during their school years.
It needs a bit more detail, so that the reader can get a better image of whats going on =]
Please come back to my thread whenever you update, I would love to read more. Report Review
So i'm back again. =]
When she is crying and she crumbles to the floor, you need to add in more detail because one minute she's pacing back and forth and then she crumbles to the ground, which I think is not what was attended.
Two little typos I've noticed, "realized" is the american spelling, the english spell it as "realise". Also, when a name ends with and 's' you don't put an 's' after the apostrophe, so it would be just written as 'Tonks' trunk'.
I think a metamorphagus can't change their appearance at all when they're distress, so she wouldn't be able to pull off looking like Molly.
There were a few missing words in this chapter, like here "returned to kitchen"- missing 'the' and little words throughout the chapter, but a reread will catch them.
Some of your sentences, by the way they're phrased seemed like they are missing parts- like here, "And Tonks knew that when her mother reverted back to the opinions of her childhood."- there should be something stringed to the end, something like "she got all depressed/withdrawn etc." Because you said 'knew that' in the sentence, you need to explain how she knew it. Get it?
Again, you started to rush at the end, where she came to see Molly. When she is talking write her actions, have her mumble or stutter with nerves about not knowing what to say as she had never done such a thing before or something.
Just go through the chapter again and slow the scenes down.
I really like this, Tonks and Remus were just made for one another. =)Author's Response: thanks again for the review. I thought that I had fixed a lot of those things so I will look at it again. Report Review
OMG! great story. i cant wait to read on!!!Author's Response: thank you for the review. Report Review
Sorry about the wait. I know you said only to review the two last ones, but I'd like to review all three =)
You have a bit of repetition in sentences, one to catch my attention was near the start, it said "Too bad that every time that she saw his..." you shouldn't really have the two 'thats' here, it slows down the sentence.
You should describe the scenes a bit more, like everyones clothes, facial expressions and actions when they're talking to one another. Like for example, when Snape is talking to her about not loving Remus and he says, "Why do you care, Nymphadora?" Snape snapped. He looked at the young woman. "No it will not be complete until tomorrow. This attraction you have will lead to nothing. A werewolf can't love anyone he doesn't want to harm. You're asking to be killed."- you could write something like "Why do you care, Nymhardora?" he asked, pulling his eyes from the piece of paper he had been looking at and up at the woman, "No it will not be complete until tomorrow," but Nymphadora wasn't looking directly at him, but at the retreating back of man, Snape sighed in annoyance, grabbing the young woman's attention "This attraction you have will lead to nothing," he said, jerking his head violently at the man's back "A werewolf can't love anyone he doesn't want to harm," and he watched as the woman's brow knotted together as his words sunk in "You're asking to be killed."
The part where Tonks and Remus say the same thing, I thought it was cute and then they both blushed, I just wanted to hug them.
I love the statement about Molly always being there with an opened ear, it's so totally in with her character.
You skip tenses at the last past, at the beginning it's in past than when the letter arrives it's in present.
Awe, Snape and the remark about not being in love. poor chap- nobody knew he loved Lily, imagine having to live with that? and knowing you can't tell anyone. That would be horrible.
Super sweet that she wanted to bring the potion to him, hehe.
It's really not a bad first chapter, just needs a look over for some typo mistakes.
I can't say much about the characters yet, but from what I get you wrote them really well. I feel sorry for poor Remus living in the middle of the woods by himself. =[Author's Response: Thank you for the review, you were so helpful. Report Review
this was certainly another wonderful chapter. your flow really does seem to work well for the plot and dialogue. the meeting between Remus and Tonks was done incredibly well if i must say so myself. the fact that they both drank a little too much seemed realistic because of the fact that they were chatting up and have a good time. nice work. sorry for the shorter review but i have nothing more to say other than what i touched up on in my previous review. your flow and characterizations are working well for this story and those two things appeared to be your main concerns according to your post on my thread. please do feel free to request again on my thread when you update. i would love to see where this story goes. nice work. keep up the amazing writing and have a lovely day.Author's Response: Thank you for the review. I'm glad I am starting to get on the right track. Report Review
i thought that this was a wonderful chapter. i have never really read all that much about Tonks in the past but i must admit that i am really liking what you have done with her so far. i love the worry and heartache that she felt when the full moon came along and the fact that she couldn't change back to her other hair color really did add a very nice and unexpected touch. i have never seen anything like that before so i definitely liked that a lot.
