Hello there! I'm here with your review as requested. :) first off I must apologize for the long wait.
But great opening chapter here. You're going at this Dramione in a very different way. I have never seen anything like this before on HpFF, and while there are many "wishing" stories, I'm curious as to how you will so this one.
Great job with this chapter. I thought the confrontation with Hermione and Draco was very well done and quite in character for the both of them. It was an instance that we could have very well seen in the series. However, then ince we entered Dracos thoughts, it was very different from what I had expected. Not bad! Not ba at all, just a very different take on Draco.
But I'm very curious to see how you go about this story. Everything thus far is very well done. Nice balance of thoughts, actions, descriptions, and dialogue.
My queue is currently quite backed up. I'm going to try to empty it and then hopefully be back for the next chapter. Thank you for requesting!
Drue Report Review
Hello again :-)
I like that you've given us a lot more information in this chapter. Filling in the gaps of his life is quite interesting and I like that he's translating a more canon Draco-like attitude into this alter-ego Draco to achieve his goals. I think the next step would be to develop the other characters more. Getting Draco out of the dormitory and interacting with his friends and Ginny could shed a lot more light on the story. It would be interesting to see how the professors treat him and how he managed to offend Hermione. This feels a bit rushed in terms of Draco's different relationships, so maybe pausing the romance side of this for a while and settling Draco into a new life would make it more realistic. In terms of future chapters, are you thinking there might be a way for Draco to return to his normal life? Draco treats Ginny like as much of an object as Michael did, and if you are planning on having her character in the story more you might want to have her act more serious and just be single for a while. This heartbreak for her could even lead to her relationship with Harry. There are so many options here! I know you asked in my thread for opinions about the continuation of the plot, and I say just take him out of the dormitory and show the rest of the Wizarding World from this point of view! Take it from there and have him inch his way back into Hermione's life. Good luck :-) Feel free to re-post if you have another chapter up!
~Lunnah Report Review
Wow that was quite a surprise...I can't believe he's dating Ginny. I like how he is as surprised by his choices as we are and I think it will be interesting to see the way the trio, etc all treat him when they see each other. I think the plot is developing well but it would be nice to include more in each chapter so that we could get to know the Draco character better and see more of his life.
I noticed a few grammatical/spelling errors but nothing major. The scene between Draco and Ginny is well written, but its hard to learn much about her character so far. Its interesting to think that everything about him could change in this other world but he still seems to be in love with Hermione. Developing his previous interactions with her through flashbacks or Draco's thoughts could help emphasize and demonstrate the intensity of his feelings for her instead of just having the character say he loves her.
It seems that this new Draco has been rejected by Hermione...or at least that's what I got from the fact that Ginny seems to know about his "past" love for Hermione. Anyway, I think there's a lot you could do with that and I'm moving on to the next chapter now :-D
~Lunnah Report Review
Hi! I'm back again :-)
This chapter delves a lot more into Draco's character and I think that makes for a lovely addition to the story! This is really unique and I like the idea of a sort of parallel universe he has entered into in order to try out his idea for another life. I'm really curious now to see what else is different in this world and who each of the people in that photograph was!
Draco does seem very quick to let go of everything from his former life, but as you have established his character this way I think it works. I can actually really imagine Draco wanting another chance at being happy at Hogwarts and not getting pulled into all of that chaos in the later books. I think its really interesting that you've chosen to explore his sensitive personality and I can't wait to see him interact with Hermione as this new person!
Great job leading up to his discovery and describing his experience coming into this new life! The chapter reads well, I just think you could add more to your chapters to make them more substantial. Can't wait to read on!
~Lunnah Report Review
Hi there!! Sorry to make you wait so long on these reviews...I was studying for an exam!
Dramione is such a fascinating ship and there is so much you can do with it! I think you've started this out really nicely and this chapter seems to function like a prologue to the rest of the story. I think the best way to make a ship like this work is to really take your time with it and fully establish your Draco character before you introduce the fact that he is in love with Hermione. The way you have this set up seems a bit rushed and I would like to know more about his life and your perception of his character before moving into the plot. I definitely like where you've picked up the storyline, I just think that having more information leading into it could make his feelings more believable.
I like the way you've formatted this with a lot of foreshadowing and potential for future chapters. This is definitely an original idea for a Dramione romance and I can't wait to see where you go with this! The first person makes this really personal and I like that you've challenged yourself to step right into this point of view. Adding even more of this thoughts and observations, even in a stream of consciousness way, would enrich his character even more.
Your writing style is very clear and flows well, which makes for a very effective narration! Good job!
~Lunnah Report Review
hello there. AditiDraco95 from the forums here with your review.
I can see the story unfolding well, though again it reads sort of abrupt and rushed. I like the plot, even though there is a slight cliche in there :P
All in all I think you're doing fine, just try to tone up the fic in the coming chapters, make it a bit more descriptive but with dialogues and proper scene settings.
Good job all in all.
P.S. Feel free to re-request. Report Review
Hello there. This is AditiDraco95 from the forums here with your review.
The plot seems good, Draco seems a tad bit OOC but maybe that is just because it needs to fit in to the plot. I like how you kicked off the story, a nice writing style.
However, the flow seems a bit rushed. it is overall woven together, but it seems slightly rushed. But maybe because this is the fist chapter. Include more scene and dialogue setting then it won't be so..abrupt.
There were a few grammatical/spelling mistakes, so make sure to run this through your beta (It is gryffindor not griffindor for example).
Overall it seems like a good story, just need some touches here and there. You can work it up in the later chapters.
AD Report Review
It's interesting to read his journal entry on his first meeting with Ginny when he's still in love with Hermione. He seemed genuinely interested in her during the camping trip but I wonder if he was just using her as a means to forget about Hermione. If Ginny was having second thoughts, how are they in a relationship now? I like that Draco is coming up with a plan to try and right everything - repair Michael and Ginny's relationship and make up for whatever wrongdoing he did to Hermione. Some spelling and grammatical errors again but nothing too bad. Aside from his confusion and whatnot, I still don't like his characterization for some reason. He just seems too...wimpy. I know that's not a great adjective but I can't think of another way to describe how I'm feeling about him.
What could possibly go wrong indeed. Good luck continuing with your fic. Report Review
Hm, intriguing that Ginny was his girlfriend! I realized you had Draco/Ginny as a pairing but I guess I wasn't expecting it like this. You write Draco's confusion at trying to transition between the life he's always known and know being a traitor like those he once made fun really well. It's hard to be thrown into a life that you have no idea about. It's good that he has the journal to look at for hints to how he's supposed to act. Still some spelling/grammatical errors. I really think a beta would be beneficial. They not only fix any errors but are great sounding boards if you're having trouble writing chapters and need someone to talk ideas out with. Report Review
So I'm kind of confused but I'm hoping that's part of the mystery? I recognize that he's now a Ravenclaw...but he's still a Malfoy, just...not Slytherin Malfoy? I guess my confusion mirrors his and we'll figure it out together. There were a few grammatical errors but nothing too huge. Maybe you should look into getting a beta to help clean things up a bit. Otherwise, it's interesting so far. Report Review
The first paragraph is well written in the way it connected the story to the title. The grammar is a bit iffy but as an intro, it's good.
As for the rest of the story, I don't feel as though it lives up to the potential of the first paragraph. It feels way too rushed, where all of a sudden Draco is obsessed with Hermione. To begin with maybe you should include more detail about how much they hated each other in the past, and their relationship's slow development (at least on Draco's part) to make it more realistic. It just seemed as though you wanted to skip right to the kiss.
Draco and Hermione strike me as very OOC. Draco is not lovey-dovey by nature, and the way he seems to obsess about Hermione seems forced. Also, why is Draco the most hated Slytherin student when you just mentioned Slytherin girls fell at his feet? He's pretty much the leader of his gang of Slytherins, is he not?
I understand that Draco would struggle with his emotions concerning Hermione but he wouldn't just throw all his Pureblood concerns aside and just kiss her like that; it just doesn't seem realistic to me.
The chapter in a whole as I mentioned before is very rushed, with Draco's internal monologue merely telling, rather than expressing, his feelings. I suggest perhaps fleshing out his memories, his feelings, because I couldn't understand really why he fancied Hermione so fast.
On a final note I suggest finding a beta reader at the forums because you have quite a few spelling and grammar errors.
Overall the premise seems interesting but the execution leaves something to desire. Report Review
Interesting start to a Dramione. Personally, I have a little trouble believing the characterization of Draco but it's not terrible and you try to stick as close to canon as possible, which is nice. I don't know, maybe it's just the way I read it in my head that it didn't really sound like Draco to me. I did, however, like this line: “this is where muggles-borns belonged, at my feet”. It was a perfect Draco line - but just a correction, it should be muggleborn and your period should be inside the quotation mark rather than out. :) Grifindor = Gryffindor. You also switch tenses at the end of the fic, not sure if that's intentional or not? Good start though. Report Review
Lol, to answer Draco's question everything could go wrong. Which means more drama for us readers :P It's kind of a win lose thing. For Dracp anyways. Lovd this!
