Wow. That is just way too short. Since the fanfic WAS started before OotP, you shouldn't have to mention at all that this fanfic is turning out to be AU, it kind of goes without saying. It is also something that should have been placed on the first chapter, not all the way over here. I get though, that you felt you needed to close this whole thing out. That said, this small snipit, I found to be much better written then the other chapters. On the other side, it leaves way to much questions unanswered.
But... having read the other chapters, I understand why you are struggling to even finish this. Your ideas may have been good ones, but the execustion was the kind you typically find the fanfic writer struggling to finish.
I think the best thing about this though is, despite the fact that the story is flawed and something you are struggling with, you simply didn't delete it. You tried to find a way to end it that wasn't to... tacky I guess is the best word for it.
Anyways, hope my reviews help you out in some shape or form. Good luck. :DAuthor's Response: Appreciate it. I kinda ran out of steam for a lot of reasons completely unrelated to Fanfiction writing. I knew once upon time how I wanted to end it... Report Review
Still shaking my head at the characterization in the later chapters. Nothing about this fanfic comes across as logical. Harry's complete distonance about the baby Brooklyn lost comes across as unrealistic for one thing.
It would be one thing if it were Brooklyn and she had known she was pregnaunt. But Harry didn't know about the baby until afterwards and while it may be knumbing at first, he wouldn't have let it take over his life like it has, particularly since he wasn't really able to attach to the baby.
Amound other things.Author's Response: This is where I'm going to disagree a bit. I've lost a baby, and I think everyone reacts differently, whether they knew they were expecting or not. It tore me up pretty horrendously, and I hadn't known I was pregnant (I'd suspected, but hadn't seen the two pink lines yet). The baby's father was pretty torn up, too. Different people react differently, but looking back, this is a chapter I most want to rewrite. Report Review
Wow. The characterization seems to be getting worse. I'll say again, people don't act this way. The emotions that everyone has, it happens to two dementional, not to mention very basic, but also not really how people would react in these kind of situations. I mean, the whole throwing up is an extreme.
That said, I can't help but notice the author's note at the very end. Until the last chapter, it didn't really feel like your story was going anywhere. So, I am not exactly suprised that you didn't remember where you were going. Notebooks honestly come in handy in this kind of situation. Report Review
Do you remember how I said that the fanfic is way to happy-go-lucky? The whole miscarriage doesn't fit into the story line and is rather out of the blue. There was no context clues that she was pregnaunt, when there should have been clues leading the reader up to that point. As I was saying, the previous chapters lacked plot.
There is also a problem with characterization. If Harry isn't the father, then that means that the whole thing wasn't concentual, which also doesn't fit with as spunky as Brooklyn's character has been. Report Review
Well, I said that I was simply going to read the later chapters and then review, but the characterization stood out to me in this chapter. The best way to put it is, people don't act this way. I don't get why the characters are even acting the way they are and I honestly have a problem following the logic that they are putting out. Report Review
"I'm not updating until at least three people review this story."
I was going to just read the next few chapters because practically nothing is going on and then I saw this. On one side, a person really shouldn't ever hold their story hostage. However, if you feel that you are the only one enjoying said fanfic, then it makes sense to say something along the lines of "I think I'm the only one enjoying this fanfic, and I don't see the point of posting the chapters if I am the only one enjoying it." It's how you word it. That said, I think this was a sign of the fact that you were getting frustrated with the plot of your fanfic really not going anywhere.Author's Response: I appreciate all of your reviews. This story was written so many years ago, and honestly, I can't reread it without cringing! I can't imagine how you made it through! Report Review
(...) Your second OC is just thrown in there. I know that you as the writer know your characters well, but the readers do not. I'm not seeing the plot really going anywhere and I don't think there was ever a really good end goal to this fanfic.Author's Response: I've heard that before, the bit about knowing my characters better than I let my readers do. Definitely something to work on and since this fiction was written, I hope that is something I've improved in my writing. Report Review
My question comes, WHY does Harry need to ask her in the Room of Requirements of all places. Still way to happy-go-lucky.Author's Response: I'd have to reread this to answer you fully. Report Review
Well... everything is to happy and to easy in this fanfic, truth be told. Aren't they supposed to be thinking about an approaching war? Instead, Angel and Snape are talking about playing a game.Author's Response: Good point. Report Review
Major case of slice-of-life that is going nowhere. I know that the other characters aren't yours, but Brooklyn does in fact belong to you. Having Hermione comment about her character changing isn't as good as showing that her character is changes. Also, Ron WOULD have been in potions with Hermione and he WOULD not have been taking Muggle Studies as that was a class he HAD to have signed up for at the end of his second year.Author's Response: The classic young, inexperienced writer blunder-show, don't tell. Thanks for pointing that out. Report Review
Suddenly, I think your chapter got a lot longer then the others. There happens to be a big huge block paragraph at the begining of this chapter and everything is coming to them way to easy. I also saw only on instance in what amounts to six chapters that equates the fanfic as being 17+. Not saying more is needed, but if that is the only place that gets this rating up here, I have to say, it possibly could have been edited to be a lower rating, right?Author's Response: Probably could have its rating changed, or I could rewrite. Report Review
I am a little bothered by how happy go lucky your fanfic is. By the time the kids were introduced to the Order, the truth is, things were slowly slipping down hill. I get the twins eventually joining, but Percy showing up out of the blue... well, it is out of the blue and there is the fact that he is in disagreement with his family for a very long time.Author's Response: Need to reread...
As for the happy go lucky bit, I think part of that was being so young and happy go lucky at the time I was writing. Report Review
I get why the fanfic is labeled 17+ now. I don't get how this constinutes a crossover. Yes, it mentions another telivision show, but truth of the matter is, the fandom is mentioned in relation of being a popular media, not actually incorporating said fandom in with the HP univerce.
One one side, your fanfic is very enjoyable. On the other, it has no real plot and is not really going anywhere. Slice-of-life genre isn't bad, but when it goes practically nowhere at all, and keeps going and going, problems arise.Author's Response: It was part of a greater picture, once upon a time. Report Review
Nothing happens. I do agree though, the joke involving the actor was good. When a story has no true plot, no real begining, middle and end, then it should be understandable that it will not likely be easy to finish said story. I had a fanfic on another site (it was not a HP fanfic) where it was random stuff like this, but I ended up finishing it because I had my end goal in mind.Author's Response: I had a goal in mind once upon a time. I forgot it somewhere along the way (probably about the time I started college and forgot what pleasure reading was). Report Review
This chapter is honestly much better then the first, though the plot isn't really progressing anywhere and I can't see how this is a crossover still.
I find Hermione Granger to be rather OoC in this chapter. She is the kind of geek that is a bookwork, not a gamer chick. maybe if there had been some build up as to how she got into gaming, I would find it more believable, but the honest truth is, I am left questioning how she came to like games. That said, Ron playing games and figuring them out is interesting. It just seems... better suited to be something that happens at Harry's place then Hermione's. And not because she's a girl and Harry's a guy either.
The plot is slow and not really going anywhere, which may be another reason why you can't get into finishing this.Author's Response: I think the answer to your crossover is that it was crossed over with another fanfiction and originally posted elsewhere as a crossover. I haven't looked at the story in so long that I can't immediately recall all that you are responding to in your review, so I'll reread it here soon. Thank you for taking the time to pick me apart-I need it and my beta was nonexistent. Report Review
A fanfic aimed for 17+ written by someone who was still in high school doesn't bode well and sends mixed messages. The actual storyline in this chapter isn't bad, but it is honestly dialog heavy. I haven't got a CLUE what the two canons that are being crossed over happen to be either, not to mention the prose is weak. This may be why you can't get back into writing this, of which I suggest a complete rewrite of earlier chapters that better reflect your new writing level.Author's Response: I should sit down and reread this entire fiction with a complete rewrite to make it more fitted to the later cannon.
I started this story...I think I was a sophomore in high school, maybe. Now about to start my fourth year teaching, I reread prose I wrote and mostly want to cringe. English was my worst subject in high school, which is mostly obvious, and I hadn't lived enough to get away from cliches. I guess I'd better quit whining I'm bored on summer break and rewrite some old fanfiction. Report Review
good job i love it :) upload soonAuthor's Response: Oh my goodness, I'd totally forgotten about this story! I'm glad you liked it! Report Review
good job i love it :) upload soonAuthor's Response: I wish I could, but I'm not working on this story (Or any fanfiction, anymore). It's one of the side effects of growing up :( Report Review
was never actually finished was it?Author's Response: No...should have 'abandoned' status... Report Review
Hahaha. . . nice throwing Alan Rickman in. *_^Author's Response: Thanks, I thought that was humorous! Report Review
dude, maybe its A/U, but i want to know what happens next....
:DAuthor's Response: Yeah, I kinda do too. Oh well, it shall remain a myster till I'm bedridden that I have nothing else to do. Report Review
aha, alan rickman, funny.Author's Response: My wrapped sense of humor Report Review
well, maybe it's because I'm just too cool for school or something... but Britney Spears? What were you thinking? And just spontaniously start dancing... to Britney Spears? Jesus christ. Other than that, I like it. Keep it up, and leave pop-culture out of it!Author's Response: You know, I thought I changed that in the rewrite. Maybe I haven't posted it yet? My many apologies, that chapter was written during a high fever...anyway...I am sure I fixed that... Report Review
you better finish this story! i need to know what happens next! don't kep me waiting please! xAuthor's Response: LOL! I'm working on it, college is consuming my life. I'll try my best, I promise!!! Report Review
hey i really love your story...keep updating though because soon you'll lose your first intentions of where you wanted the story to go. i think that you should have harry or brooklyn get into a bit of trouble and have cassien help them out of it or whatever. i think they should try for a new baby ;).Author's Response: Hey. I'm glad you like it. Yeah, I need to update, writing is slow the past few days. Thanks for the suggestions! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection