This is brilliant. Absolutely. Please update soon, I think I'm in love. :)Author's Response: Thank you! =) I'm about halfway through the next chapter already and I'll be sure to update as soon as possible! Report Review
Hi there! It's me off the forums with your review, and I'm SO SORRY it took me this long.
The plot of this story is so intruiging so far! I am so excited abut reading the next chapter and absolutely love it. The first chapter was a perfect introduction to Scythe and set the scene perfectly, but now that the action has started, I can't tear myself away! I love how at the beginning, you were hinting that Sythe wasn't such a great pureblood, but at the end, it totally exploded that she was a blood traitor!
It's really cool seeing all the connections the people we know have with one another, and the attack-a-muggley-village idea was SO clever, I loved it! The whole pureblood social turned attacking band worked really well, because was like a metaphor for the whole way that Voldemort worked; I loved that.
Scythe is such an interesting character. She seemed so normal, but coping with quite a lot of situations at once, trying to balance her own views against Antonin's, whose were the only ones she could really go by. It was really intricate and detailed in her weighings of both arguments, and I loved the peak point in the story where she decided to just go for it and warn the village... it gives us a shot of what she might possibly be like, and how she will be punished for it.
Antonin is also a really interesting character. After the first chapter, we knew about him as a person, but in the second chapter, we could really see the horrible transformations he's gone through. Instead of barely keeping his pressures and troubles off his shoulders, it's all come crashing down, and he has become a sunken person: death, family, and duty weigh on him awfully.
I absolutely adore this story! Definite 10/10 :)
~TGKAuthor's Response: Thank you so much darling! I'm happy to see that you enjoyed TCFB so far! Big hugs! You seem to have seen exactly everything that I've meant for people to see. You have that eye for the fine details. =p
Thanks so much for this lovely review! I'll be sure to let you know when the next chapter is out! Report Review
Yay I get the first review for chapter 2! And apparently, it's good for my health. ^_^ First of all, brilliant chapter. I already feel attached to Scythe--she's amazingly brave (did the Sorting Hat ever consider her for Gryffindor? I wouldn't be surprised) and sticks up for her morals. I also rather like Lucius and Antonin in this chapter. While they are clearly on the wrong side, their attempt to protect Scythe makes them more sympathetic. I didn't like Narcissa at all--she seemed obnoxious truthfully--but there you go. I'm curious to see where the Regulus/OC thing goes--I see it's in the chapter summary, but Scythe seems very against it here. Will it be something she's forced into for appearances? Or will she discover that Regulus is different from the others? I can't wait to find out.
As for pacing, I don't think the chapter seemed too rushed. It WAS hurried and breathless, but that worked well for such an action-packed scene.
I also noticed a few grammatical issues, nothing major, but thought they were worth mentioning:
1. By "...curve his anger..." I think you might mean "curb."
2. Instead of "...sent a House elf’s way..." maybe "...sent a House elf on its way..."
3. This sentence is a bit awkward: "Though, back when Sirius Black wasn’t considered a ‘blood traitor’ it was Sirius she had tried to force with Sy, now that Sirius had been blasted from the family tapestry it was Regulus, an entire year younger than her. " Try "Back when Sirius Black wasn’t considered a ‘blood traitor’ it was Sirius she had tried to force with Sy, but now that Sirius had been blasted from the family tapestry, it was Regulus, even though he was an entire year younger than her."
4. In this sentence: "...thankfully, but she wasn’t in the clear yet" I think you might mean "unfortunately" or something like that rather than "thankfully?"
There were several other small typos and mistakes--do you have a beta? Might be worth checking on the forums to see if anyone is free.
looking forward to chapter 3!
xoxo wenderbenderAuthor's Response: Haha, horray for good health! :p Awe, I'm glad you've become attached to Sy, makes me happy! :] I don't know about the sorting hat, I may add it into a chapter later on. Lucius and Antonin were what I was worried about, Lucius the most because I'm typically dreadful at cannon characterizations. Narcissa.. I can try to make her less upity, but she's really meant to be that way because later on she's going to do something realyyy terrible because of how she is.
Just wait for Hogwarts to see Regulus and Scythe's interaction. =)
Thanks so much for the review! It means a lot to me! And I'll probably be on the forms for a beta very soon. haha
Thanks again darling! Report Review
Hey! Here's Ramona fromt eh forums with your review.