your characterization of Tonks seemed to be very well done and in order. as i mentioned before, i have never really read too many stories revolving around Tonks but even so i believe that you did a very nice job of making her character stand out in a way that it should for a story like this. she is of course the main character from what i can tell apart from Remus and so you should be making her character prominent and all but i thought that the way you went about it was very nice. it seems like her to go to Molly when she is in need of advice and so that was very in character as well.
your flow had no weaknesses- none at all. at no point did i notice you speeding up or slowing down and that always seems to be the main problems that authors experience when dealing with the overall flow of the story. honestly, flow is not something that i believe you have to worry too much about. you did a nice job with it in this chapter so i see no reason why you shouldn't be able to not pull it off believably in the next.
overall, i thought that you did an amazing job on this chapter. this plotline really seems to have great potential for later chapters and that i definitely a plus. great job on this.
onto the next chapter. Report Review
GAH! It's over already!?! Not that I'm saying that it was short or anything. On the contrary, the length was absolutely perfect! I was just SO immersed in the chapter I didn't even realize how long I had been reading for, lol! :)
This was SOOO GOOD!!! I love the chemistry between Remus and Tonks, I really do! And Lupin's memories from his marauder days were all great! OMGosh, purple hair on McGonagall?? Talk about brilliant!!! I could not stop laughing about that! You characterized ALL 4 of them very well in those flashback scenes, especially Peter! I really liked your idea as to why/how Peter got involved with the Marauders. You also did a great job portraying Moody there at the end as well! I could totally see him saying something like that to her, lol!
This one is now my favorite chapter as well! :) There were no mistakes as far as I could see, it was Absolutely Perfect!!! PLEASE Update this again soon ok? I can't wait to see what happens next! This story is Awesome!!! =)
10/10Author's Response: Thank you dear! It's so hard to think of those pranks, I tell you. But I am quite pleased with the purple hair. Report Review
I love the little flash back scenes :) They're very funny.
Remus' characterisation was great. Everything he says, does and wears fits his character perfectly. I'm surprised someone (other than JK!) could get him that spot on.
I love how their relationship is developing, too. It's happening slowlyyy, and they're actually getting to know each other first :D
This is my favourite chapter so far as well. If they're all going to get better and better I'll have to eagerly await each chapter appearing in my inbox! (which I TOTALLY don't do now... honest.)
9/10! And now I'm going to go off and be smug knowing that I'll get to read the next chapter before most people :)
P.S. Thank you for mentioning me! Author's Response: The next chapter is not good. I think I am going to have to trash it, and start again. So it might be a little bit. You are wonderful! Report Review
This is a great start! I love your characterization of Tonks. (This is my all-time favorite ship, and I'm glad you're telling this story. Thank you)
PalomaAuthor's Response: That's so sweet of you! Thanks! Report Review
Another great chapter! Wow, this is really good, I'm impressed!
You said to point out any grammatical errors, so here is one that I found in the 2nd paragraph:
"Alohomora," a woman's voice said quietly, "Tonks I know your in here, and I most say considering you are an Auror you really should place more safety measures on your door."
I think it should be:
"Alohomora," a woman's voice said quietly, "Tonks, I know your in here. And I must say, considering you are an Auror, you really should place more safety measures on your door."
