I really loved this story... I really love Sirius in general. Great job!Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing! I really appreciate it. Report Review
This is one of the best one-shots I've read in a long time. It left me wanting more and, as fan, do you think you could make this into a story? Please...Author's Response: Aww, glad you liked it so much. Unfortunately I'm not making this any longer because I feel that the short length gives this one-shot most of its power. But I have a few longer stories up if you're interested. =] Thank you so much for reviewing! Report Review
i quite liked this. it helps that the girl had my first name and i'm in love with sirius. XD
keep up the good work! :)Author's Response: Haha, I'm happy you liked it. Thanks for the review! Report Review
Okay, I'm here because I simply could not wait to read more of your work, and I'm so glad I skipped ahead in my review queue because the very first line is brilliant and I'm absolutely crazy for you POV choice, you're writing it really well!
Who is this delicious potent woman? She's freaking great, so alive and intense and vivid! I am enthralled and jealous and angsty to read more with her. Pitty this is a one-shot because you've got a spot-on character here who deserves more than few thousand words.
But of those few thousand words, I am deeply impressed. You did such a good job with Sirius, I love your portral of him. He's real, he's flawed, he's magnetic! I've read far too many cheap easily written versions of this -- my favorite Maurader -- but yours makes him such a man! Woo girl *fans herself as she swoons with happy HP chills*
There's also the presence of an actual thought about back story here, and a lot of one-shots are lacking that. I think because of the tense and POV pick for this, I'm getting a solid platform from which I can suspend my belief styem and just go with the action. I was so throughly caught up in this story I forgot to look for detials to critique, so I have nothing here for you but praise.
Delicious, addictive, want more! I love this Gabby, great job!
BB-This one is going into my favorites!Author's Response: Whoa, 12/10?! That's the highest rating I've ever gotten. ;)
All this praise is going to my head, Bliss. Yes, the plotline is such that readers DO need to suspend their beliefs and just go with it - I'm glad the tense and POV hooked you. And Sirius is such a man? Of course he is. *faints* This is my first serious [lol] attempt at Sirius/OC, so I went through pains to make him right.
Here's a secret: the reason why a backstory was present is because it's real, to a certain degree. I based Tori off of myself, then tweaked it a bit from my exaggeration-prone imagination. :) So your delicious, potent, alive, intense, and vivid woman is actually mostly...me. ^_^ Of course, I appreciate your compliments two-fold because of it.
Glad you enjoyed this so much, and thanks again for being a great beta and reviewer!! =]
~Gabby Report Review
Wow. Absolutely stunning. Just... beautiful.
Do I like it? Haha, silly question! YES! I think I actually like this more than Saviour... and that's saying a lot! :D
I love the way everything they say has this underlying concept, something the audience has to figure out for themselves. Not only that, but the opennes of such a concept allows for this to be different for everyone, for each person to relate to something of their own experience, to draw what they will from what you want to portray. I hope that makes sense.
I think the first person, present tense worked very well for you. It put me there, in the moment, and I really felt like it gave me a better understanding of the character and how she felt, even though we never really find out exactly what happened.
"Of all the things he has seen, and all the people he has known, somehow I want to be the most important." -- I absolutely ADORE this line. I think Tori was really well characterized... she has this need and is reckless about achieving it... it makes her endearing because I've certainly been there and done that... and then got rebuffed in the same way. She's someone that the audience, whether or not they've been in the same situation, can really relate to and she's very well written.
Also, the last line was so sweet. Not only does it completely back up your characterization of Sirius (which was phenomenal, by the way, completely what I would expect of him... he gives a little, tries to keep to himself, and then does what he knows is right), it leaves us with that all around metaphorical, advice-like statement that will pop up sometime later in life. It has a certain impact and really wraps the story up quite nicely.
Absolutely fantastic piece, hun! It's going on my favorites list :] I hope that everything I said made sense... my brain's kind of on holiday at the moment ;]
Keep up the great work!!
-JillAuthor's Response: Hey Jill, glad you stopped by. I always love your long, raving reviews. I am completely undeserving. :P
I hope this will tide you over in the crazy-but-still-relatable-female-character department until I get my Saviour muse back. Padfoot [my muse] has decided to go on a prolonged vacation and I can\\\'t contact him. =[
I\\\'m happy the underlying concept - and Tori\\\'s problem - is relatable to everyone. I do relate Tori to myself and what I see in others. There\\\'s a little of her walking around with me every day. That\\\'s getting kind of personal, but what the hey - you\\\'re my cyber buddy, right? haha, wow I\\\'m a dork.
Anyway, I thought it would be interesting to do the \\\"youth is wasted on the young\\\" theme from a younger character who thinks she wasted her prime being inadequate instead of the traditional old-wishing-to-be-young. That easily works for Sirius, but it\\\'s too expected. I like the unexpected. :D I figured having him play the father-figure role fit better to lift him from his grief.
Thanks for the review, hon, and I\\\'m glad you\\\'re not tired of my stories yet! I saw Public Enemies 2 days ago, and now I have a gangster story a-brewin\\\'. ;)
Haha, I wish review responses counted towards my JulNo.
PS. Grr..why do my apostrophes keep turning up with ///? Even when I try to edit... Report Review
I loved both the first and the present. I know how you usually arent a big fan of the first person, and I know for a fact how hard present tense can be to pull off, which is why I haven't posted anything with it.
