This was really good. (: I liked the second chapter more then the first, but I did really like the second. XD It's quite funny and... such.
Only one thing, I think Lily said she knew that Remus was named Moony because of his 'condition'. So... yeah. Maybe fix that?
I like this story a lot. xD And the last line was perfect, even if it didn't exactly fit. Report Review
Me again! I come with good news this time. I actually MUCH prefer this chapter. It immediatly felt less disjointed and more put-together. I love how there's more of a balance between dialog and narrative, it makes it easier to read. All in all, the flow is massively improved from the last chapter.
I actually grasped hold of the plot in this chapter, and I understood it. The last chapter you were perhaps trying too hard to fit funny things in with the speech that you missed out other important elements to the story that would help with the plot/flow, but this is definitely more well-rounded.
I liked the part where James destroyed Sirius's chess set and he just said "Oh well" that DID make me laugh. I also liked this:
"Remus snorted and corrected, "Wrong grammar, Padfoot. It's 'Moony and I', not 'Me and Moony'. You should get a beta for everything you say.""
I often find myself correcting people just as Remus did here. So... am I an IRL beta?!
There's still the issue with the punctuation, again it's mainly commas and using more than one "!" or "?" at the end of sentences. You haven't done that in this chapter as much as in the last though, so the characters seemed less over the top like I was saying before.
So, a vast improvement and I now feel as if my brain has been unscrambled from all the confusion of that last chapter. 7/10Author's Response: atleast now it's a better review. tnx for reviewing too. :| Report Review
Hi! It's me, from the forums. I'm so sorry this is late. I've been doing some serious procrastination. Sorry!
Firstly I'll be honest and say that I wasn't particularly taken with this fic. There are SOME good elements to it, but the bad far outweigh them.
One of the big peeves with this that I have is that it seems entirely random; as if you've just rambled your way through it and not put in an actual plot line. I have no idea what actually went on in this chapter apart from a lot of shouting. I understand that it's called "Nonsense Talk" and it's meant to be that but you can still have nonsense without leaving your readers completely bewildered as to what they just read.
The characterisation is, in general, good. The characters do seem a little over the top and flamboyant, but they swapped from one to another too quickly for me to actually pick out which was the one I have most concern with.
This is quite a few cliche's in it that usually wouldn't bother me but, because I don't know what's REALLY happening, the only things I really pick up on are the cliches.
Your writing is fairly good, and there were several punctuation errors (mainly missing commas that wouldn't annoy anyone but me). Your writing would seem a MILLION times better if this was a little more structured and, as I've said a lot before, less random and jumpy. Flow is the key :)
I apologise again that this review is so negative. I would say more on it but, as I said, I really didn't understand what was happening. 6/10Author's Response: can you get more negative? Report Review
Good chapter. I like how you use the different points of view. Make sure to watch your punctuation. You may want to get a beta to look over it for you before submitting. Other than that your story has a good start. What did you mean by pureblood Pinocchio? Not quite sure about that line although it sounds pretty funny! :)Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! I wasn't really sure if I had something wrong with my punctuation? And yes, I did get a beta just recently because, er, you see, I'm a BIT on the lazy side. The sad thing is, she's currently very busy. :D And pureblood Pinocchio was just a random funny thing which was added last minute. Report Review
This is Muinthil from to forum with your review! It's a good start to the story. Although, I am not quite sure what the plot is about but I am sure that will fall into place as the story continues. My only comment is your punctuation. You do not need more than one ending punctuation. For Instance, I noticed that you use ?!?! which is not needed. Also, check on your dialogue punctuation. For example:
“I’m bored.” Sirius said loudly. The period after bored should be a comma.
Other than that, everything else seems good!Author's Response: Yes, some people have been complaining about my multiple punctuations. I will try as possible to avoid that. And well, thanks for beta-ing that mistake! :D And thank you once again for R/R! :) Report Review
Ok, me again.