You did mean 'must' instead of 'most' right? And the reason I put a period in there is because there would have been too many commas otherwise... I noticed that there were a few other spots that needed commas too, but it was nothing too distracting. :)
Ok, so now that I am done being all nit-picky... This story is brilliant, and Tonks is awesome! :) I loved the tension between her and her mom, and I also liked how she went back to Molly for advice, lol! One thing at the end confused me though... Tonks? In Slytherin? I thought she was in Hufflepuff! Yeah... I am pretty sure that Joe has definitely said that Tonks was in Hufflepuff... But that is just a minor detail I suppose. :)
I am officially hooked to this story now, lol! PLEASE Update again soon, ok?
9/10Author's Response: This one is getting revalidated with all the edits. I threw it on to get it posted. Yeah I have no idea why I wrote slytherin when she is in Hufflepuff. So I fixed that as well. And chapter three should go into the queue soon. I hope. I have like three challenges that have to somehow get into the queue as well. Report Review
Hi again, Antigone. :) I know you didn't request or ask for this review but I saw you added a new chapter and so I came to check it out. I found a couple of typos in this sentence- "Tonks I know your in here, and I most say considering you are an Auror you really should place more safety measures on your door."
The 'your' I believe would be 'you're' and the 'most' would be 'must'.
Molly certainly knows how to be blunt, doesn't she? Poor Tonks is having a hard enough time.
Now, this part I really got a giggle out of:
"Well we went to school together. He was a few years older, in the same year as my brothers. He actually shared a dorm with them and whatnot. But I wouldn't say that they were good friends. You remember what its like to have dorm-mates." Molly started her story. Tonks nodded, remembering her somewhat strange roommates. "Well I was in Hufflepuff, barely noticeable you know, when one winter I stayed at Hogwarts for Christmas. As you know not many people stay back and so I met this red-haired boy to become friends with. Well that's the short story. The one we have for the kids."
"Oh what's the real story Molly? Must be juicy if you have an edited version!" Tonks laughed, for what felt like the first time in ages. Molly turned red and looked away from Tonks. Tonks, who desired to stay in the fun mood turned her features so that Molly would be staring at a reflection of herself. Molly turned back and almost fell out of her chair.
Hehehe! They have versions of their story huh? :D
Oh my, Tonks and her mum really don't get along, do they? Well, I can't blame Tonks. I had to deal with prejudiced parents/grandparents that caused me years of trouble so I can totally relate to her!
Wow, I really enjoyed this chapter :) And I didn't know Tonks was a Slytherin!? I thought she was in Ravenclaw. Yikes, I've really never delved into Tonks' character before but perhaps I should.
Anyway, great chapter :) Look forward to reading more.
-TiffyAuthor's Response: This chapter is in the queue for revalidation. I had it beta'd. Tonks was in Hufflepuff, which I did know considering I'm a puff myself but I wrote slytherin. Dumb mistake. As the rest of the things you noted, they should go away soon as well.
And I know how you feel, I have an uncle who can be somewhat ignorant to other cultures. He drives me insane sometimes. Andromeda is a good mom, and loves her family. And you will see a little more of her in chapter 4.
Thanks for the review, and I hope you come back for more. Report Review
Hello! Oh, this is SO good! I really liked the opening paragraph. It really helped set the mood. I love Remus/Tonks and I was SO depressed when they died in the book :(
There were a few grammatical errors, like missing commas and such, here and there. But don't worry, it was nothing too distracting! :)
I think my favorite line was: "And unfortunately that darn Molly Weasley has a sixth sense for love. 'It's probably from having so many teenagers...' " I thought that was very funny! =D
I really liked the Oder meeting too! Everyone was written very well in character! And I think that this tied in VERY well with the books! The ending was so cute! I liked what she said about asking him out on a date, lol!
I'm gonna give this a 10! It's off to a great start so far! I really like it and I canít wait to read more!!! *Favorite!* =)Author's Response: Thanks for playing review tag! I'm glad you liked the story, and I hope you stayed tuned for chapter three, since I am really proud of it, and it should be the in queue soon! Report Review
Hi there, I thought I might return the favor. (o:
First, I've never read a Tonks/Lupin story, and don't often read about these characters or their peers. But it was nice to have a bit of a change. And to see things from another point of view.
