Reading Reviews for Shine in the Darkness
  
43 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Iris Lily Chapter Two: Fatal

24th July 2010:
still awesome! keep writing please!

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Review #2, by Iris Lily Chapter One: Opposites

24th July 2010:
OMG!

SO awesome! first fic i read and i'm immediately impressed

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Review #3, by California love Chapter Two: Fatal

31st August 2009:
Really good =]
Update soon.

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Review #4, by 1DarkAngel1 Chapter Two: Fatal

31st August 2009:
ooo, no potions homework - i just had to review! please tell me - when will i be attending the dinner??

lool!! another great chapter... 10/10

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Review #5, by x Chapter One: Opposites

23rd August 2009:
good job, I really enjoyed this.
I'm more of a Draco/Hermione shipper, I think it makes things more interesting ;)
looking forward to seeing more

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Review #6, by TwilightPrincess Chapter One: Opposites

14th August 2009:
Annyeong haseyo! Ilia here from TGS for your review =)

I really like that you started off the story with Hermione waking from a nightmare. That never gets old for me. The opening sentence was POW! and I really liked it. The only part about the nightmare scene I didn't care for was that you simply told us about it. Maybe if you had actually brought us into it with something like a flashback scene, it would feel more real. That way, the emotion Hermione was feeling when she woke from it would be in us, and the words would jump off the page more easily.

I feel as though I am being choked with all this information about Hermione's life. In the first few paragraphs, you've told us so much about her life - it's nearly making my head spin! Take it easy. Gradually let us into Hermione's life and that way it will not feel like a chore to remember all that is happening to her. It will become natural for us. For example, if you had shown us how Harry and his girlfriend are 'obsessed with each other', instead of simply saying it, the story will feel more real.

I love that Hermione is dating Neville! I have never seen this pairing before and it came as a shock when in your author's note you said it was a Dramione, but she starts out with Neville. I think that's very interesting - I've never given much thought to Neville/Hermione as a pairing, but now I'm thinking about how it will contrast with Dramione. Ooh, it's going to be so good. Awesome choice.

At first, I wasn't sure your characterizations of Draco and Neville were going to work canon-wise, but I actually really like what you did. Though I still don't care for the line where Draco offers to tutor Neville, I like that he went right into the Imperius curse. That was brilliant.

I'm not entirely sure where this is going, but I'm interested. You've got an interesting beginning to this story.

Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^

.:.Ilia.:.

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Review #7, by 1DarkAngel1 Chapter One: Opposites

12th August 2009:
Hi. I was on HPFF a little while ago when this story first came out, and I just fell in love with it!

So, I decided to make an account on here, and then, wait for it - help make this story number one!

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Review #8, by Alassie Chapter Two: Fatal

11th August 2009:
I must say that even between the two chapters there is an obvious improvement in your writing, and it certainly doesn't hurt that we are now getting into the plot of the story! Very interesting plot at that.
Good story you have going here, keep up the good work.
Alassie

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Review #9, by Alassie Chapter One: Opposites

11th August 2009:
Hello! Alassie here delivering some promised and sadly a bit delayed reviews!
I definitely think that Hermione should end up with Neville. I just think he is so lovable, you know?
Oh, I only noticed one grammatical thing. In the first couple of paragraphs, you said someone was head over heals. I think you mean head over heels. That's it though!
Good job.
Alassie

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Review #10, by Phoenix_Flames Chapter Two: Fatal

11th August 2009:
Again, the chapter seemed a little bit rocky, but the plot was still great nonetheless! I'm very intrigued by this story and I can't wait to see where it's going!

Great job! Be sure to drop by my page when there's an update! xD

8/10

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Review #11, by Phoenix_Flames Chapter One: Opposites

11th August 2009:
So, this story was very interesting. It was opened in a farily intriguing manner, but one thing bothered me.

I thought how you listed off the deceased and then included their killers in parenthesis was a little off. It was kind of unnecessary, I guess people could want to know their killers, but I believe there could be a better, more enticing way to do it. Other than that, the opening was awesome.

The chapter in general was a bit rocky. I felt like it was a list more than a story. The large seperation between paragrahps made it difficult to not include a pause, and the quick lists in between made it seem even more so. You wrote action, by action, by action. I would suggest spacing it out with some description. It would let it flow more nicely.

However, with that aside, you have an awesome and original plot coming along here. Very AU, but I love AU! It's very enticing knowing that you've killed Harry. You don't see that too much these days.

Over all, good job!