Author's Response: :D Glad you liked it! I'll try and keep the drama coming, working on chapter 5 now! Report Review
raised male and female voiced - I do believe you mean 'voices' instead.
She mine Draco - She's mine.
'I love you Hermione, always have'" & determined to find out what had happened - forgot the periods.
end up dated her best friend? - 'dating' would make more sense here.
Other than those few minor grammar issues, this was nice. The interactions between this Draco and the old one are so different. I feel like he's going to struggle quite a bit with the change, as it seems like he still remembers the old life.
Ginger creature. Referring to Ginny as that just made me laugh.
What you have so far is a really great introduction. The chapters set up what's to be the main plot of the story, and characterize Draco true to canon but makes the situation believable.Author's Response: Once again, thank you so much for all the time and effort you have put into these reviews! I really do appreciate it and just to reassure you, I am noting down all these grammar problems and changing the hard copies for the next time I do an edit of all the chapters! Report Review
I like how you jumped right into the change here; even if I'm unsure of what actually happened. I feel like part of the plot must be figuring out how he got to be a 'Claw, so I'll just leave that to you (:
Draco's fear and curiosity are captured wonderfully here. I like how his changing of realities kept many things the same; he's still Draco, still a Malfoy, but would now be considered a blood traitor. It's a nice touch to have the memories of this new life flash through his mind, leaving him confused. It's bound to create some problems, as he now literally has no clue who he is.
Grammar/spelling wise, there were very few mistakes. Nothing that detracted from the reading, which is the most important thing. Again, it was a bit short in length, but that doesn't really matter if the chapter has the amount of plot and information that this does.Author's Response: I think that with the change, your right and most people aren't quite getting it (I've read a bit too many Sci-Fi's) I think when I go back and edit all the chapters I'll try and put a bit more of an explanation into it!
Also, I hadn't thought real deeply into the problems that not knowing your past could lead to, so I'm now thinking about that more and it's going to become a larger factor in the later chapters! Report Review
"this is where muggles-borns belonged, at my feet". - it should be muggleborn/muggle-born. And punctuation always goes inside the quotes.
Grifindor - Gryffindor.
There shouldn't be two people speaking in the same paragraph. You do it twice in this chapter. All of this is just technical grammar/spelling things and are easy to fix (:
Other than those, this was well written. A bit short in length, but it was full of character and information. The angle you've chosen to take in writing the Dramione makes it stand out. I feel like you do Draco justice to canon, while making it believable that he could fall for Hermione.Author's Response: Thank you very time for all the time and effort you have clearly put into this review. I'll note down all the errors you've pointed out and change the hard copy, but you should see the updated version soon. Really don't know what to do with the length problem though. Just seems like I get to about 1500 and can't get any further! :P Report Review
that was a total surprise :O i did not expect that to happen !Author's Response: And more surprises to come!! :) Report Review
Not bad so far. I'll def. keep an eye out for this story when you update.Author's Response: I'll keep my eye out for your response then! :) Report Review
That's still good, its really shortAuthor's Response: I'll work on the length of the next one then! Just for you :) Report Review
Aw, I wish it was true. So cuteAuthor's Response: Glad you liked it! Report Review
Omg, i just found this story and now that I've read it wish there was more. Can't wait for the next update:)
GriffindorHeadGurlAuthor's Response: There should be more soon! Working on the next chapter as we speak! Report Review
OHMYGOD ! the way you have written this is amaazing! i was totally breathtaken by it ! Keep it, and post heaps more fanfiction in this romantic genre :)Author's Response: Thank you very much!! I love it when people love my work! :P Report Review
I'm still here! Please continue! I'm curious to see how this world differs from the one we are more familiar with --and just what kind of life Draco's been living in this "new world". Also, who was the boy that Ginny was hugging?Author's Response: I'm so glad you're still reading and still loving the story! Report Review
love the story so far, cant wait to find out what happened to DracoAuthor's Response: Hope you enjoy the rest of the story, once I post it on! Report Review
continue or i will. lolAuthor's Response: lol!! Hope the next chapter is to your liking! Report Review
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