I do have a few questions or concerns...
Dumbledore, in the OoTP meeting, mentions collecting Harry later because of the family pact which requires him to remain at Privet Drive. I was just curious, but do we have any evidence that the OoTP is aware of Dumbldedore's reasoning for sending Harry home every summer? It's quite possible, I just can't exactly remember now, or if I thought it was just one of those things the Order took on faith, to Trust Dumbledore...
And along those lines, I personally think it's very unlikely that Dumbledore mentioned to anyone his desire to collect memories about Voldemort. It didn't seem to me that any of the adults were aware of it at all. But I realize that fanfic authors can take liberties and interpret or change things. (o:
Another note - you did very well with writing mostly only in Tonk's POV. I enjoy Third Person Limited POV, myself. The only little glitch I saw was when Snape thought to himself, "if she only knew." If we're experiencing the story from Tonk's POV, we can't know what Snape is thinking. Instead, you can show it with his body language, which you actually did, simply by having Snape wince. Before I read Snape's thoughts, the wince told me enough. I knew what he was thinking.
I had to laugh at the line about Tonk successfully asking Lupin out. I don't know why it struck me as comical, but it was also very fitting for these characters. (o:
Lastly, you have a pretty nice ending, in that you leave us anticipating what will happen next - the "date."
Well, thanks for your review of mine. And good luck with this story!Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time of reading and reviewing for me.
With Dumbledore and OoTP, I took some creative license with that myself. Sure JKR doesn't say it, but that doesn't mean it did/didn't happen. We have nothing about meetings of the Order that took place when Harry wasn't around, so I feel that gives me the right to write it myself. Also I think that Dumbledore very well told the Order at least some of what he was up to. Of course I never said "I'm looking for memories to prove he has horcruxes." or anything like that, so I will take that also into creative license.
But I hadn't thought of the Snape thing. I will have to go in and change that because you are correct. But it does make me sad to lose that little Lily/Snape moment.
Thank you again for reviewing. Report Review
This was a pretty good chapter. I liked the way the characters interacted and how the scene was nice and smooth. It flowed well together and I'm personally interested in seeing what the next chapter holds. There were a couple of points where I think the tenses were out of place but you could still read them and they weren't in crucial places to confuse the reader. Although, I was sort of getting into the chapter so I may have overlooked something. When I review sometimes that happens. I usually like to pay more attention to the quality and the feel of the story first then go back and try to find areas needing correction. Of course I just looked and saw other people had commented on the grammar and punctuation, so I don't think I'll need to go back and do that lol. I would like to see how this story goes and wish you the best in writing it. I also read that you had been out of fanfiction writing for a few years. Welcome back and keep up the good work :)Author's Response: I'm a little concerned that you still faced some tense confusion, considering that I changed them into the correct forms on the 31st. I will have to take another look at them. Uh oh.
Thank you for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Hey! It's DarkRose from the forums!
First for some corrections, then for the review:
In your story summary: "intertwinned" should be "intertwined."
Second paragraph: "is" should be "was" everywhere, if you can avoid it, you shouldn't switch tenses.
day.í Thought Tonks: this should be- day,' thought Tonks
figure out what comes next: what WOULD COME next
Now the whole wizarding world will be looking to the Order for defense: will be= would be
most witches and wizards remember the Order from the first rise of the Dark Lord and are hoping to hear that there are people out there who are trying to keep them safe: "remember" should be "remembered" and "are" should be "were" in both cases
He like the rest of the Order members that were at the battle felt as if they should have been able to save Sirius. : "He, like the rest of the Order members that were at the battle, felt as if he should have been able to save Sirius."
You knew Sirius he would have done anything to protect Harry. And I know that he is probably glad that if he was going to die, it at least was saving him, not from : "You knew Sirius: he would've done anything to protect Harry. And I know that he's probably glad that he died saving him, not from" --it's less awkward this way
He couldnít sit still long enough it was a battle to keep him seated during the Sorting Hat song every year. : "He couldn't sit still long enough, it was a battle to keep him seated during the Sorting Hat song every year."
of the Voldemort's greatest secrets : take out the word "the"
Diagon Alley Gringotts : there's only ONE Gringott's
but I shall not be on the floor. : "but I won't be on the floor."