7/10

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Review #12, by shelbie Chapter One: Opposites

10th August 2009:
love it! i think that hermione should end up with draco!

Author's Response: Thanks! I really value your opinion!

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Review #13, by Swiftstar Chapter Two: Fatal

8th August 2009:
who can resist no potions homework?? lol...and please tell me draco will be at the dinner lmao...i must say your story has confused me...but, i will read it again, to try to make sense of it...even though it is slightly confusing at the moment i think it's AWESOME! and i cant wait to read more so please please please update...preferably soon!!! I love it. 10/10

~Luc

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Review #14, by theRandomSlytherin Chapter Two: Fatal

7th August 2009:
This story is very intriguing.
The first chapter was better, but I liked this chapter too.
A little more description would've been nice, but other than that, great job!

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Review #15, by siriuslyhockey Chapter One: Opposites

7th August 2009:
The summary to this story is definitely eye catching. A very interesting idea for a story and definitely a big project to take on.

I must say it's all a little...weird, at first. The whole Neville dating Hermione, and the Trio not being friends. I think it's b/c of the way you jump right into the story and only explain why they aren't friends with a few backstory sentences.

That being said after I read more of the story I've gotten used to it and the characters are in character even though they are friends/dating other people.

Draco's character is very in character and I like him a lot. It cracked me up that he'd forgotten the potion upstairs. It just seemed like something Draco would do.

Feel free to re-request :)

Author's Response: Well, I'm glad you got used to it! Thanks ever so mcuh for reviewing. I'lll definetley re-request!

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Review #16, by wytchkitty13 Chapter Two: Fatal

7th August 2009:
Hmm, I had to go back and reread this chapter as it came off confusing to me. It's an interesting place though and this is a nice twist you've put into it. I have to admit that I didn't expect her to end up there and the cliffhanger at the end was nice. The last sentence in this chapter 'Granger, Granger. Are you all right?” over and over again, before everything want black…' instead of want, I think you meant 'went' . Just something that stuck out at the end. Good job on the story, it's really intriguing and I'm looking forward to reading more. Update soon!

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Review #17, by wytchkitty13 Chapter One: Opposites

7th August 2009:
Interesting first chapter. I've not really read any Neville/Hermione stories so this is rather refreshing. I'm rather interested in how crafty you made Draco from the start. I'm also not surprised that the Imperius worked so well on Neville though Draco could get in very big trouble for using an Unforgivable Curse. I'm interested to see just what transpires for next chapter. I happen to be a fan and a writer for Draco/Hermione stories. I like unique twists and turns as that is how I like to write my stories as well. Well, I am off to read Chapter 2 now. :)

Author's Response: Thanks! I'll definetley re-request!

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Review #18, by onestop_hpfan18 Chapter Two: Fatal

7th August 2009:
Hey, here to review ch. 2 as requested now. I thought this chapter was interesting, though it could have had some more description of what's going on as it seemed a bit too slow. I understand that you're just setting the story up, though, and you are doing a good job. It just seemed to tell more than show how Hermione was taking being in this new place without much explanation of what's going on.

Spelling/Grammar: Same as the first chapter the apostrophe s. Most of the words only just needed the s tacked on without the apostrophe. Also, I noticed that you wrote "your" a couple times when it was clear from the context it was used in that you meant "you're." "Your" means to possess while "you're" means you are.

Overall, though, I think you definitely have what it takes in you to improve your writing technique and style to make this story better. You have a plot and characters set up, you just have to improve your writing strategy. I hope this isn't too harsh. I hate having to give any kind of bad news about someone's writing, but if it helps them improve in the end I will. If you'd like me to look over these two chapters and beta them for you then feel free to PM me. 7/10

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Review #19, by onestop_hpfan18 Chapter One: Opposites

7th August 2009:
Hey, Leslie from TGS here to review as requested. The plot idea of this story is quite interesting; I'm guessing that that yellow potion reverses the natural order of things by putting everyone in a sort of alternate universe. Also, the only errors I saw were spelling/grammar mistakes. The first being at the beginning where it reads "head over heals." In this context, it would be 'heels,' not 'heals.' 'Heals' means to heal someone, whereas 'heels' is the back part of your foot. And the other mistake that I frequently saw was that you put 's after most words to make it plural when really it should just be s by itself without the apostrophe. A few examples of the mistakes you made are: "classroom's" should be "classrooms," and "worry's" should be "worries." You only use the 's if you're referring to something belonging to someone or something. If you'd like more help with this than feel free to PM me. Overall, though, I think you have got yourself a really promising story and I look forward to reading where you go with it; 7/10

Author's Response: Thank you soo much for helping me!

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Review #20, by LoneWolf91 Chapter Two: Fatal

6th August 2009:
Hi again. This chapter is good as well, though chapter 1 did seem to flow better.

1)“ (which Hermione was surprised to see that she actually bothered what the woman was dressed in)” – this doesn’t seem to flow very well, I’m not sure how but you may wish to rephrase it.

2) “Hermione looked down at the tray upon her lap. On it was some luke warm butterbeer, watermelon (which Hermione thought weird for Slytherin’s, hater’s of muggle’s, to have), one dragon egg and a cauldron cake.” – Aren’t dragon eggs huge? Are you imagining this chicken egg size? Just curious.

3) “All around the room were picture’s of beautiful French people.” – Picture’s does not need the apostrophe.

4) “Here, you come here when your lost…” – the first here is not needed.

5) Why wasn't the Fatal Pond mentioned in the book? You'd think it would've been in the first line, warning her to avoid it? I dunno, just a thought.

Anyway, Good chapter again, loved it :)

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Review #21, by LoneWolf91 Chapter One: Opposites

6th August 2009:
1) Wow, Nevile/Hermione, now I didn't expect that lol. They are cute together though.

2) "They always did there homework there together" – it should say their the first time, not there ;)

3) "Hermione now put on a touch of blood red lipstick, a necklace, and a touch of mascara. She needed to look hey-I’ve-just-tumbled-out-of-bed-but-still-look-beautiful-but-not-too-beautiful look" – I like this bit, Hermione is rarely portrayed as a normal girl who want to look good, she’s all too often just written as the smart/geeky one with almost no femininity. This makes her seem more human.

4) "…the greenhouse door banged and the two stopped fondling each other at once." – Ooh, very dramatic!

5) "Draco felt jealous. Jealous because Hermione had gone to the Yule Ball with Neville Longbottom. Not him. Jealous that a chubby, clumsy, stupid boy like Neville Longbottom could get a girl with long, brown hair, style, intelligence, when he, Draco Malfoy, couldn't." – Ah, now I'm starting to see where the main pairing comes in haha. You should probably have Hermione/Nevile in the description along with Draco/Hermione though, since the two get off and everything.

6) "From that, he planned his own little revenge. Revenge to Neville - for taking away the only girl he’d ever loved - and Hermione - for choosing a fat, ignorant twat like Neville Longbottom for a boyfriend." – This is very good for showing us his character, he's clearly bitter and angry and almost petulant, like a child who can’t have his own way.

7) "One that held, love, lies, secrets." – There should not be a comma after held. There should also probably be an and between lies and secrets.

8) "He had no idea what it was called and didn't really care either." – The word either is not really needed here.

9) "Just as Malfoy’s eyes started to close, he thought, "Stage one - complete."" – Oh, very nice cliffhanger! Evil Draco lol.

All in all this is a wonderful first chapter to what looks set to be a wonderful story! I really do think you need to add the Hermione/Nevile pairing into the summary in case it offends anybody but other than that I have no major concerns. The other thing I pointed out were minor grammatical issues.

You have a wonderful writing style! It's lovely to read :)

Now, on to chapter 2!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I'll be definetley sure to re-request!

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Review #22, by _hermione_jean_malfoy_ Chapter Two: Fatal

31st July 2009:
oh, thank god shes alright. i wonder who that voice is calling?

10/10

~ ~ ~

_hermione_jean_malfoy_

~ ~ ~

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Review #23, by _hermione_jean_malfoy_ Chapter One: Opposites

31st July 2009:
omg! omg! OMG! i need to find out if hermione's alright!

10/10

~ ~ ~

_hermione_jean_malfoy_

~ ~ ~

Author's Response: Well, then, you'll have to read on won't you!! I'm not going to be giving anything away! Don't you worry!

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Review #24, by Evil Sami Poo Chapter Two: Fatal

23rd July 2009:
I like this one, it has a very etheral air about it. I can't wait to read more

Author's Response: Thanks, so mcuh!!

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Review #25, by madelgranger Chapter Two: Fatal

18th July 2009:
it's me again. interesting AU. this chapter sets up more questions than answers, which you did well. you still had a bit of the apostrophe problem here, although it wasn't as prevalent. the whole manor thing is intersting, although I have no idea what's going on at this point. thanks for writing

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!

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