Okay first off I have to say again how much I love this collaboration idea with the colors and all.
When you said slash, I have to admit I wasn't expecting this!
It was so cute, I was smiling the whole time I read it. I loved how compassionate Remus and James were. I loved how Remus put all his trust in James and told him his secret, and when he stopped him from attacking the Slytherins. &James was absolutely adorable when he told his secret. The "Family" thing was heart warming.
Brown was perfect! &especially the chocolate. Once again your writing style is amazing, it flows so well, and I didn't spot any grammar mistakes. How do you do it? Lol Both stories are FANTASTIC!
Please come by my thread anytime! Now I'm really anxious to read your other story =)Author's Response: Thanks, I'm glad it was unexpectedly heartwarming and a unique take on slash. James and Remus are so cute. =] I do have one angst-slash piece and one sexy-slash piece, so I'll pop by your thread and see if you're interested. Glad you liked the brown chocolate idea. Chocolate is so warm and wholesome and loving, don't you think? :P
Thanks so much for the review! I appreciate it. Report Review
Here from the forums!
Completely adorable. I love Remus trusting James, and stopping him from getting into a fight.
Grammar wise and spellings wise, it's perfect.
Few people post slash, and although this is (as you said) nothing hardcore, it's still a pretty piece. Very comforting.
Could you hook me up with the Sirius/James story? I'd love to read it...
xEAuthor's Response: Haha, yay! Adorable and comforting is what I was going for, with a side of bittersweet. :P I'm still a James/Lily shipper - I've been that way for 2 years and it's become somewhat of a habit - but I think it's fun to explore Marauder slash outside of that. After all, it's very possible to love 2 people at once. =]
Sure, I'll let you know. It's not under my penname. Thanks so much for the review! Report Review
Wow that was very interesting! How did you guys come up with this concept? Its amazing. I've never heard of Synesthesia before this and after I finished reading your one-shot I had to go to Google and search it to learn more about it. You have me really intrigued.
Now about the story =)
I really enjoyed it. Your characterizations of Rabastan and Alanna were soo good. I love how indifferent Rabastan is and I love how vulnerable Alanna is. Wow and the use of color was beautiful. I could picture every part in my head like a movie.
Your a really great writer! The way you write is sort of like poetry and I'm glad I got a chance to read this. Thank you! I'm going to have to check out your other story one of these days. Remind me okay? lolAuthor's Response: I learned about synesthesia a few years ago while studying Lolita by Nabokov, who has the condition. I, too, was fascinated and thought it'd make a cool concept for a collab! Thanks so much for the compliments and for the review. I'll be sure to pop by your forum profile soon to remind you. :) Report Review
Aw, I thought that was really good, and really sweet- although personally I think find hair is far more awesome than blue, mainly due to my best friends bad dye-job last year :P I like the way it showed him grow up, and how it turned out it was all on his wedding day.
xx Report Review
Hello! It's me, Kristen, with your review :). I'm sorry you had to wait, my life just got busy unexpectedly.
I thought this was a very cute story! And it was a fun read for me, since it's being dreadfully rainy here :p. What made you decide to use the color pink? I really liked how you used the color pink for your story though, because it is one of my favorite colors and especially that you used it from a guy's perspective. I think you captured a boy's mentality when Teddy was seven perfectly. I thought it was quite cute and quirky the way that played out - and true to. I remember when I was in my single digits, us girls played with Barbies and Disney princesses while my boy cousins wrestled in the mud, played with army figures, or just got annoyed when we grimaced at their talk of sports. That memory was my favorite out of all of them, to be honest with you :).
However, it is time for some sour (I'm sorry!). While I thought your vocabulary was smart and rich overall, I sort of hoped that you could have varied up the words when it came to describing pink. In my opinion, the word "pink" was used alot. I probably would not have noticed it as much if the word didn't show up so close together as to the next one. Maybe next time you could try using words or phrases like "magenta", "rose", "coral", "taffy", "the color of bubble gum" etc. to vary it up a bit :). I know at one point you DID use "bubble gum", but you added pink to the end, and perhaps if you left that word off, the phrase still would have had the same effect. Did that make sense? I hope it did! :D
I can't really comment on characterization canon-wise, as the main characters are concerned, because Teddy and Victoire are basically OCs. But I think they were very well rounded, and you captured their child-like innocence in the younger memories and transitioned into adolescent angst right. But their relationship might be more realistic if you included another memory, perhaps of him dealing with the kiss? I'm sure it must have been awkward to kiss his best friend, right? Or Victoire getting annoyed at his maleness? I think just adding another one would just add more depth to their relationship.