Well, great job! I really liked the plot and dialouge. Way to go. :D There's still the thing with capitalization and punctuation, but other than that, it was awesome. I liked Lily's Point of View. She's clever, isn't she? :] And loved the chess pieces! Awesome! The last line didn't make much sense, but it was good. :] Really like your progression. The title is fitting into each chapter very nicely. You're doing well. Oh, one more thing: didn't Lily say in the last chapter (when it was in her point of view) that she knew Remus was a werewolf? Maybe I'm crazy... Ok, good job!
--DracoFerret11/DarkRoseAuthor's Response: haha, yes I agree with you, she IS clever.. well, sort of. And yes of course, the chess pieces - my fave part! I loved it too (as I said)and the last line was, you know like a throw-away? =D I have been worrying if that pinochio thing was weird. and um, I'll have to read my chappie again for that last bit. And thanks for R/R!! Report Review
Hey there's it's the ever-slow DarkRose from the forums, just now getting around to reviewing...
You requested this a week ago, but homework prevents me from reviewing during the week... Ok, so here goes: I liked the opening chapter. The descriptions were really great. The one thing I wasn't very fond of was the multiple punctuations (two, three, FOUR exclamation points...) and the excessive use of CAPITAL letters instead of italics or bold, etc. But that's the only thing I can criticize. I liked your characterization. The Marauders and Lily are well written. :D Good job overall. On to chapter two...
--DracoFerret11/DarkRoseAuthor's Response: Hey there! thanks for reviewing my chappie! (well, because I requested you to? :D) I know Homework... I'm lucky I only had 1 for the week! and yes, sorry for the 'multiple punctuations' But you know, I'm sort of the crazy type like my sister, Brianna. er.. yes so, well then, thanks for the compliment :) (why am I going to thank an insult? I mean, not like you're insulting me, but you know...)
Haha, awesome chapter, Sen! You really did take this story seriously; I was thinking you would make it humor all the way. Anyway, I love it! James/Lily, Remus' problem, Sirius' humor... It makes me proud of being related to you. :)Author's Response: you're related to me?!?! haha, just kidding. yeah thanks for the wonderful, amazing review, sis! I have more stuff to do right now. byeee!! Report Review
great chapter.. i love how you have her find out about remus.. i'm really excited for the next chapter to see how they tell lily. great job i really like that you have the story in two different perspectives. great job.. i hope you rerequest when your next chapter is up. keep up the good work.
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: haha, thank you for reviewing! hope you read more! Report Review
i feel that this was a good chapter. i think you did a great job with remus's persective and then with lily's. nothing really struck me as needing to be fixed. good job on the chapter. keep up the good work.
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: really? thanks! I was really nervous on the outcome of you reader's reviews. I'm glad you like the chapter! =D tnx again! Report Review
Very interesting chapter it evolved really well and had great flow.The only suggestion is to add more details so the readers know exactly what is going on. Great chapter though.Author's Response: thank you for the compliment! I WILL try to write a little more specifically, and I hope you still read my story! I am currently halfway writing Chapter 3. Please be a little patient and then , "voila!" it's done! :) Report Review
I like that you started with Remus' POV, it made it interesting from the get go. It has great humor but you should try and add more depth and detail to it so that the readers feel more connected to each character. Also watch your transitions so that it flows a little better and so readers don't have to reread to understand. I really liked the beginning and I hope that you ask for more reviews when you have more chapters up so I can read more of this story.Author's Response: I'm glad you liked our start-off with Remus. I chose him because, well he is the.. let me say, the normal one? I can't describe, AND he is the last one to die. (be proud of it, moony!) I will try to do exactly what you suggested to me on doing and last of all, I thank you for reading this chapter! (bow)
awesomenessness write more babe its so cool i lov eit muchly ur a good writer keep up tha good workAuthor's Response: haha, thanks. and siriusly, if the queue doesn't shorten, My next chapter - sadly - will have to wait like, 3 weeks, but don't worry! More to come... soon Report Review
Hey friend!! I see you finally got a story up here, I'm so happy for you!! The story is great and the plot is really funny. I'm sad that you didn't credit me for beta... that's okay, anyway. =) Keep up the good work, my dear! =DAuthor's Response: I don't have a story, I have a chapter! and seriously, (siriusly) thanks for the review! Report Review
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