Well, this is, for sure, something I do not usually read. I think I have never read something about a Death Eater, excepting Snape though, but in the company of Lily, eventually the Marauders.
Still, I like it. Dolohov and the relationship between him and his sister, the attitude of Dolohov's father and the young Lucius... all these were very well captured.
I'd really like to see where this is leading. Make sure to re-request when the next chapter will be out. :d
~RamonaAuthor's Response: Death Eater fixs were something I had never thought I would like, or write for that matter. Then I got to reading a couple darker fics and it was done. haha Now I'm writing one. :p
I'm glad you like it, even though this isn't your type of fic! haha Glad you gave it a read dispite all that.
So thanks so much! I'll be sure to let you know when it's out! Should be any day now! Report Review
Yo wenderbender here with your requested review!
I love this story already! Okay, I had a soft spot for Slytherin fics to begin with, but I'm very intrigued by your characterization of Dolohov. He's an extremely under-appreciated character--I don't think I've ever read a fic about him--so I'm glad to see him getting some well-deserved attention!
You paint a dark picture of Dolohov's childhood with a very light touch. I liked that you started with Corliss' death so that the spousal/child abuse was referred to only in memories--great way to handle a difficult topic without breaking TOS. It was also a masterful way of foreshadowing Dolohov's cruelty later as a deatheater. It made me wonder a little whether you meant to suggest that Dolohov was naturally lacking in sympathy, or whether the circumstances of his childhood (read: abuse) had forced him into cruelty. I did think that Dolohov's self-examination was a little bit overly mature for a six-year-old, but then again six-year-olds don't usually have to endure those kind of experiences.
Despite his lack of sympathy, I rather like Dolohov--you do a wonderful job of showing the softer side of his character: his loyalty to and love for his little sister (Scythe? poor girl). I liked the introduction of Lucius too, though we don't know him very well yet. Same for Scythe--her character hasn't really had the time to develop, but I'm looking forward to meeting her in the next chapters. Similarly, I don't think I can comment on the plot yet--this chapter was clearly an introduction to the characters and their backgrounds, it doesn't seem like the main plot has taken off yet.
All in all, this was a great start. You already have an interesting cast of characters to play with in the following chapters, and this fic could go so many different directions. Your summary is tantalizing, as is the Regulus/OC ship...anyway, I'm adding this to my favorites, so no need to rerequest. I'll be back to read chapter 2 as soon as it's validated!
xoxo wenderbenderAuthor's Response: Ah, the Slyterin soft spot! I have it too. haha =) When I decided to go a head and write a Death Eater fic I thought back on what DE's that I have read about and settled on Antonin Dolohov, seeing as how there were none with him as one of the main characters.
I've gotten that Dolohov seems a bit too mature for a six year old. I was thinking about making him older at first but that wouldn't work with Scythe's age. So I was quite torn. Then I realized in a situation of abuse the child is typically forced to mature incredibly young. So I may have to go back and make him act a little more his age. =)
I tried to get the Death Eater feel of Dolohov whilst he was young, because a happy child isn't going to resort to becoming a part of an elite society of murderous fiends. (I.E. Scythe. haha) Lucius will be developed in later chapters, staying as close to his cannon character as I can. Scythe, well, she'll develop more as chapters go on. =)
Thanks so much for the thoughtful review! You're amazing! Hope to see you next chapter! Report Review
hey, tessae from the forums with your review, so sorry it's taken this long! life has been absolutely crazy recently!
anyway, this looks very interesting, I love minor/original characters when they are written well, and I think Antonin is. Not much to comment on storywise at this point, though I would like to point out that there are quite a few grammar/spelling errors, and several of the sentences are worded strangely. If you want to know what I saw, just PM me and I'd be glad to help! Other than that, great start to the story! Thanks for requesting!Author's Response: Hey! Sorry its been like a year! But I am replying! lol Anyways thanks so much for telling me about the grammer/spelling mistakes. :]
Sorry it has taken me so long to leave a review as requested. This was different and not what I expected in the least. I really don't know what to say to this bit. I suppose seeing as this is the introduction that more might help the story along. Best of luck with the writing, so far so good.Author's Response: Thanks, I'm sorry for not replying sooner. Almost a year, that's insane. Sorry about that. Anyways, thanks for your review! Report Review
I have never read a story with Antonin Dolohov as the main character before, so that is an interesting change for me. As for his characterization, I do think you got across that he's a bit cold or off somehow, that his family background isn't the happiest and stablest, and you've established him firmly in the Pureblood circle. One thing I did notice is that his speech as a six-year-old was rather advanced. It didn't always seem natural for a kid, no matter how snobby his parents may have been.
