I really liked this one-shot. I have never really read anything like this before and I really enjoyed it.
I was surpirsed though that this was told from two people as I never guessed as I was reading!
This was great :)
xxAuthor's Response: Hey Megan! Thanks so much!
This was a bit of an odd concept with the two people thing going on, but I'm glad that you liked it! :)
Celeste Report Review
The sory screamed Lucius/Narcissa to me rather than Andromeda/Ted, though reading back through it with your author's note at the end in mind, I can see how it applies to them as well. I think the reason I thought of Narcissa (if you're interested) was because you were constantly referencing blue (blue walls, blue eyes, blue hills etc) and that is a colour I personally associate with Narcissa.
You have a very unique and beautiful way with descriptions. I loved the first section because the descriptions were so vivid that I could honestly see and feel everything. However you do have a tendancy to overuse words ending in 'ly'. For example in the first paragraph you use three in one sentence (deliberately, carefully, breathlessly), which can be a bit distracting for the reader.
I really like the symbolism you've got in this piece. The contrast between the sun and moon, the bird...its very simple and very effective. As I've already mentioned, I read the whole thing thinking it was Narcissa but reading it again I get how the 'sun' parts could be Andromeda. The way she relates to the bird who flew too far is very interesting...almost as if she is regretting leaving her family behind for Ted. Its an interesting take on her characterisation.
Overall I thought this was an amazingly written piece and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it! :D 10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much!
It's interesting you thought it was a Lucius/Narcissa rather than an Andromeda/Ted and I can definitely see why it was so. I won't say much more about the blue, however! ;)
I'm glad to hear you liked the descriptions. I did go a bit heavily on the "-ly" words, didn't I? I didn't notice when I was writing, but whenever I have time to edit it, I'll be sure to fix those words.
The symbolism was a bit tricky to right, but it's great to see you liked it! I've always thought that neither Narcissa nor Andromeda could have really been that happy with how their lives turned out. Andromeda lost everything - her family, the friends she must've grown up with. Narcissa on the other hand, I see as someone who tired of her life. It was definitely there to me in DH. I'm sure she regretted getting so deep into the Dark arts and she must've wondered at least once how Andromeda's life was.
Thank you again for this amazing review! :D
- Celeste Report Review
This was an interesting peice of writing. The flow of the peice, vocabulary used, and writing style allowed this one shot to be read in an eerie melody. I could almost imagine an old, out of tune piano plunking away in the back ground. The imagery in this story was stunning.
I had no idea that this was about two seperate women. I had assumed that it was the same on through out the whole peice. Now, knowing that it is, I'm dying to 'figure it out' although I know you said they were interchangable.
All in all, wonderful story.
-witnessAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing! Lol, a piano? XD I can see that too, almost. It is a rather melancholy piece of writing, but I wanted the ending to be more hopeful.
Sorry for the confusion about the identities! I knew it would end up confusing everyone. And though they are interchangeable, you could still try figuring out if a section seems more like one than the other.
Thank you again!
- Celeste Report Review
awe, god! I don't know who's who!! But I thought that the moon woman was Narcissa because the way she talks about her family and the sun was Andromeda because she seems more friendly.
It did seem to get a bit too descriptive in parts, might want to think of cutting it slightly.
I also like the way you added in the bird, that was really well done .
keep writing!Author's Response: I'm so sorry it confused you! Wings was a very experimental piece for me; I knew it would end up being very confusing.
I'm thinking of writing a companion piece to Wings, so I'll keep your suggestion about the descriptions in mind.
Thank you for the review!
- Celeste Report Review
I enjoyed this very much, and you definitely have talent as a writer. The imagery was tangible and well-used as well as the symbolism.
That said, the first thing I noticed was adjective/description/image overload. Don't be afraid to cut the fat. Economy of words makes the ones you do choose all the more powerful.
I understand how this story could apply to both Black sisters, but other than that it doesn't ever forge a strong link to the Potterverse. If, perhaps, you had included details about Bellatrix and the two sisters contrast their situation with hers, the story would have been a little meatier and more grounded in JKR's world.
You have great potential. Keep on writing =)Author's Response: Thank you so much! ^_^
Sorry about the adjective/description overload. I really was not paying much attention to that when I wrote it, but looking back...I think you're right.
You make a fair point about keeping it more grounded in JKR's world, but this piece was very experimental for me. Most of the things I write are very, very grounded in her world, so I wanted to write something that was only loosely based there.
Thank you again for the review! Report Review
Annyeong haseyo! Ilia here from the forums to fill your request =)
First of all, I am very impressed with the language you used in this section. The words flowed together beautifully and flawlessly. It felt very poetic, which was really all you needed to insert me into the scene. I do not know who I'm reading about, but even that's okay. I like a little mystery here and there, and you specified in my thread about that. I'll expand later. Also I want to point out that you used a lot of adverbs, which disrupted the flow a little. As opposed to an adverb, a strong verb is always a better choice. For example: She watches the moon begrudgingly. See how weak the word 'watches' feels now? If you amp up that verb to something like 'glares' or 'scowls' you won't have to use one of those nasty adverbs and the picture is painted more clearly.
I feel like you were a little confused on tenses here. I'm all for the use of present tense; I think it can add beauty to a story. But at the beginning, you used the regular past tense (dreamt) and later you switched to the past perfect (it had kissed). The story in this section is being told in the present tense, so generally all actions taking place before the narration need only the regular past tense.
This scene gave me shivers. I am absolutely in love with what you've done here. Setting up the first scene with talking about wings and flying away, and then showing a simple scene regarding a dead bird? Brilliant. I'm very impressed. That's clever. I also like that you didn't go overboard with showing the reader with bright blinking lights what you were trying to do. You understood that it needed to be a simple scene, and you kept it one. There were a few grammar mistakes like missing dialogue tags and such, so just watch out for those.
Again, I love the simplicity here. You do a great job of teasing us as readers; you tell a little of the story at a time - just enough to get us to understand as much as we need to. That's the thing, too. I like that you're not explaining everything in detail. There is a mystery with these characters that is attractive to me as a reader. I want to find out more. I want to keep reading. Great job there.
Wow. The way you've tied the two characters in this story together are amazing. I love the bird analogy - I think it's very clever. You executed it wonderfully. As far as plot goes, you've got that down, along with execution. In this section, though, I was thrown off by the language used. For example, when the mother says, "Come! We must leave now!" it sounded a bit too olde-school for the time period. Does anyone really talk like that?
It was confusing in the respect that if you asked me right now who was who, I wouldn't be able to tell you. In fact, I wouldn't have known who the characters were if you hadn't said something about them in my thread. But to be honest, I don't even care. I feel like this story isn't about who they are per se, but about the emotion and connections they have. I didn't need to know who they were and picture their faces in order to understand this story.
I really enjoyed this. Great job.
Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^
.:.Ilia.:.Author's Response: Hi Ilia!
Wow - thank you so much for your review. I loved that you chose to review it
section by section. :D
You make a fair point about adverbs and such.
I'll admit I'm really not very detailed when it comes to specific things like sentence structure and grammar (as you pointed out). I should note (although this is a feeble defense on my part XD) that I wrote this around 1 o'clock in the morning, so it really wasn't the best quality. I'm planning to revise it and send it through a beta, so hopefully that should help.
As for the first paragraph, I intended it to be a flashback of sorts. So, basically, it details her childhood that she spent daydreaming and then flashes back to present day, in which she has come to terms with reality. But, I really am horrible with these things, so I will get that fixed! :D
I apologize for the old-fashioned language. XD
I intended it that way, only because I felt it would suit the mood more.
It didn't seem right to me to throw in, "Time's up! Let's go!" XD
But I'll substitute it with something more modern day whenever I rewrite this. ^_^
I really was worried about this piece, because the fragmented descriptions and the "mystery" of the speaker does tend to throw most people off. I'm so glad and relieved you liked it! Thank you so, so much for reading and reviewing this! This means so much coming from you.
Celeste Report Review
no it was not confusing, i loved it and the banner!
could you perhaps review some of mine? i'd love your opinion!Author's Response: Thank you! ^_^ I'm glad to hear it wasn't confusing. Alora at The Dark Arts made the lovely banner.
Thanks again for the review!
