Hello! So sorry for the crazy delay in reviewing :-(
I find this plotline to be incredibly exciting...the whole concept is so dramatic and this dilemma (any ship) is just fantastically emotional, so I'm definitely glad you decided to write about it. The thing about fitting it into a one-shot is that it has to be a whirlwind of intensity to grab the reader's attention and make them captivated. I completely felt that building up in the scene on the bench. Your writing is beautiful and you capture the thought patterns of Sirius perfectly! In this respect the only criticism I have is that it seems to end too quickly. I don't know if you wanted to keep them from doing anything serious (kissing, etc.), but the scene builds up so much potential energy and never reaches its peak. I expected the intensity of their time together to last much longer before being interrupted.
When I write love scenes (especially dramatic ones without a lot of physical stuff) I focus a lot on physical description. Something I noticed here was that you have mastered emotional description, but maybe the drama of the moment could be amplified with some specific, romantic details that Sirius notices about Lily. I hope what I'm saying makes sense... For example, when I was reading I had a generic image of Lily in my mind and its always much easier to get attached to a story if the characters are physically, as well as emotionally, unique to fit a particular style of writing. I don't mean huge changes like hair color, just things someone might notice, like mannerisms. I did notice this in some places throughout your story and I thought they were extremely effective, so that would be the only thing I could suggest to add.
I am extremely fond of Sirius, though i tend to shy away from Marauder fanfiction. Usually its too dry and stereotypical for my taste, but I now want to read more of Sirius after reading your story! He's such a great character and I love how you portrayed him. I really enjoy reading your work! I hope my comments were helpful and not too confusing...and by all means continue posting your work in my thread! I'll make sure to get to these reviews more quickly in the future.
Thanks for requesting!
~LunnahAuthor's Response: Thanks ever so much for the review!
I agree that plotlines like this have the potential to be incredibly dramatic and exciting, so I'm glad you thought that I achieved this in some parts of this piece (:
I completely agree about it ending quickly, and to be honest I'm not even sure about whether or not that was what I wanted to achieve :/ I got a huge bout of writer's block when trying to end this and I'm not very happy with it - re-writing this ending is one thing that's on my to-do list.
I'm glad that you think I wrote the emotional description well. Thanks very much for that compliment ^_^ I do tend to get a little more caught up in the emotions rather than the physical aspects of writing, so I do agree with you. Thanks for drawing it to my attention, and I'll bear your advice in mind!
I'm glad you've seen a new side to Sirius thanks to this one-shot (: He's one of my favourite characters and I love writing him, but I do know what you mean when you say that he is written very stereotypically a lot of the time :/
Thanks again for your lovely review! Report Review
I really like this story. But I have to say, i'm a little disappointed that there was no kissing :] Great story tho. 10/10Author's Response: Thank you :) But no, no kissing, sorry! Thanks very much for taking the time to review! Report Review
heya, here from the forums with the review you requested :)
I'm not a huge fan of Sirily, just because I think it'd be out of character for both of them to betray James like that, and it wouldn't happen before because Lily disliked Sirius since first year when he mocked Snape ... but I'm ranting and this is supposed to be a review.
You didn't do anything extremely original with this, but what you did do you did well. I absolutely adore present tense, and you used it quite well. I don't think Sirius would be quite this poetic, thinking about Lily, but it's well written. Lovely description. It's not very long, but it didn't seem too short. I like that it's a reminder of James that holds Sirius back from kissing Lily. I have to wonder how far they've gotten before, if they get so worked up just holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes, and I don't think Lily would be able to bounce back so quickly in the last section. She didn't seem to be a particularly good actress with Sirius.
So, all that to say- aside from my personal issues with your premise, I think this was well written, and one of the better Sirily one shots I've read. More depth is always good- perhaps something about why they're cheating on James in the first place- but there didn't seem to be anything lacking in this. Nicely done.
~MacAuthor's Response: Thanks very much for your review!
I\\\'m not a big believer in Sirius/Lily either, but it\\\'s fun to write and this little plot bunny wouldn\\\'t leave me be ^_^
I agree, there isn\\\'t anything remotely original in here, but I\\\'m very glad you liked what\\\'s there anyway.
Thanks for mentioning that, because I believe that if this situation were to have ever presented itself, it would be the reminder of James that would stop Sirius.
I have been thinking about giving this more depth by explaining why they\\\'re cheating on James, which I think would explain why Lily bounced back as quickly as she did in the latter half of the story. I just haven\\\'t got round to doing it yet, but it\\\'s something I\\\'m definitely considering, especially if it\\\'s going to add something more to this piece. (:
Thanks for taking the time to review this! :) Report Review
Honestly, I'm not a fan of Lily/Sirius ships. Just because I'm a person who is ALL for James/Lily. I love James. I mean if I were a student at Hogwarts, I would probably have a crush on James. Haha, that sounds so weird. But I see exactly why Lily is with him. Wow, I better not creep you out about that. Anyway, I just like his character a lot.
I do like this however. It was very interesting and proved to be a good oneshot!Author's Response: Thank you (: I'm not really a Sirius/Lily fan either... I much prefer Lily/James too :)
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
This is really good you should write about the events that got Lily and Sirius. I would enjoy seeing what you come up with:)Author's Response: Yes, I was thinking about doing that. I think I might give it a go if I get the chance. Thanks for your review! :) Report Review
AW thats so sad.
Buut a good evil twist!
I LIKE IT!Author's Response: Aw, thank you. And thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
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