wow! that was so sweet =) i had little goosebumps reading the kiss.
im startign with my first fic at the moment - new gen of course, you can take the story anywhere you want - hopefull i can write it with as much fluency as you can. the words seem to come just so easily to you. effortless really.
if i have any criticism its that i really wanted to know what house scorpius was in because depending on that i would have altered his character to be a little more like then house personalities.
BUT after saying that i do love that no matter what house and everything else he is completely (and theres no other word to describe it) smitten by dom.
I absolutely adore scorpius
abi Report Review
Your first fan fic? Are you lying? Haha, You've got to be kidding me! This was sooo good. It seems as if you have grasped onto fan fiction quite well. You captured the Harry Potter characters like an old timer! Like the people who have been here forever.
I loved your descriptions, literally it created a movie in my mind that played out fluidly I could see and imagine everything that was happening. Good job there.
I did catch one little mistake. You said: "By the end of her explanation Dominique was chocking up, her words lost in sobs. "
You spelled choking wrong. It should be spelled: CHOKING. Not with the ck...
I think that was the only thing I caught that seemed a bit off. There might have been one or two other places where a comma was needed or something but I can't remember. I can be too paranoid about those things.
This is such a great story. Welcome to HPFF!Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review!
That's great that the words made a picture in your head, that's exactly what I was going for!! So I'm glad that it worked out well.
Ok, I'll definately correct that, thank you. I didn't even realize it. I'll re-read it and see where the commas seem to be missing, your probably right xDD
thank you again for the review, and I'll correct my mistake :) Report Review
For a first story, I must say, this is incredible. Not only was it amazingly written, you captured the Harry Potter characters as easily as veteran HPFF-ers do. Bravo!
The description in the first two paragraphs were wonderful, I really thought they added a nice touch. As for the characterization, there's really no right or wrong in Next Gen, so you did pretty well on it. I thought it was great that you mentioned how disappointed Draco would be in Scorpius, because I think that Draco's thoughts would have an impact on Scorpius's life. It flowed beautifully, there was nothing to worry about there. No grammar mistakes either! And I really liked the bird metaphor.
The only thing I didn't think fit, actually, was the line of Dominnique's "It'll be our little secret". I think the idea of the sentence was good, but the way it was phrased made it sound... seductive, or something similar. It certainly didn't make it seem she thought the kiss was nothing. I think if you said something like "This meeting should be a secret." and then give a reason for it, that would be better.
Bravo! This was really well written, and I'm still astounded it was your first fic.
~lllbAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing.
It is true, there is no right or wrong way to do the next generation, and I'm happy you mentioned that I did them pretty well, which made me happy. :) Realism is key of course.
I see what you mean with the "It'll be our little secret" the more I think it about it the more it does seem seductive in a way, thank you for the advice!
I'm glad you liked it
Again, thank you for reviewing! Report Review
Wow, your FIRST fanfic? Are you quite sure? Because as far as I'm concerened that was WAY too good for a firstie. Anyways, I thought it was the cutest thing! Your writing really made up the story and it was just a fun, enjoying one-shot that I can see anyone liking and relating too. That's how it should be as well. Relatable.
I love the characters you set. Scorpius seemed really good! I really admired how he didn't care what his dad would think of him with Dominique. He cared for her too much. I found that as the theme and true meaning of the story. Don't follow what other's think but go after what you want. He really cared for this girl and he was helpful to her. It was really good!
Ok, you asked for flow and characterization. Flow was fantastic I believe. I know I keep commenting on positive things and it may sound false, but I swear it's all true. Everything seemed so into place and the flow, in my opionion, couldn't have been better. It wasn't too short, wasn't too long and it took it's time and fell into place.
Characterization, as I've mentioned was very well done. Dominique seemed very cool and relatable and very true. As did Scorpius. No one really quite knows of his personality, but you deifnitly made it realistic!
Great job! Just great job! Thank you for requesting a review from me on the HPFF forums. I'm very glad I got the opportunity to read your first story and I'm definitly looking forward to more work from you in the near future! Thanks and well done!
Clair :DAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review! It's always great to recieve feedback.
I'm glad the characters are relatable, and aren't 2D or paper thin, that they're realistic. Developing true characters aren't as easy as some may think xDD
And I'm glad the flow was good, that was the main thing I was worried about, mainly because there was a 3 month gap from when i started it and when I finished, so that's great that it didn't seem to have any flowing problems.
Thank you so much for reviewing and giving feedback, feedback is always good. Report Review
Ooh nice story. Although I doubt it's the first Dom/Scorpious fanfic...I think I recall reading a one-shot like this one. You know, the bird imagery, unrequited love between Dom and Scopious and all. Seems kinda familiar... Anyways, nice work! :)Author's Response: Thank you for the review. I didn't claim that it was the first, just one of the first, only becasue I've dont recall reading another Dom/Scorpius.
Sorry if it sounds familiar, I haven't read another story with bird imagery, never intended for it to sound like another story. Report Review
That really was fantastic! And it was your first fan fic? Wow.
I loved the way you portrayed Scorpius as the vulnerable one for a change.
Excellent and you really should write more, 10/10, Charly :D xAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the review, I'm glad you liked it
Also, it seems like the females are usually the vulnerable ones in stories, so I'm glad it was a nice change. :) Report Review
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