Now onto the minor characters: I loved, loved, loved Louis. I thought he was really funny. I think you have natural knack with dialogue, especially when it comes to comical quips. My favorite line in this entire fic has to be Louis's line "Are you alright? You've been staring at my chest for about five minutes – I know I'm good looking but please, try to restrain yourself."
But a thing that sort of didn't exactly sit right with me was when Teddy was scanning the crowd for his grandma and she was sitting with the Malfoys. Will you go more into this in your novel? It's just that we learned from Jo Rowling that Andromeda and Narcissa and the Blacks had a really bad falling out when Andromeda went off with muggleborn Ted Tonks. And the Malfoys hate the Weasleys alone, so it just didn't seem believable there, I'm sorry :(. But that's it as far as concrit is concerned.
A quick question though: is Avery a first or last name? Is Avery related to the Death Eater Avery?
Overall, I think you did a really good job with this piece, and you have good material to work with for your novel :).
KristenAuthor's Response: Firstly I'd like to start off by saying that this review made my day!! It was thorough, constructive, and very helpful.
I'm very glad that you found this story to be entertaining and refreshing. That was the atmosphere I was aiming for. As far as the over-use of the word 'pink,' the underlying theme of the collaboration was colour. I chose the colour pink since it was the last colour I'd associate with a little boy. Also, pink is the first colour that I associate with Tonks and so expanded this to include her son. I too thought that the use of the word pink was repetitive and it bothered me. But, to emphasize the importance of the colour pink, I made the executive decision to keep the word used for the colour constant. It may or may not have been the right decision.
I made the decision to seat Andromeda with the Malfoys for primarily one reason. I always envisioned Lucious Malfoy being imprisoned following the events of May 2nd. Draco and Narcissa would be left free a their manner home. I always imagined that after several years of being alone, Narcissa would track down her sister and attempt to fix things between them. I'd like to imagine that even adults can learn. While Andromeda may be closer to Harry and the Weasleys, I'd like to think that she would feel comfortable to sit on the groups side of the congregation. I'm not yet sure whether I am including this indulgence in my novel.
I am relieved that you felt that my characters seemed well rounded. I was afraid that the amount of fluff in the story would hide the characters I had imagined in my head. Louis is my favourite too. :) However, in my novel, Dom will be filling this character slot. I've decided to write him as a Boy. Plus he will be closer in age to Teddy and Victoire. I'm rather surprised that you feel that I write dialogue well. I always feel as though that is my weakest point. I am glad that you thought the "try to restrain yourself line" amusing.
I never actually thought of Avery the death eater. Although that could be an interesting twist. The Avery in my story was simply a first name. The seven-year old scene was my favourite memory to write. It is good to know that you felt that I captured the age correctly. I do plan on having reaction to the first kiss scene in my novel. Hopefully that will help to bridge any gapping that existed in this abridged version of the story. :)
All in all, your review was amazing. Probably one of the best I have ever recieved. Thank you so much. I do hope you check out the prologue of my Teddy novel which is now validated. Just keep in mind that it hasn't been beta'd yet and may have some silly grammar mistakes. Other chapters are written and just awaiting validation.
Thank you again,
-melissa Report Review
omg!!! I was so not expecting that ending!! That is like one of the sweetest I have ever read!! All the scenes were so cute and adorable.
But seeing as the first kiss was really important scene, you could put in another scene when they were little where they kissed and ran off giggling or something, because everyone is so innocent back then and Victoire could say that she was too young and didn't know what she was doing which would lead to Teddy kissing her by the lake.
Just the first scene with grown-up Teddy to toddler Teddy wasn't clear enough, I got confused where the scenes fitted into his life, might want to make it more obvious somehow.
Also, seeing as the castle was important you might want to interpret it into when they have grown up, either Hogwarts being their castle or something else.
But it was an extremely cute story! I really don't know why you're not getting responses, there is nothing terribly wrong with it.Author's Response: Aww. Thank you. Your review was tops. The ending was my secret weapon while writing this story. I was very excited to have her say that, and had to wait until the perfect moment to slip it in there. In my novel-in-progress I do actually have a young childhood kiss that occurs well before the kiss by the lake. (Great minds must think alike?) Anyways... I love the suggestion about the castle. I had never even thought about that. I will keep that suggestion in mind for the future. I love that it helps tie in the past to the future. I love symmetry!
Thank you for taking the time to write this wonderful review. It made my week better.
-witness Report Review
That was really adoreable. I enjoyed it very much. The best part, I would have to say, is the actual first kiss senario. It was great, considering the basis of why Victorie wanted Teddy to kiss her anyways.