- Celeste Report Review
I think I had a slight advantage as a reader, due to the information you revealed to me in your review request. It's not so much that I knew more than a reader would from your story info (warnings, characters, etc.), but I was prepared to be very alert. I knew you would be switching around, while other readers may not approach this story with that knowledge.
I have guessed which woman is portrayed in each section, but I am not at all sure if I'm correct or not. I suspect that Narcissa may be the woman in sections i and iii, while Andromeda may be the woman in sections ii and iv. I will be working off this assumption for the remainder of the review.
You asked if your story is too vague, in terms of concealing the identities of the sisters. This is tricky for me to answer in absolute terms; however, if I could answer on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1=no and 10=yes, then I would probably answer a 7. So, yes, it is more vague than I'd like to see, but I don't know if it's "too" vague or not. That's more a judgement call than anything else.
Personally, I rarely enjoy stories and summaries where the authors attempt to be cryptic on purpose, just to keep the reader from knowing what's going on. That's silly: you want your readers to know what's going on. However, in this story, you pulled off the mystery identity (for lack of a better term) bit rather well. I really liked that you did not reveal directly either woman's name, and how the whole story could have actually applied to just one of them.
This served to underscore the similarities and connections between the sisters, as you revealed in your request was a purpose behind this story. I do think the feelings of lonliness, discontent, and hopelessness could very definitely apply to both women. After all, both are trapped at various points in their lives by different situations.
I do understand that you are being intentionally vague in this story. However, I do think it would be nice (and less confusing) to your readers if you were slightly more explicit at times. I assumed that Andomeda was the woman in the even sections because of the repeated description of a hill, while the sections I suspected to be Narcissa's had hedges. There were a couple of other reasons, but that was the big one. If you could throw in an extra detail like that here and there, that would likely help the readers immensely, especially readers who haven't been given the heads-up that two different characters are featured in this brief space.
As I mentioned before (I am so going out of order and jumping all over the place . . . sorry), the story does underscore similarities between Andromeda and Narcissa. Still, although I agree they could very plausibly have similar reactions and feelings, they are two different women with two different lives. I thought they seemed a little TOO similar. I mentioned it was nice that the whole story could have applied to one woman, but the way I see it, you have also applied one characterisation to two women. If there was a little something that made each woman's sections just a little different from the others, I think that would be an improvement.
Overall, I very much enjoyed this story, although I didn't expect to in the first couple of paragraphs. I knew it was going to be a vague, cryptic story, and then the description at the beginning was so . . . I don't know. Poetic? Almost lofty? Old-fashioned? I don't know. None of those words are right. Anyway, the style seemed a little unnatural at first, but then it really grew on me. I liked the way you stated things at times. It seemed so grand, almost. I also liked the way you ended the story on a more hopeful note without being too obvious about it.
In particular, I enjoyed the symbolism of the bird. Of course, I may be reading too much into it, but this is what I saw. Like the young bird, both sisters wound up far removed from their childhoods, although in two different ways. Andromeda obviously "went too far" by marrying a Muggle; Narcissa's case is less obvious, but I could argue she became too far involved in the Dark Arts and what may have been a less than satisfying marriage (that last bit I got as an impression from your story). However, like the bird, they have the potential to rise up from their despondency, though they may leave a small part of themselves in the past, down in the pits of dispair (ok, I'm exaggerating a little here). And, interestingly, the child pointed out the feather, the bit left behind as a sign . . . and both sisters, particularly Narcissa, found a purpose in life through their children (Narcissa's devotion to Draco, Andromeda raising Teddy). Very interesting symbolism.
So, to sum up, yes, this story definitely has potential. I enjoyed it very much. However, I do think if you made it a little less vague and thought a little about the differences between the sisters as well as the similarities, that would make it even better.Author's Response: Wow, the length and depth of this review blew me away! I\\\'ll attempt to match it up in my response. I\\\'m not going to confirm your suspicions about the identities of the women, but only say that yes, you did split them correctly. i and iii were one person while ii and iv were the other. My only note would be that the reason that the sun and moon are mentioned so much throughout is to prove as a guide. One is constantly in the sunlight, thinking about the moon, while the other is in the moonlight, and yearning to walk into the sun.