Bravo! I really enjoyed all of the emotions that you were able to convery in such a short time. Really you are very talented and you should be more than proud. There was such a depth in both Sirius and Tori that is hard to convey when you are doing first person. Anyway, bed time now.Author's Response: Yeah, I haven't written in first person [unless forced] since...third grade? :) Hahaha, that was a LONG time ago.
Glad to hear you enjoyed it, and thanks so much for the review! It was thoughtful of you to stop by. *hugs* Report Review
Hi there! I'm here for your review. I must say, what you described of this when you requested had me wary- but this was amazing.
The key part, the one that made it not your average Sirius/OC, un-real love part was the end, the part where they didn't get together. The fact that Sirius was smart and left her, also with some new wisdom, was perfect. That made it fantastic.
So in answer to your question, it did work, beautifully. Your OC was great, because there were actual reasons for her going to bars every night, and she had actual feelings and wants that can be hard to describe. Sirius was also written well, and not playboy by any means.
Don't change anything. I'm not a fan of mostly romantic stories, but since the ending changed everything, it was perfect. This is not cliche or anything like that, by any means. Way to go!
~lllbAuthor's Response: Haha, sorry to scare you. It was only a fair warning.
Glad to hear that it worked well. A large part of both Sirius and Tori's characterization is maturity - the 10 years and difference of experience is HUGE. Tori does also have an obsessive condition, but even if the reader doesn't realize that, the point is the same. I'm so happy to hear that you liked Sirius, because I think he's very difficult to write.
Thanks for reviewing, and I'm glad you liked it! Report Review
Wow, that was really good. It was really intense, and different, in a good way.Author's Response: Thanks, I'm glad you liked it! Intense and different is always good. =] Report Review
Very interesting use of tense. I like how it actually added a darker element, because it was ongoing with the reader, making it seem as if we were the actual fly on the wall here. It was bitter, with an aftertaste of sweetness, if that makes any sense at all. At first, the movement seemed strange, but it opened up, and flowed rather nicely. Great job, you are a brave woman for trying it, and an even smarter one since I think you succeeded ;)Author's Response: Aww, thanks for the compliment(s)! I'm happy everything worked well. You're spot on with the bitter/sweet thing - both Tori and Sirius are bitter about their past, and Tori has very low self-esteem, etc. But in the end, Sirius helps her and feels more like a father himself! =]
Thanks for the review - I'm glad my Sirius/OC pleased a legendary Marauder writer.
~Gabby Report Review
This is really really lovely! I think it would be absolutly amazing if you wrote this from Sirius' perspective. Heck I'd be even happier if you turned it into a novella or such...Great Job!Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! I'm glad you liked it. Report Review
I kind of like this, I like Tori (coinencidentaly that is my little sisters name, lol) though at first I felt like she must have had a mental condition. Though I see now that it isn't the case.
Good job!Author's Response: Haha, actually, it IS the case. You're very perceptive! She's obsessed with her body image and making up for the time she "wasted" when she wasn't good enough. That's why she comes across as being slightly off her rocker. =]
Sorry if this gave you any bad images of your little sister. >.< Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
hm. I got you PM on the forums and figured I'd take a look at this story. I usually have a problem reading things that are non-cannon and such -- so when I started reading this, I was concerned. However, I though it flowed together quite nicely. I think the first person and present tense worked out well. The first couple paragraphs were a little rough sounding, but after thinking about why, I decided that it was because I wasn't yet in the narrator's head. After I felt more at ease being in the narrator's head, I decided that I liked the person/tense combination. It provided a very "in-your-face" view. I think that overall, it worked out to be a successful story.
I tend to write first person on occassion, but always in the past tense. I give you a lot of credit for trying this out. It is a scary under-taking. :)Author's Response: I just replied to the PM. It was so nice of you to stop by.
I do personally feel that the person and tense combo sounds awkward, so writing this was pretty painful for me. I wanted to challenge myself, though. Plus, I tend to LIKE writing challenging characters. All my OCs somehow turn out mental, like Tori in this fic. Maybe it says something about me? =]
Haha, thanks so much for reviewing. I hope to work with you again on another collaboration sometime! [Once our current one is finished, of course.]
~Gabby Report Review
this was an amazing attempt and a new POV and style of writing. i am very, very impressed with what you have done with this story. when you mentioned that your main character was indeed a little insane i was sort of confused. of course i know what insane means and all but i was curious as to how you were going to incorporate insanity into such a story. i really liked what you did with this. with a new take, new characters, and a new style of writing, it is sometimes difficult to get things right but you did a lovely job of making this as accurate and realistic as possible. it made perfect sense in the most frustrating and confusing way. you really built up the insanity, but i think that it might not be so noticeable for other readers. you told me exactly what was going on, but if you did not tell me, i am not so sure that i would have got it exactly right. i would have been able to notice that something was mentally wrong with your character but i am not sure whether i would have nailed the severity of her case. just something that i thought that i would point out. anyways, nice job on this. i really liked this one-shot and was honestly impressed with everything that you provided. good luck with your writing.Author's Response: Bahaha, don't worry - I use the term "insane" very loosely. I didn't mean insane like post-Azkaban Bellatrix insane. Tori's point of view is just distorted because she's lost for what to do with her life AND obsessive about being needed by men at the same time. Her self-esteem is very low, obviously. So that's why I warned you that she may come off a bit insane, that's all. =]
Anyway, I'm glad you liked it. I wasn't sure how it would come off to readers so I asked your opinion. Thanks for this review! Report Review
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