This is very good and quite beautiul. It's interesting that it's written in the second person. I especially love the twist about her not being able to speak, and you described her very well. I had a clear picture of her in my mind, looking out the window and slowly picking at the wood, of her giving him the lily. It was great!Author's Response: I tried a different approach writing in second person this time! I always imagined Ariana as being mute- I think the torture she endured might have done that to her. I'm glad the description was good- I've been trying to work on that! Thanks for your lovely review! :) Report Review
That was really good. A different sort of perspective.. it was sad..but i liked it.
would you mind leaving me a review as well?
take care!Author's Response: Thank you! I thought writing it this way would be better than just going along with what happened in the book..I always feel that Albus never really forgave himself for everything he did and maybe this angle would give him the chance to do that. And sure, I'll do that for you since you reviewed mine! :D Report Review
Oh, that was just wonderful! I thought the second person worked really well, and I also loved your characterisation of Albus - he can be really hard to get right, but I thought the way you wrote him was pretty much spot on. The ending was just lovely, to the point where I actually thought I might cry xD
9/10.Author's Response: Thank you so much! This is pretty much the only piece I've written in second person, so I'm happy that it worked out OK! I thought the ending might be a bit soppy but I don't mind that it made you feel a bit like crying- in a good way! Thanks for the rating too! Report Review
I totally have to commend you for writing in second-person. I'm a little too terrified to attempt it myself. You might want to go back and check, though, 'cuz there are a couple times when you slip out of it. There is also a consistency mistake when you mention a butterfly floating outside the window, even though it's the dead of winter. I would replace it with a snowflake, maybe. This was a really sweet story to read right before I go to bed, though. I think it's nice that you've show Dumbledore's many flaws, and your writing flows very nicely. Well done! :)Author's Response: Like I said, this is the first time I wrote in second person- not many people tend to do it, and I wanted to see the effect it gives to a story. Yeah I probably did mess up a bit with the tenses and everything...it gets kind of confusing writing in second person and everything! Thanks also for your suggestion about the snowflake! I'll keep that in mind when I write next time :) Thanks again! Report Review
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