Obviously, this was an introductory chapter, so you chose to do a lot of explaining. However, at times I thought the flow was a little fast. You listed quite a few facts about Antonin, his family, his friendships, etc. For an introductory chapter, you can get away with that, but later in the story, if you keep the same style, it may become tedious.
Your grammar was fine overall, but I did notice a few typos. I usually do not note these things down as I go. However, here's one in the last line of dialogue: "With Scythe, how's is she?" It should be: "With Scythe. How is she?" There were a couple other places like that, but nothing another read-through probably couldn't catch.
Since it's so early in the story, commenting on plot is difficult, since it is difficult to tell exactly where you're going yet (as is normal), though your summary does give a general idea. The summary sounds interesting, though, and I believe you have some good material to work with. I don't know if this will fit into the story later on, but perhaps you will want to explore Corliss Dolohov's influence on young Antonin's psyche more in depth, as well as how that relates to Scythe's "betrayal" later, if it does.Author's Response: I'm glad this is interesting to you, it's a new idea for me as well, to follow a lesser known death eater, I wanted a challenge. :] I may go back and mess around with the speech a bit to make it more believable.
I'm glad you took the time to review this, and point out my mistake. :]
Thanks so much!
Alex Report Review
Hmm, very interesting start to the story. It's sad that Antonin would take pleasure in his father's death... but I understand that the circumstances and the lifestyle he grew up in weren't exactly pleasant. I like that he at least has a strong bond with his sister. It shows even the most evil people in the world love something too. I like how you foreshadow about Scythe going to Hogwarts. I bet she's gonna end up in Gryffindor!
It's sad that the Mother is dying... will they live with their aunt after that? The grammar is very good and this story has a lot of feeling and intensity to it. It is very intriguing.
Overall you did a great job. A good start to a story is very important and you managed to do that. I think Scythe is my favorite character by far. I hope next chapter it will explore each of the characters personalities a bit more. Sometimes I feel as if I don't know them enough as characters. Just a thought :) Anyway great job and update soon! Keep on writing!
JKRowlingFan22Author's Response: I do hope I pull off Antonin well, he's going to be hard to write later. And yes, I thought that Antonin needed to love something, that thing being his sister. It's going to play into later chapters when we follow him into his death eater experiance.
Thanks so much!!
Alex Report Review
i thought that you did an amazing job on this first chapter. i really love the idea that you have going for yourself with this. a story set around Antonin Dolohov seems to be a very promising idea and i have no doubt in my mind that you will be able to pull it off by the way that this first chapter looks to me.
the plot is the main part of every story and keeping that in mind, the center of what makes this story is starting out at a very nice level. i like what you have done so far and must confess that i am very excited to see what you come up with next. you have made it possible for so many different things to take place and therefore this story could go in practically any direction. that is always something that i like to see when starting out a story: knowing that you do not know what is going to take place next but constantly trying to figure it all out at the same time.
your characterization seems to be pretty well intact as well. this was only the very first chapter so it is sort of difficult to comment completely on your characters individually but so far i think that you are off to a great start. i see absolutely no reason why your characters should fall apart later on in the story seeing as they started out so strongly in this first chapter so hopefully that is a good sign for you. your dialogue appeared to really work with your plot and characterization as well so hopefully that is something that you are interested in hearing as well.
overall, i thought that this was a great introductory chapter. you did a wonderful job on beginning this story in a very realistic and believable manner and that i good to see. i would love it if you requested in my review thread again when you update so do feel free to do that as well. i would honestly love to see where this story goes so that would be quite helpful. nice job on this first chapter. good luck with your writing, dear.Author's Response: I looked around on HPFF for any stories having to do directly with Antonin Dolohov and I was shocked to see that there werent. So, naturally, I had to. lol Couldn't help it.
I try with the plot, this chapter came to me in an instant, though now I am having trouble with the second and third chapters. lol I'm glad you liked the start of this story. I hope I can hold the readers interest through out the whole thing.
I try to keep a firm foundation for my characters so I have something to go back to when I feel like they are straying. So thank you so much for your characterization comments. :]
I'm glad to hear that you liked this introductory chapter. The first chapter always has me worried. haha I will request for Chapter Two as soon as it gets out. Thanks so much!
Hi, I'm here with your review! :)
I think this is quite an interesting idea that you have here. I've never read nor seen a story about the Dolohovs on this site.
I liked your characterisation of Corliss. You did very well in getting his character across to the reader in the small amount of time he was alive.
That night the shrill cries of Corliss J. Dolohov were silenced. - I really liked that. So much more effective and interesting than just saying "He died later that night" or something like that.
I also liked your charcterisation of Lucius. You did well in portraying him as a realistic younger version of what he would become in later years :)
I think that this story has the potential to become very interesting. The way you are writing Antonin shows that he is a very promising character with a lot potential as long as you keep writing.
I think you did a good job with the chapter as a whole, really. It can be difficult to write first chapters because, like this one, they are mostly trying to get the reader up to speed on what is going on and who everybody is. And that can be didfficult to make interesting to read, but I think you pretty much achieved that. :)
So all in all, I liked it. :) It wasn't absolutely outstanding, but it was by no means bad either. You've got a good, solid starting point here, and I can't wait to see how you build on it. :)
JessicaAuthor's Response: Part of the reason I decided to write this was because I hadn\\\'t read anything about the Dolohov\\\'s at all, so I decided it would be a nice change.
I\\\'m glad you liked the characterization of Corliss, I was worried that not enough about him had come accross in the little time he was alive.
Lucius was worriesome for me, I thought I had gotten him all wrong. :]
I\\\'m hoping I can make this more interesting as it goes along and make it \\\'absolutly outstanding\\\' because that is what I aim for. :]
I\\\'m glad you liked it! Thank your for your thoughts! :]
Alex Report Review
I have to say this is a good, original start to a fic. The beginning was so chilling, but got me very interested in Antonin and his family. Good work there.
One thing I have a problem with is Scythe's middle name. I'm fine with and even like the first name given the explanation, but the middle name seems rather masculine and non-pureblood-ish when combined with the first name, especially since it's left unexplained. I also wish that the curse that killed Corliss had been elaborated on. I found two grammar mistakes, but another reviewer has already pointed out one. As for the other,
“With Scythe, how’s is she?” Antonin asked,
Since how's is a contraction for how is, both are not needed. It would be best to either remove the 's or the is, probably the former.
I also would like clarification on the age difference between Antonin and Scythe. Antonin is six before Scythe is born, but only in fourth year when she is ten. That doesn't quite add up to me, unless it has something to do with the way their birthdays fall.
Still, this is written well and the characterizations are rather good and interesting. I very much am looking forward to where you go with this, and I hope you request again in the future. Good job!Author's Response: I am glad that you like the start to this fic and am relieved to hear that the chilling start was interesting.
As for Scythe\\\'s middle name, I will have to look into it, I hadn\\\'t really thought about that aspect of her too much, I admit. I only focused on her first name, thinking that perhaps it was a little Mary-Sue. Thank you for pointing that out. The punctuation mistake as well.
The age difference is something I messed up on, Antonin was supposed to be getting out of fifth year. I will fix that as well. :]
I\\\'m happy to hear you think this is well written and the characterizations are interesting. I will request in the future when you have open slots. :]
Thanks so much for your help and your compliments.
Alex Report Review
This is a very good beginning. Update soon!Author's Response: Thank you! I\\\'m glad you liked it, I will try to update as quickly as possible. :]
Alex Report Review
Wow, great start! I love the idea of this, and I also like Antonin's characterisation so far. Brilliant first chapter, and I can't wait for the next one!Author's Response: I\\\'m glad you like Anotnin\\\'s characterization, I wanted to make him a little different from the other death eaters, though you\\\'ll see more about him later, :].
Thanks so much!
Alex Report Review
ooo. good story idea. This is very well written; although this line has a spelling error “Mum, let me it!” Antonin screamed, beating at the door, demanding he be let in to see his newborn sibling. " and i've only really pointed it out because it deters from the whole reading experience. Once again, brilliant story and I can't wait to read further developments!Author's Response: Thanks for pointing that out, I\\\'m getting a beta, lol. :] I\\\'ll be fixing that shortly. I am really glad you like the idea. I will try to update as quickly as possible.
Thanks so much!
Alex Report Review
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