Hey, Leslie from TGS here to review. I really liked this first chapter. It definitely grabbed my attention from the very beginning and I'm interested in reading more. You've done a great job with building the suspense and mystery in this first chapter for the rest of the story plot line. As for grammar and spelling, it all looked fine to me; I didn't find any obvious mistakes that stuck out at me while I was reading. And the whole flow of this chapter was excellently paced with description and dialogue between James and Lily. Let me know when you update. 10/10Author's Response: Thank you. I was kinda worried whether or not the chapter helped build up the suspense and mystery for the rest of the story. And I\\\'m glad it grabbed your attention, and I will let you know when I update. I\\\'m almost finished chapter two, which I think is gonna be much longer than this one. I\\\'ve only hand written out the first draft and I am not even finished and it\\\'s already longer than chapter one. Report Review
8/10 Fantastic start! I love this idea. I can see that if you keep developing your skills, you could become a very good writer! Keep up the good workAuthor's Response: Thanks, well hopefully this story will force all my good ideas onto the page. I actually wrote this first chapter over a year ago and have only recently posted it up. I think it was the scariness of how I was gonna continue the story, but I have some ideas and hopefully they will come out alright when I write the rest of it. Report Review
i thought that you did an amazing job on this first chapter. you definitely have a really original plot going for you here. i love when i pick up a story and am immediately interested in what is provided for me. some stories you can start right up while others distract you to no end. this one is definitely one that i was amazed by.
your grammar was honestly something that i found no issues with. most of the time i can notice at least one error but that was not the case here. not to say that there are no issues and all but the chances of overlooking something while reading are not very big.
the same goes with your spelling. i really did not notice anything blaring and so that is some good news. i think that you have a pretty firm start so far and if you keep working hard you should have no problems.
overall, i thought that this was a wonderful start to a story. this definitely has a ton of potential and i am excited to see where things begin to pick up. feel free to request again when you update. nice job on this. good luck with your writing, dear.Author's Response: Thank you. I\'m glad you think I\'ve got an original plot going on. The trick is to keep it that way and not let cliches creep up on me. I just hope I can make the next chapter as interesting.Bites nails.
Anyhoo, I\\\'m glad the spelling and grammar wasn\\\'t an issue in this, I get too paranoid that I\\\'ve done it wrong.
I\\\'m really enjoying writing this story, but it\\\'s hard. I\\\'ve never written anything like this before. Report Review
I likkeee! Keep writing! Very good storyline!Author's Response: Thank you! I am working on chapter two at the mo, so it should be posted soon. Report Review
Well, this is certainly an intriguing start, and certainly an original concept. Your characterizations are believable but different from the norm. James's infidelity surprised me even though I suspected it from the moment it said he had been out drinking, if that makes sense. Still, you handled it well and it is believable. It explains why Lily would doubt James now.
This was written well. I only found one grammar mistake.
James whipped his head up. He hadn’t been expecting that to be the first thing out Lily’s mouth. “Of course I know what happened,” he snapped. I went there. I saw the… the…”
You're missing the opening quotation mark between 'snapped.' and 'I'.
The only question I have is regarding the Leightons - thirty members seems a bit much. I realize you were including extended family, but it still seems large to me, especially with the Wizarding World.
I definitely want to read more of this. It's very, very interesting and good, and I'm putting it on my faves to keep up with it.Author's Response: Wow, thank you for the really quick review.
Regarding the characterisations, I always wanted to write a story where James and Lily split up cause there are so many stories of them getting together and then being happy together. I thought what if.? And this is how this was born.
Damn, I did go over this before posting it, but I suppose one grammar mistake isn\\\'t too bad.
And with the Leightons, I suppose it could be a family reunion and they all get killed at the same time. Like in The Punisher. If you think about it like that it could work. Hmm, maybe I\\\'ll edit the number down. I dunno.
Anyway thanks for your review, it was helpful. And I\\\'m glad you\\\'ve put it on your favourites. I\\\'m working on chapter two at the moment, so it should be posted soon. Report Review
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