Your suggestion about bringing in the differences is an excellent one and is a very valid point. I knew this would get confusing. I\\\'m fond of the bird bit, so I\\\'m glad you enjoyed that. :-)
What you read totally impressed me. You got the gist of it. I always felt that for Andromeda, going so much out of her environment - abandoning her home and her family, must have come back to haunt her. And as for Narcissa, what I really thought was that she would have regretted marrying Lucius. Although she thought that position and prestige were both very important, after Draco was involved in the Dark Arts, I\\\'m sure she would have been rather disillusioned. I may move the Author\\\'s Note to the front perhaps to make it clearer and to put the reader on alert from the beginning.
I\\\'m so, so indebted to you for reviewing this! As much as I like reviews, I adore constructive criticism and I will likely rewrite this piece after JulyNoWriMo with your suggestions in mind. I\\\'m really glad you liked this! This was a very weird concept that struck me very, very randomly and I chose to go through with it. I am really glad you enjoyed it! ^_^
And again, thank you so much for the review! :D It was helpful and insightful. You can expect to see me around your review thread again!
you have a very nice style of writing, so the fact that I couldn't fully comprehend which POV was which didn't really matter all that much :) the imagery you create and the descriptions are just lovely, it was all very poetic. I'll read it over a few more times and hopefully my rather slow little head will catch up ^_^Author's Response: I am so sorry that it was a little difficult to decipher! I promise, it probably has nothing to do with you, but rather the confusing way I wrote it. I knew it would make less sense in words than in my head. XD
Thank you so much for reviewing!
Hey! LonelyStar here from the forums with the review you requested ^_^
This was a very well written one-shot. Well thought out too, and imaginative. I really did enjoy reading this. And the way that you were never sure if it was Narcissa or Andromeada was clever, and interesting to read as the reader. Description was great, you kept it nice and simple. Pace and flow were good too, as was spelling. I think you made a few grammar mistakes, but they were small.
I really like this one-shot - you wrote it very well.
9/10Author's Response: Thank you! ^-^
I didn\\\'t know if the concept of hiding the identities would strike the reader are odd or confusing, so I\\\'m glad that didn\\\'t stop you! As for the grammar mistakes, I\\\'ll look it over again and try to fix them.
Thank you so much for the review!
Oh, and I apologize for the slashes that will appear between the apostrophes. :/ Report Review
This was exceptional!!!
I have read and re-read this piece over and over and yet I still have trouble determining who is who. When I think I have it, I began to doubt and I end up at square one again.
The parallel lines drawn betwee the bird and flying and the woman, whomever it may be, if not both, is creative and well written.
This was a great one shot to read and I hope to read more from you in the future!!!Author's Response: Thank you so much! ^_^
This totally made my day! I\\\'m glad that you tried to decipher who the narrator in each piece was. I hope it wasn\\\'t too confusing, since that was my main fear.
Actually, you have a really valid point there saying \\\"if not both\\\". In my mind, I did know who each person speaking was, but I see why you would think that.
Yay! You can be expecting more from me in the future! :D
- Celestie Report Review
Oh, I just loved that! Your writing style is simply beautiful, and I adore the fact that the narrator could have been either Narcissa or Andromeda. The way you wrote it was just so clever. I always like to think that the two sisters were quite close and possibly alike one upon a time, so it was nice to see their similarities highlighted in a piece like this. It was just wonderful :)Author's Response: Thank you! :D
Yay, you liked it! And you didn\'t think it was too confusing? I\'m really glad. I thought most people would have been completely confused by this. Things like this have a tendency to make less sense in words than they do in my head. Ah, well.
Thank you again! Report Review
Your writing style is very beautiful. You pay attention to detail and emotions, and I was simply drawn into the setting and mood. However, it was a bit confusing, I would have to say. Maybe you could make the transitions clearer and the POV, too? I like the idea, but it'd be much easier to follow if you note which scene is whose.
8/10- very good, but slightly confusing. :DAuthor's Response: Thank you very much! However, I left out the identities of each speaker for the sections on purpose - to highlight their similarities. I think each section could have been either Narcissa regretting marrying Lucius and wishing she was Andromeda or Andromeda regretting marrying Ted and wishing she was Narcissa. Just go back and look through them. You\'ll see it could have been either, which was the point of this piece. :D
Thanks for the review! I appreciate it!
- Celestie Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection