Reading Reviews for Fallin'
  
16 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Lovegood Fallin'

18th March 2010:
This fic was brilliantly written. Amazing! Great job! I love it! Good job!

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm happy you liked it :)
x


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Review #2, by LOLhaily Fallin'

3rd February 2010:
HELLO!! OMFG!! tthis story was awsome!! i meani come on its so good!! awww... i luved this
-LOLhaily!

Author's Response: Thank youu! I'm really happy you liked it!
x


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Review #3, by Em Fallin'

3rd January 2010:
You have a few errors. ('Window seal' should be 'window sill.') But overall, it's a cute piece. :)

Author's Response: Thanks! I'll make sure to fix it :)
Thanks for the review!
x


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Review #4, by Writrchick Fallin'

25th November 2009:
Okay. First off, I liked the story. I really did. It was a good read.
You asked me to review about your grammar and spelling. I must say that I did notice a fair few mistakes. For example, a 'to' instead of a 'too', a few run-on sentences, other such things. If you don't have the time or patience to deal with such things, or if grammar isn't your forte, I would recommend getting an editor/beta person. I would be happy to do it, if you like. Just PM me on the forums and let me know. But if you don't, that is fine. :)
Good work!

Author's Response: Thanks! Ahh grammar and spelling! I think they're on a personal vendetta against me o.0
Thanks for offering, i'll definitely PM you :)
Thanks again for the review, it was really helpful.
x


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Review #5, by TwilightPrincess Fallin'

29th July 2009:
Annyeong haseyo! Ilia here to fill your request =)

Let's start from the beginning. It was a gloomy night. Cliche alert! This isn't really any different from "It was a dark and stormy night." Cliched lines should generally be avoided because they make your writing seem very tacky and uninspired.

I'm sorry that I have to start off with such criticism, but I must tell you that stories that describe the weather for paragraphs don't do anything for me. I don't understand the purpose of it - to set the mood? That can be done in a sentence or two. The weather itself is boring enough - that's why people use it for small talk. The point I'm trying to make is don't use two or three paragraphs to say something that can be said in a sentence or two. If you keep everything concise, you can get a lot more accomplished.

And when you're talking about a thunderstorm, it should be 'lightning' instead of 'lightening.'

I really like how you summed up a lot of James and Lily's relationship in a few paragraphs - you covered a lot of years there and got us as readers up to speed in a very efficient way. You told us everything we needed to know without getting too far into detail, so that was great. Just watch how many times you repeat yourself - going back to what I said earlier. Keep things precise so you don't confuse anyone or sound like you're babbling. For example, you said at least three different versions of 'this time was different' in that section, and I was saying to myself, "Okay, I got it. It's different." Once you make a point, don't dwell on it. Move on.

The way you handled the next part was a little odd but I liked it. You told us the story in pieces and bits of what happened to make them fight and I think that was really clever. You did a little of that dwelling on a point thing, but it wasn't that bad. I liked that you kept all of it in the past. That was a nicely done scene.

He sat on the window seal too Windowsill.

Though melodramatic, I really liked the emotion you presented in this plot. There were a few times where I was rolling my eyes, but that's how drama is supposed to go. I can tell that you really thought about what these characters would be feeling and how they would interact with each other, so that's great. It's evident in your writing.

However, I think Lily snapped way too fast for something that was way too small. When he said, "We'll work through it," I figured that was going to be the end. That sounded like a happy ending to me. But she didn't like that? Why didn't she like that? Did he not think she was worth it anymore? To me, "We'll work through it," sounds like, "I'll do whatever it takes to keep you because you are worth it." Make sure you keep your ideas focused.

While I'm glad it ended happily, I'm not sure I was convinced. It was interesting to read, of course, but I wasn't glued to the page. You didn't have me hanging on your word. That could be a personal issue with me, though, so I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Overall, a nice piece. I like the way you incorporated the lyrics. Well done.

Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^

.:.Ilia.:.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review, I'll take everything into consideration.

Oh God that window seal - window seel - window sill - windowsill - everyone is telling me it's spealt in different ways and my computer keeps telling me their wrong. I'm so confused on that word LOL :)

I'll make sure to re-read and change a few of the description here and there. The only reason I described the weather a lot is because I used it as symbolism for the character's feelings :)

Thanks for reviewing again, I really appreciate the help!
x


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Review #6, by Clair Clementine Fallin'

26th July 2009:
First of all I thought it was bloody brilliant! I've read a fair few of romances, but in this particular story I really FELT Lily and Jame's lvoe and emotion and sorrow, everything every relationship has really. Description, in my opionion is key. And You had that key and unlocked the door. I ntoiced it right from the first sentence, but it really came out in the fourth paragraph when describing Lily. That was just fantastic!

Ok, I always enjoy finding, discovering and pointing out what I felt the meaning of a story was. It took me a while for this wonderful one-shot, but I think I've got it. What I kind of noticed is that Lily sort of, in her mind wanted them to stop fighting all the time and have everything be perfect with herself feeling perfect and wonderful all the time. James, on the other hand, took the more logical step and said, 'this is the way we are, this is the way our relationship is, and I love you so much, that I'll take the fighting' or at least that's what he was saying to me. Rather than trying to be the perfect couple they wanted to be, Lily had to accept the fact that there was always going to be that dreadful, screaming downhill part of the rollercoaster their relationship was going through, and because she lovs James so much, she was willing to take the cons of it all.

Than again, that's just what I saw! Haha!

Sicne you said you were looking for some grammatical help, I wrote down a few that I saw. Most them were actually only in the beginning. So here they are:

1.)It was a gloomy night. The thunder was shaking th(r)ough the sky

2.)starting with a cloudless sky and bright warm sun shining proudly in the sky (repetitive with 'sky')

3.)the only source of light in the room; those thumps of lightening were the only thing that lit up the whole place and brought life to the seemingly dead room. (repetitive with 'room')

4.)as if tried(trying) to fight the storm in vain.

5.) “What I meant was that we were never going to be the perfect couple because of out(our) past.


Oh, and I just REALLY loved this sentence later on:

"Emerald met hazel at once and both their hearts broke even more as they saw the sadness reflect in their lover’s eyes."

It was just so powerful!!!

All in all, it was incredible and I'm delighted that you requested I review this on the HPFF forums. I definitly enjoyed it. Like I said before, I could really FEEL the emotions coming in from James and Lily. Also your use of language was pretty good too. Your writing is clean cut and spot on! Great, great job!

Clair :D 100/10!!!

Author's Response: Thank you so much!

I'm so happy you liked it. And you totally nailed the whole message behind the one-shot. Practically you don't need to be perfect to have the perfect relationship and Lily doesn't understand that while James does. What I wanted to do was show how Lily kind of finally understands she doesn't have to be perfect to be with James, he loves her anyway and because she loves him she's willing to take risks in their relationship.

And thanks for pointing out the grammar errors I'll make sure to correct them.

Thank you so much again for taking the time to review my story I'm really glad you liked it :)
x


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Review #7, by WitnesstoitAll Fallin'

23rd July 2009:
Hi!! Sorry its been forever since you requested it, but here is your shiny new review:

All in all, I thought this was a well-rounded little story. I thought that the story (like the song) swung back and forth like a pendulum. It was quite appropriate for the mood and style of the story.

I usually do not like angsty Lily stories, but this was wonderfully done. It seems like their fight was so silly and inconsequential, but to two young teens in love, the smallest of fights feel like world war three.

I loved your characterization of James. :) He's always tops in my book. Lily, I feel could use a little work. The stream of consciencness style, while suitable for the mood of the story, seems to make her character a tad disorderly and repetitive.

Besides that, I think this is a lovely story. I'm glad to have read it. :)
-witness

Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I'll take on board what you said about Lily, I think I need to do a little tweaks here and there to her character.
x


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Review #8, by Jane_Volturi Fallin'

23rd July 2009:
Characterization: Ok, so there is quite a lot i want to say about your characters.
Lily: I couldn't quite make my mind up about wether or not Lily was in character. At times i felt she wasn't, and at other times i couldn't tell the difference between your version and JK Rowlings. I suppose i'm going to have to give evidence no that i've said it, so first all, lets start off with the positives. We'll start with her standing up for the Slytherin. That was exactly like Lily to do something like that. We could already tell she accepted Slytherins due to her relationship with Severys Snape so for her to stand up for him when she felt he wasn't in the worng was very in character of her. It proves how she was fair and just. Then it was her dislike for uncertainty, i think that was very in character as well, it's only an automatic response to want to know the truth straight out. Now i'll go for the disadvantages of her character. Well, to be more accurate, disadvantage, i could only find one lol. It was the way she responded to James in such a violent manner. From scenes in the pensieve in the fifth and seventh books i'd always gathered she was very caring, calm an innocent. Like for example, when Petunia called her a freak at King's Cross, she didn't get all violent then, she didn't even get angry, infact there are many scenes in the book that could back up my point on that one. I just think she wouldn't have gone as far as to curse James, i think that was a little too far to be honest.
James: He was pretty in character, though it did shock me a little the way he treated Lily, i wouldn't have expected that of him seeing as he cared for her so much, and to do it just for his prejudice views. It's just a little unrealistic hun.
The relationship between Lily and James: An excellent choice of song, it decribes perfectly the couple's feeling of love and hate towards each other, and you fitted it in so well, well done with that. I think their relationship was very beleivable on the whole, great job!

Plotline and Development:Ok, so i loved this plot, it was very neutral. I love the way you started it talking about the wether, it was though it symbolised the change of relationship between Lily and James. I liked the way it developed from Lily thinking about how sorry she was to her, making up with James, the part where they just held on tight to eachother at the end was so sweet, a brilliant plot development i think, even though there wasn't that much going on.
Mood: The mood of the story came across a Romantic, but also very emotional, i can't think of a word to describe it. it was also rathet dramatic, though in a light kind of way.

Grammar: Ok, so this is where i start to get picky, i've stumbled across a few mistakes whilst reading this, and i figured it would be helpful for me to list them and correct them so that you can edit this fic yourself. i've done it in order.
1. 'The sky was dark and dangerous, and people could even call it angry.'-There shouldn't be an 'and' after the comma.
2. 'The day had been promising, starting with a cloudless sky and bright warm sun shining proudly in the sky and heating the Hogwarts grounds to just the right temperature.'---Firstly '..cloudless sky and bright warm sun...' , there should be a 'the' before 'bright'. And also if you read over it you've mentione 'sky' twice in one sentance. This is because there is no pronoun for the second 'sky', it should be ''The day had been promising, starting with a cloudless sky, the bright warm sun shining proudly in it, heating the Hogwarts grounds to just the right temperature..'
3.'Those enraged bold lines that painted the sky for a few seconds every minute were the only source of light in the room; those thumps of lightening were the only thing that lit up the whole place and brought life to the seemingly dead room.'---You did the pronoun thing again with the word 'room'.
4.'as if tried to fight the storm in vain. The sadness is them was almost overwhelming'-'as if 'trying' to fight the storm in vain. The sadness 'in' them was almost overwhelming...'
They're just a few mistakes, but you've made similar ones all the way through it, i obviously cannot correct everything, it would take too long lol:)
Spelling: There are a lot of spelling mistakes hidden in there, so i'd just quickly read over them and edit them.
Punctuation: same, they can easily be edited though.
Paragraphing: This was brilliant.
Conclusion: Everything was great, just be sure to read over the disadvantages of your characters, and correct those spelling, punctuation and grammar mistakes. Other than that, magnificent story, beautifully written, well done!
Rating:10/10

Goodluck with it:)
Katiexxx

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review, it really helped me a lot. I'll make sure to re-read the whole story and correct my mistakes. God know, I'm so bad at grammar :D

The only reason why I made Lily snappish is because she was so upset it affected her behaviour and way of thinking. What I wanted to show was that if they weren't in a relationship, it would have been normal for Lily to hex James but because of the argument they had it had all escalated into something much bigger just because they were going out.

Thanks so much for the help!
x


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Review #9, by LiveforLuna Fallin'

21st July 2009:
Wow, so moving and powerful!
You really used the song perfectly!
10/10

Author's Response: Aww thanks. I really wanted to use the song as much as possible because my whole story was based around it so I'm happy I managed to do that!
x


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Review #10, by Lillover Fallin'

21st July 2009:
oooh
I loved this
How sweet and beautiful

Author's Response: Thanks, I'm glad you liked it :)

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Review #11, by Natures Nobility Fallin'

12th July 2009:
I liked the idea and you executed it really well.
Only criticism is that in the fourth paragraph from the bottom it reads something like 'and lily knew noone could that away from her.'
I think you missed a word 'take' in there or something.
Overall 8/10
NN
Thanks

Author's Response: xD I\\\'ll have to correct that!
Thanks for the review!
:) x


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Review #12, by harrylilyjames Fallin'

11th July 2009:
Hey!
The first thing that grabbed my attention, probably because it was the first sentence, which was 'though' instead of 'through'.
Your tenses seem slightly mixed up, instead of "The day had been promising, starting with a cloudless sky and bright warm sun..."- it sounds as if your missing a word or two, rewrite it like 'The day had been promising, it started with a cloudless sky and bright warm sun..."
At the beginning you might want to cut down the description of the weather, I feel like you over-descibed it too much. I do this all the time too, I get carries away with what I'm saying. Might want to cut it down to a big paragraph.
I would of thought Lily had more control of her emotions because of living around Petunia and having Snape as a friend.
You started to repeat how her feelings changed from love to hate when she hit the curse at James, along with some other stuff.
"hours" to sit in someone's arms or to just hold someone is a very long time.
There were a few typos in places, like 'out' instead of 'our' and extra words, just simple things like that, a re-read would catch them.
But the relationship between the two was written well, I can understand where the two of them are coming from and it could of happened in their seventh year. It might be just me, but I can't see Lily crying so much, she might shed a tear but then shake herself out of it and be angry with herself or James [yet, you don't have to listen to me, this is just my opinion]
7/10

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I\\\'ll take into account everything that you said (especially the grammar - God knows I need to do something about it lol) Yep, I thought the description was really long too so I might cut it down.
Thanks for the help! :)
x


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Review #13, by Dark_One Fallin'

11th July 2009:
I have to say, the first time I saw this story, I was slightly intimidated. It is, for me anyway, a huge piece and I'm not the biggest fan of Song-fics, but it was definitely worth it. I loved the whole story and although you had a grammar mistake here or there, it is nothing that a quick re-read couldn't fix and I really did like the characters, storyline and general flow of this One-Shot! Well Done!!
8/10

Author's Response: Thanks! I\\\'m really happy you like it even though I have to agree for a little one-shot song-fic its a bit long!
Thanks for the review!
x


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Review #14, by jacks_angel2007 Fallin'

10th July 2009:
That was really cute! I liked it a lot!!!

Author's Response: Thanks :)

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Review #15, by raberbar Fallin'

9th July 2009:
I agree 1000/10 the setting was so well captured!

There is one thing: window sill*

Author's Response: Oops, I\\\'ll have to change that :) I owe you for pointing it out to me!
Thanks for the review!
x


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Review #16, by Computer not working right and having problems loging in! Fallin'

8th July 2009:
Hey this story was AMAZING! God, when I get onto my account this is so going on my favorites! Amazing job and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE write more lily and James story! I'll read them all I promise! *Claps and like a million cookies*- Charly 1,000/10

Author's Response: Thanks! I\\\'m really happy you liked it as I really enjoyed writing it :D
Thanks for the review!
x


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