AlexAuthor's Response: Thank you!! I'm so glad that you liked this story. I'm relieved that you liked the first kiss scene. I was nervous when writing that. I'm very glad you took the time to read this review. :)
-witness Report Review
this is really cute! I like how you portrayed their relationship. there were a few minor grammar things that you could use a beta to clean up, but other than that it was great. (and I'm just a grammar freak so most people probably wouldn't notice). I really really liked this one-shot, and I can definitly see how you can expand on it to make it into a longer story. great job thanks for writing!Author's Response: Well, I know that I should work on it, but grammer has never been my strongest suit. I have never used a beta before, but surely plan on it for my next story. :) I'm very glad you liked the progression of the story and feel that I can expand upon it. I do hope you check it out whenever it is validated.
Thank you for taking the time to review. It means a lot.
-witness Report Review
Hey, I'm here to review!
I enjoyed this! It was just the perfect amount of fluff - not to sickening but enough to make you feel all fuzzy inside :)
He cleared his throat and tried to sound important despite his two missing front teeth. "I claim this in the name of Teddy and Victoire – the two best friends ever." - I thought that was adorable :)
You mentioned that you were concerned about your characterisations, and I really don't think that you need to be. I thought that you wrote Teddy wonderfully and really captured his emotions well in each section of the story, no matter what was going on.
I also liked the little thing of his hair going pink. :D
I enjoyed your characterisation of Victoire, too. You wrote her just as I had pictured her :)
To be honest, I can't find a lot wrong with this at all. The only thing that I can find to critique is your switching between past and present. I got it as I continued reading, but at first I was a little confused. That's the only thing that I would suggest you look at. :)
I definitely don't think that the lack of response is due to you doing something wrong. It's probably just something like different eras/ships/characters etc being more popular and so taking attention away from this. I don't think you need to worry at all.
Good job! :)
JessicaAuthor's Response: Aww. Thank you for your kind review!!!
I\\\'m very glad that you didn\\\'t drown in the amount of fluff I stuffed into that chapter. :) I thought it was appropriate and needed for the type of story i was writing. As I progressed through their lives, I found myself liking seven-year old Teddy the best. :) I do like his little fort line. I\\\'m glad you appreciated the line about his missing teeth. The pink hair was crucial to tie this chapter into the collaboration. I\\\'m not sure if this aspect will re-appear in my Teddy novel (which should be validated in the next two days *eek*) but I\\\'ll seriously consider it. I\\\'ve never really read a Victoire that I truly fell in love with, so I figured I may as well write my own. I have always pictured her as a beautiful girl who\\\'s own beauty usually goes unnoticed by her. She is bossy and slightly spoiled, but she always holds other people\\\'s needs at heart.
I usually have problems staying within one tense. I plan on getting a beta for my next story. :) I am very glad that you can\\\'t really find anything that I am at fault with within this story. Your review was a confidence booster.
-witness Report Review
Aww. I loved it. You are magnificent, you really are. Could you possibly do another Ted/Victoire?Author's Response: Magnificent is quite the compliment. I feel like I write best when I write characters that I like a lot. Teddy and Victoire have been two of my favorite characters recently. Thank you for the review!
-melissa Report Review
Oh, that was so cute! I can't imagine what Teddy would look like with pink hair but I love Teddy/Victoire stories! I like that even when Victoire was a baby, Teddy noticed she was pink and liked it, lol. Great job. ;)
-Aly-Author's Response: I never really pictured Teddy with full-blown pink hair while writing this little story. I more or less pictured him with the tips tinging pink, almost as if his hair was blushing (if that makes sense). I am very glad you enjoyed this chapter!! Thank you for your lovely review.
-melissa Report Review
I don't usually read Dramiones but this one was actually believeable. I like that they were friends...or at least not enemies...before they kissed. ;)
-Aly-Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing!
I really appreciate your feedback and I'm so glad you liked it.
--DF11 Report Review
This was interesting :) It reminded me of a story written by emz I think her name was, with the Grey Lady and the Bloody Baron. Were you by any chance inspired by that to start this collab? Or if not, what did inspire you?
I think this reads very well. It has a nice poetic style to it, which I think adds greatly to the role the different colors play in your work. Do Alanna and Rabastan both have synesthia (I probably butchered that word xD)?
I loved Rab's character in this! I love how he's so cool and lazy and how you sort of subtly hint at his dark nature, like what is to come. Moreover, it was really cool that though this was from Alanna's point of view, you inserted clips of his side. My favorite line throughout the entire piece was He had eyes for nothing but what he was leaving behind—the castle of his childhood, and what now awaited him—a cigar in a monogrammed robe every morning. I just think his voice was very distinct. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that his character dominated Alanna's...I don't know if that was intended or not.
Some criticism: Try to use a little more variation with your words. I noticed that on several occasions throughout the fic you use the word "blue" to describe blue like azure or something to that effect (I give you credit for using cerulean though!). It just made the flow a tad choppy with the word "blue" so much in there.
Okay, that's it :P Great job with your descriptions and sense of characterizations.
KristenAuthor's Response: Hi Kristen, thanks for coming to review. I didn't get this beta'd, so I felt it was in need of some critique.
No, I've never read that story, but this collab was inspired by my love of color symbolism, and to write it specifically with senses other than sight sounded fascinating. =]
I'm glad you like Rab. He's so much fun to write, and yes, he is supposed to dominate Alanna's character. It gets more apparent as they get older. [I'm writing a novel on them, so studying their early relationship dynamic is interesting.] He is imposing, but he's also false and contradictory. Alanna is the opposite - she's vulnerable, but she is too honest. I like switching povs between them because the two sides are so different.
I do notice that I use a lot of repetition in my writing; people have brought it up before. I'll go back and get rid of some of the "blue"s. Thanks again for the review!
~Gabby Report Review
Oh wow! Can I just say, I'd forgotten how much I love your writing?! You have such a lyrical quality, a fresh way with words and addictive characters. Gabby, this was brilliant!
I seriously have nothing I'd suggest changing or tweaking, as it were. I can only find myself eager to go back to Savior. I realize that I've missed Alanna and Rab. Please let me know what I can do to help if you're blocked -- I know you mentioned you were having a bit of a problem with the story.
The use of blue is delicious and you really capture not just the color but the whole sensory gambit of it. I find the use of the color as a theme comes to life when you bring us into the dream, that's the climax of the whole scene. I love it.
I'm also deeply enjoying getting nips of Rab's pov! He's such an interesting character, I love Alanna but getting into Rab's head was absolutely wonderful. Maybe you'll consider writing more form his pov in the future?
This collaboration idea is brilliant and this one shot makes it a success. Good writing Gabby, really good!
BBAuthor's Response: Hey, Bliss! Thanks for stopping by, even though you were unable to participate in this. I really appreciate it. =]
I love writing about senses with Alanna and Rabastan - they are both very sensitive to it, I think. For some reason I related Alanna immediately to blue, and the blue dream just followed after that.
And now you see where the "blue houses" bit in Ch 6 of Saviour came from. It wasn't totally random, haha. I AM at a loss for Ch 7, but I think I just need a day or two to sit down and figure out what I want from it. I was planning on showing more of Rab's story soon, so you won't be disappointed! Meanwhile, I've got a delicious new oneshot with my take on Sirius/OC. I'll drop the link when I post it.
Thanks again for the review! You know how I love your feedback.
~Gabby Report Review
Ooh! Very nice!!! This chapter is very good! I especially like the end, I must give you props. *mock worships* hahaAuthor's Response: Thanks bunches for reviewing!
I'm glad you liked it.
Thanks so much for your compliments; I really appreciate them.
--DF11 Report Review
I was perusing randomly and noticed the word 'synethsesia' in your summary. This prompted me to click simply because I have the condition of which you write about. I'm currently also writing a story of my own in which I explore the effects of the condition on a child. It was really nice to see it done in another way in this story. Thanks for lending me an opportunity to compare/contrast.
In terms of your writing, I really enjoyed the effect of blue on Alanna's dreams, hopes and aspirations, but most of all, her love. It really brought out her character, and also I could see her face better once you described her as blue. Since I am also blue, it gave me a sense of connection with her.
Really nice description of why she was uncomfortable when Rabastian expressed shades of unwelcome colors.
I really like this.
-DaniAuthor's Response: Dani, I can't express how excited I am that you connected with this. I don't know anyone who has this condition, so I know very little about it aside from basic research. But I found the idea of synesthesia fascinating and it inspired me to write a story in which color represented senses other than sight. I'm so happy that I portrayed it correctly - or at least, correctly enough that you enjoyed it.
I'd love to read your story, if you have it posted here. Just leave me a link or title! =] And thanks so much for the review.
~Gabby Report Review
very very very very very good start=)) i love it=))) keep it up=)Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing! I appreciate it and I'm happy you loved it. =]
~ChoS_sista_gurl Report Review
This was really really beautiful. I have to say, you never seem to lose your touch with your writing or the characters of Saviour. And the color concept? Brilliant! You executed the imagery perfectly! 10/10Author's Response: Gah, you have an uncanny ability to find my updates. I love it! =]
I'm glad you liked it, especially since you're a Saviour-reader. If you like the color concept, there will be more entries by other authors coming soon. The cast of characters includes Regulus, the twins, Hermione, and Teddy Lupin. =P Thanks for the review!
~ChoS_sista_gurl Report Review
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