And I shall find it as a small vacation. : "And I'll find it like a small vacation."
It shall be heavenly. : "It'll be heavenly."
I shall come by tomorrow and pick it up and bring it to him myself. : "I'll come by tomorrow to pick it up and bring it to him myself."
Don't use the word "shall," it makes the sentences seem pompous and awkward... :/
her right arm has gone limp from : "has" should be "had"
Tonks regained her sense of balanced : "balanced" should be "balance"
Ok, review time!
Other than the mistakes above, you've got a good opening chapter! I like your characterization a lot.
The characters seem very believable.
The only issue you had was with Bill's speech patterns: using the word "shall" makes him seem a bit 18th century, so I'd refrain from that if I was you. :D
Great job though! Awesome descriptions.
--DracoFerret11/DarkRoseAuthor's Response: Yeah, in this chapter I was really not looking it over as I should have. I think I was just a little too excited to be writing again. So all of the changes have been made in the document on my computer, so when I am able to make changes I will do so. Thank you for all the help, although I shall miss the word shall. I have no idea why I use it, because I don't in everyday life. Maybe in my fantasy perfect life everyone talks like they are from the 18th century. Who knows? Report Review
The first thing that struck me with this is how you change between tenses, obviously without realising.
Here's an example of what I mean: "...most witches and wizards remember the Order from the first rise of the Dark Lord and are hoping to hear that there are people out there who are trying to keep them safe. Tonks filed into the dining room..." You go from using present to past within the space of a sentence and it doesn't make for smooth reading.
And you have a few comma's missing likere here: "He like the rest of the Order members that were at the battle felt as if they should have been able to save Sirius." There should be one comma after "He" and then another after "battle". There's a few more places like that, or where you've used commas in places where they aren't needed instead of where they are. I'm picky about my comma's ^_^
I can't say I particularly like cannon stories all that much but this is an okay one. Not one of the best simply because the speech always seems too ordered and exact, not flowing as speech should be, to try and get to the next part in the story line (and the comma's :P). For me, every character seemed to have the same "voice", if that makes sense. You didn't change the way they spoke from character to character. I reccommend hunting around for a beta to tighten up on all of that.
One thing I'll also point out is (of course, to do with comma's xD): ""...business between the Gringotts here and the Gringotts in Marisielle, France." Bill replied. "So I am off for a few weeks to do some business in France."" When you have that little "Bill replied" nestled in there like that, there's meant to be a comma before you close the speech marks, and then after replied(where you've put a full stop). Example: "We're off to Hogsmeade," said Ron, "You coming, Harry?"
I do quite like how you've added in other cannon characters like Dedalus Diggle and Hestia Jones. It's unusual to hear from them. It's sort of made me think that I'd like to hear of a story from one of their PoV.
And I adored this: "He was quite amused with the idea of bringing home a beautiful French wife." Haha. Simply because he does. It was genius to put that in there. I like the clever little things like that that you've managed to sneak in.
I also really like how you don't overkill on using "!", "?" and "..." (I'm guilty of the last on occasions). I read a fic the other day that was littered with "!" and it killed me. I took to speaking every part out loud with extra emphasis because there were so many "!". It's refreshing to see normal levels xD.
On a whole, I think if you tighten this up a bit and give the characters different "voices" then it'll be much better. I hope you don't mind that I've been as critical as I have, and I hope that it's been even slightly constructive. 7/10 for an okay start and feel free to post the link to this fic on my review thread again once the next chapter's up, that is, if you think I've helped any :).
And I apologise that this review is so long and so full of critisisms and me being a complete comma/general grammar Nazi. Report Review
Nice I like it so far its interesting!Author's Response: Thank you for my first review! Report Review
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